Category: mood disorders

Black Dog II

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Black Dog II

I am surrounded by black clouds again despite it being a sunny day out today. I just want to sleep. For the first time in months, I woke up hungry. I thought the worst part of the depression was over but it isn’t. I feel sick to my stomach after I ate. Now all I want to do is go back under the covers and sleep. I think I will. I have nothing to do today.

My heart is heavy. I feel like I can’t go on. Sadly, this familiar feelings are welcome. The physical symptoms of depression has passed but the mental ones have just begun. I will be in agony soon. I want to avoid it. But I know I can’t. I want a coffee but it’s too much trouble to shower, get dressed and go. The bus runs every hour or so because today is Saturday.

I took my morning meds. That’s the only energy I have for today. I really need a shower. But I am much to tired to do what I need to to get it done. Maybe the afternoon would be better. I need sleep now. I am so tired. So very, very tired.

My thoughts are slow today. Everything is in slow motion. I can’t seem to get going even if a fire was lit under me. It’s colder today than it has been all week. I feel like ice is running through my veins. I am so cold.

Last night I had some energy for the paper that has been swirling around my head. I look at the papers in my “office” and I am overwhelmed. Whatever I was thinking about this paper is long gone. I no longer have the thoughts to put down. And I didn’t take any notes to help me remember what I was thinking of writing.

My back is still in the ruts. Must be the change in temperature. My back can’t handle going from 70 degrees to 30. It’s too much. It’s warming up now. It’s 46 degrees at this current time. Supposed to get up to 60. I won’t be out to enjoy it. I will be staying under the covers hiding from the black dog until it leaves me. I wonder if the black clouds and the black dog are the same thing? Either way I feel so empty inside it hurts. I feel like I have no internal organs at all. It’s just a vast space inside.

Looks like today is going to be another day for sleeping. I can’t do anything. I don’t want to do anything or anything that involves getting dressed. I just want to sleep and not wake up.

feeling like shit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling like shit

I have been yucky all day. I had wanted to run an errand for my mother but it never happened. I will try again tomorrow. I came home from my father’s. He didn’t want to go to the ER because he thinks he will stay there all weekend. So we left. As I was walking down my hallway to the stairs to my bedroom, I got another attack of dizzy spells. I barely made it up the stairs. Now I am getting a migraine. I am seeing the doc next week and I hope that this can be resolved. I ate while I was at my father’s so this isn’t a blood sugar issue, unless my sugar is too high, which is doubtful.

I didn’t get up till 1500 today. I think this is the first time that I slept so late. It was a broken sleep as I was awakened by phone calls. My mother called me twice to see where I was. My sister called to let me know about my father. Then my other sister called for something else. And of course, my father called wanted to know what to do about his condition. He still thinks he is having surgery on Monday.

Physically, I feel so drained. Migraine isn’t helping. I only took two doses of pills today (at different times) and I feel like I took more. I don’t know why I feel so out of it. I also feel weak. The dizziness isn’t helping either. I am glad I didn’t go to the ER. I might have had a bed next to my father. Man that would have pissed him off. The attention would be on me instead of him and he would have had his underwear in a twist.

Mentally, I feel like I should be dead. I have a heaviness on my chest that is making it hard to breathe. I just don’t feel like living anymore. Everything is so dark and gray. I just want to sleep. I have no interest in anything except keeping this blog going. It’s been so hard to write lately. My sister brought up the gun incident today and I nearly had a heart attack. Apparently, my aunt thinks my father would have shot my mother had my cousin not been there. Where she got this information, I have no fucking idea. Now I am having flashbacks/intrusive memories of that night. This has been a hard week for remembering this shit. Some years are better than others. I don’t know why it’s affecting me more this year than any other year. I just know I rather die than relive those awful memories.

