Category: cauda equina syndrome

restless depressive state

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression

Had a long morning. My father’s doctor was at least forty minutes late, per usual. I am glad I canceled my appointment with my therapist. There would be no way to talk to her.

I then visited a dear friend who is in the hospital fighting cancer and an infection. She had surgery to remove the cancer and developed an infection. She looked very drained. I feel really bad for her. This is the second time she has developed cancer. I hope that it was caught in time. I don’t want to lose my friend.

I have been in a restless depressive state all day. But now it quickly turned into a moody state because I crapped myself. I should have gone to the bathroom before leaving the hospital but thought I could make it home in time. I really don’t like taking a crap outside of my house. I like having my supplies handy. I know I should carry them with me but 9 out of 10 times I never have to do a number two so why bother. I just feel so humiliated. I would have been fine if I didn’t stop to check the mail. It was two minutes, too long. I am such an idiot.

I texted my therapist about being an idiot. I don’t have another session with her till Thursday. I wish I was having one tomorrow. But I had to cancel my time because my father had another doctor appointment tomorrow. Oh the joys of spending all this time waiting in doctors offices. I wish these docs ran on time but they never do. I don’t know any doc that runs on time. Even my own!

I didn’t take the mood stabilizer today. But I think taking it is helping my pain. Since taking it, I have noticed a marked decrease in my nerve pain and general pain as I have been using my pain medication less. I don’t know about today though because I did a lot of walking in my AFO getting around the hospital. Hopefully I won’t be in too much agony later tonight.

I hope that I don’t have excruciating pain tonight. It will not bode well with my mood and might put in a suicidal state of mind. I hate being restless. I am going to try and read after I finish this blog. Maybe that will calm down some of the restlessness. I certainly can’t sleep and I don’t want to take an Ativan unless I absolutely need it. I just wish my dignity was intact today. Not to say the day was going well but the crapping my pants just made everything worse. Made me feel like I was a little kid again, and not in a good way. I just feel so terrible. I know rationally it wasn’t my fault, it was stupid nerve damage that caused it. But I still feel like I should have controlled myself some way, even though I can’t anymore. I thought with being constipated I was safe but I guess not. It really is hard to gauge your bowels when you have nerve damage to them. I really don’t know if I am being too harsh with myself or not. As a grown up, you think you should be able to control yourself and when that gets damaged, you just feel awful. I know I am lucky that my damage is minimal as I still have some control. Others have lost theirs entirely. But after dealing with this loss for 13 yrs now, it’s just sucks when you have an accident, plain and simple. And the worst part is that other than my therapist, there is no one I can talk to about it. It’s not like I can tell my sister or a friend. A CES friend would be the only other person to understand. But I am tired of just going on the group site to say that I had an accident and feel terrible when I know most of them have accidents everyday and I don’t. Doesn’t make it easier to deal with and it is so isolating.

how I manage being suicidal

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

It’s well past 2 in the morning. This may well be a Mr. Hyde blog as I am very tired but feel the need to write. Mr. Hyde likes to write things, very bad things and depressing things at this hour so this is a warning that this might be a suicidal blog.

I have been up the last few hours battling pain. My foot exploded around 11 pm (2300) and has now settled down some after putting on some gel and taking my pain meds. But then I got sick, I felt like I had to go throw up. So I laid down only it made it worse with reflux.

I wrote my psychiatrist a letter that I am hopelessly depressed and why bother with treatment of any kind as it is not helping me. I tried to get out of therapy with my therapist for today’s session and failed. I just don’t see the point. I am deeply depressed and if I could I would do something to end my life but I have no idea what I would do. Sure I have pills, but that might just make me sick and I hate to clean up vomit, if I survived. My luck, I probably will. I hate being in pain and can’t sleep. It drives me absolutely nuts.

A fellow blogger is battling her demons too. Her psych team wants to hospitalize her because she is suicidal. I suggested an alternative, the SSF to help deal with suicidal thoughts and to come up with a treatment plan. I told her to get the Managing suicidal risk book. It is a good book, if you are trying to manage suicidality. I don’t know what I did with my copy of the book. I know it is somewhere in my room or in my office. I can never find it when I need it. I have the SSF (suicide status forms) all over the place but not the actual book. And, no, because of copyright rules, I cannot post the forms as much as I would absolutely love to. There is one online, used, but helpful just to give you an idea of what they look like. I think I might ask my therapist to use it tomorrow. Or use Holden’s psychache scale. And again, as much as I would love to post it, I cannot because of copyright rules. I just am so hopeless. Everything is dark and gray, and I don’t mean the weather. I feel like I have no future, no purpose in life. Sure I published a book and that is a huge accomplishment. But why am I being “punished” with this depression?? What have I done that is so wrong? I hate my life.

