Category: blogging

410

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

410

410. what does this number mean? It could be a time, a place setting, or just a number. To me, that number was my tech code during the fourteen years I worked at a major medical center. I held that number and it was the lowest among my peers because I was the one with seniority.

Recently, this number came up as the number of comments my blog had. It was held at that number until today. With this number I thought over the years the funny times, the serious times, and the not so great times. I remember during my first year there was a kid that had a transplant and didn’t make it. We had worked on this kid for days trying to pull him through. It was the most critical case so s/he had priority over other samples. When it was found out we lost him during the night, I felt so bad. It was the first time that I lost a patient, and it was a child no more than three years old. It was tough. I could only imagine what the parents were going through. I had a toddler nephew at home and thank god he was healthy even though he could be a handful at times. I couldn’t imagine losing him to some disease.

I also have seen some good times where co-workers got married, had kids, and also seen co-workers pass away. They say that things happen in threes. In one year, we lost three co-workers, two of whom I worked closely with. It was a very tough year. To Tessie and Donnie, I still think of you.

Toward the end of my work days, my number was seen as the most proficient in the lab. I typed the most because I had the most experience. I knew my job inside and out. I knew how to help those that needed it and guided the newer employees through the work day. I miss that. But in the end, I truly was just a number and my loyalty meant nothing. My seniority meant nothing. I was treated like an old mule and basically shot dead and told to move on due to my medical restrictions. I couldn’t just sit and type. I had to be mobile and because I couldn’t be, my job left me and I was out.

It still hurts that I was not held on to. But without them I would not have this blog. I wouldn’t be publishing my stories and papers. I guess with that I gained another opportunity that I would not have had.

RAMBLINGS 39

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Watching my favorite game as I am typing this. I have not been feeling well the past few days. I didn’t sleep well Friday night and was pretty sleepy most of the day. I really tried to stay awake as long as possible but by 6 pm I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. I ended up writing three blogs that day/night. I was in pain and kind of pissed off with a report about chronic pain and suicide.

I really need to shower today as it has been almost four days. I just hate showering. I don’t know why that is. I think it is definitely a mental thing. I know that I can stand long enough to shower and dry off but it is just to me an inconvenience. I do wish there was a bathtub in my apartment but there isn’t. I just have a shower stall. I also have not brushed my teeth in the last two days. I am just a mess. I am glad no one gets too close to me. I have not been out since Thursday. I wanted to go out yesterday but I didn’t feel like it with me feeling so tired. Soon as there is a “boring” spot during the game I will take a shower.

This is my off week on birth control pills. I have to be off them for a few days to start the new patch. I am just worried that with this patch, I will take even fewer showers than I do already. I am just afraid that I will wash it away or worse that with the summer coming up, I will sweat it off. I hope that it stays on. The nice thing about this patch is that it is a weekly thing and I don’t have to take a pill anymore. I just have to remember to change the patch.

I hope that being off a week doesn’t cause too much bleeding. I am already annoyed and my skin is irritated by the pads. I hate being a woman so much it is not funny.

There are three top reasons why I want to kill myself: 1) psychache, 2) chronic pain, and 3) not being a man. There is no particular order of why I choice that order but those are the reason and it might mean one day I have more of a reason than the others on a particular bad day.

I had a comment today on my blog that said that he found my blog inspirational. I hope that it is to people. I can’t imagine that what I am writing is all fluff and stuff. I write from the heart and if people can’t get the message from that, then so be it.

I had almost 30 blog readers today. That is high as I usually don’t get that many on a Sunday. I will usually get less than twenty. But lately my numbers have been picking up, especially with my Google searches. I had fifteen the other day that lead them to my blog, from countries around the world. My top viewers are the U.S., Canada, and the U.K. I also get some from Australia and New Zealand. I get excited when I get the European countries and some from the Russia Federation. The nice thing about WordPress is that is keeps the statistics about the countries and when you display all, it is nice to see so many countries lit up. I had a Mexican follower for a few weeks. That was exciting because I have friends from Mexico.

The Indians have scored a home run and my boys are down by 2 runs now. And the Rays are chopping on the Skankees, 4-0. My boys might go into first if they are able to come back in this game.

Needs and wants

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, suicide, suicide attempt

Every body needs somebody some times… These lyrics from Keith Urban describe how I feel today. Everyone has needs that have not been met and because of that they feel out of sorts. It could be disconnected from the world, feeling left out from a group, or even feeling unloved by those that love them the most. There is summary of the needs that Edwin Shneidman says are the core of suicidal thinking. I know I wrote about this in a previous blog called a little of this and that. But today I think I will write the needs in detail and what they mean.

