Category: depression

Psychopharm for Suicide Prevention

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender

Psychopharmacology for Suicide Prevention

Baldessarini and Tondo, in Suicide in Psychiatric Disorders, Tartarelli, Pompili, and Giardi, Eds 2007

I read this chapter in this book because I thought it would be interesting. Once you read that clozapine and lithium were valuable in the reduction of suicide, the rest of the article fell flat on its face. It talked about SRI’s (serotonin reuptake inhibitors) and how only fluoxetine was approved for adolescent use. The rest were “black boxed”. Maybe I was tired when I read this as I have been up most of the day and despite having two cups of caffeinated drinks, I am still tired. But the article, I felt was ridiculous. It listed more references than sentences. I hate articles like that. And the graphs made absolutely no sense. So unless you suffer from schizophrenia or Bipolar I disorder, you are fucked. I got more depressed reading this article.

I really wanted to kill myself after reading this. I don’t know why. Maybe because it said that I was in the age range that suicides happen and I am “untreated”. It did talk about how studies excludes those with suicidal thinking, which is a shame. But what was unclear was if the RCT (Random clinical trials) did anything if the subject became suicidal during the study. And what really pissed me off was they quoted “suicidality” like it wasn’t a word or something. It was really a bizarre article.

I also read today that 6 transgendered people killed themselves so far this year. I feel like I should be #7. I also read that Bruce Jenner, the athlete, is now a she. That totally blew my mind. It kind of gave me hope but I am feeling so shitty that all I can think about is killing myself because I hate myself so damn much. And that stupid article just gave me enough reasons to go ahead with it. I am going to write a will, so that my family knows what to do with my stuff. I want my books donated to my therapist in the hope it might help her. My journal articles might as well be recycled. They were of no value to anyone except me. My Suicide and Life threatening journal can be donated to the MGH library or a library that doesn’t have these important articles.

I am just so tired of living this way. My foot is throbbing big time and I didn’t even do anything to it the last few hours. It just exploded about an hour or two ago and the pain meds hasn’t even touched it. I think I am becoming psychotic again. I keep hearing my father’s voice and he isn’t here. And my regular voices have been really quiet, which is unusual. I know once I go to sleep, I probably will feel better when I wake up. I just feel so wired yet tired. Damn, it’s 0200. I don’t know how the hell time keeps escaping me. Maybe that is why I feel so disoriented. I know I have been playing on my laptop for the last few hours. I know because I have had to log out of one account and then log onto another back and forth to get the items I need for the one account I am working on. All for this stupid game I am playing. Maybe I should take my antipsychotic tonight. I usually take it every other night because otherwise I get nasty side effects. I hate them because they are so uncomfortable and I can’t do anything but SPAZ out. My arms and legs become very spastic. I hate it. But the drug keeps the bad voices away. I don’t know why I am hearing my father’s voice. He isn’t commanding. It’s just like remnants of a conversation more than talking to him like he is there. I don’t know if that explains it very well. Maybe I will take a trilafon and see if that helps.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS ARE SUPERBOWL CHAMPIONS!!!!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS ARE SUPERBOWL CHAMPIONS!!!!!

I took a nap before the game. I didn’t wake up till around the 3rd quarter but I watched it from the beginning to current play (I recorded the game). It was a difficult game. But the last touchdown that put the Pats on top was great! But with a few minutes left in the game, Seattle threatened to score. In comes the rookie and bam, interception. I was telling myself this guy who threw 4 interceptions last week didn’t throw one yet. His time was due and it couldn’t have been more perfect. It was such a huge play. I am so happy my Pats won with literally the skin on their teeth.

Snow storm is coming in, again. I won’t be going to PT again. I have decided to call it quits. I don’t give a fuck. I just was able to calm down my foot. I am not going to do exercises to bring my pain levels back up. I just don’t want to be in pain anymore. And if this is what I have to do, then this is what I have to do.

My pdoc got back to me. She said that she is “healing slowly”. No other word. Dammit, I need to talk to her! I hate this email crap. Sure it is fine when it is someone from another State or country but this person is my doc. I shouldn’t have care that is solely based on email! It is very frustrating.

I woke up around 0300. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I went on Twitter and saw all the posts about the Pats win. My therapist isn’t going to be in the office today because of the snowstorm. School got canceled once again. I hope they don’t cancel tomorrow. I need to talk to her! Last week was the first time in a LONG time that we only talked once a week. I need my twice a week sessions. I haven’t been texting her that much. I have nothing to say. I am just worried about things and only she can quell the anxiety around it.

I canceled my PT therapy appointment. They called before I did, super fricken early. There would be no way I could go even if I wanted to. Shuttle bus is delayed and so are the MBTA buses. It is a fricken blizzard out there. I’m not going out. I checked on the delivery of my printer and that seems to be on hold as well. Damn weather! I want my printer now dammit! But at least it is in my the town I live in so I should *hope* tomorrow will be the first delivery it makes and I don’t have to wait till the end of the day!

My stuff from Amazon won’t be coming till the end of the week. I ordered a must needed calendar. It helps me keep track of time and days rather than always looking at my phone. I also got my Selsun Blue shampoo. It was cheaper than it would be at Walgreens, $6/bottle. Can’t beat that price when they go for at least 8-9 bucks. I got the one specifically for itchy scalp so I hope it helps me.

