Category: depression

Friday Musings

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness, mood disorders

Friday Musings

I had my appointment with my pdoc today. She was very concerned about me and asked if she should put me in the hospital. I told her no. She then asked if there is a way for her to know that I am safe so that she doesn’t get concerned about Hyde’s writing, like using a code word or something. I told her probably not because most of the time, I am dissociating so am not aware of what I am writing. I brought everything out in the open, the date I planned on dying, etc. I was expecting her to call security but she didn’t. She is keeping a closer eye on me.

Here is my favorite actor talking about mental illness and depression and how he got through it. It made me cry.

Today, history was made with the legalization of gay marriage in ALL 50 states. I didn’t think it was going to go through. I seriously had my doubts. But the ruling stands and there is nothing anyone can do about it. So if people want to burn themselves, divorce, whatever, do through with it and see if I care! I can legally marry someone in my state (I could anyway but it wasn’t legal/recognized in others). I should be happy but the depression is making me sad. I have been sad all day, even upon hearing the news. I am still suicidal but I can’t kill myself. I am wicked frustrated over this. I don’t know what gets me through these episodes.

I saw some Twitter friends tonight. We talked for a few hours about lots of things, but especially about suicide as that is where we all met, the SPSM (Suicide Prevention SoMe) chat. It was nice sitting and talking about things.

I am beyond exhausted between leaving the house this morning to see my pdoc and then coming home, having lunch, then going back out again to meet up with my friends. Tomorrow I might be hurting big time but it was worth it.

Hyde Musings

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

I was literally up all night. I went to pee around 0130 and that was it for me. I was up. I tried to go back to sleep but failed miserably. I didn’t go back to sleep till around 5ish. I am totally exhausted. Last thing that I wanted to do was have therapy but I really needed a session. My days are so messed up I was thinking tomorrow was Saturday. It’s not and I need to see my pdoc.

We talked about Hyde and how to deal with him. She wishes we were meeting in person so we could try and engage him more. Very doubtful as he only comes out at night. Very rarely or never have I “dissociated” during the day with him. It’s always at night, after 2100. I don’t know why he is coming out more. I told her about the email I sent to my pdoc that caused her to call me. I also told her that I am planning on killing myself during her vacation. She said I had to put it off. I don’t think it is going to be that easy. I told her to pick a date and she did. Oct 30th. She thinks that is my new date, but I don’t really know if it is or not. Only time will tell. We talked about the hospital but I am against it for many reasons. Yes it will keep me safe but I am not in danger. I am in more danger right now because I am vulnerable and I am wicked tired. Throw in some suicidal thoughts, and I am in. I told her my thoughts don’t mean actions. She suggested that I create a “Hyde” notebook to write in when I am in that bad agitated space. But Hyde doesn’t want to stay hidden. He writes with a purpose and to someone in particular. I guess you can say he is crying for attention, but the bad kind, or rather the severe kind. The kind that could get me sectioned. I see my pdoc tomorrow and I am going to try to stay out of the hospital. I know that if I don’t stop emailing my pdoc these horribly suicidally, depressing emails, I am going to end up there. It has happened before. That was why I created this blog, to write freely my suicidal thoughts so I don’t “bother” or burden my treaters with these thoughts. But lately, this blog just hasn’t been working the way that I was hoping. Maybe I should just be writing more blogs instead of letters/emails. I don’t know. My therapist knows that Hyde cannot be ignored. I wish I could say that he is harmless but the stuff that he writes makes me believe it. I am usually horrified the next morning. I just can’t believe something so dark comes from me.

I am going to give the notebook thing a try. There is no guarantee that it will work. It would be easier to just write a word doc and call it “Hyde musings” or something. This way I don’t have to a) read my handwriting and b) type up what I wrote for my therapist to analyze. Something needs to happen. If I dissociate while writing, god knows what I will do. Half the time, I am not even aware of what I am writing. Soon as it is written, it’s out of my memory banks. That is why I wrote the blog with my pdoc’s email. Maybe my pdoc has some ideas of what to do, but I know that medication is not the answer and neither is the hospital.

Times Have Changed But My Suicidality Has Not

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicidality

I woke up because of having to pee and now I can’t go back to sleep. My room was freezing so I turned off the AC but then I realized, if I went back to sleep, I would wake up hot. So I have the AC on energy saver and hope the turning off and on doesn’t disrupt my sleep too much.

I am kind of in a dark mood. I just bought three journals because I needed them. The ones that I have are half way filled and I know by the end of the year, I will need a new one. I like the ones I bought. I am glad Barnes and Noble has such large journals. I do a lot of writing, in case you haven’t noticed.

I read one of my journal blogs that I wrote back in 2014. It was an entry that said that I cut myself and I went on about how scared I was that my therapist was going to flip out. I also didn’t want my psychiatrist to know because I knew it would cause her concern. The weird thing is, I don’t remember the incident at all. I had cut because of my TG issues. Now I am just suicidal. I have been struggling with this for months and I can’t seem to walk away from it. Like I wrote to my psychiatrist, I think there is a chance that I will go through with ending my life in a couple of weeks. I want to try it anyways, even though I know I am not going to like doing it. Suffocating oneself is difficult to do. But it’s the only means I have available to me. Worst thing that can happen is that I will be found before I am dead. That is my fear. And if that happens, I could have brain damage from lack of oxygen. That fear of being brain damage really wants me to stay away from this method. But it’s not like you can just buy arsenic pills on the internet like you used to. Maybe you can. Google hasn’t been much help in this arena. Even buying hemlock juice has been tricky. So I have come to the simpler methods that I have on hand.

