Category: depression

Morning Blog 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Morning Blog 2

I just woke up and had the itch to write. It’s thundering and lightening out so it is making it hard to go back to sleep. Just when I get nice and comfy, a big thunder rolls. Most unpleasant. If it is going to rain, I don’t think I will go out. This will be the fourth day that I have not left my room for more than a half hour at a time. I really would like to go out and get a caramel macchiato again. Hopefully this is just morning stuff and will end by the afternoon.

I reluctantly have therapy today. I wanted to cancel but she kept me in her book and by the time rolled around for me to actually send her a message I didn’t want to talk, it was too late. Damn 24 hour rule!! I might as well see if I could get out of Wednesday. I want to go to Starbucks early so I can have time to write without feeling pressured to hurry up and get the next bus home. I really want to make a cup of coffee at home but if I do, I know that I won’t go out for my java. I really don’t want to spend another day in the house. I am getting antsy.

Yesterday, while going through some old mail, I came across an old notepad. I brought it to my room so I could read it. It had a couple of suicide notes in it. I was surprised that I wrote a note to my psychiatrist. It was written in Nov of 2013. I must have really been in a rut because I don’t remember this time period. But then, given what I wrote in this notepad, it sounds pretty bad. I wrote and then like always, I don’t remember what I wrote. I get all the “bad” feelings out.

I just had breakfast, country style scrambled egg with cheese on toast. It’s the easiest thing I know how to make and it’s quick. I had extra cheese on it today because there was a slice left in the package and I didn’t want it to be alone. I love cheese. Only cheese I don’t like is Blue cheese. I like the blue cheese dressing but not the real blue cheese. I haven’t tried all cheese as my family isn’t that extravagant when it comes to cheese. I have had the opportunity to try goat cheese, Brie, and Gouda. I would buy them but I fear they would be moldy as I am not good at eating them every day and then when I do remember, a few weeks have gone by.

I am nervous about tonight’s ball game. They have a new rookie pitcher starting tonight against the Skankees. My fear is that he is going to be blown out of the water as he has trouble with walks. I will try and watch the game so I can see where the strike zone is. Different umps have different strike zones this year. Some have wide ones, tight ones, regular ones. It all depends on the umpire. But the thing is, they are consistent in their callings, usually, which annoys both batter and pitcher. I wish the young kid good luck. He is facing a tough line up and the Skanks always seem to score in the first inning. I hope that doesn’t happen tonight.

I don’t have a lot going on this week, as usual. Just therapy and dealing with my father with his meds. I also got to pick up my niece the same day I deal with my father. It’s going to be a long day. My pdoc is on vacation and I am glad because that means I don’t have to go into town.

Random 548

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide attempt

I think I am a little hypomanic. I only had three hours of sleep last night despite taking 600 mg of Neurontin to help me sleep. I am wired but tired at the same time. I just walked to the post office to drop off some letters that I wrote to my therapist and my hip and ankle are having a tug of war as to who is going to hurt me more. I am not happy.

I keep thinking today is a holiday and it’s not. I called my physiatrist’s office and found out he is on fucking vacation so I can’t talk to him about how the new NSAID is working out. It is working out. I am finding that there is less pressure on my ankle than it was before. It’s still swollen but I think in time, the NSAID will help ease it, as long as I remember to take it every day. I just got to make sure that I eat something or I can’t take it.

Been getting reports that the MBTA, our public transportation system, has been having major problems today and then there was an accident in Sully Sq that caused the ramp on the major highway to be closed while it got cleared up. It was closed for at least two hours so I am sure traffic is a bitch. I can only imagine the trouble on the highway and the mess in Sully Sq. I tweeted the mess and then a news reporter wanted me to send photos. I am not going to take pictures of people, without their consent, and then send it to a news station! Plus, I wasn’t there. HEHEHE. I think the reporter was like, “no pic or it didn’t happen” bullshit. I also am not going out till this afternoon because the bus I need to take to the Square is severely delayed, which probably means that there is no service to where I want to go. So I am staying home, again. I might go back out and get pizza when the place opens. I don’t know if my hip and ankle are going to want to do it again. I don’t know why, but it felt like someone was grabbing my hip as I was walking down the street. It was very uncomfortable. I always have problems with my hip. I know I should probably go back to PT to get it strengthened. I think the muscles are weak because of my stupid back problems. It has been hurting me for some time now, almost 9 months. But usually if I continue to walk, the pain goes away. This time it didn’t and I am still hurting. I was walking with my cane because I needed extra support with my ankle. I didn’t want to put added pressure on it.

I would really love Red Baron’s single deep dish pizza right now. But I can’t go to the grocery store. I am going to do a big shopping at the end of the month when I get paid. Because I bought my glasses, I couldn’t do food shopping this month. It’s the sacrifices you got to make when you are on a limited budget.
I bought cookies yesterday, which I should not have done. I am eating them instead of meals. I will have like 8 cookies and call it my dinner or lunch. I am wicked bad with cookies. They are my nemesis and I am the cookie monster.

