Category: depression

Struggles with Struggling

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Seeing as I have been lifted from my babysitting duties today, I plan on starting a new book series, Game of Thones. I have heard all the hype on TV and I know I am late to the party, but I want to join. I do better with books anyway. I like that they are more tangible and more imaginative in your mind than a TV show. And there’s no disappointment because you are the one making the stuff up as you read. I was going to go back to the Harry Potter books but every time I read “Deathly Hallows” I cry afterwards because it’s the last book in the series. I am buying the collection for Game of Thrones because it’s less than $30 for the first 5 books. I wish my Civil War book collection that I want was priced like that. I am a Civil War buff.

Therapy went well. We talked about my writing and about the “love/hate” blog I wrote. She thinks that I should keep everything that I wrote in the Darkness blog. It’s powerful stuff. So I will keep it. If anyone can read beyond the first two pages, good luck to them. My therapist wants a hard copy of this blog so I will send her the first manuscript that I printed off. So now I got to complete the rest of the editing. I don’t know when I will get this done. I am not planning on editing today because the Square is a mess. A building that has several bus routes going through it is falling down so they have closed off the area. No traffic through the area and that is just trouble. They have been trying to fix this building for months so I don’t understand why suddenly it is unstable. Doesn’t make any sense. It is possible the bad winter damaged it beyond repair, but that is just my speculation. I tried desperately to get out of my session on Thursday but it didn’t work, even though it will cause me more stress trying to get things done before I pick up my niece. I will have to just take the train and bus rather than just the bus to get to my father’s apartment.

I have a medical appointment tomorrow that I am not looking forward to. But it needs to happen and I hope that it is painless and not embarrassing. I am not getting my weight checked because I know I have gained a few pounds since my last appointment, especially since I overate this weekend. I didn’t have a chance to talk about this with my therapist. We were so focused on my damn writing and how I interpret it. I am going to get my haircut after the appointment. I just have to check to see if the same stylist is going to be there. She did a good job and I want it done the same way again.

I am still feeling like I am stuck in the gutter. I wrote to my psychiatrist exactly how I was feeling and I didn’t get a response. Maybe she has figured out when I am blowing off steam and when I really need to talk to her through what I say. I don’t know. I was blowing off steam and wasn’t giving specifics on when I was going to kill myself but pretty much that I have a plan and might be going through with it. I don’t know if I will be facing another hospitalization or not. I am going to fight it tooth and nail. It just doesn’t help. But then, nothing does so why bother?

Think I will go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription and get some Doritos. I don’t have chips often but lately, I have been craving that particular brand. Along with Ring Dings. I blame fricken baseball because they always advertise Drake cakes during the game. I know they are bad but everything in moderation, right?

It’s supposed to rain today but so far it hasn’t, least not in my area. It’s just wicked humid out. I need to go out for my daily exercise. I figure if I go out a little bit every day, maybe my mood won’t suck as much. I then can take a shower before going back to my room or something. I need to take a shower before tomorrow morning. I am not good at waking up early the last few days, because my damn sleep schedule has been fucked up again. I don’t know why. This morning it was because of pain. My toes were killing me at like 6 this morning. Not a fun way to wake up. I took my pain meds and then went back to sleep about an hour later. I was having a good sleep until my damn mother decided to call to see if she closed the windows on the porch. Then after I tell her I have an appointment at 1230, she calls me at 1240 to see where I am. WTF. Leave me the fuck alone, already!

Another Lazy Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Another lazy Monday

I woke up at an odd hour and couldn’t go back to sleep. I was up half the night, partly because I was in pain and partly because the nap gave me some energy. I didn’t do anything today except pick up my niece. I watched her for about an hour or so until my other niece came (her older sister) and I went upstairs to my room to sleep some more. I just cannot get out of sleep mode. Granted the heat isn’t helping, but man, all I want to do is sleep.

I didn’t eat too much today. I am still feeling bloated from the meal I had the other night. I finally figured out why. I am constipated. I realized sometime last week that I didn’t put in my senna in my pill box. I have been going but the last few days I have not, hence why I am bloated and my stomach is not feeling well.

