Category: blogging

RAMBLINGS 38

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Listening to Buzzkill by Luke Bryan. Something about this song makes me think. I like the tune and melody of this song.

Been hurting the past few days. I took some pills last night, probably a little more than what I should have but I don’t care. I just took two Ativan and I am still waiting for it to make me crash. I just feel so awful inside it is not funny. I tried getting in touch with my therapist but she hasn’t called me back yet.

I want to go to the liquor store and get some beer. I have been looking forward to getting a new beer that tastes like lemonade. It is supposed to be really good. I think I would like that.

Another reason I am in a bad mood is that my bowels are going crazy. I have gone three times today and I feel like more on the way is going to happen. I just don’t want to go out and have an accident. SO I am stuck in the house once again. I have not taken a shower since Sunday. I keep telling myself today I will do it but not if I am shitting all the time. Make that four times and this time it was a race to the bathroom. Got to love CES. I so wanted to go out today but it just isn’t feasible. I hate it when my body strands me home.

I want to order Chinese food but my mother is making chicken wings tonight. I love her chicken wings. I will put a little hot sauce on mine as I want something a little spicy.

I got one more comment for my blog to reach 400. Maybe I will get one tonight. I really feel like I could pull the trigger and go crazy, take all my pills and see what happens. I am so close to that but it will take a long time to finish what I have and then I won’t have any for a month, which won’t be good. I still have to go to Walgreens to pick up a prescription there. I tweeted a direct message to their care center about their pepsi products in the 12 pk. They charge you sixty cents for the deposit but there is no deposit on the cans! I am so pissed that I am being charged for cans I cannot return. I have to place them in the recycle bin instead of getting money for it. Not that I drink a lot of soda or really care, but my mother cares. To her the nickel for the can means something to her.

TIVO AND THERAPY

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I started the arduous process of transferring my Tivo recordings to the computer. Because my new laptop is new, I have to use my old laptop to transfer the data. I had to download a patch to get it to work. It can be very frustrating.

I had therapy today and did not like it. I had to talk most of the time because my idiot therapist wanted clarification of some things that I wrote on the blog the other day. I had to read it so she could take notes so we could talk about it. I was annoyed because I hate reading what I write. I found that it sucked what I wrote and there were stuff in it that did not make sense so now I have to go over it and fix it. I sent her my suicide attempt blog because she never reads her email, which has my blogs sent to it.

I don’t know if therapy is helping so much as it is just keeping me alive. My therapist and I have a connection that formed in 2005 and since then it has strengthened. though I sometimes wonder if she is a little bit too possessive of me. She was having mini heart attacks when I was going through trying to find another therapist near me. I think she was glad that I never found one and the one that I did was too scared of me to work out. I don’t know what it is that drives me crazy about her. I know she loves me and i love her to some degree and I think that is the problem. We don’t have a sexual love just a very intimate one, least that is what I think we have. I have been burned by so many therapists that even though I have been with this one for 12 yrs I just feel that she will be moving on even though she has not one inclination towards that. We have questioned whether this is right for us, even had a consult about it several times. there is just something I am missing and maybe the help thing was one of it that she picked up on and i am hesitant to ask. I don’t ask for help when I need it. I tried to kill myself at 10 and my mother knew but never got me the help that I needed. I somehow figured that I was left on my own to seek help and then when I got it, i got burned many times. She does help sometimes and sometimes she aggravates the fuck out of me. I have the letters to prove it!!

I know what you mean about the pain. It is when it lingers that it causes problems. I got so much pain, physical and mental, that I just don’t know what to do anymore so have decided that was it but I am still hesitant. My niece is 8 and i dread how my sister is going to tell her I am no longer here and that kind of keeps me going to NOT want to end it but then I get the whole friggen burden thing and think she will be better off without me in her life.

Just wish I knew what my purpose was. Been thinking of what kind of ideas people have when they think of suicide prevention. Yea you can know the warning signs but not everyone will fit into them. What will you say other than you need help? Like if someone unknown to you asks the suicide question or hints around it and you help them out for that day does it really lead to prevention when another person is too guarded to ask for help or even tell someone about it? It drives me crazy thinking about it and then I want to ask these people, like the prez of AAS how can you prevent something you don’t have control of? Even Shniedman said that he would not want to live in a world that is free from suicide. I am rambling…

TG issues

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, transgender, writing

So my AAS blog post was posted today. So far I don’t have any likes or comments. I hope that changes in the next twenty-four hours. I feel that it is an important post that people should know about.

