Category: depression

Sirens

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression

Sirens

This song was the first new song that I heard from Pearl Jam in years. I was not medicated when I heard this. It caused a psychotic reaction that put me in the hospital because my brain kept playing it over and over, changing the lyrics and telling me to die. Now I can listen to it without it having damaging effects on me.

I had an interesting day. I chatted with a blog reader, via email, about various things. It was good to “talk” to her. She is a sweet person. I then worked on my short story, trying to make it longer. I am up to 900 words. I hope to bring it up to 1000 by tomorrow. It’s hard to write because the feelings that I used to write it, is not there anymore. It’s been draining trying to get back into that mindset.

I didn’t have therapy with my therapist this afternoon but she is able to talk to me tonight. I sent her the blog I wrote late last night. I feel like she should be in the loop.

I got my Bluetooth headset to work with my phone and laptop. I am glad because I hate wired headsets. I can walk around my room and not have to be in danger of my laptop or phone dropping to the floor. With the laptop, I found I could walk to my office and still have signal. I was listening to Pandora for most of the day and I didn’t want to stop.

It was snowing most of the day today, though when it stopped the sun came out for a little bit. I was in my room so I didn’t see it. The brightness can usually give me a migraine so I tend to keep my room on the dark side. I hate bright sunny days. It always gives me a headache.

I can’t seem to find the ream of paper that I “stole” from my work. I don’t know if my niece took it because she needed to print something or what. I got to ask my sister. I will need to buy a new ream, though I don’t know when. I also have to buy mailers for my book to be sent out for review. I sent it to the American Association of Suicidology but I never heard back from them and I haven’t seen it posted. I hope they choose my book to review. It would be really cool.

I haven’t heard from my friend Duane since November. I don’t know if I am a bother to him or not so I have not emailed him. I didn’t even send Christmas greetings to him. He sent a harsh email to me and I am still reeling from it. So I just have been leaving him alone. I am hoping he will contact me when he wants. I also haven’t heard from my BFF since August. I think he called me around his birthday and I haven’t heard from him since. I sent him a Christmas card. I didn’t send everyone cards as I didn’t have that many. I just sent people that sent me a card. I wanted to send my friend in Canada one but never got to the post office. Now I can’t send it because she moved. Will save it for next Christmas and just change the address.

What My Blog is About

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

What my blog is about

I feel like I should write this because I am tired of having to censor myself while writing my blog that is an important outlet for me. I started this blog because I was in a deep dark whole. It was a way for me to express my dark, suicidal thoughts. If this bothers you, please find another blog to read. I am not going to stop writing my thoughts because you find it offensive. This is what my blog is about, my midnight demons. I will never post the where, why, what, when I will kill myself on this blog. You will never know. But if there is more than three days of me not posting, I guess you can assume the worst, unless I am in the hospital and I am unable to post. I will usually post before going in the hospital as I very rarely get an involuntary admission. And I don’t do stupid things to hurt myself. There may or may not be a goodbye blog. That is something that will happen when I am close to really acting on my thoughts.

So, again, if my suicidality is too much for you to handle, go find something else to read. I don’t need friendship to help me through my thoughts. My writing is my therapy. And if I have to start censoring it because someone is offended, then it hurts me more than it hurts you. That is your problem, not mine.

On another note, if you don’t like what I write in this blog, DON’T READ IT. No one is forcing you to read my blogs so if it offends you or upsets you in anyway, go the fuck away from it. Find another blog to read and criticize.

how’s it going to be

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression

How’s it gonna Be

Heard this song today and thought it was perfect for how I am feeling today. It just hit me.

Last night I watched Good Will Hunting. It was the first time that I watch a movie with Robin Williams since his death. It was hard watching the show. But I did watch it, beginning to end, because it is my favorite movie.

I finally got my printer setup. Turns out my virus software was the problem. I just uninstalled it because it expired. I really need to get it this month. It is going to be the first thing I purchase.

It snowed pretty heavily today. I didn’t go out, again. My front steps hadn’t been cleared yet by my brother in law. There is no school for the kids again for tomorrow. I haven’t gotten word from my therapist about her kid’s school system. And I haven’t gotten a message from my news station either. Last time, they didn’t send the message until about 2000. They just declared a state emergency so I don’t think I will be having therapy tomorrow. Fuck. I was so looking forward to it too.

