Category: cauda equina syndrome

Difficult Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Difficult day

I had a hard time sleeping last night. Pain kept me up till almost 0300. I then slept for a few hours and then it was every hour I was up. I really wanted to sleep after my therapy session today but I had to babysit my niece. The pain last night was horrible. I couldn’t move my leg or ankle without severe pain. Every time I got comfortable, the pain spiked, forcing me to move to an uncomfortable position. Then spike again after I had settled down a little bit. I never had such attacks before. It was very weird. But because I had taken my pain pills around midnight, I couldn’t take anymore at least until after 0400. I was exhausted so I just took an Ativan to help me sleep and calm me down as the pain was so anxiety provoking.

I really don’t remember much about what we talked about in therapy. I think we talked in circles without really going any place. I told her about Marsha Linehan’s story, or the pieces I was getting from the Twitter feed that day. I guess she didn’t read my blog about it, just the blog I wrote detailing my reasons for suicide. We didn’t talk about that blog at all. I was shocked that she found the time to watch Jobes’s video that I sent her. I didn’t think her phone was going to be able to play it because it is older than my phone. She has had the same phone for more than six years now. I don’t know how it still is able to play YouTube videos. The important thing is that she was able to see how CAMS works for Jobes and in clinicians working with suicidal patients. He addressed the important key factors of his engagement. He, so far, has been lucky that none of his patients have killed themselves. I think that is incredibly lucky to work with an at risk population and not have someone die in the thirty years he has been practicing. My therapist liked what he was talking about “drivers” (aka reasons for suicide). I am glad I watched the video too, or I would be clueless as to what she was talking about. Course, Jobes is my idol so why wouldn’t I watch a video with him in it? I am sort of his professional stalker. I look out for anything he has written and take it as the word. I hope one day I can be a successful therapist like him.

My therapist also talked a lot about how I am the exception and not the rule today. It was making me roll my eyes. She has told me this about a million times. And every time she tells me this, I take it as a challenge to prove her wrong. I don’t know if that is one of the reasons that “drive” me to suicide. I figure I am supposed to be dead anyway with all the stats against me. Yet, I am still here. And it pisses me off because I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to lose anymore sleep and have ongoing nights of pain and misery. I know tonight I run the risk of having yet another night of pain because I was going up and down the stairs today most of the day. My sister made some food that I liked and I had to babysit, twice. Already my ankle is throbbing. I would take some pain meds but I know in an hour or two I will be saying goodnight. Least I hope I will. Last night, the pain meds didn’t tell me good night until almost 0300. I really thought I was going to have an all nighter. I just could not sleep.

Tomorrow I have my appointment with my PCP. I hope it goes well or I will be in bad shape mentally. I know he is going to give me a lecture about my weight. I wish he wouldn’t because I already feel bad about it. I didn’t even have a chance to talk to my therapist about it today. We were all talking around the elephant in the room (suicide). We also talked about my Twitter buddy Jay and how I think she knows him. I sent her a pic of him and his name. It will be really funny if they had worked together at the same place.

Other than feeling really tired, I am fed up that I have been in pain for almost a week now. I haven’t left my house since Thursday when I saw my father. Tomorrow, I will have to go out to see my doc. I canceled my therapy appointment so I wouldn’t have to finagle the bagel trying to find a spot for me to talk with her for an hour. I like talking with her in the comfort of my room. So she conned me into talking on Thursday.

how can I keep myself away from me

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, suicide attempt

How can I keep myself away from me

I tried the not talking approach to my therapist today. I think it works better in person than it does on the phone. I just did not want to talk today at all. She tried to get me to engage with questions and I just shot her down. I kept telling her this is all pointless. Then she went off about how much I mean to her, and on and on with things like that. I just couldn’t hear her. I tuned her out, like I have most of my friends and family lately.

She wanted me to list the reasons why I want to kill myself. I thought about sending her the blog I wrote the other day but I can’t remember which blog it was. Once I write something, I forget it. It’s like mental eraser once I put it in a blog or on paper. So I will make a new list and please don’t think this is a whine list. I am already close to the edge and it won’t take much to push me off.

