Category: depression

Take your time

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Take your time

Babysitting duties are over. I watched my niece overnight as my sister went away for the night. It was uneventful except losing to her three hands in a row while playing UNO! Stinker! But last time we played, I beat her so I guess we’re even. She did her thing, and I did mine. I even got her to read a little bit before bed. Score!

I went over my father today and got to listen to his problem, again, in detail. Something I really don’t fucking care about. Three people have told him what to do and he doesn’t want to fucking listen so enough already. Today he wanted my opinion and I told him and again, he didn’t want to hear it. Then it started snowing so I had to leave before it got bad. By the time I came home there was an even layer of snow on the ground. We are supposed to have snow from now until fricken Tuesday. I am not kidding. Kids are probably not going to have school on Monday or Tuesday, possibly Wed, depending on how bad it is. This is the worse year for snow as far as I can remember. We already broke the record and the season hasn’t ended. If it was warmer, this would just be rain and I would be happy, though it would probably cause flooding, so that wouldn’t be good! Can’t win with the weather in winter. Last year was mild compared to this one.

Don’t remember if I mentioned in my previous blog that I got a new printer. I am having trouble with it. It won’t load the stupid drivers and I have done everything, x3+, in the order that they have been telling me to. No stinking luck. I am going to have to call support on Monday. Maybe the USB connection is broken or something. I can’t figure out the wireless connection and from what I heard, it is a bitch to configure. So I am just going old school. This really sucks because I wanted to print out my blogs to I can edit them and maybe work on my second book.

I slept pretty good last night in my sister’s bed. I didn’t wake up in pain, though I sort of did around 0100. I played on the computer until my pain meds kicked in. I brought a few down with me just in case. But once I did go back to sleep, I slept good. I didn’t wake up with side pain like I do on my bed, which is making me think I need a new foam topper. Damn things are expensive since I last bought mine. But it is well worth it. I think I have had my topper for close to 10 years. Only trouble is, I don’t know how to get rid of it. I will probably have to cut it up so that it will be easier to put in the trash. Damn thing is thick and hard to cut though. I tried cutting a corner to make it fit better on my bed and it took me close to a half hour just for one corner. I said the hell with it for the others.

I chose this song for my blog because the song is stuck in my head since I first heard it. I love his voice. His other song, “Leave the Night on” is pretty cool, too.

I haven’t decided if I am going to watch the Grammy’s tomorrow night or not. Taylor is up for three nominations. I would love for her to get another Grammy. Just hope Kanye isn’t invited.

Rearview Mirror

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

Rearviewmirror

I have babysitting duties tonight so I thought I would write now before I have to pick up the rugrat.

The sleepy’s haven’t left me. I feel really tired so need to lie down. I do but then I don’t go to sleep. I ruminate about things. Then when I finally get to the sleep stage, my damn phone goes off, disturbing me. GGRRR.

I still haven’t received the money that is owed to me by my royalties. I hope changing the banks works. Otherwise I don’t know what I am going to do.

Because I have to drive to pick up the rugrat and it’s really cold out, I can’t take any pain meds. I am not in super pain but just enough to say ouch. Those with Chronic pain will understand. I haven’t done too much today, other than go up and down my stairs to get something to eat and use the bathroom. I wish I had one near my room but there is no space for it. Oh well. I just took a shower and that helped to wake me up a little bit. I wish I had my new shampoo for my dry scalp but it hasn’t arrived yet. I hope it gets delivered today like it is supposed to.

I got a new printer. It was finally delivered the other night, well past the normal delivering hours. I was happy. However, I can load the damn drivers and it is driving me crazy! I just want to toss it out the window! Or return it! But I know it’s some kind of connection issue and I just have to figure it out. Though maybe I will, when I am not so cranky. I really have no patience these days. My damn father just sucks it right out of me. He called 4 times last night because he wanted to keep his cancelled appointment. It was 1945 when he first called! The office was closed so what the hell was I supposed to do?? I just let the phone calls go to voicemail. I was sleepy anyway and had no energy to deal with a two year old (father). I called him this morning and tried calling the office to set up another appointment but there is supposed to be a BIG snow storm this weekend going on so I am sure they are probably busy making other arrangements for their appointments for Monday and Tuesday. Snow is supposed to start tomorrow and end Tuesday! FUN FUN FUN. NOT. I don’t know where we are supposed to put this dump. We barely have room to keep what we have! This is the snow year. We broke the record for the most snow this season and it hasn’t stopped.

I talked with my therapist last night. We mostly talked about my imbecilic father. I wish I could say that it was a good conversation but it left me worried because of my psychotic symptoms. We talked about my psychiatrist not being there and how much she is a supportive person in my life. But for some reason she hasn’t pawned me off to her covering doctor. I am not sure I need to, but if the psychosis doesn’t go away, I am going to need some guidance. I can’t handle this on my own and I really don’t want to go back to the hospital, where I will get no treatment other than supportive care and dosed with numerous meds to keep me “safe”. I don’t think I can handle another admission. My last one was long and didn’t really help me. None of the issues that lead me to the hospital were dealt with. It was so frustrating. And my case worker just had her own agenda which was nothing to do with me.

I got my menses today which means I have to go back to female underwear and supplies. So demoralizing. I also have to stop the pill for a week to give myself a break. This so sucks!!

thank you

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

I am overwhelmed by your comments. Thank you. It really means something when people reach out when you are down on your luck.

I sun downed really hard last night. I was tired and when I am tired like I was last night, I often think about ending my life. I was not only tired in the exhaustion sense, but tired of life in general, as you probably already know.

I am talking with my therapist tonight. I hope that I don’t sun down on her as I will be talking to her around 1830. That is the peak of my down experience. I still am feeling tired. I woke up in pain just now (0600) and I had only one pill left of my pain medication by my bedside. I am hurting too much to get up and get another pill. Just hope one pill does the trick.

I am feeling hopeless still over my situation. Being in pain is not helping. Losing sleep because of pain is not helping. Hearing voices because, well, I have no fucking idea, is not helping. The meds do help in this area but that doesn’t mean I won’t have another psychotic break and end up in the hospital.

Aside from taking my bastard father to the docs yesterday, I really haven’t left the house in a week now. I still need to get my one prescription in the Square. Pharmacy probably restocked it by now. It’s supposed to be really cold today, in the teens so not sure if I want to venture out. If I do, I will definitely get my mocha, my one joy in life. My printer finally came last night. I plan on setting it up today but I don’t know if I want to. Everything is just overwhelming me right now. Think I will try and go back to sleep.

TG issues 4

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, suicidality, transgender

TG issues 4

I brought up my transgender issue with my therapist today. I really feel like if I go ahead with the process, there is no going back. But then what happens if it turns out to be a huge mistake. I will just end my life. My mother today called me “Miss” and I nearly lost it. I feel like I am drowning and no one is noticing or cares.

I asked my therapist how I am a transgender and she said she doesn’t know, basically. She gave me a lot of what I termed, bullshit answers. I don’t really remember what the actually words were, I just heard Blah blah blah. I feel so isolated and not having anyone to talk to about this except my therapist is really getting hard.

I have been thinking a lot about ending my life the past few days. It never goes away. I always seem to think about it when I get into this mood that I am in. I got my fucking menses, again. And I just can’t deal. I really can’t. It’s like the last straw. I want to cut ties with everyone and just go do what my thoughts are telling me to do. I should not have to live like this but I don’t have a supportive family. Hell, I don’t even have friends that I can just call up and talk to. Being disabled really took away everything I have so why not just end my life? What purpose do I still have being on this earth??