So tomorrow will be another day of boredom. Least my Amazon package got delivered today. I got my calendar and pens. Now I can write in style! I got a lavender, turquoise, and black ink pens. I thought all were going to be black but the last time I bought the package, the ink was the color of the top. I have two turquoise colored pens that I adore. I miss buying pens. I no longer buy them at my pen shop because they don’t carry the kind that I like. I can only get them through Amazon because their prices are cheaper than Staples.

So I have writing to do tomorrow. I also have a new book that I bought, well it’s not really new. It is just a replacement copy of the one that I misplaced. I don’t consider things lost unless they leave my house. So I have that to read as well as the Civil War book that I am trying to finish sometime this year. I can’t wait to finish it so I can fucking review the shit out of it. 300 pages to get to the summer of 1862. 276 pages to get to the start of the war!! That is almost 600 pages!! And they don’t really distinguish the Union solders/generals from the Confederates! You have to look up the names to figure it out. OI this book is so annoying. But I have a rule, once you start a book, you need to finish it. So I am going to painstakingly do so. I have other books that I have bought that I haven’t read yet. I might start a new book after I read the “Suicidal Mind”.

I am going to have some printing fun. Though I am low on paper so I can’t go too crazy. Dammit, just as I suspected, my therapist school district just closed for tomorrow. I just got the text. Fuck. And there is a travel ban on so she can’t go to the office even if she wanted to.

Friend of mine in the UK called me today. It was great talking to her. She was telling me that the Mayor of London is visiting Boston. He got stuck on the Red Line today. I hope he wasn’t the passengers that had to be evacuated. What a poor time to visit Boston in the middle of the storm. He is now stuck here till at least Wednesday as all major trains and airports have shut down. I feel bad for him. But maybe he will like playing in the snow. I don’t know what kind of meetings he had planned. But they are all cancelled now. And with the State of Emergency going on, I doubt that he will be going anywhere any time soon. They had urged him to leave earlier, to go to New York, but he insisted on keeping his appointments. Oh well, hope he likes Boston and doesn’t think we are rude for keeping him.

A Little Unwell

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression

A little unwell

This song has been on my mind for the past week or so since a fellow blogger mentioned it. It seems fitting for today. Song is by Matchbox 20.

I got the case of the sleepy’s today. All I want to do is sleep but either my phone keeps going on with text messages or my mother’s phone keeps ringing every few minutes. I did manage to sleep for about 3 hours. I don’t know why I am so tired. I have no other symptoms. I am just exhausted and I haven’t done anything.

I got my new debit card today as my old one expires the end of the month. I thought I would do some shredding of some old pharmacy papers. I didn’t realize I had so many, and that was only within the last few months. No wonder why I am broke. All my money goes towards my meds. When I worked, I used to get reimbursed for the expense through the whatever you call it expense thing. I have a brain fart for the official name right now. I think it is FSA but I don’t know what that stands for. It helped during the year as I could get glasses and get the money back to pay more bills or buy birthday presents. I miss shopping for other people. But with my limited income, that makes it hard to do.

I have to file my taxes this year. Last year I didn’t because all I collected was my SSD. But now I have my royalties from my book and need to. I hope I don’t owe too much. I think I made like $300 in sales. Not bad, I guess. And that is from international sales as well as Kindle. I haven’t sold too many books on Kindle like I thought I would. I guess people need the paperback. I don’t have a hardcover for my book because unfortunately, it wasn’t an option. Only paperback. Might as well as it is not that long of a book, though it took me a year to really write it to 150 pages. The rest of it is the title page, references, and chapter page. I never did match up the page numbers with the chapter page. That would take too much work. It was hard enough formatting the damn thing. Took me all night to get it so that Amazon would accept it. That was one crazy weekend.

I really need to take a shower today. Even though it has been cold outside, I have been running hot and cold. Just the way the heating system is in my room. So I get hot and bothered and have to take off my long sleeved Tee. I am taking the week off the pill this week to try and stop the menses. I hope that this time next week, it will be done. And I will be free for another three months.

I am snowed in the next few days. Major storm is on the horizon, with snow predicted until fricken Tuesday. I hope my therapist doesn’t have to cancel this week. It will so suck.

Last night I kept myself occupied by watching videos of the Grand Ole Opry. It was pretty cool. If I ever go to Nashville, I will have to see a show. I mostly watched videos that had Carrie Underwood in it. She is one of my favorite artists. I still need to get her greatest hits album. I still haven’t decided if I want the CD or MP3. I have a few weeks to decide.