My mood is still in the gutter. My therapist wants me to meet with her Thursday but I don’t think it is possible. I would have to see my father early, get home, then pick up my niece. With the way my energy levels have been, I doubt I could do all that. I rather just have one appointment this week anyways. I really don’t seem to get why we need to meet twice a week when it’s not really helping me at the moment. Plus, I am seeing my pdoc Friday so that should count towards something. I also emailed her about the difficulties I have been having. I might email her again with this tiredness that won’t go away. I am so sick of being tired all the time and I am not increasing or taking anything to make me sleepy so I don’t know what the hell is going on.

I haven’t heard from my father’s PCP’s nurse. I am going to call tomorrow and make a stink if they haven’t given him a month’s supply of his medication. We don’t see the doc until next week but he will be out come this Thursday. I hate when doctor’s think they are smart and really, they are stupid.

Because of my sleepiness, I haven’t written anything or edited anything. I haven’t even read my book. I just don’t feel like doing anything. There is no baseball game tonight as they are off. They are back in town, which is good. I hope they can keep their momentum up for winning.

I wish I could write what I was feeling. But I don’t want to be too triggering for people. I still want to end my life, though I think I probably won’t go through with it. I want to try it though, to see if it would work. Thing is, it is the week my therapist is on vacation. She has made it very clear that I should not do anything while she is away. I on the other hand, think it will be perfect timing because she won’t know and she will be away. I don’t know the hold she has over me that prevents me from going through with my ideas on ending my life. I guess there is a level of trust there and I don’t want to break it. Because if I say I am going to be there when she is back, I mean it. I don’t give my word and take it back like some people do. I am so torn though. I really want to end my life and don’t want to see the light of day anymore. The ideas I have about ending my life keep ruminating around my head. I see myself preparing and acting on what I am planning. But will I actually do it when the day comes around? That is the question. I will be very sad if I don’t go through with it. I always get really depressed when I plan a date with death and then don’t go through with it. It just makes me really sad.

Just Another Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Today is Father’s Day so to all the fathers reading this blog, Happy Father’s Day to you.

I didn’t celebrate with my father today. I was in too much pain and had an awful night sleeping. I woke up in the early morning and didn’t go back to sleep until around 5ish. I was done for the day and it just started. I haven’t even called my father to wish him a Happy Father’s Day, but oh well. I really don’t care.

My mood has been in the dumps. Being in pain is no fun. I am still full from yesterday’s meal and the little I did eat today, didn’t help my stomach. I feel nauseous at times and feel really bloated. My mood is so sour, like my stomach, that I feel like doing something to harm myself. I just want to sleep and I can’t. I have been having fleeting fantasies of what I would do but I just cannot act on it. I plan on taking my meds early tonight and hopefully go back to sleep, once I get some Ativan on board.

Pain is driving me crazy. Ankle and foot both hurt. I think walking in the sand while we were on the beach last night did something to my ankle, even though I didn’t feel anything unusual. I know that it is just that I have done too much in the last few days that caused a flare up. I feel like I have been popping pain pills all day but I really haven’t. I have just taken two since waking up around 1330. I just feel so tired because my sleep was interrupted.

I missed chat today. I was listening to the ball game and lost track of time. Usually, I am on Twitter while listening, but today I wasn’t. I really haven’t been on the laptop that much today. I just have been lying down, trying to get back to sleep and failing miserably. I still need to get back to my pdoc about how I am doing. She wrote to me yesterday about how much she liked one of my blogs. I still haven’t thanked her for it.

My former therapist that I sent my book to wrote to me a nice letter back. She was honored to get the signed book. She wishes that I wasn’t in so much pain all the time. She read my book and thinks its wonderful. I was extremely hesitant to open the letter. I was going to wait till I saw my therapist on Tuesday but then I realized that was being silly. She looks forward to my next book. I will have to send her out a card telling her it is out, when I do publish it. Now I have more people that want my second book. This is putting more pressure on me because I still am having trouble coming up with new stuff to write. And I still have to edit what I have. I am hoping that by editing it, I can add to it, not only change a word here or there or take one out. Oh the joys of editing!

