Category: depression

Valentine’s Day 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Valentine’s Day 2015

Today is my sister’s 10th anniversary. I wish them well, even though they have their disagreements, they are still together. In honor of the traditions, which is tin or metal, my brother in law gave my sister a package of aluminum foil. I had to laugh. I am still laughing.

I went to my crummy father’s. He does have a nice place, but he is the one that is crummy. He got wicked mad at me because my boot tracked in snow and salt. I am never going to hear the end of it. I filled his box of pills and waited for my sister to finish his laundry. Damn guy has it made. My youngest sister does his bills, middle sister does his clothes and makes his bed with the clean sheets, and I fill his pill box.

I didn’t shower like I wanted because I woke up kind of late. I wanted to get up around 1000, but got up around 1030 instead. I had a crappy night sleeping. I went to bed around 1930, only to wake up around 2300 to the beeping of my pill reminder alarm. I forgot to shut it off as I took my pills around the time I started snoozing. Then I was up like every fricken hour. I finally called it quits around 0300 and read for a little bit. I was in pain so took some pain meds. When they kicked in I went back to sleep for the next few hours. I woke up around 0730-0745 to hear my mother struggle down the stairs. I am always fearful she is going to fall so I listen carefully before I went back to sleep. It was really a rough night and I don’t know why. I think the dreams that I had during my nap is what kept me up. I still had a feeling of doom while sleeping, which didn’t help.

I just finished my babysitting duties. I am tired and want to go to sleep but I have crops to harvest and plant (FB game). Ankle just flared up so I doubt I will be going to sleep anytime soon. I tried ignoring the pain last night and it didn’t get me anywhere close to a restful sleep. Not ignoring it tonight.

I was able to get $20 out of the deal, so now I can put some money on my T pass and possibly go out next week. I do have to go out on Wed for a doc appointment. I just wish it in the vicinity of a Starbucks. I really miss having their coffee. Even though I make it at home, it’s not the same as going out and getting it.

I don’t think that shower is going to happen tonight like I was hoping. Maybe if I am still up in a couple of hours, I will take one. But it’s really cold in the house and I know the floor is going to be super cold. I wish we had heated tiles. That would be so nice.

Random 873

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

I finally was able to have a nap today. Too bad it was filled with horrible dreams and images. Luckily, they dissipated when I woke up. I had woken up early today because the cable guy was supposed to be here between 8-9. They got my TV working again, though even he had trouble getting through to cable to turn the device on. I had to laugh.

I still am pretty sleepy but thought I would write before going back to bed. I don’t think I will be working on my short story today as I have no inclination or motivation to do so. It will have to stay at 845 words, for now. I was going to work on it this morning but I got distracted by Twitter and my text messages going off. The public transportation system is a mess since all this snow, with major delays and cancellation of services, especially our commuter rail lines.

I am feeling pretty crummy for some reason, not physically, just mentally. I think it’s because my mother really said something hurtful to me this morning. She was blaming my niece’s irresponsibility on me, like it is my fault she didn’t wake up to watch my little niece. It really pissed me off. But if I am so irresponsible, how is it then, that you still have cable and I have my cell phone? She just is a bitch and it is getting worse as I get older. I can’t stand her. I really wanted to tell her off but I bit my tongue. I really wanted to say something but I just walked away.

Tomorrow I need to see the other parent. Wish someone would fill my pill box every week. I was talking with a friend last night and she wondered why I didn’t go to the ER when I was psychotic. Just because I was a little agitated didn’t mean I needed to be in the ER. She thought I would be “safer”. I explained, which I shouldn’t have to, that I have been through this before and I know when I need to be in the ER and when I don’t. She got all mad. WTF.

I finally found my Lincoln DVD. It was on my nightstand all this time, hidden under some tissues. I am glad I found it because I was starting to think that I lost it as I couldn’t remember what I did with it. The place where I thought it was, it wasn’t. I checked every where that it could be, including the case and where I put my other CDs. But it is found and that is the important thing. I watched it and I couldn’t believe I fell dozed off during my favorite part of the movie. I woke up with the battle scene and Lincoln talking to Grant (where the end of the movie should have taken place, in my opinion). I didn’t cry during the end when he died. I usually do, even though I have seen this movie over a hundred times already. I will probably watch it tonight and try not to doze off.

Oh my Gawd, my whacky cousin just came to visit my mother. Hope she doesn’t want to see me. I can’t stand her. She drives me nuts with her constant health problems, some of which I think are made up or diagnosed on the internet. She once saw a whacked doc who told her, her adrenals were depleted. If that were true, she would be able to maintain her blood pressure. She’d be passing out left and right. Hypochondriac she is. I used to trust her and actually did one time. But then she teased me on my mental illness and other things so I cut her out of my life. I have limited contact with her as much as possible.

I still got my damn menses. I hope it goes away soon. It’s so annoying me not wearing boxer shorts. I think I am getting a migraine. My head hurts, but only on one side of my head. I hope some ibuprofen takes care of it.

