Category: chronic physical pain

Random 347

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I did a lot of walking today, more than what I normally do. I am hurting, a little bit, but it was worth it. I have to keep on trying to stretch my limits so I can hopefully get back to work sometime this year. I was really tired today but I forced myself to get up and go. I got my glasses and because the glasses were more than the sunglasses, I got the sunglasses free! I only paid for one pair. That is half of what I need. I also need to get the multifocal glasses, which I probably will get online, now that I have the pupillary distance that is needed. I also got a haircut today. It was done by the same guy but he gave me a different cut! This cut will last me a while, though not as long as if he cut it closer like the last time.

I didn’t know what to have for lunch so went to my favorite pizza place and had a slice. Even though I went to Starbucks today, though I didn’t stay to write or even have something to eat. I really wanted to get the glasses out of the way and then go home. I stood way too long trying to find a pair of glasses that I liked. I found a frame that was on sale and got that. The sunglasses selection was not that great. They must have had a few dozen to choose from, none of which really stood out for me.

I am not that pleased that my legs are killing me right now. Other than walking every day, I don’t know what else to do to increase my endurance. It really sucks that I can walk half a block and then my calves cramp up. I have to try and be more active. It’s the only way that I am going to increase my stamina. I think it might also help my mood. But I don’t want to suffer at night with big time pain. That is one thing I don’t need! Because even though I am feeling proud of myself for walking the distances I did today, if I am hurting later it will be for not. I will be really upset with myself. I have to conserve my energy for Monday when I go to the museum with my friend. I don’t plan on doing anything tomorrow. Sunday is my niece’s birthday party. I suppose I will show up for food and snacks, then make a get away.

Took a shower to get the loose hair off of me. It was really hot because my mother had just finished washing clothes. Felt really good though. Now I can go to sleep, hopefully. I was going to make a steak dinner but I don’t think I will. I am too tired to cook. If I get hungry later, maybe I will. I still haven’t made my fish and chips. I probably will make that sometime this weekend.

In a week, I will have new glasses. I hope that I see better. It’s getting tough to read the Idiot because the print is straining my eyesight. I have been reading a chapter at a time to get through the thick book. It is one of my favorites of Dostoevsky’s books. I am glad that I took that Russian class. I have always been fascinated by Russia, the old, not so much the new. The new Russia has been broken up into so many pieces that I don’t know it anymore. Hell, I don’t even know the European geography anymore as so many countries have formed. I would have to take a class to know it all again.

And just like that, my ankle is throbbing. Is it too early to go to bed at 1800? I really don’t care if I wake up later. I just don’t want to deal with this pain today. But I know that I taxed it a little bit more today than any other day. I really hope this doesn’t cause a flare up. My friend has timed tickets to the event we are going to on Monday. It will really suck if I can’t make it because of my bum ankle. I don’t want to get ahead of myself. I just took a couple of pain pills to head off more pain. I really don’t want this to turn into a flare up. Only thing I have to do tomorrow is go to the pharmacy to fill my pain med prescription. But I can do that on Sunday, if I want to just chill tomorrow.

Cranky Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Cranky day

I didn’t sleep last night, not well anyways. I went to bed around 0100 and then woke up around 0400, went back to sleep, and then woke up when my alarm went off at 0630. I had to be up early for the grocery delivery. Luckily, my time was the first so I quickly put everything away, had some breakfast, and then went back to sleep for a few hours. I wish it was restful sleep but it wasn’t. I woke up more tired than awake. I hate losing sleep. It is the most frustrating thing in the world when you can’t sleep. Then I had therapy. I am glad I don’t have a gun because I probably would have used it on myself today. I just did not want to hear her talk and talk and talk. I brought up the blog and she wanted me to read it to her. That wasn’t happening. I was not in the mood to read. Then she said that seeing my psychiatrist should be a goal I should look forward to. She has lost her mind. Why the hell would seeing my psychiatrist be a goal?? It doesn’t make any sense and I was too tired to argue with her so let it go.

We also talked about my incontinence. It really made me want to die last night. And then today, I peed myself again. I am not liking my bladder these days. Monday I am supposed to meet with a friend and go to a museum. I will be wearing diapers because I really don’t want to be wet while walking around a museum. At 39, I am wearing diapers. Just shoot me now.

