Category: mood disorders

Random 812

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I intended to write another blog last night but sleep overcame me and I didn’t write. I woke up around midnight with my nose clogged up. I couldn’t breath. I tried every method I could think of to open the clogged nostril to no avail. Then I got tired and went back to sleep.

Sleep didn’t last long. A couple of hours at best. And now I am up, least until I decide if I am going to make breakfast or go back to slumber. My back is hurting, probably because of the temp fluctuations. It has gone from zero degrees to fifty-five to back down to thirty-three. My back doesn’t like this. It’s hard to stand up and move. I hurt so bad

Last night, my father was taken to the ER. He was complaining of being short of breath. I don’t know what the outcome of the visit was other than his INR was 7.4. Now I got to call his doctor’s office and see what they want to do. Fuck. It was 1.3 last week. Balancing his INR levels are so damn tricky. He hasn’t been stable with them in quite a while. It’s driving me crazy. I found out from my sister that they admitted him. My sister wanted to know if I wanted to visit him but it’s too close to my appointment time with my therapist so I said no. Plus, the stupid drop in temp by 20 degrees has me stiffer than an ironing board. I can’t move without pain. Back is all tight. So it doesn’t look like I will be going out again today.

I am starting to feel cooped up. I hope the pain meds eases up my back as well as the Ativan. I really want to get started on my research. I didn’t want to do it at the house, but it doesn’t look like I am having a choice. Or maybe I should just give up my research.

I feel like drinking gin. Maybe when I have my big blow out, I will have some. If I didn’t take my meds, I probably would have a shot. I don’t care that it’s before noon. Maybe it will help sleeping for a while, too. It probably isn’t going to help my back but maybe it will hurt a little less.

I haven’t heard back from the PT people. I am tired of calling people and then they don’t call back. I think I am going to have to fax my prescription to the office and then maybe they will call me. Trouble is I don’t have a fax machine. I would have to call my neurosurgeon’s office and have them do it. I really don’t want to go to another PT session but I think it will help. If I can just learn the exercises to get rid of my hip pain and my thigh pain, I will be alright!

Just Write

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Just Write

Those were the last words my therapist told me before ending our session. No direction or clue what I am to write about, “just write”. I hate when she does this, like it’s a magical cure or something. I wish it was.

She read my blog about our last session. She wasn’t too pleased with it but she was happy I wrote it. It gave her some insight. I wasn’t in the mood to talk about it. We had spent nearly two sessions on Hyde and I really didn’t want a third. We did talk about my suicidality a bit. I didn’t give details. She kept asking for them and I deferred. She doesn’t need to know what my plan is. It’s not going to kill me anyway, and I keep thinking, magically, that it will. I just want oblivion and hopefully it will happen.

I woke up exhausted. Dealing with pain all weekend just totally wiped me out. It was a much warmer day today (55 degrees) and it killed me to stay inside but I too tired to get dressed. Too tired to do anything that would make going out happen. I was really cold after my session. I needed a nap. So I tried to take one and I couldn’t fall asleep. I called my father’s doctor to set up an appointment with him. The secretary called back with a number I didn’t recognize so I let it go to voicemail. I had to call again. Drives me nuts.

I didn’t tell my therapist about my financial stress that I am under. I meant to, but I just couldn’t. I feel like a failure because of this stress. I haven’t even talked to my sister about it. The shame it’s bringing me is great, almost to suicidal proportions. I just cannot fathom how I am going to pay this money when I get only three thousand dollars more a year than what I owe. And it’s seriously going to take some budgeting to save at least half what I owe. I don’t know if I can do it on my income.

Because I didn’t go out today, I didn’t start my research. I might have to start on Thursday. Tomorrow I got to deal with my father and his meds. I have to go in the afternoon and he isn’t going to like it but oh well. It’s the only time I can come by as I have therapy around noon.

Oblivion

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Oblivion

“What I had began to discover is that, mysteriously and in ways that are totally remote from normal experience, the gray drizzle of horror induced by depression takes on the quality of physical pain. But it is not an immediately identifiable pain, like that of a broke limb. It maybe more accurate to say that despair, owing to some evil trick played upon the sick brain by inhibiting psyche, comes to resemble the diabolical discomfort of being imprisoned in a fiercely overheated room. And because no breeze stirs this cauldron, because there is no escape from this smothering confinement, it is entirely natural that the victim begins to think ceaselessly of oblivion”. William Styron, taken from Nights Fall Fast, p106

In my last blog, a blog reader was concerned about my last three sentences. This is the best description I could come up with to describe what I am feeling.

