Category: chronic physical pain

As You Turn Away

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain

As You Turn Away

I find this song fitting for how I feel today about things. I had therapy today and my therapist wants me to trek out tomorrow to see her. I don’t have any intention to do so. It will be the last time I see her and I think that will be harder on her. I really want to minimize my death as much as possible, should it happen this week. I am so torn. I want to stay but I don’t. I am tired of fighting the pain every day. I am exhausted due to lack of sleep all the time. I just don’t see how I can go on living like this. I am trying to but it just doesn’t make any sense.

My therapist did the SSF on me today. I don’t see the usefulness of it. But I let her have her answers. She filled in the blanks on reasons for living. And I just let her. I was too tired to argue with her. She read my short story on psychosis. She really liked it. She called it “scholarly”. I don’t know why she used that term as I didn’t use any clinical references at all in the story. It’s all autobiographical in nature about my psychosis episodes, minus the last episode. I really didn’t think the story made sense but she went off about how good it is and that I should get it published. I could tell she was trying to flatter me. She was going on and on how I can intertwine things in my writing. Anyway, I published it on my blog if you want to read it. It’s called “Psychosis is a Funny Beast”. I doubt it will ever see print in any other format.

Bad night of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

I’m typing this on my phone so if there are mistakes, that is why.

I am in horrible pain as I was expecting from my long day. I feel horribly depressed and suicidal. If I had something really lethal, I might try it. I don’t. I am very distraught that I have to go through another night of pain and misery. I guess it is good I don’t own any weapons. I always thought of purchasing a machete so I could hack off my ankle. Or fall on it to kill myself. But there are very few places that sell those kind of blades.

I often wonder why I am still living. I can’t stand the thought of going through another flare up because I wanted to have fun today. I love the Maya culture and I have missed out on so many things because of my disability. But this is the price I pay. Being in severe pain as I wait for my pain meds to do their job and knock me out in the process. I know in the morning I won’t feel so suicidal. But I am right now and that is why I am still up. Between the psychache and physical pain, I am under tremendous stress. I feel like I should do something. What, I am not sure.

I am so tired of being in pain all the time. It’s after midnight so my demons are coming out. Its a terrible thing to live like this day in and day out. I am exhausted. Being in chronic pain all the time just makes you exhausted and you don’t have to do anything to cause it. The pain just sucks whatever energy you have. Its awful.

I have been living in chronic pain for the last 3 years. You would think I would be used to it by now but I am not. It still drags me down to the abyss where I want to end my life and be done with this world. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. This needs to end. But how??

Day at the museum

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

wpid-wp-1430172879807.jpg

Day at the museum

I had fun at the museum. I learned a lot about the Maya, in more detail than I did while taking a class many years ago. I once wrote a Maya calendar paper. It was intricate and sometimes confusing. I have it in my archives if you want to read it. The pic in this blog post is my Maya date. The top part represent the bak’tun, tuns, and other stuff I can’t remember right now. The numbers with the dot separating them represents the Maya long count and the 9 Chickchan 13 Mak represents the animal year. I had fun but my ankle is not too happy with me right now. The movie we saw kind of made me nauseous, especially after we just ate. Eating before the movie probably wasn’t a good idea. I had to close my eyes during some of the movie.

I did a lot of standing, which made my ankle angry now that I am relaxing. I also did a fair amount of stair climbing, which also meant I had to go down the stairs. I got a good workout today. Kind of made me wish I had a salad for lunch rather than a cheeseburger. I am a sucker for a burger. I am wicked tired and probably won’t do anything tomorrow, unless my prescription gets filled at the pharmacy. I am having it transferred from mail order to retail because my doc fucked up the 90 day supply and just gave me a 30 day supply. I refuse to pay $20 when I can pay ten. I got my pain medication filled so I really don’t have to go back out today. I hope the transfer goes through in the next few days as I am running low on my BP meds. I didn’t think it was going to be a hassle but I guess it kind of is.

I was able to go to my happy place this morning before the trip to the museum. I wrote in my journal for a bit, like I usually do if I have time. I got the Tribute coffee, iced. It was good but I kind of wish I got a larger size. I have been getting a smaller size coffee to try and decrease the amount of calories I take in. It sucks! But with me not being active, it’s the little things I am trying to do.

I need a shower but there is no way my ankle is going to put up with that nonsense. It already is sending me fuck you’s. I guess I am in bed the rest of the night. This so sucks. But I have my game I can play and a book I can read if I feel like it. Sucks that in 3 days, I will no longer have my game. I really wonder what my FB feed is going to look like without my game feed. I am going to miss it terribly.

SSDD

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

SSDD

I didn’t do anything today. I woke up with a backache that prevented me from going to my niece’s birthday party. I just really didn’t want to be around people, especially as my stomach was giving me indications it might let lose. So between my stomach and back, I decided not to attend. I had a turkey sandwich and tater tots for my lunch and dinner. I really didn’t want anything else.

My mood is pretty low. I have a lot on my mind but I don’t feel like talking about it. Least not online anyways. I haven’t even made any FB statuses, except for baseball, on how I am really doing. I just want to hide away from everyone. The jerk who cut my hair, sprayed some cologne on me and it transferred to my tried and true baseball hat. Now I need to wash it to get the smell out. I have some sweatshirts that need washing so I can just throw it in there, but my biggest fear is that the hat will shrink. I already have a small, and I don’t need a tight fitting cap. We’ll see when I wash it. I certainly won’t be putting it in the dryer to dry.

I slept for most of the day. Only time I was really up was during the baseball game and having lunch/dinner. And what a fucking game it was. We lost 18-7. Damn pitcher came apart in the 3rd inning. It was the new guy, Miley. I really am not impressed with him. He can’t go longer than 2 innings! What the hell kind of pitcher is that?? He walked four men! He just totally sucks. And the relief pitchers are just as bad. When I stopped watching the game, it was 10-0. So, obviously, the O’s batted the hell out of the relievers to make it 18-7. Not sure how we scored the 7 runs as I wasn’t listening or watching the game. Maybe we had a chance of a comeback and then we got blown out. I will never know. I suppose I could check the box scores, if I was that interested. But I am not. Game is a loss.

I wanted to read but it never happened. I was too tired and in too much pain to sit long enough to do so. I really haven’t touched the book in a couple of days. I am just waiting for my new glasses to come to I can actually read without straining my eyes. When I posted my eyeglass update on FB, a good friend of mine joked that I am old, because I need multi-focal lenses. I had to laugh because he is older than I am by at least 2 years.

Tomorrow I am going to the science museum to see the Maya exhibit. I cannot wait. My friend is treating me and we will be seeing a movie at the Omni. I just hope I don’t get sick like I did the last time. This is a 3D movie theater and the motion of it can sometimes get me sick. Last time I went, I had to shut my eyes the whole time. It was not a fun experience.

This week is going to be difficult for me. My game ends on Thursday. I don’t think I am going to finish any of the missions, even though I have keys to finish it. I just don’t know what causes the pop up of the mission to finish. And once you use a key, the screen disappears. It doesn’t go back to the mission to finish screen. It is annoying me because I have 12 keys I could use to finish 12 missions. Once the game ends, I don’t know what I am going to do. I can’t play poker for more than a half hour at a time. It just gets boring after losing more hands than you win. I really am worried that I might just go insane with boredom.

I have a couple of phone calls to make tomorrow regarding my father. I have been putting it off for a while now and now that it is the end of the month, I have no choice. I hope I can call in the morning so that I am not on hold for too long. I hate being on hold!