My ex blocked me on Facebook today. I am actually glad because I was getting uncomfortable with the questions she was asking. She wanted to get back together. That is not going to happen. I guess me telling her I just wanted an online relationship pissed her off. Oh well. First time I have been blocked by someone. But this is kind of good because I don’t need her drama in my life. Yes, it bothers me but only because I thought this time we could just be friends and I have no idea what set her off and I will never know. Oh well.

Tonight was the first time all week that I took all my meds that I was supposed to take. I think that is why my stomach is bothering me. I usually have something to eat when I take them but tonight, I didn’t eat anything. I just am not hungry. And feeling sick to your stomach doesn’t make you want to eat anything. And oh joy, I think I may have a UTI. I have been leaking the past few days, more so than usual. Oh the joys of CES. That has me down too, because who likes to piss their pants? I am so tired of dealing with wet underwear. And having to take a shower every time I leak. It sucks because I hate showering. I had a good shower tonight. The water was nice and hot and it relaxed me. It was the first time in a while I felt that way. But I couldn’t stay too long because I knew my foot would act up and it did. Damn foot! Always ruins things. But I did a lot of stairs today and walking so it is my fault it flared up. I wish I could chop it off. Least with the ghost pain, it will be a real reason why it hurts. I don’t have a clear reason why my ankle/foot hurts. They think it is tendonitis. I think it is just nerve damage and over usage from fatigue. My foot gets tired and then it needs to rest but I don’t know it so I keep using it and then it flares up on me late at night. I then write blogs like this because I have nothing better to do and I can’t sleep anyways. I wish I was dead than deal with this pain every night. My heart is so heavy with heartache. I really don’t know why I keep going on. But tomorrow I will call my PCP and hopefully not talk to the stupid nurse about my UTI symptoms because other than leaking, I have no burning or pain. I don’t feel it because of nerve damage down there. I just have had bladder spasms. But those have subsided. But now my urine reeks so I know something is going on. Fucking CES always has to throw a wrench in the works. Can’t always be a simple case. I still will need to give a urine sample and I hope I will be able to. That is always the tricky part. I have to make sure I drink a lot before the appointment. Otherwise, I might not go when they give me the cup to pee. Oh the joys of retention! I no longer get the signal to my brain when I am full. Usually, I have to start leaking and then the signal goes to my brain that I am full. Fucking CES. Wrecks your life forever. And people don’t get it when you tell them. I was telling my cousin tonight the story about how I got CEs and the surgeries I went through. He still didn’t get it. But oh well. Not his life to live.

A review and a Rant

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

This morning I woke up to two comments, one was on my blog and the second was about my book. The one about my book was from a fellow CESer (Cauda Equina Syndrome sufferer) who loved my book so far and had to tell me about it. I felt good that she took the time to write such a lengthy comment, but well worded. She said I was an inspiration and that she would be sharing my book with friends and relatives. She is British, so used the word brilliant a few times. I didn’t mind. It was the kindest review I have gotten in a while.

The second comment left me perplexed. Either the writer had no clue what my blog was about or was trying to talk ragtime. Either way, I deleted the comment because if I couldn’t make sense of it, neither could anyone else.

To my new followers, thank you for following me. My readership has exploded the last few days and I thank you for it. I hope you find this blog informative and relative to what you are experiencing, or at least helps you to understand what it means to be suicidal a little better.

I did not succeed in canceling my appointments with my therapist this week. I texted her my swollen ankle and some how that was reason to uncancel my cancellation. UGH. Won’t do that next time! Course, the reason why a swollen ankle would not cancel a psychotherapy session is beyond me. She still wants a signed copy of my book. She desperately wants me to come out there. I am still trying to figure it out but I haven’t been feeling well all week. Today, my allergies have been making me sick with gagging episodes. I really hate post nasal drip and it doesn’t help that my area has trees that are in bloom, that I am allergic to. And it’s chilly. Temperature has gone back down to freezing. I can’t believe it’s almost May and we still have the heat on. There have only been one or two days that have been above 50 degrees in the past two weeks. My back and foot hate the cold. I used to not mind it but when it causes me pain, I have to pay attention to it. I also have been in a lot of pain the past few days. And of course, all I want to do is sleep because that is what my depression wants. I forced myself out today, gagging and all, to get my prescription and a mocha. I am praying the mocha stays in my stomach. I just figured maybe, if I got some coffee, I would feel better. I am a little bit more awake but I definitely feel like I need a nap.