I woke up from a nap about an hour ago and found that my glasses have been delivered. I was just expecting one pair of glasses but got three. As I was about to check out, the next screen asked if I wanted single vision and distance lenses. I thought I had to order them separately with the multifocal lenses so I ordered them, not realizing they are separate. So I got three glasses but no instructions as to which pair was which. I had to call them and tell them I wanted to cancel my order. They told me that I could get 100% refund (store credit) or 50% on my credit card. I opted to return the two pairs that I didn’t need and get the 100% store credit. This way when I need new glasses, I have a credit and it will be easier to afford my glasses as I won’t be getting the LTD payments anymore.

I was going through some old mail when I came across a notepad. I took it to my room and found that it had suicide notes for my nieces and nephew and my psychiatrist. It had other suicide related items in it as well. I forgot that I wrote these things and judging by the other writings, I must have been in serious pain when I wrote this. It was in Nov. 2013. I had just finished an article about suicide attempters and their “longevity”. Turns out, they don’t live as long because they attempt again and succeed. I blogged about this and I guess this was my saving grace because I am still here.

“Haylor”

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

“Haylor”

I have been trying to write for most of the day but I have been coming up empty. It all started while reading my blogs a few weeks ago and came across a blog entry about a psychotic episode. It happened the beginning of November 2012. I don’t remember it at all but I wrote about it, briefly. Like a few sentences each blog entry. I even tried to see if I wrote about it in my journal and came up with the same thing, nothing. Voldemort was my “best friend” and all conversation ended there. So I have been trying to fill in the blanks but I am not a bullshit artist. I wrote a few sentences more to make the paper 300 words. That was all that this episode amounted to. I really would love to expand this but I have nothing to go on. I even tried writing to my therapist about my difficulties hoping it would spark something and I would get something on paper, but alas, nothing. I just wrote the difficulty of writing and that was all. What I did learn through looking at my old journal was what set off the psychosis, which is interesting. I apparently misplaced my 8GB thumb drive and it was causing me considerable panic. In normal people, they would have a panic attack and that would be it. Not me. I became psychotic and apparently it took the form of Voldemort’s tweets to set me off. I wasn’t taking my anti-psychotic medicine at the time so I was more vulnerable. Losing this thumb drive was my life. Every suicide research article I ever read was on this drive as well as my papers on the subject. It would have been a huge loss and I was just sick with worry. But I did find the stupid thing. It was hidden under some papers and my “life” was saved. I made a few copies of it just so in case I misplaced it again, I would have it.

I did considerable research into trying to find out what the episode was about and if I wrote more about it. I still came up empty. Apparently Voldemort wrote a thing about Taylor Swift, calling her Haylor as she was dating a Harry at the time of the tweet. I have no idea what the last name of the Harry was. I am sure a Google search will probably yield it but I really don’t care. I tried looking back to his tweets from 2012 but they just went as far back as Jan 2013 and stopped there. I was so close to getting what I needed. He was active on his account but slowly tampered off. No wonder I was becoming so paranoid and thinking he was “tweeting me personally”. He would tweet several times a day. And now it’s every few days. Reading over the tweets weren’t triggering for me because I had no recollection of the psychotic episode. The only proof that I have of its existence is my blog and what little I wrote in my journal, which was only three sentences. For the days that I was psychotic, I didn’t write or blog. I probably was too incapacitated. If the psychosis had commanding voices/tones, I probably was too paranoid to put pen to paper for fear of being persecuted. And the last thing you want to do is piss off is a dark wizard. He might have been make believe to everyone, but for a few days, he was real to me.

The reason I was interested in finding the tweet about Taylor was because he “made me” listen to her songs after the tweet. It usually doesn’t take much for me to listen to Taylor because she is my favorite artist, but the thought that someone on Twitter made me listen was curious. Apparently he had tweeted something from her video “Story of Us”. The only thing I remember was Snape telling the students to turn to page 394, like it did in the Harry Potter book. Whether that was where “Haylor” came from (Harry + Taylor=Haylor), I am at a loss. I couldn’t find the tweet and I didn’t write more about it, which further piques my curiosity about this episode. I had written that my therapist was concerned about my losing reality so this was serious. Of course, any time I become psychotic my therapist panics. I have no idea if my pdoc was concerned because I didn’t write about that. I didn’t go into the hospital so I am guessing the medication helped and I didn’t need further assistance. I think finding the drive relieved some of the anxiety to help the medication work. And once it did, the delusions, paranoia, and voices were gone. He also was “talking to me”, though it was all mumbled according to what I wrote it. Usually voices are mumbled but I can “sense” what they mean.