I want my pain to end, permanently. Funny how I am writing about buying journals to write with and yet I want to take my life. How will those journals be useful to me? Most likely they will just be donated or given to my niece after I am gone. I am not sure what will happen with my things. Trash most likely. I haven’t written a will. I still have time, though I am not looking forward to it.

Since writing to my psychiatrist, I am afraid to write to her anymore. I don’t want to get a phone call after an email because she is concerned about my safety. Literally, she sent the email and within ten minutes she called me, after I sent the email the night before. I am so tired of worrying her and my therapist. Both want me to live. A lot of people I know want me to live, but how can I do that when I want to die so badly? I have been following the zero suicide academy postings on Twitter the past 24 hours. Jobes was there giving a talk about evidence based treatment. DBT, CBT, CAMS, and non demand follow up were among those shown to help decrease suicide. It got me thinking that maybe I should try to see another therapist to help with my suicidal feelings. Only problem is, money. I no longer have the money for copayments and I am on Medicare which only covers 80% of the visit. I would be responsible for the 20%. I wrote to my consultant last night. I gave him a blog reading of the “Love/Hate” that I wrote. I know that he would be interested in reading it. He was always curious about the relationship factor between my therapist and I. Now he will know in greater detail.

I follow suicide prevention because I am hoping it provides me with something to help my own suicidality. I don’t feel hopelessness. I think my depression would be 10 times worse if I were hopeless. I just feel so down that I just want it to end. I really think that if I try and see someone new, maybe they will provide me with some insight that I am missing. But ultimately, the choice is mine. No one can stop me, though they can try. I don’t think going in the hospital would be in my best interest. All they do is babysit you for 24 hours every day and drug you up. No real treatment exists in the hospital anymore. It’s not like it was back in the old days, where treatment and care were more important than containment and safety. I literally had to beg to be kept in house because I told them I was going to kill myself when I got out. Their response, “You are putting us in a difficult position”. I kid you not! And this was at a world class hospital! I won’t go there again. I won’t be subjected to non-treatment. Besides, the only ones that really cared were the nursing staff members. They took the time to get to know you and try and help you deal with shit. More so than your “treatment team”. It has been almost 11 months since my last admission. I like to say I am doing well staying out, but am I? They call you “stable” if you are able to stay out of the hospital for at least a year. How stable can you be if you think about ending your life every day? I just am not impulsive to act on my feelings every time I have them. Some people have not learned that self-control. I learned the hard way. I learned to keep my feelings to myself or I would have ended up in a state ward. This was twenty years ago. And times have changed.

Random 444

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had to resort to wearing my old bifocals because I was too lazy to go down the stairs and get my single lenses at the 1st floor. I am wicked hot and exhausted after I picked up my niece. I need to cool down some before I do anymore stairs. And besides, my ankle is not happy with me right now. I have been out of the house since a little past 8 in the morning because I wanted to get my haircut before my doctor’s appointment. I didn’t get the same stylist so I got a much different cut. I still like it but not as much as my last cut. This cut just looks like I have a whiffle.

I meant to call my father today so he could pick up his prescription but it got to be too late. I will just pick it up for him tomorrow when I see him. His asshole PCP’s RN never called me. I had to call the pharmacy to see if they called it in. I have only been waiting three days for a phone call that never came. Jerks.

Last night, I had a rough bit. I am only going on about 4 hours of sleep. I am so tired. I might have a nap now that I don’t have to do anything. Except go down the stairs and get my glasses. I can’t believe I left them down there. I have been texting my therapist my mood status updates. I told her to call me if she has a chance. I don’t think it is likely. We are talking tomorrow but I really want to talk to her today, if possible. I don’t know what she can do but at least it might calm me down some. My thoughts are all over the place. One minute I want to take my life, the next I don’t. It is getting tiring fighting these feeling all of a sudden.

I also been getting pissed at seeing an article on pain saying “instead of reaching for a pill, play your playlist”. Apparently there was a study, among children who required major surgery and they offered music as an alternative to pain medication. The results were positive. But these were children, not adults. I certainly will not benefit from listening to music rather than taking a pain pill. And if anyone suggests that to me, I am going to tell them to go fuck themselves. I have tried coping with the pain without pills and it gets me no where but stuck. I then have to take more medication to get it down to a tolerable level for me. And I do this while playing music. I don’t listen to with it with headphones. I am alone in my room and so I am not going to bother anybody. Besides I need to also listen to my mother in case she falls or something so headphones are out. I do notice that I am a lot more calmer when I am listening to music than if I am not. It doesn’t take all the anxiety away but just enough so it is tolerable.

I took a shower last night so I didn’t have to today but looks like I am going to because I am all sweaty from the fucking heat. Yes, I am complaining about the heat, shoot me dead. I don’t fucking care. I never complained about it being cold, except for when my room was forming icicles and I couldn’t get warm with added clothing AND being under two blankets.

I am going to get my new glasses done Friday. I would do it tomorrow but I have too much stuff to do. Just running around with my father and then picking up my niece is going to be enough. I just hope my ankle holds out. I bought my father his Father’s day present today. Hopefully, I remember to bring it tomorrow. As long as I am not rushed, I should be ok. I plan on going another way to my father’s so it should be ok. I am glad there are multiple ways of getting to my father’s house because taking one bus all the time can be boring and time delaying, like it was last week. I just barely made it home for my therapist to call me. I was half way home when she called. I don’t want a repeat of that again.

I want to get an estimate on how much these glasses are going to cost me. I will just be paying for the lenses, not the frames as I already have those. I just hope they are able to do the work or I will have to find another place. I am not paying for another set of frames when I have a perfectly good one that is less than a year old.