Category: blogging

school shooting and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Well, like very year, it is one extreme temperature or another. We had mild weather last week and today we are dipping close to freezing. Some places had snow or frost this morning! And it’s not even Halloween yet!

My mood has been bleak the past few days. Tuesday I had a rough night of pain so was popping pain pills until I got relief or passed out. Then I was hungover most of yesterday so was not able to blog at all. I was too foggy brained and slept most of the day.

I had therapy yesterday and my therapist asked how my suicidality was. Frankly, I don’t know anymore. I know I don’t want to live but yet I have no plans of making that happen. I stopped the scheming and planning a while ago. I haven’t really felt suicidal in any sense of the word for over two weeks now. I feel that if I talk about it, it might come back so when she asks me about it, I generally say no but she doesn’t believe me. Course I have been suicidal nearly every day for the past 9 years so how could she believe that my suicidality has suddenly cease to exist. I don’t know what brought over the change. Maybe because I am not psychotic anymore, the suicidal feelings went away with the increase in medication too. Not really likely, but it is possible. I don’t feel any different. I don’t feel horrendously depressed and I don’t feel happy. I just feel nothing. Just a blank slate. My mood is dependent on other things. My taste buds still have not been the same. Yesterday I was having Pad Thai and the voices were telling me that mice were in there. It was hard to eat but I knew it wasn’t true as if there were mice at the restaurant, it wouldn’t stay in business. I know that not all kitchens are perfectly clean but the food tasted the way it should, except for the chicken. I don’t know what my problem is with chicken lately. I either love or hate the smell or can’t stand the taste. Even if my mother makes chicken cutlets, sometimes I can’t stand to eat it. It just taste funny even if it is bought and made that day. So I just ate the Thai noodles. I really just like the noodles but I guess you need to have protein. Maybe next time I will get tofu and just take it out.

I am watching my niece this weekend and I am kind of scared. I never watched her for more than a few hours. My biggest fear is that she won’t listen to me or worse, be late for school because she won’t wake up and do what she is supposed to do. She has a routine that she has to do every day for school days. This is why I am not a parent. I can barely take care of myself, let alone a little one. I hope that it goes well and I am worrying for nothing.

I finally got Pearl Jam’s latest CD. I don’t know how I feel about it. There are only like three songs that I really like and the rest are just ok. I have been listening to Siren’s non stop since I came home.

The day after the school shootings in Nevada, there was another that was closer to where I live. A high school teacher was killed and a student is in custody. I don’t know the specifics of the shooting. I just know that it occurred in a town north of where I live. I feel more upset that this happened in conservative Massachusetts. The state gun laws have changed and yet this kid still managed to get one. Unbelievable. The high school was closed today for grieving. I suspect it is going to be a long year for these kids. When I was growing up, you had to watch out for other kids getting killed not teachers. Gangs were rampant and so were drugs. At least three of my former high school classmates are dead because of drug overdoses. Then there are the ones that are still fighting the addiction. Some of my classmates are doing well today. They have graduated from college to become nurses and businessmen or work in healthcare. Our twenty year reunion is coming up next year. I wonder who will be showing up.

tiring but exciting day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

I am feeling really tired today. I woke up early and couldn’t really go back to sleep. I had a weird dream that I woke up at around four o’clock in the morning. I was having back surgery again for cauda equina syndrome and it was really weird because I could see myself lying on the OR table with my mother. Then after the surgery and I woke up, they had me walk to my room rather than wheel me. Once I got to my “room” which was like an amphitheater, I was asked a bunch of questions to determine what my diagnosis was by amateur actors. I don’t know what the hell that dream means but it was interesting to say the least.

I saw my PCP today for my monthly pain management. Every month it’s the same thing and every month he pokes and prods and I am in agony for the rest of the day. I am hurting so much like I was last night I could just cry. Last night was really bad. I had cutting urges really bad because I just couldn’t take the pain anymore. It got to be a nine before I was able to finally doze off to sleep. I think that was why I was dreaming about surgery.

I am tired, did I mention that? I feel like I am coming down with a cold or something so I got to increase my fluids over the next few days. I think a cup of chamomile tea will be on the docket for tonight. I cannot wait for tomorrow night. I am all excited about the World Series. I didn’t realize the Sox was playing in town. The city is going to be nuts tomorrow. I am staying in. All I want to do tomorrow is pick up my prescription and have Pad Thai.

I was talking with a former coworker today. He is so funny. I love him as he always makes me laugh. He wishes me well with my book. OMG I forgot to tell you guys that I emailed my Idol and he gave me his consent to write about his stuff. I got a beautiful email and I am just ecstatic!!! I felt really good about it. He remembered me from my Poster session when he was inn Boston. I didn’t really talk to him much when he was in Baltimore. Course I was crying the whole time he was giving his acceptance speech for the award he got for his work in suicidology. I really adore this guy. In case you don’t know who I am talking about, my Idol is David Jobes. I love his work with CAMS and if you do a search on my blog for Jobes, you will find the relevant blogs associated with that name. I write a lot about his work because I believe in it. He is the only one to have a systematic approach to assessing and treating suicidality with the Suicide Status Form. I could go on and on about him but I don’t want to bore you.