I am playing all four accounts to play my game on Facebook today. I wish I could say that I was bored but each account just needs about three things. I also have to remember where I planted the short crops (those that take a short time to harvest) as I am getting confused. I keep having to log back out and in again. Luckily for the three accounts the password is the same. My main account has a different password that I change frequently so I don’t get hacked. I am getting old missions done on these accounts but one account, I completed one and got four more! Yikes!! Luckily, they were easy. I still have to plant 60 pumpkins (short crop, 1 hr) and then harvest them for the mission. Might do that tomorrow.

If the streets are clear tomorrow, I might go into the Square and get my last, lone prescription. It is the last one that I desperately need. The other one can wait.

Think after switching back and forth through my accounts has tired me out. I really don’t remember what I am doing anymore, and for which account. Might take a break and then do some more later. I need to do some reading today, anyways.

SuperBowl Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, depression

SuperBowl Sunday

Been thinking about what to write today. Nothing has really changed since yesterday, though my stomach feels better. I found a pair of glasses that I thought I lost last night while looking for the Lincoln DVD. I have no clue where the hell this disc is. I have looked everywhere for it. I might have to buy another one. Then I will find the old one. Isn’t that always the case?

Last night I had an anxiety attack. I took a pill to calm down, showered, then tossed it up. Yup, I got sick in the shower. First time that happened. It took me a couple of hours to finally take my night time meds. I don’t know why my stomach was so topsy turvy. I didn’t eat anything that was bad. I guess it is just nerves.

My father is driving me crazy. He called today saying he has a bruise on his abdomen. That usually means his blood thinner is too high. A snow storm is supposed to hit the next two days, starting tonight. I don’t know if the office is going to be open tomorrow. My Tuesday schedule is probably going to be all screwed up because I most likely will have to take the bastard to the docs. And I can’t say anything to my sister about the bruise, but I need to borrow her car to take him to the appointment. I am so sick of coordinating his medical care.

Last night he was in one of his moods, the pick on me moods. He saw my haircut and just started laughing. Asshole. And then he wants something from me?? He is the king of jerks.

Going to read as much as I can today. I have less than 300 pages to go with the Civil War book. I figure if I read at least a chapter a day, I might be able to get through the book sometime this month. I want this book off my bed by the end of the month, so that is my goal.

I’m listening to country radio, which keeps going from stereo to non stereo and it’s annoying me. I haven’t been able to find the right “spot” to prevent this from happening. But oh well. It’s music and that is all I care about.

I don’t know why I was so anxious last night. It was awful. I was extremely annoyed and irritable. I guess things were building as my aunt made a comment about me wearing my hat in the house. She wanted me to take it off, or just be a bitch. I am not sure. But it annoyed me. Then my father made his remarks. I told my niece Happy Birthday and left. I couldn’t take being the butt of jokes anymore. I don’t know what the hell my aunt’s problem was. It’s not like I have not worn the hat in the house before. I always wear it so I don’t get the big fucking deal. And I refused to take it off. But my father was watching the whole charade. Totally pissed me off. Guess it started with my other aunt calling me “missy” several times, which totally made me so fucking pissed, but I didn’t say anything. I fucking hate my ‘family’ so much. And then people wonder why I want to kill myself.

Shit Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, CES, chronic physical pain, depression

Shit day

I haven’t decided if I am going to take a shower or not. Think I will wait to see if my stomach settles down. I feel awful. I looked for my Lincoln DVD and was unable to find it but I did find some suicidology books. I will add them to the pile that I have for them because I don’t have space in my bookcase yet. I am glad I found them because it gives me something to read other than the Civil War book. I was reading “Definition of Suicide” but that book is really taxing. I have to be really alert to pay attention to it because the vocabulary is quite unique.

Today was going okay until my bowels decided to explode on me. I just barely made it to the bathroom. A combination of coffee and laxatives has caused all hell to break loose. I am debating taking some Imodium to try and calm things down. I hate when this happens because I can’t do a damn thing. I have to be near a toilet or I risk shitting myself. I was supposed to go to my father’s but it’s freezing and icy out. My middle sister is going there now to do his laundry. I asked her if she could do his meds for me. Guy will go berserk if the box isn’t filled up. He is such a pain in the ass.

Ankle is still bothering me but I haven’t taken any meds for it. I am afraid of getting back up again if I do. I hate getting backed up and then have the explosive bowels. I usually don’t get them but damn, when I do, it’s bad. I guess I shouldn’t have had the coffee but I was feeling sleepy and needed to be awake. Today is my niece’s birthday. She is turning 19. The party is at 4 and I hoping my stomach settles by then. I was so hoping to get a shower in but damn bowels have left me feeling weak. I should probably take a nap but I really don’t want to. I have been having strange mini dreams today, mostly involving suicide of someone in the dream. I really don’t want to go back there.

I am still trying to get reviewers for my book. If anyone on my blog wants a FREE, signed copy of my book, let me know. I will send you my book in exchange for a review. Warning the book is powerful and may make you cry. I had two people tell me this. I wrote it from the heart.

There is supposed to be another damn storm coming in from tomorrow night into Monday morning. I hope I still have therapy Monday. The appointment is at noon. I hope the snow has stopped by then. If it is really bad out, I will cancel. I am not going to risk a fall.

I have been in a strange mood the past 24 hours. I feel really down but not really. I just want to die, to cease to exist. My cousin’s mother passed away this week. She and her son has been on my mind. I got him a sympathy card and plan on mailing it on Monday. She was a good woman.

I have been thinking of writing again on my co-authored book. Trouble is that I don’t know what I did with the list of phrases to work on. Maybe I will do that tomorrow. Or I could write some more about suicide. I like that topic best. It is my muse. It is something I write well in.