I went to see my father, who called twice during therapy. I didn’t answer because my therapist is more important than he is. He can wait. So after therapy, I go to his house. He isn’t fucking there. I call the house and no answer. I am bullshit. I really didn’t want to go to his house in the state that I am in anyways and he isn’t there? WTF!! So I leave. I go to a donut place and get some donuts while waiting for the bus that never came so I decide to take the train home. Wouldn’t you know, I get to my stop and my father calls wondering where I am. UGH. I go to the other side of the tracks and go back to his house and fill his pill box. I then try and scramble out of there but he wants me to call his doctor’s office. For what, I have no fucking clue. He doesn’t know why. He can’t explain it. Just that he wants ME to call. So I call and the secretary tells me they will send the paperwork to his doctor. I tell my father that and he isn’t satisfied. I think he wanted me to go to his eye doctor’s office and find out what he needed. The hell to the no I was not doing that nor did I offer. I just wanted to be on the bus home so I could sleep.

Except I couldn’t sleep. I took my cousin out for dinner. I was craving roast beef and onion rings and didn’t want to eat by myself so took my cousin with me. Now I am home, in pajamas, writing this blog post. I was kind of short with my cousin, who likes to bust balls. I didn’t care. He kept asking if I had any “dishes”, meaning women. How the hell am I supposed to meet someone when I hardly leave the house. And the second place, I am NOT looking for a relationship. That was how it went the entire time we were out. I should have went by myself.

I have a week left to play my game. Then it ends. I am going to miss it. I keep playing just to pass time. I am not going to listen to the baseball game tonight. I am too tired. I am going to take my meds early and then call it a night. I am not going to play my game like I did last night. I just don’t have the energy. I just hope I sleep tonight till tomorrow morning and not until midnight. There will be hell to pay if I wake up around midnight.

can’t sleep 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Can’t Sleep 2

Seems I am re-using titles. No matter when you have almost 1100 blogs. I can’t seem to sleep and my grocery delivery will be here in about 8 hours from now. Least I hope I am the first delivery of the day. The text I got said that it should be delivered between 0730 and 0930. So I am hoping for the first slot. I got a lot of frozen items and I hope it doesn’t get canceled like it did the last time. I need my fish and chips. I will have that for lunch tomorrow!

I saw my father tonight as it was my littlest niece’s birthday today. I told him I would be over his house tomorrow afternoon and he gave me a look. I am doing him the favor so I don’t know why he just can’t take grace with that. Pisses me off.

I had asked my therapist kind of late to call me so we can talk a little. I hate when I leak. It always takes away my dignity, or what is left of it. I feel ashamed of myself for not even knowing my boxers were wet (see previous blog). I know it’s not my fault that I leaked. I just have mixed feelings down below and I don’t like it. That is part of the reason why I haven’t had a pap smear in almost 10 years. I hate them to begin with but I have been hounded long enough about getting one. I just most likely won’t feel anything because I am numb.

Another reason I can’t sleep, is because I am running a slight fever and I am hot. The bladder spasms have stopped but I still don’t know if I have a UTI or not. I used some test strips but they were expired so I can’t really trust them. My white blood count was slightly positive so I might have an infection. Great, just what I needed. And because I can’t feel things like a normal person, I never know if I have one or not. And I saw the doc today, which only makes things worse. If only I had the spasms while I was at the office. I could have left a sample and be done with knowing if I have an urine infection or not. Now I have to call the office tomorrow and see if I can be seen again. I might wait a few days to see if I get better. I will buy some cranberry juice and see if that helps me. It might just be nothing.

I took 2 ativans so I can try and get sleepy. I listened to the baseball game. We were winning and then the starting pitcher fell apart. I don’t know why they kept on saying he hit a “brick wall”. He wasn’t hitting anything, including the strike zone. He walked three batters. I don’t think that is hitting a wall. So we lost 7-5 because my *favorite* pitcher does what he does best, gives up a homerun. I fucking hate Mujica. He sucks and always will suck in my book. The game kind of got me riled up so that is another reason I can’t sleep.