I have an ugly soul

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

“you have an ugly soul”. This was said to me after I told a former friend of mine that she needed professional help for her depression and suicidal tendencies. I am no longer friends with such a vindictive person like I knew she would turn out to be. There are always two sides of the story. I won’t tell her side because it’s not my right to. But let me tell you how I got to be such an “ugly soul”. I cared about this person and this person cared back. I think she was falling in love with me and to prevent a messy relationship, I ended it. She wanted help, my help, but refused to get professional help. I don’t have time for people like that. It’s too taxing to be in that kind of relationship. Now she is calling me narcissistic and a bunch of other names I won’t get into but because she is a religious person, she “wants the best for me”. Go hide under your religion. You aren’t fooling me.

I then spent the rest of my morning with a real narcissistic piece of work, my father. The appointment went exactly the way I thought it would go and two weeks later we need to return for follow up. After the appointment, I went to his house to do his meds and had lunch with him. The only way this guy eats is if you eat with him. So I had some Tuna with a lot of oil and some onions on bread. I liked the tuna, could do less with the oil.

My mother called on the way back to his house. She wanted me to run an errand for her while I was out. My ankle said hell no so I just came home. It’s a good thing I did because shortly after I got undressed, my bowels decided to explode again. I made it to the toilet so no accident but man it was close. I shouldn’t have taken senna last night but I forgot.

I barely got a few hours of sleep last night. Some troll sent me an offensive paper about suicide risk assessments are not needed and it angered me so much I couldn’t sleep. The reason I call him a troll is that after he sent his tweet, he never responded to ANY damn message afterwards. Bastard. So much for an intellectual conversation at 0200.

So my “ugly soul” did a lot today. I am hurting really bad with my ankle. It wants a divorce. Mentally, I am divorcing my psychiatrist. I am not going to email her today, at all. I wrote her out a letter last night and thought about sending it to her but thought she might get upset by it. I did text my therapist to call my psychiatrist and let her know I am in dire straights. The only thing I had to eat today was the tuna fish sandwich my father made and I don’t think I will be having anything else. I am so damn full it’s not funny. Plus the oil is making feel ill.

fridge fiasco averted

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fridge fiasco averted

My mother ordered another fridge and again the movers found excuses not to bring it up. My mother cried so they brought it up the back way. We finally have a new fridge and it is working.

I haven’t had much appetite today. I forced myself to eat ¾ of a Stouffer’s French bread pizza. I couldn’t finish it. My mother had a hypoglycemic reaction so I had to lug all of the freezer and fridge stuff into the new fridge. I am exhausted. I was already exhausted from the depression and having crapped my pants when I woke up this afternoon. I had to delay therapy so I could get cleaned up. I was so embarrassed and humiliated. I haven’t had a crap episode in a really long time. Just last week I was priding myself on making it to the bathroom on time with loose stool. Didn’t happen today with hard stool. I hate CES.

Therapist wanted to just talk about anger today. I was too depressed to talk about it. At one point I just let her talk and let her know it. I wasn’t listening to the bullshit. It’s the “I’m depressed because the anger I have for others is turned on me”. That is what I heard anyways. I was like is this my therapist?? There was more but I don’t remember it and I didn’t write it down after session because I was too fucking tired. She offered to call my psychiatrist to see up an appointment. I told her I am too frustrated to continue with the emails and such. She told me to put that in the email. I told her I couldn’t do it. I don’t want to piss her off. Besides, I have my blog to vent to about the aggravation. And occasionally, I will send it to my psychiatrist.

I’m supposed to babysit for an hour or so. I just want to go back to bed and lie down. Today is just a crap of a day. My mother had the audacity to tell me I haven’t done anything today so I can work. That really pissed me off and I said something to her. She didn’t respond. Probably because she didn’t hear me but still I said it.

I talked with my father. He has a 0900 appointment that he thinks is at 10. So what ever. He still isn’t talking to me. I could care less. I will then go over his house and fix his pills for the week. Might as well kill two birds with one stone.

I still feel kind of dizzy today, but that could be because I haven’t eaten much. I also haven’t had too many fluids. I just am in an I don’t care mood today. Even though I had pizza my stomach is hurting. But I have no desire for food. I need to take a shower today but don’t feel like it. I probably will before bed, if I have the energy. All the moving of the food back and forth to the fridge aggravated my foot so will have to see how it is later.