Category: depression

Abyss of Darkness

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Took yesterday off from blogging because I didn’t know what to write. Things have been so difficult lately that writing this blog has been rough. What has been my outlet is now a fullstop. I don’t even know if that last sentence makes sense. I just am very depressed.

It’s hard being depressed and not being able to express it like I have in the past. It’s killing me skipping days but my doc doesn’t want to put added pressure on me with this blog. I can’t even write in my journal. But I know that if I stop writing, things will get worse. I am always on the verge of suicide and not writing might just push me. So even though my pdoc wants me to cut down on my blogs, I just can’t. I might not write everyday like I used to, so don’t be shocked that the blogs are not consecutive like they once were. I know I have daily readers so I apologize but I got to take care of me in some way. If I feel like writing, I will and if I don’t, I just won’t. Hopefully there won’t be too many won’ts.

I visited my therapist today. There was no traffic, at all, so I got there two hours early. I shopped at the Whole Food Market but didn’t buy anything. What I wanted, they didn’t have. Or what they did have was too expensive. I really wanted carobs as I haven’t had them in years but all they had were carob chips and that wasn’t what I was looking for. I was really bummed. I then went to Starbucks and tried to write. Nothing worthwhile came to me.

My therapist finally got her signed copy of my book. She is overjoyed. We talked about the book some as I told her I was thinking of pulling the plug. At first she didn’t know what I was talking about, but then I explained that I was taking it off the market, and she freaked out. Well, not really, but she gave me the let’s talk about this glare. And I so didn’t want to talk about it. She still thinks that there is some merit in my book, just like this blog helps people. But I told her I just feel like I exposed myself too much and this is getting dicey. I still feel nervous while talking about the book, in detail, even while I was with her. The session just felt like it was going on forever. I know the book needs to go into the hands of suicide people and I don’t mean those that have attempted. Maybe clinicians. But I am not rich and can’t be shipping my book to all the psychologists in my area or around the US. It might just end up in the recycle bin. I am sending it to the AAS for review so I am hoping I get a good review and maybe it will sell a little better. If not, at least I have the AAS backing on my book which will mean more than anything. I am looking for validation and it’s killing me that I am not getting it. I guess that is why I am so depressed. My needs are frustrated. I still need to send my book to the consultant. But I am out of mailers. I will have to go to the post office tomorrow and do that.

We also talked about why I don’t want to “talk” in therapy. I told her I felt like I am wasting her time. I still feel like she could make better use of her time if she saw someone else. I guess I feel like I don’t deserve to be in treatment. It’s the same thing with my pdoc. I don’t know why she makes time for me. It’s not like things are going to change in a week and I am going to magically feel better. I am hopeless. I don’t think things are going to change. I am stuck in the abyss of darkness. Sure, things have gone a little better this week. I did get some validation on my book. And I know the word needs to be out there but am I the person to do it?

My therapist still thinks that it is quite an accomplishment to write a book and publish it. But I just feel bad because, like my blogs, they don’t have any messages other than my life sucks. I don’t leave any hopefulness in here nor the book. Call me the harshest critic, but the book is depressing. But then, when can you call a suicide attempt a happy event? You don’t. And not too many people know the extent of just how suicidal I have been over the years. My one regret is that I didn’t put the website for the CES support group in the book on the reference page. It completely slipped my mind, until now. It would seem silly to redo the whole process just to put in a website. I don’t think I can bear it again. Three or four times was enough.

a mixed day

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I have had an emotional day. It started off crappy. Therapy sucked. I went out to get a mocha but there were no seats for me to sit at. So I decided to do an errand for my mother and as I was crossing the street, I got hit by a biker. My arm and shoulder are sore but I saved my mocha. I don’t know how it didn’t end up on the ground. But I think I scared the biker more than anything.

I came home to the mail and it got the sweetest letter by one of my CES support members. She sent me some extra money to ship out my book to prominent people. She think I can send it to Michelle Obama and I am going to try and send it. Worse that can happen is that it gets sent back to me. I think I should write a little note with it as to why I am sending it though. That might help! I might send one to Hillary Clinton because she was on the mental health awareness thing today. If she can endorse it, maybe CES and suicide attempts might get recognition. Big hopes there but you never know.

Then a family friend came over tonight and I talked about the book. I was pretty nervous. I never talked about the intimate details about the book in front of anyone before. Sure online, but that is different than face to face. I still am shaking inside because of anxiety. I have been having more of that lately than I care to admit to. It really stinks. She had no problem with me rambling on about what I was writing about and the formatting problems and the struggle with the editor. It was really good to talk about but I couldn’t help feel nervous about it. She is not a stranger to me. We have known each other for years as our mothers are best friends. I just don’t know why I felt so nervous other than being nervous. I never really talked about my book like I did tonight. And this book is like my baby. I told her there will be another book and she can’t wait for it. I told her it will be a little while. Let’s see how this book does!