Today I went to see my reproductive endocrine doctor to get a handle on my periods. We are trying a new patch that I will start sometime next week. I hope it works because I am started to seriously doubt if I am a man. And if I am not a man I might as well be dead. It’s bad enough I had to have a breast exam today and it only made me want to cut the suckers off all the more. I really am in a bad place. I know I can’t go on like this. I just feel like everyone is against me. I have changed my Facebook name to GC rather than Mike because I feel so discouraged. I am having like an identity crisis. I can’t really decide which name I like better. GC would be easier to deal with for everyone because it’s closer to what people call me any ways…G. But I always felt like Mike was a good name for me since I was a kid. I don’t know. It is so very frustrating. And then today I thought about how many doctors I will have to see to get fully transitioned and get testosterone. Then I thought what if my insurance won’t pay for it? What will I do then? I just don’t know anymore. I wish there was some FTM I could really talk to about this other than my therapist. But I don’t know of anyone. I just know MTF.

And about the bus saga…I was coming home and the bus driver didn’t stop at my stop! I was so pissed. Not that it was a huge deal but I hated the fact that he just went right by it. I am glad that the next stop is just as close to my house as the one I missed. Only problem is that I was standing and doing a balancing act while the bus was in motion. I am now hurting. I pulled a hip flexor or something that is giving me sciatica. I have pain going down my right leg. I hope it settles down. I have been trying to keep off my feet as much as possible to avoid the inevitable ankle pain that will be flaring up any time now. Because I am already in pain, I decided to take a pain med. It is making me feel a little drowsy but then I have been up since 8 this morning.
I have been trying to avoid thinking about the TG stuff for the past couple of weeks. I know that if I think about it too much it gets me into a depressive funk that is hard to get out of. But today while at my doctor’s appointment, my doctor figured out why I wanted to stop my periods. In addition to them triggering my suicidal tendencies, it also reinforces the fact that I am not who I really am. I can’t even begin to tell anyone how much this hurts. They say that emotional pain lasts only 15 mins and any longer is self-inflicted. Apparently these people have never dealt with true emotional pain from being in a different body all the time. Pisses me off that these same experts think that I should be dead. But that will happen later this year, or maybe sooner. I just can’t help but think about it all the time now. I wonder what I am waiting for. I just feel like I should have things planned out so that there aren’t any questions when I go. I want to leave behind notes to people because I don’t want them to think that I didn’t love them enough or that it was their fault I was dead. That my therapist and psychiatrist didn’t do enough to help me. They have done more than they could have done. But the demon inside needs to be let out and kill me. I am holding it at bay but it is so tough not to give in every single time it crosses my mind.

baseball and hockey

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Watching the ball game and it got rain delayed but I think my team is going to have the win because it is the middle of the 7th inning.

I am now trying to watch the hockey game but it is intermission time. I know crap about hockey. Only thing I know is that the puck needs to go in the net. I don’t know the rules, the positions other than goalie, and the meaning of the lines. I don’t even know the names of the players.

I have not done much this weekend. I spent yesterday sleeping until 2 pm and then waiting for the sox game to come on at 7. Today was much of the same thing except for some reason the game didn’t start at 1 like they said it was. If they did have a 1pm start they could have possibly missed the rain delay.

Bruins just SCORED. That makes it 4-2 right now in the 3rd period. I still cannot watch it too closely as it just makes me dizzy.

I should probably take a shower while nothing is going on. I haven’t had one since Thursday night. I just don’t feel like taking one. Even though I take a short shower, no more than 10-15 mins, it still bothers my ankle to stand that long and then stand to get dry and dressed. My ankle has been somewhat good the past few days so I really don’t want to tax it by standing on it for twenty minutes.

And the BRUINS SCORE AGAIN! 5-2!! They have currently 2 and a half mins remaining in the 3rd quarter. Sox still have a rain delay. I don’t know if they will continue playing or if they will call the game. And there is a puck out of play at 16 sec left. WTF The Bruins win!!! Now I can take my shower!