I realized why I didn’t get the LTD payment yesterday. It’s because it’s not the 4th Tuesday of the month. Least I hope that is the reason. I hate these payment schedules for disabilities. It is so bizarre. I really hope that I get it so I can get my glasses and a new cell phone. But we’ll see. It’s less than a week away. I haven’t gotten any paperwork saying that my benefits are going to be canceled, which I think if my LTD was up, I would have. It would save me $133 in payments for my insurance.

I am very hot so I just turned on the ceiling fan. I hate these hot flashes that I have been getting. I told my doc about it and he didn’t say anything about it. He didn’t seem too concerned about it. I asked him if it was because I was on hormone pills and again, didn’t say anything. Frustrating!! He did want me to have a physical in 4 months. So I guess if the hot flashes are still continuing, maybe he will do something about it then. I see his NP for the pap in two months. That should be fun. It is freaking me out but I am trying to be calm about it. I will take an Ativan before hand so I am relaxed and not freaking out. Fucking hate being a woman, I really do.

my ankle is also giving me grief, just another reason why I can’t sleep. I have so many reasons tonight as to why I can’t sleep that it’s amazing just writing about it is not knocking me out.

Good Day Turned Bad 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Good day turned bad

Warning, might be triggering or gross

I am still trying to be positive as today was a good day but on the way home, I leaked more than I have in the past, got bladder spasms while peeing, and my ankle has decided to throb with severe intensity. It’s very difficult to not slink down into a bad mood when the nerve condition you sometimes forget you have, slaps you in the face as a reminder your nerves are fucked. One of the people in my support group saw a neurosurgeon who “blew her off” when she asked him repeatedly what to do about the CES. He told her that once you get a stroke, you still have a stroke. That is the best way to put it. She got offended and it kind of pissed me off because he was right. I don’t know why she got mad because he was telling her the truth. Whatever you recovered in the first two years is what you are going to recover. Anything more than that after a two year anniversary is a bonus. If I didn’t get CES the second time, I think I would have been ok and not have the bladder problems I have currently or the ankle problem or the bowel problem. I think I am getting sensation in my rectum again and that is why it is hurting when I poop, even if the stool is soft. But my having bladder spasms is unusual as I wasn’t that full. I had emptied my bladder while at the doctor’s office. I didn’t have spasms then and I didn’t drink that much water on the way home. I might have had four ounces total. I just don’t get it. I know I should have a urodynamic test done but I am too scared to go on my own. And I don’t have a good friend to go with me because they are all male. I could ask my sister to come but that will open up a lot of questions and I really don’t want to answer them.

If you are just tuning in and wondering what the hell CES is, it is Cauda Equina Syndrome. It occurs when you have trauma to the horsetail part of the nerves from your back. You can Google it if you want more information or go to http://www.caudaequina.org.

My doctor’s appointment went well. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I was suicidal. Course I don’t feel that way today, which is why I answered no. As I was making the follow up appointments for my pain management, I realized that today would be the last day I see him, unless this bladder thing turns into an infection. He didn’t go off about my weight as I was down two pounds since the last appointment. I hope I can keep that up. But why bother, if I am just going to die in a few months time. My therapist still thinks that I am going to pull out of this. She said that I don’t know how many times yesterday. But I really don’t see the point as I can’t struggle anymore with this stuff. I am tired of fighting all the time. It is exhausting to be in pain all the time, to change my underwear constantly, to shower because I pooped myself. It just isn’t the way I want to live. And no one understand that more than a fellow CES sufferer. I would get support through the group but they have been annoying me lately, least the one on Facebook is. Facebook has been really annoying me lately. I think after my game ends at the end of the month, I am going Facebook free for a while and just be on Twitter. I have no idea what my Facebook feed is going to look like without my game requests. If it’s anything like my mobile feed, it’s going to get old very quickly.

I didn’t have therapy today. I kind of wish I did. Though at this point, it’s just checking in, least that what it feels like. I still don’t get the point in talking to her. I know we are never going to go over the blog that I wrote about the reasons for dying. She just doesn’t inquire, though she will ask about other assessments. I think her anxiety of losing me is just getting in the way of talking about how I really feel. Lately, I have been telling her but feel like it’s going in one ear and out the other. Hopefully, tomorrow we will “talk”.