So my mood has been all over the map today. I know I am going to be sore tomorrow from that biker. Luckily he didn’t get hurt either. I would have felt really bad if he did.

I have therapy tomorrow so I have some stuff to talk about. I think this is the first time all week that I had something to talk about that I am actually looking forward to talking about, if that makes sense. I still don’t want the session but it will cost me if I cancel it. I just don’t know why we got to meet twice a week. I hate it. Maybe I can get her to reduce our sessions. I just feel like meeting on back to back days is getting me into the funk of not wanting to talk. Then I feel like I am wasting her time and mine. Course, I just think I am a waste of time. Call it the imposter syndrome. If she really knew who I was, she wouldn’t want to do therapy with me. Sometimes I just feel like she is humoring me. That she could do so much more with her time if I wasn’t in her schedule. I just hate her and then when I do tell her, she laughs like it is a joke. I know I am being half serious but shouldn’t she take me seriously? Then, I will feel remorseful and “love” her. I feel like I am borderline with these extremes. I really don’t want to talk to her tomorrow. I know I had some good things happen today but this blog can explain everything to her, if she has the time to read it.

still struggling

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Still struggling with the depression. I feel like it is strangling me at this point. I still don’t want to go to therapy but my therapist is persistent and talked me into a session tomorrow, our normal time. I had cancelled it but, of course, she kept it open. I just feel like I can’t get a grip on this thing. I just want to do nothing.

I really wanted a cup of coffee today but there was no cream at my sister’s. I was bummed. I could have went to the store to buy it but found reasons not to. I had to take a shower today as I didn’t take one in almost a week. I did, then tripped over the towel I was using and tweaked my back. I have been hurting ever since. Now I really don’t want to do anything. My mother has been bugging me to get eggs. I will tomorrow, or try to. Depends on how I feel tomorrow. Maybe I can get my starbucks coffee and be a little happy about something.

I have been listening to music to try and help my mood. So far the playlist is on all my songs so it has been helpful because there have been songs I haven’t heard in a while. Some of the songs have meaning, others are just upbeat enough to take me out of the misery for a little bit. I keep trying to fight the depression but it’s tough. Seems like whatever I try to do, it backfires on me and I end up feeling 10 times worse.

I got rudely woken up this morning by my doctor’s office. Because I have a UTI, they were calling to see if I improved. I was so mad because I was in such a sound sleep. I didn’t return the call but the nurse was persistent. She called me again. I told her I was fine. Still having spasms but they are less. Hope this course of antibiotics works. I see my PCP Friday so we’ll see. Thank god the leaking has stopped. I was getting worried there for awhile.

I also see my psychiatrist again on Friday. I don’t know why I need to see her again. It’s not like she can do anything for me. She just wants me to ride out this depression and I can’t stand it. I am very frustrated that there is nothing to do when I get like this. The suicidality has subsided a little bit but I still feel like there is a black cloud following me. I just feel so hopeless and why bother with treatment. It just sucks. I really hate feeling like a piece of shit all the time. I wish there was a medication that worked for me.

going against orders

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I’m not supposed to be writing this blog because of doctor’s orders, but I just read a blog that got me thinking about writing.

The blog I just read was about anxiety. She talked about how she had an anxiety attack while doing her civic duty. It was bad enough to get her excused from being a juror. She didn’t plan on having the attack, it just came on suddenly and she realized she needed help. She also took a break from her blog for a month to get herself together. I met this woman through twitter and she is normally a funny person. She does silly things and make me laugh. I have never suffered anxiety to the degree she has. I am mostly depressed. But hearing her suffering made me feel bad for those with anxiety. I know it is terrible. I am not saying I am an expert. I only had three anxiety attacks in my lifetime, the full hyperventilation and feeling like you are going to die feelings.

I wasn’t going to do much today but I did some stuff anyways. I got my prescription for my antibiotic and then went grocery shopping. That wore me out. I came home, ate, and then took a nap. I have been sleeping on and off most of the day. My friend called me about two hours ago. He called to tell me he got my book and started reading it. I think he felt deceived in that it is not a happy book. But then, I never said that it was a happy book. The title alone says that it has to do with my suicidal career with mental illness. It doesn’t say that I am bringing up rose gardens. My book is like my blog, raw and sensitive.

I got a few more twitter followers today. I am almost up to 140. I would say that is a good number for me. I didn’t realize that you couldn’t post the same tweet on twitter. So I have had to be creative in my posting about my book. And to do so with 140 characters is a challenge.