The reason this is all fascinating to me is because I am such a Harry Potter fan. I have read each book at least three times and am currently read each on another time. I have seen all the movies, which were a little disappointment as they cut things from the book or added things that didn’t occur in the book. I also follow the Dark Lord on Twitter as well as Snape. Snape’s account is wicked funny. But for whatever reason, didn’t have the same psychotic hold on me as the Dark Lord’s. I think because Voldemort’s tweets were really commanding tweets than funny in nature. I am sure the tweets were meant in jest, but for whatever reason, I took them seriously, at the time. There was also a tweet saying to rob houses of Twilight freaks that saw the movie when it came out back then. I had written that I wanted to steal my sister’s sweets and Halloween candy as I knew she would be at the movie. That is probably funny now but it wasn’t then. In seriousness, I was in deep turmoil of acting on a tweet because I was “commanded” to. It was troubling me. I honestly have no clue why I wasn’t in the hospital. All the previous times that I ever had commanding voices, I was inpatient. I must have seriously have had the confidence of my psychiatrist that I wasn’t a harm to myself or others. But then, it was just a few short days and like I said, medication helped tremendously that I have no recollection of these events as they played out. I usually do remember my delusions because they last so long or I am really convinced things are happening as my mind is playing them out. Maybe because I didn’t land in the hospital I don’t remember these delusions and commanding voices/tweets. I wrote that Voldemort was “personally talking to me”, which I can only mean that his tweets were personal. But that is probably because I had his tweets sent to my mobile phone so it acted as a text message to me. In my delusional mind, it was meant for me, and me only.

Sunday Blog 5

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up around 7 and my ankle/foot was still hurting me. I hate mornings when I wake up in pain because I never know how the day is going to progress. I took a couple of pain meds and tried to relax a little bit for them to work. When they didn’t knock me out, I decided to make coffee. I am hungry but I don’t know what to make. I know I want eggs, I just don’t know how I want them made. So many choices, scrambled, fried, sunny side up. I just don’t know. The coffee is ebbing away my hunger so I still have an hour or so to decide what I want to eat. That is if the pain meds don’t make me sleepy by then. I know I had coffee but that doesn’t mean I won’t go back to sleep.

I was supposed to go to my cousin’s house today as he is have a party. He has a nice house with a big yard and a pool. But I am not in the mood to be social today. I am kind of grumpy because I am in pain. And I am not sure being around my family is a good idea when I am in pain. It will be an all day affair and I don’t think I can handle it. Besides, pain meds and swimming don’t mix too well.

The game is a day game, again. It’s pretty weird that both games are day games for the weekend. I like it because my team does better during the day than night games for some reason. We have won three games in a row, so far. The final score for yesterday’s game was 11-7. A rookie hit his second homerun of the game. I am happy for him. He also scored 5 runs. The last Red Sox player to do that was in 2008 by Dustin Pedroia. Dustin is on the disabled list right now with a hamstring issue. I miss him playing. He is one of my favorite players. My not so favorite player is pitching today, Wade Miley. Like all starting pitchers this season, we don’t know how he is going to pitch until he starts. There has been no consistency among them. Clay Buccholz was the only pitcher that pitched with consistency, but he is on the DL with an elbow issue. I love Clay. He might not be the top pitchers in the league but he works hard, even when he stinks. There is just something about him that I like. I don’t know what that is.

I have started the third Harry Potter book yesterday while the game was being played. I was bored with the laptop so decided to read. The book is “Prisoner of Azkaban”. The thing that stinks about re-reading the book, is that you know what is going to happen next so there is no mystery. But I still get excited about the parts that are exciting. While I was reading “Chamber of Secrets”, I noticed that during the good parts I was skipping words to see what came next, even though I already knew. JK Rowling is just that good of a writer. Better than I will ever be.

Tomorrow, my glasses that I ordered are supposed to be delivered. The last message I got was that they were still in San Francisco, that is a long way from Boston. I hope they are close to being in Boston now. It is being sent through First Class mail so I am hoping they do arrive tomorrow. It will be great to see without having to rest my eyes because the single vision only does so much. These are my multifocal lenses and I know I will be able to read better with them. A friend of mine was telling me about an eyeglass place in Boston that sells them for $95, frames and all. I wish I heard about this place before I placed my order. I could have saved $130. I just hope these glasses fit okay. I have never bought glasses online before. I don’t know what to do if the frames need to be adjusted. Hope I can go to an eyeglass place and get them adjusted for nothing, even though I didn’t buy them at the place. It was a tough decision to buy online vs in store. But the cost of the lenses is what really made me go online.

It’s a little bit cooler today than it has been all week. I don’t know if my mother will be going to my cousin’s shindig or not. I am leaning towards not. Last night she made a huge bowl of mac and cheese. She said she would have it tomorrow so I am guessing that meant she wasn’t going to my cousin’s. So it will just be her and I at home today, again. I might go to Walgreens to get some snacks. My mother bought Chips Ahoy and Lorne Doone cookies and now I am craving them. I am a huge cookie monster. I can’t eat just one, especially the Lorne Doone cookies. Shortbread cookies are my favorite, next to chocolate chip. I was going to get the Mrs. Fields cookies but all they had was white chocolate. I am not a white chocolate fan.

I hope to do some writing today, but I am not going to force it. I have some ideas that I want to play with. I just hope it doesn’t trigger me into a psychosis while I am writing. That has been the main reason why I have been afraid to write this story that is in my head. I am afraid that if I write it, I will be persecuted for it or be watched by the FBI. I am still paranoid, a little bit and think that bad things will happen if I write it. But keeping it inside my head is hurting me. The voices have been kicking up again and I know it is a matter of time before my delusions start up again. I think if I write it out, I won’t be so delusional and might take the pressure off of me, somewhat.