Today I read Harry Potter while my sister had my laptop. I did a lot of reading while I wasn’t in possession of my computer. It was the first time that I didn’t dissociate while I did so. I feel better about reading the Harry Potter book now.

I don’t know why before 1900, I become so sleepy. But I know that if I take a nap, I usually end up staying up half the night because I can’t go back to sleep. So I stay up and usually before 2100, I take my night meds, which then wake me up and keep me up. I also usually take my pain meds to help with sleep but tonight I am not having that luxury. I got things on my mind. One of which is the song “Girl Crush”.

I don’t listen to country music radio that often anymore because I am home and not in a car. I do have a radio, but I like listening to my MP3 songs and to albums rather than individual songs. I didn’t know they pulled “Girl Crush” off the radio because of some close-minded people thinking a song about jealousy is a lesbian song because of the line “I want to kiss her lips”. It’s ridiculous. I am also pissed off because my phone is homophobic. While I was typing “lesbian” autocorrect thought I meant “lessons”. I read what I write 95% of the time to correct these stupid mistakes. I don’t know what to do about making my phone a little more open minded. It rejects the pride flag during updates. I haven’t figured out why it does this. But it’s a bitch to fix. Now I have a black background because it is nice against white writing. The phone seems fine with this and hasn’t changed it to its default background, yet.

I guess Australia is having a suicide prevention convention as I have seen some stuff that is interesting. They showed their safety planning which I have attached to this blog. It’s a good form and I encourage anyone who is suicidal to bring it to their therapists to use for their safety. If your therapist is not open to this and just uses a “promise” for contracts, they are in the wrong. Or a “no-harm” contract. If you end up killing yourself, these contracts won’t hold up in court but the safety planning paper might. It’s a better document, in my opinion. The first is a pic of what it looks like the second is the PDF for easier printing.

I had to stop listening to all my music because I was skipping more songs than listening. So I put on a playlist. I need Eric Church so I might be playing his album before bed. I am going to do some more reading on “Night falls Fast”.

safetyplanning.jpg

SAFETY_PLAN_form_8.21.12

The Oblivion I Need

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My laptop was used by my sister most of the afternoon so I wasn’t able to write at my regular time. I thought my mother was going to make chicken cutlets for supper and she made a fried rice dish, using all MY rice because she didn’t have hers. The dish was awful because she put garlic in with the rest of the soy sauce, onions, and peppers. It was salty because she used my garden vegetable rice rather than my Jasmine. I am not upset about the rice. I am just mad because I was looking forward to cutlets and didn’t get any.

The heat must be on 90 degrees to heat the house in this cold snap we are having. It’s 75 degrees in my room, much too warm for me so I have the ceiling fan going. It’s helping with air circulation and I am not as congested as I was. Soon as I feel cold, I will shut it off.

While my laptop was being used, I read some more of Harry Potter. I didn’t dissociate this time, which is good. I also read some more of “Night Falls Fast” and highlighted some more text. When I am done reading the book, I plan on writing out the highlighted parts in a notebook so I can possibly use them for quotes. I miss writing quotes on my blog.

I wasn’t feeling good this morning. I had woken up around 0630 in pain. I went to the bathroom and then took some pain meds. I slept for most of the day. The good news is the Neurontin I took last night took away some of the pain I was feeling in my left ankle/foot. The bad news was the pain I felt this morning was in my right leg. I think I might have done something to the calf muscle because when I was massaging it, I could feel knots in the muscle. I know it’s probably from overuse as it is my main support while walking.

I need to take a shower. I plan on taking it before bed. I got some frosting on my shirt when I was eating cake earlier today. I figure I need to change clothes anyways when I shower so might as well. I don’t want to but now I need to.

In the book, “Night Falls Fast”, Jamison described how feeling despair and hopeless can lead to a suicide and also that there might be a life changing event before it happens (divorce, job loss/unemployment, break up of a relationship, etc.) I thought about these things with my own thoughts of death, and none of that is true. Though when I lost work, I ended up back in the hospital. The social worker I was working with went over the risk factors for suicide and I had them all. I was unemployed, in financial crisis, and had no friends anymore. My discharge had already been set and I thought all these factors would hold me to more time in the hospital. Any caring person would have held me further, but nope, it didn’t happen. I was set free.

I have my plan in place. I have a date. I will seek the oblivion I need.