I don’t want to live anymore because I am not a full human, I am not a man. I will never be accepted by the society I live in, even if I were to get hormones. The people close to me, my family, will never call me a him or he. I will never be an Uncle, though I can’t imagine after almost 21 years, I can be called that. I have gotten so used to “aunty” that it just suits me, even though it isn’t the right gender preference.

I want to end my life because CES sucks. I am tired of being in pain every single day of my life, in some way, shape, or form. I can’t even have a bowel movement without pain, even if the shit is soft, I hurt. It’s all nerve pain so I doubt anything can be done about it. Luckily it goes away but I suffer for at least 15 minutes to a half hour after every movement. I never thought my life would come to this. And peeing myself every day is no help. I thought that shaving my pubic hairs would help but it doesn’t. I still smell if I don’t shower every other day. The worse part is that I don’t even know I am wet. I don’t have normal sensation down there since my second CES diagnosis. I know people can laugh it off but it really sucks for me because unless I use a pad (which is difficult with boxers), I leak. I just don’t realize I am full until afterwards. My urge to go is not that strong.

Dealing with depression and all that comes with it. The mental pain of living every day when you hurt physically and mentally yet you can’t take a narcotic pain med to ease that ache. I have tried. I once took a handful to ease the mental pain and it did nothing, NOTHING, for me. How can you continue to see a psychiatrist or a therapist knowing they cannot ease your pain. I have tried, desperately and in vain, to find something, anything, to ease this psychache. But all I get is talk therapy to address it. I am tired of talking about it. Nothing helps. Writing used to but now I just think I am a whine bag, going on and on about my little complaints on why I want to take my life.

I never will go back to school again. I will never embrace the academia again and that hurts me more than I say. I will never earn enough or save enough to go back to school, unless I hit the lottery but you have to play to win. I don’t even have the extra buck to play. I never will get my degree that I long for. And I feel like I have let my family down because of this. If I never got sick with mental illness, things would have been different. But this damn illness always gets the best of me. I have to go into the hospital at least once a year, sometimes twice because I just can’t handle “life” and need a “vacation”. If I didn’t have yet another breakdown in 2008, I probably would have got my degree by now and I wouldn’t be fucked with my loans. I don’t blame anyone for this. I blame myself for being sick. Living on SSD is not always as it is cracked up to be.

Then we have the employment issue. Will I ever be able to hold a job again? The past two months I have been plagued with hypomanias and psychosis which if I was working, would have been worse and I would be in the hospital again. And this is without a job! How am I supposed to handle work responsibilities when I can’t even handle no responsibilities? With the Long Term Disability still hanging over me, I still cannot get a job even if I wanted to. I really would like to go back to my old job part time. I just want to feel useful again. I don’t feel like I deserve to live because I feel so worthless. And being an author didn’t exactly give me the fame I thought it would. I still fight for every sale, every month. But self-promoting is hard work, harder than I thought it would be. I thought that when my book went on Amazon, it would fly off the shelves, so to speak. Hardly that. I never thought it would reach a best 100 status, that would be impossible and an unreachable goal. But to be in the millionth rank, well, that was not what I was expecting. And then you had to create an author page. I hate the way I look so I neglected for almost a year to put a pic up. I still don’t know what to say in bio so left that blank. All these things you need to do and yet no one tells you. You just learn as you go.

I hate my body image. I hate the way I look. I always have. I really don’t think that is ever going to change. I avoid mirrors like the plague. And no matter what pic or selfie I take, I always look like a moron. I am just not photogenic, but that isn’t what drives me to kill myself. I just hate me, everything about me sucks.

I think I have listed enough reasons why I want to take my life. These are the top ones.

