Category: depression

Painful shoulder and Spanish food

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

So my shoulder had kept me up all night again. I sleep for about 2 hours before pain wakes me up. Today was pay day so I paid my bills at 0400. There is just 2 I got to pay when my next check comes in. Then I will be set for the month. For dinner I ordered Mexican food. I haven’t had it in so long. I ordered 2 pupusas and only ate one. I saved the other one for later.

I’ve just been in bed all day. I can’t do anything as my arm hurts so bad. I tried putting heat on but that didn’t help. The report came in and I have a few tears. Whether or not that means surgery I don’t know because I don’t see the doc in three weeks. I sent it off to my PT so maybe she know what it will mean.

therapy and pain and shoulder and and

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

Therapy and pain and shoulder and and

So my third pair of glasses were delivered this morning around 0830. I have been up since 6 when I had to get up to pee. I didn’t want to go back to sleep because then I would feel shitty for the rest of the day. I didn’t want coffee just yet so just charged my phone and read Twitter. There were three packages when the mail was delivered, all for me. My cousin gave me THE OSU sweatshirt! It was the best present. He said it was from my godmother. I was close to tears but they wouldn’t fall. I thought we would discuss this in therapy but other stuff got discussed.

I wanted to go to the grocery store for coffee and half and half so I left. I took a bus there and then took a cab home as I knew I wouldn’t be able to carry the stuff home. My mother wanted eggs as she was making cookies so I got four dozen. I also completed the last of my Christmas shopping by picking up Ferraro candy for my niece.

I just chilled a bit when I came home from the grocery store. I still had to figure out a way to wrap my mother’s present, which didn’t come in a box like I thought it would. So I had one of my prescription boxes that was small enough and put it in there then put it in a larger box then put it in another box that I intended to wrap the gift in. I gave the box to my mother to wrap telling her not to open it.

I was in a lot of pain with my shoulder so I contemplated going to therapy. I asked the therapist and she said it was up to me. I knew if I didn’t show up, I wasn’t going to see her till the new year as she is on vacation next week. She said with patients like me she needs a month off, and I laughed because I knew she was right and not kidding. She told me I was messaging her too much and that I needed to journal more. She wants me to be more independent and less dependent on her. I have a problem with this. I’ve always depended on my therapist to be there and if she isn’t going to be there for me, wtf. She seems to think that she is only available during the 45 mins we are in session and no time in between. I have a problem with this. I have always been able to reach my therapists outside of session when I needed to. Granted the times I have been in touch with her are not urgent but still I like to convey things to her during the week. It is hard not to think about her when I am processing my recovery.

The thing that gets me is that this therapist never asks questions about me. Like she isn’t interested in me. I only have to speak my mind for the session to continue. My previous therapist of 16 years was all about me. She wanted to know what I was doing 24/7. We kept in touch even though we ended. It still hurts that we ended. I never processed her leaving me. And I never will with this therapist. She makes me feel like she is uninterested in me, just another slot in her calendar. Like I am unimportant. I know I should probably find someone else but it is so hard to find someone that is willing to take me on and that takes my insurance and is within T range.

I got a hold of the shoulder surgeon’s secretary today. I am scheduled for the arthrogram tomorrow. I am scared shitless. I looked up how it is done and I am feeling a little bit better about it but I know it is going to be painful as fuck. I plan on taking 2 mg of Ativan before the procedure and 2 BT meds afterwards. I just hope I can carry my water bottle. I also need to make sure I do have my water bottle because my uro wants another urine sample to make sure I don’t have an infection. I had planned on starting the vaginal estrogen tomorrow as I want to shower but it will have to be postponed. Seeing as I need to put this on twice a week and after I bathe, I think showering Tues and Thurs is a good idea and easy to remember. I just don’t know if it will mess up the test results so best not to put it on tomorrow.

I am fucking tired as fuck right now. I just took my night meds. I was late again in taking them. I like to take them between 7 and 730p because for some reason, that is when they work best and I am usually in bed by 10 the latest, if not before. I didn’t brush my teeth this morning so I am going to do so before bed when I empty my bladder before attempting to sleep.

sunday blog 19122021

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Sunday blog 19122021

Today has been an interesting day on Twitter. For interesting discussion, I polled to therapists what they would do if their client/patient was suicidal but had no intent. Right now, safety planning seems to be winning, which is the right thing to do. I am glad there has been discussion around no harm contracts and their bullshit because it focuses more on the therapist’s liability than the patient/client. There also was discussion about CAMS which I absolutely loved. One grad student was trying to tell my friend and I that CAMS was superior to DBT but he wasn’t listening about what to do after the assessment of the SSF. It was some good discussion. I loved it.

I had my appointment with uro and got some good answers. I don’t need to see my neurosurgeon again. She thinks the atonic bladder is due to meds so I will have to have another study done with Dr. Creepy sometime in March without the meds. I have to stop the meds for a week and then have the study done. I asked about vaginal estrogen and she gave me some to put on after I bathe so I don’t have the suppositories. Right now my insurance isn’t covering it or there is a glitch about it at the pharmacy because I am not paying $165 for it. She said that if I do have bladder contractions, which I currently do not, I might be a candidate for botox but I don’t want fucking botox treatment. Hopefully the new uro won’t either.

After my appointment, I went on Twitter and tagged a uro I am following who told me about vaginal estrogen helping the urethra and decreasing UTIs. So I told her I am on it now for urethral pain. This sparked discussion about it. It was amazing to see doctors responding to my tweet. I got a couple new follows out of it which I was glad because now I am at 1300 followers on Twitter before my birthday which is awesome.

I had my dinner. It was good and I am so full. I am getting tired and wondering if I should make some coffee. But it is close to taking my night meds so I probably won’t have coffee. I have been drinking water from my new water bottle. It is too heavy for my left arm to hold. It is made of sturdy glass and the weight of 32 oz makes it even heavier. So I have to use my right arm to hold it. My shoulder has been hurting me all day, though it is more the muscles in my arm that hurt more than my shoulder itself. I sent a message to the surgeon about it and whether the arthrogram will show what is wrong with my muscles. I also would like to know who will be doing the injecting. I don’t want an intern doing it. I also asked him to send a message to my PT for guidance about how to help me. I sent a message to my PT that she should hopefully receive a response from him.

The funny thing with my uro was that she totally thinks I am male and so she thought I had male genitals when I brought up the vaginal estrogen, I confused her. I do hope we stay in touch. She is a great doctor. and will be missed.