It’s been a struggle to write something. My blog tends to be easier because I write off the top of my head and don’t stick with a topic or idea. I am usually all over the place but sometimes I stay on with what I am talking about. I am still thinking about writing the idea of the aliens and the militant group but I don’t know if I will get far with it. I don’t have much creativity. It’s slowly got lost over the years. I guess if I wrote bullshit, it would be easier to write, I think. But then I am not being honest and that is not good.

Random 532

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I just come home from a night out with friends. I turn on the baseball game and they lost the 4-1 lead. Starting pitcher allowed a few hits, balk, and then a homerun. Game is now being lead by KC. I am so fucking pissed. The Sox lost the game 7-4. Assholes.

I had a good time out with my friends. We saw my adopted nephew in a dance recital and then went out to dinner. I overate big time. I don’t think I am going to eat tomorrow. I am just a stuffed pig right now. And my stomach is hurting. I always seem to get a stomach ache after eating a very large meal. It just makes me very uncomfortable. I should know better.

I had emailed my “Love/Hate” blog to my psychiatrist. She really liked it. She said it was the best piece she has ever read about this issue. It made me feel good that she likes my writing. I wonder if my therapist is going to read both blogs I sent her. It’s funny, but I wanted her opinion on the 1st blog that I sent her on Darkness, not the “love/hate” one. Maybe the other one was stupid and that is why she didn’t comment on it. I haven’t received any comments on the “Darkness” blog since putting it out there. But then, I generally don’t get comments on my blogs.

I was reading a blog on my fellow blogger friend. She is having a hypomanic episode right now. She tried getting in touch with me earlier but I was too tired to talk. Between the meal and then the little walk on the beach afterwards, I was pretty exhausted. I was out of the house for a good eight hours, the longest I have been out in a long time. I didn’t enjoy the walking on the sand much but I did love the water. I love being by the water and watching the waves roll in. It kind of sucked because a truck was playing awful music full blast. It was interrupting the tranquility of the moment.

I feel sad now that I am back to being alone in my house. It’s past 0300 and my mother is asleep. I just woke up with a stomach ache and a bad dream. And now my foot is throbbing. Never fails. It won’t be hurting me when I wake up right away but soon as I am, bam! I am hurting. I took some meds so I am not hurting anymore and maybe get back to sleep. The dream was about working in an LGBT office. My boss was asking me why I hadn’t tucked my boobs in. And I pretty much said that I didn’t know how. She then said that we will go shopping so I can find something that works for me. Then I woke up. I never had a dream like that before. I have bought some things that would constrict my chest but they were always so small because I am a very large person. The last time I bought something, it was from China I think and even though it was extra large, It still didn’t fit half way across my body. Some people have suggested I wrap an ace bandage around myself. But how do you do that alone? Besides, as much as I hate my chest, I don’t like constriction. I have enough of that psychologically that I don’t want it physically.

I am feeling very sad and I don’t know why. It’s not the depression that I usually feel. I just feel really sad. It’s Father’s day and I won’t be going out with my family to “celebrate” it with him. I really need to rest my ankle as I have been doing too much the last few days. I guess I feel sad because I have a father rather than a dad. I can’t change that and it makes me sad. My father will never be what I want him to be and that is a loss. I have trouble dealing with it because I once had my father on a pedestal where he could do no wrong. I had believed in him and now I can’t believe a word he says. He is more of liar than anyone I know.

It also makes me sad that my pain interferes with my ability to go to functions and have a “life” with my family. Sure, I could ignore the pain but at what cost? I know this won’t bode well for me and I have a busy week ahead between picking up my niece and then having my appointments. I have an appointment with the NP for my pain management and also for my pap. I am not looking forward to either. I have gained weight so I really don’t want to see a doctor’s office. But I think if I limit my eating the next few days, I might be able to slim down. Having a stomach ache helps. Then I have to deal with a female exam. Everyone that I talk to says that it is important that I have it done. But I am a male. I shouldn’t have it done. I am nervous about it because I haven’t had one in 10 years or so. I am scared that I will leak. I will try and use the bathroom before the appointment but that is no guarantee that I still won’t leak. I once went to the bathroom before taking a shower and after the shower, I still leaked. It was awful because I then had to shower again. But this is home, not when I was out. I will warn her, just in case. I don’t think she knows that about me. I know my PCP knows, but who reads someone’s record these days?