Stupid back pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Stupid back pain

I don’t know what I did today but the side of my back is killing me. It’s making it difficult to sit or lie down. It also has been cramping so I have taken an extra baclofen to try and ease the spasms. I would have taken an Ativan but I don’t want to go to sleep. I am already sleepy because again, I had an awful night sleep. I woke up early this morning in pain. And then when I did get up to face the day, I was still in pain so took some more pain meds. This is why I don’t understand why my back is hurting. I also took an anti inflammatory med to try and ease it as I know it is muscular and not anything else. I think I need a massage on my legs and lower back/hip. I don’t know of a place that does it. The last place I went to before I had surgery in 2006 nearly killed me. I was already in pain but was in worse pain afterwards. It’s hard to find a good massage therapist at a reasonable cost.

I haven’t been in the best of moods today because I have been in so much pain and discomfort. I really am wondering if this is what my life is going to be like from now until eternity. I cannot fathom that, which is why I want to take my life before that happens. I really have been in an awful mood, sometimes weepy at times. Today is the anniversary of when the Titanic sank and President Lincoln was assassinated. Lincoln was my favorite president. I think I have read more about him than about any other president. I like Reagan, too. I have read some stuff on him but not as much as Lincoln. So today, for me anyways, is a solemn day. 1523 people lost their lives when their luxury ship struck an iceberg. I also have done research into the Titanic because I felt bad so many people lost their lives, when if they had measures they have today, it wouldn’t have been so disastrous.

I reluctantly had therapy today and will tomorrow. It was a hard session. My therapist was pissed off that I tried to cancel another week. Now she is not letting me go for any reason. I still need next Wed off because I have an appointment with my PCP. Session went disastrously. My therapist kept asking why I wanted to end my life and for the life of me, all I could think of was, why not? I am tired of being in pain. I am tired of breathing. If I could give my life to someone else, I would in a heartbeat. I just don’t want to be anymore. She read my goodbye letter and it disturbed her. She tried reading my psychosis story but it was too long for her to read. She didn’t have the time. She thinks that it should be in a book or something. I told her I have stopped working on my book because of my impending death. She still thinks she can talk me out of it and refuses to end therapy. I told her I was protecting her.

I wish I could just die right now. I just don’t feel like I can go on. I am just so tired of struggling. I need to stop here because pain is preventing me from sitting anymore. I need to get some pain relief.

random 87

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, depression

I have been on an Eric Church kick lately. I love his music but not enough to really buy it. Only song of his that I have bought was “Springsteen”. Though this song might be bought soon as I do love it.

Today is Sunday. Yesterday I was going through most of the day thinking that it was Sunday. I think it was because I fell so soundly and when I woke up, I was disoriented. It wasn’t until later in the evening I realized it was the wrong day. I hate when that happens because you just feel like you are a day off but you really aren’t.

I woke up early again this morning, causing me to fall back to sleep around 0600. I woke up around noon to make some oatmeal pancakes. I didn’t make them right as they tasted different. I think I skipped an ingredient, what I don’t know. I don’t know where the recipe is so was just going by memory. I ate half of them and if I didn’t put syrup on all of them, I would have saved the half I didn’t eat. I will try and remember that for next time.

My mood neither suck nor is great. It’s somewhere in the middle. Someone from the UK has been perusing my blog. I am grateful as lately my stats have sucked. The blogs they have been looking at are dealing with CES so I guess there is another sufferer out there. If I remember correctly, there are at least 400-600 people in the UK that get CES every year. So much for it being a rare condition. I don’t know what the estimates are for the US. Most of the doctors that I have seen in my area don’t know what CES is, or if they do, they don’t know how to treat the after effects of the condition.

I think I am going to change my sheets today. It is going to be a hassle but I am bored and it needs to be done. Today, the stupid CO detector was beeping low battery again. I accidently sent it flying while reaching for it. I kind of hope that I broke the stupid thing so my mother can get a new one that doesn’t beep as often. It’s like every three months we need to change the batteries on the thing. The other CO detector that we have doesn’t require changing that often and it’s the same one! It’s so annoying hearing the beep every 20 minutes. But it’s dismantled now so it’s back to being quiet in the house. If I don’t change the sheets, I am going to sleep. I am just so tired. I didn’t have coffee but then, it doesn’t matter if I do or not. I still can go to sleep with having coffee on board. Then when I wake up, I am wired.