ABATEMENT The need to submit passively; to belittle oneself

ACHIEVEMENT To accomplish something difficult; to overcome

AFFILIATION To adhere to a friend or group; to affiliate

AGGRESSION To overcome opposition forcefully; fight, attack

AUTONOMY To be independent and free; to shake off restraint

COUNTERACTION To make up for loss by retrieving; get even

DEFENDANCE To vindicate the self against criticism or blame

DEFERENCE To admire and support, praise emulate a superior

DOMINANCE To control, influence, and direct others; dominate

EXHIBITION To excite, fascinate, amuse, entertain others

HARMAVOIDANCE To avoid pain, injury, illness, and death

INVIOLACY To protect the self and one’s psychological space

NURTURANCE To feed, help console, protect, nurture another

ORDER To achieve organization and order among things and ideas

PLAY To act for fun; to seek pleasure for its own sake

REJECTION To exclude, banish, jilt, or expel another person

SENTIENCE To seek sensuous, creature-comfort experience

SHAME-AVOIDANCE To avoid humiliation and embarrassment

SUCCORANCE To have one’s needs gratified; to be loved

UNDERSTANDING To know answers; to know the hows and whys

You be the judge of your own needs and how they play out in your suicidality. Then work on ways to improving them, if possible.

BASEBALL AND MUSIC

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging

Well, I had a good blog going for you tonight but then in the middle of writing, I was bombarded with text messages about my Sox. A couple of players are on the DL so they have had to make some roster changes, the worse of it is that they called up Alfredo Aceves, the pitcher I hate the most because he SUCKS and has a nasty temper and is crazy.

It is going to be interesting tonight because they are playing a rookie on third base. I hope no balls go down that line tonight. Last night they had a brutal loss to the Indians, 12-3. I fell asleep when they were within one, when Big Papi aka David Ortiz hit a 3 run blast. I don’t know what happened after that. I had two beers before the game so I was drunk and sleepy to begin with.

I went out for the first time all week today. I had a different coffee than my usual, called 3 region blend. It seemed no different than the regular coffee they serve. Certainly nothing to write home about. Will I have it again? Yes. I like coffees that are mild and not strong or roasted. Cameroon was the darkest richest coffee I have had and never will have again because it was so strong. But then coming from Cameroon, I should have known better.

I edited some of my blogs when I got home. It took me a long while to figure out what to write and then I get the biggest distraction of the day. Two players on the disabled list (DL), one activated, another called down, and two players called up. I was going bananas. I didn’t know why one of the two players were on the DL because I didn’t see the game last night. I was listening to it on the radio and I fell asleep. I woke up after the game had ended an hour later. I am so mad at myself for missing the game but I was just so tired after having such an awful day yesterday. I was just emotionally and physically spent. Too bad I woke up with my second wind at two thirty in the morning. I was not happy. I did some stuff though, like finishing the letter I had started to my therapist and played my games. I have two now. Pioneer Trail (formerly known as Frontierville) and Candy Crush Saga. I NEVER should have downloaded that game to my phone to find out what it was about. It is a bejeweled type of game but instead of diamonds and rubies, you have different candies you have to match up in threes or fours or fives. But you have a certain task on the levels and it is hard as you are given five lives to start. I don’t know how to request lives and I really don’t want to learn how. The game already drives me crazy because it is not as easy as it seems. But then, the same can be said with Pioneer Trail. You get missions like every three days, even before you have completed the ones they sent you a few days ago. And it is frustrating because you need your neighbors to help you. If they don’t help you out, you are screwed. A lot of players have stopped playing because it is sometimes so time consuming waiting for people to give you the stuff when you have other missions to work on. But it gives me something to do as frustrating as it is. It is a good frustration, if that is possible.

I walked a good distance today. So far I am not in any pain. I walked maybe 1/8th of a mile today. I had to because I didn’t want to wait 45 mins for the next bus. I am hoping if I don’t have pain tonight, I will walk it, if I have the energy, every time I go to Davis Sq. That will be my walk for the day. I have to build up my stamina and walking this distance will be great. The nice thing about this is that the sidewalks are level and not bumpy like other sidewalks in the city I live in. I can walk without worrying if I am going to trip on an unlevel sidewalk cement or not. I still have to watch out for the cars while crossing the streets but other than that I had a good walk, despite the showers today.

After I heard about my Sox, I couldn’t listen to country anymore so went to Pearl Jam, Linkin Park, and Nickelback. While I was setting up my playlist, Rock, I noticed I have only one stinking album for Pearl Jam! What a sin! Now I have to find their CDs and burn them so I can have their tracks on my phone. But the most important songs, like Black, Even Flow, Jeremy, and Daughter on there so I will only have to burn Vitology and Rearview disc 2. I got to have my Pearl Jam when I am in a BAD disgruntled mood.