What We Ain’t Got

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

What We Ain’t Got

This song was ruminating in my head today. I hope you will take the time to watch it. It’s by Jake Owen.

I stayed up later than I should have last night but that wasn’t the plan. I was hurting because my ankle was jerking, literally. I then woke up around 0530 because of pain. I can’t run away from it. It’s dragging me down like there is no tomorrow. They say that if you have your health, you have everything. I once had it and somehow I lost it through no fault of my own.

The song talks about regret. And how we all want what we ain’t got. It’s a sad song but it touches me. Makes me think.

I have been sleeping on and off today. I just am so tired. I think it is because I got my menses today. I am going to try and shower today. I didn’t shower yesterday because I didn’t feel like it. But I did brush my teeth. I have been trying to brush my teeth more often. Some days it works, and others it doesn’t.

I no longer have paper for my printer. I used it all when I printed the SSF (suicide status form). It’s the latest version and I wanted to check it out.

Damn it. My foot is doing the jerking again. Going to have to take some medicine to quite it down. Guess editing it out for today. I was going to call the doc today and tell him about this but it’s too late to call now. I’ll try tomorrow.

Three feet from the bureau

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide attempt

Three feet from the bureau

In October of 2012, I was caught in another flare up. It was night time, well past business hours of doctors and therapists. Normally I am good at reaching out. I text my therapist. I write in my journal or blog to get through the episode. But this night was different. I snapped. I couldn’t bear any weight on my foot that night and it really made me feel like I couldn’t go on. I was so tired of feeling like an invalid. I wanted to die in an awful way. Problem was that I couldn’t get to my bureau three feet away to get the meds I needed to do me in. Any time I tried to move, I was in agony with horrible foot pain. I could barely move my foot out of the covers of my bed let alone stand long enough to shuffle to the bureau. I cried as there was nothing I could do but take what I had at my bedside. It wasn’t much but it was enough to make me unconscious and away to dreamland I went.

When I awoke the next morning, I was in a dreadful mood. I wondered if I had really done what I thought I did. I checked my pill box and it was empty. I checked the contents of my pain meds and it was close to empty. I couldn’t believe what I had done. But I survived it and am living to tell about it. How I woke up I don’t know. I felt ashamed of myself, not in surviving but of making an attempt and not seeking help. I had promised my doctors that if I felt like I did that night, I would call them. But no phone calls were made. I had a confidential suicide hotline to call but I didn’t. I had made suicide prevention part of my treatment plan but yet the crisis response plan went out the window that night. I didn’t implement any of it. I just took pill after pill until I passed out.

This scared me. I was no longer in pain yet who is to say that if this happened again I wouldn’t try to end my life again? Dealing with chronic pain is a beast. And so many times it doesn’t get a flag for suicide risk assessment. My better judgment wasn’t in gear that night. I not only wanted to end the pain, I wanted to end everything. I spend the next few days in a haze, and not from medication. I was scared to let my practitioners know what I had done. I finally broke down and told my therapist. It was very difficult admitting my attempt. I then told my psychiatrist and she shocked me by saying that if I wasn’t in pain, I wouldn’t have done what I did. And it’s true. Chronic pain changes you, not only physically but mentally as well. It took me a while to write about what I had done on my blog. After all three feet was the only thing stopping me from ending my life or attempting to. I’m still fearful about making another attempt while in the throws of another flare up. I keep a small portion of my meds by my bedside so they are not lethal. I was lucky I didn’t need medical intervention the next day. I still am not quite sure how many pills I took that night. And that also scares me because who is to say that the next time I won’t count them out.

Chronic pain is not something to underestimate. Hundreds try to end their life year after year because of physical pain. Most people see their doctors before an attempt is made. The question remains whether an assessment is made for either depression or suicidal thinking. My primary tries to assess my mental health but mostly just asks when my next appointment with my psychiatrist will be. It might be followed up by will I call him if I feel like taking an overdose of my pain medication. Yet he knows he is not the first person I will call. In my order of people to call: my psychiatrist, therapist, primary, then ER if I can’t get a hold of one of them.

That night, I didn’t call anyone. All of my safety plans went out of the window. All because I was overwhelmed by excruciating physical pain. I think if I could go back in time, I would have taken the time to breathe. And think more of self-preservation rather than self-destruction. I am more aware now of what to do but it’s not that easy when you are in the heat of the moment. A month ago I was again in excruciating pain for three days yet suicide was the furthest thing from my mind. I knew what to do to cope with the physical pain. And luckily that didn’t involve a bottle of pills. I felt the attack come on so treated my pain much earlier than I did in October. This helped to keep the suicide demons at bay. I texted my therapist, I emailed my primary that I was in excruciating pain. I also got in touch with my psychiatrist who help me to see there was a tomorrow. Doing these things didn’t make my physical pain hurt less but made my psychological pain bearable. It helped me to cope through this rough patch.

Being mindful about pain is how I get through bad flare ups. I have no control over these pain attacks. But I do have control over what I do with it. I learned my lesson from that October night.