So his email made my day. I cannot wait to tell my therapist tomorrow. She is going to be so fricken crazy, more than I am. I literally was not going to check my email for the rest of the day but his email came in like almost an hour after I sent it off. I get to keep all that I wrote about his works and the Aeschi model. I had to read the email twice to make sure it said what I thought it said. He really hopes that my book does well.

I emailed my psychiatrist today to let her know I was doing well and was off the trilafon. I had to stop taking it as it was really making me fuzzy brain and interfering with my thought processes, which is its main function. Also told her about Jobes’s email. I had to let someone know!

I am just tired. Plain and simple.

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide, suicide attempt

I have done a lot today. I started the editing process of my book and shouldn’t have added some pieces but then I took away some things, so things evened out a little bit. The page numbers do not correspond to anything right now so I have to go through page by page which is a hassle. The title chapters are becoming clearer so I am happy about that. If I stay on course, I should be ok with a Nov 16th publishing date so stay tuned!!

After the editing, I decided to watch the football game. At half time we were leading 21-13. Or maybe it was 21-17. I don’t know. I was kind of sleepy and not interested in watching the game but felt I had to. I had some French fries for my lunch/dinner and then retired to my room where it is fricken cold. I am waiting for my brother in law to come take the AC out of the window. I just texted him to let him know that I want it done today. I am so proud that he has learned to text. When he got his new phone, he had no clue and thought it was a game. I guess they text him a lot at work and he got a little aggravated one day, saying to my sister that this game just won’t stop. She laughed and said that is the text messaging. He can be a little old fashioned but I love him. He really is a good guy.

It has been good that I am home. I didn’t do too much yesterday as I was so sleepy. I said I was going to sleep for a half hour before the game and the next thing I knew we won and the game was over thanks to Victorino’s grand slam! I can’t believe I missed the game!! I am so mad at myself.

I think I kind of got my therapist worried a little bit. She asked if I was suicidal and instead of giving her an answer, I said that I don’t care, which is true. I don’t care if I am suicidal or not anymore. It’s not like I am going to act on it so who cares! If I was going to act on it, I think it would be more dangerous. So I just don’t care if I feel suicidal anymore. It’s not like they lock you away in the hospital anymore for days on end. In fact, unless you actually act in the hospital to harm yourself, they will just discharge you no matter how bad you say you are going to harm yourself. So I am just DONE with the whole business of it all. And it’s not like she helps me while I am suicidal. She doesn’t implement the SSF or safety plan or any of the other things that will ease the tension of suicidality. She just increases sessions where we don’t really talk about anything. My psychiatrist just relies on me to tell her about my symptoms. If I am not telling her I am having symptoms, then to her, I am fine. I just am so sick of being in a constant suicidal state and not being able to do anything about it. I can’t take my life so why bother being suicidal? I mean I can take it, but it’s too much of a damn hassle. I am tired of the planning that goes into a suicidal plan. I am tired of the contracts for safety telling my therapist I will not act on it no matter how bad I really want to kill myself. I am just tired. Plain and simple.

frustrated

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging, depression

Today was not a good day. I woke up in the middle of the night and kept on having weird dreams. Then when I got up to have some breakfast my ankle decided it wanted none of it. So I took a pain pill and went back to sleep. My mother made some chicken lemon dish that was ok and I just got enough of the cobwebs out of my brain to type this.

I am feeling kind of nervous. I just got an order to appear in court for a bill I have not paid because I have no money. I am going to try and call them on Monday and tell them I am disabled and don’t have any money to give them. I know this might not work but if I can pay them at least ten to twenty dollars a month, maybe I can avoid going to court. I hate going to court, not like anyone does like it, except if you are a lawyer or a judge. All of this just after a hospitalization has my mind going in the gutter. As I was walking to Walgreens, I was praying someone would come up behind me and slice my throat. I really would rather be dead than to deal with this.

The Sox are on tonight. I think I will be watching it, even though Lester is pitching and I can’t stand to watch him pitch. I hope we get to the other pitcher but he is tough. It’s going to be a pitcher’s duel that is for sure.

The weird thing, or the more concerning thing, is that I am not really interested in watching the game. I am just so depressed I would rather just eat Chex Mix and call it a night. I am just so tired. I am also mad at myself for not doing anything today. I didn’t work on my manuscript today like I was going to do. I really hate myself for this. I knew I shouldn’t have gone back to bed after I had breakfast but I was just in so much pain. I am not in pain now. But I don’t think I can work on my manuscript while I am in this level of depression and suicidality. Plus the urges to cut are really rampant. And I just realized that I can’t see my therapist on Tuesday because I have to see my PCP. That really throws a wrench in my works.

I am just frustrated and upset with this letter. I wish I never got it.