My cousin invited me over for dinner tonight. He is also going to cut my hair. The barber didn’t do a good job so it’s longer in some places and shorter in others. I know I should go back but I think my cousin can fix it. Besides, it has been a few weeks since my last haircut. I usually like it buzzed on the sides and back and then short on top. My cousin will likely blend it in with scissors as his regular stuff is at his shop. I told him I was looking forward to dinner but really, all I want to do is sleep. Screw the haircut and dinner. I don’t care. But I told him I would go so it is too late now to cancel on him. He is making me cheeseburgers.

My therapist was annoying today. She will ask a question, say how am I doing and then when I ask to clarify, she replies with three questions. WTF. I hate that! It gets me all jumbled up. So I just answer one of them. We were also talking about how there is a suicidologist that seems to be making headway with his Interpersonal theory on suicide. His name is Tom Joiner. I read his book, Why People die by Suicide? And it was good. His theory is valid, as I have been there but the one element he is missing is psychological pain. I have noticed since Shneidman’s death, no one talks about psychological pain anymore. I find it sad, really sad. But even with knowing about the perceived burdensomeness and thwarted belongingness, how do you go about “treating” suicidal patients? That is the one thing that I believe is lacking in his theory. There is no treatment for it, and that is where Jobes’s CAMS model and SSF (suicide status form) comes in. Using this is the best defense in preventing suicide. That is my belief. If I didn’t feel so strongly about it, I wouldn’t be writing about it. Because it helped to save my life and I know it has helped others. It is also a reason why I talk about it in my book.

Easter Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome

Happy Easter to those that celebrate it. I had a good family outing that wasn’t stressful. I ate too much though, so my stomach is killing me at the moment.

For the past two weeks or so, I have been having bladder spasms, either following a urination or just before. Today I decided to take a home UTI (Urinary Tract Infection) test to see if I do indeed have one. Sure enough, I do. Just great. I am going to have to call my doctor tomorrow and see if I can get some antibiotics. I hope I don’t get the nurse when I call. They are clueless with nerve injury patients. Because I don’t feel right, I don’t get the burning or pain on urination like normal people get. It usually is bad enough when it reaches the bladder. I am very uncomfortable. This is my first tract infection in almost three years. Not bad, I guess, considering.

I have not been feeling well the last few days as the spasms have gone from a few times a day to all the time. Or it is just pain. I really can’t tell the difference. I just know that something is not right and I feel discomfort in my lower abdomen. I just hope tomorrow, if I have to go in, I can pee. I cannot pee on demand. I will have to make sure I drink a lot before the appointment so that I can go. Just another lovely consequence of cauda equina syndrome. Something that I neglected to put into my book.

I am hoping to have a session with my therapist tomorrow. I hope she will have a time available for me. I still am feeling stressed over my anxiety and my issues with a couple of friends. I was overreacting with one of my friends and the other I still don’t know what is going on. It will be good to talk to her to get a sense if my paranoid self is playing a part in this. Yes, I am taking my meds, but it takes a while for it to work.

I have been more tired lately than I have been. It is most likely due to fighting this infection that I have than anything. Plus being in pain/discomfort all the time is tiring. I haven’t been running a fever or anything. Just been feeling worn out. I just hope I get to see my doc because if I get someone else, I have to explain the whole thing about my nerve injury and how I don’t feel things anymore thanks to a disc pressing on my nerves. I once had to hand my doctor’s nurse information about cauda equina syndrome because she was so difficult. She just couldn’t understand why I couldn’t feel and thought it must be something else that is causing it. Air brain! Course, it doesn’t help that I have been eating asparagus the past two days. I just feel so icky. I think I am going to take a nap again. Seems every night around 18:30 (630 pm) I feel the need for one. I don’t know why as I got up late today (after 0900). Oh well, and I had a cup of coffee around 1600. So much for that waking me up…