Category: mood disorders

Pain and its Awareness

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, mood disorders, suicide

Pain and its Awareness

Pain in my ankle just hit a new level. I have been resting the last couple of hours in my bed. Just listening to music, reading Twitter and Facebook. Not really doing anything. And then I move my ankle just a little bit to get a little more comfy on the bed, and WHAM! I get hit with pain. And for some reason, I am wondering why it seems I can always feel my left ankle but my right, never a peep. I don’t even know it’s there most days. I know it’s attached and all, but I don’t feel it like I do my left. My left is constantly hurting and I am more aware of it than any other body part. I just find it a little lopsided. I try not to favor my limbs, but with this level of pain, it’s hard not to.

I am glad only one body part is affected. I can try to be more aware of my good ankle and notice that it is not bothering me. I wish my left would get the fucking hint and be like the right. But the left has been injured more than the right has. Suffering from a sprained ankle when you have foot drop is not a good thing. I have never recovered from it. See, before I went to the big hospital in Boston, I went to a smaller one outside of Boston because it was closer. I thought it was a good hospital. I couldn’t have been more wrong. So after basically doping me up and sending me on my way with no treatment or precautions if things got worse, I was wheeled to my friend’s car. It had started snowing and I couldn’t stand on my left side without pain. I fell and my ankle rolled. I should have known something was seriously wrong because I went one way and my ankle went the other. I didn’t feel a damn thing. I should have been smarting more than my back and leg pain. But nope. Not a thing. It wasn’t until two weeks later when I got feeling back in my leg after surgery that the sprain pain began. I was relearning to walk and my ankle hurt like a bastard. In the fall, I also sustained a nice bruise on the side that I fell on. I didn’t feel that either because I was numb. I thought it was the result of surgery as I had bruises everywhere.

Because I had foot drop and they were rushing me to get me on my feet, the sprain never healed correctly. This is all in hindsight. I didn’t know that the sprain would haunt me 12 years later and give me a pain syndrome. Course it didn’t help that I re-sprained it a year before the syndrome decided to take hold of my ankle. I remember thinking, during the day, that I was in a lot of pain. I almost always have my pain at night. It almost never happens during the day, but syndromes don’t care what time of day it is. It’s going to hurt you whether you are awake or in a deep sleep.

Once I noticed that this pain was different or possibly the start of something worse going on with my back, I got checked out. I must have seen 15 different doctors of different specialties and no one could figure out what was wrong with my ankle. They still don’t. Three have told me that I have CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. They were two physiatrists and my neurologist. But did my PCP believe them? No. He just kept sending me off to new doctors to see what was going on, to get me better. I don’t think I am ever going to be better. I don’t think I can recover from this much damage. And that is ok as long as I get my pain meds or the PCP is going to sign my death certificate. I don’t abuse my meds nor will I try to end my life on them. I am too fearful of the Tylenol content to wreck my liver before killing me to try and go that way. Besides, who needs pills when I have a rope?

Sunday Blog 9

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 9

It’s Valentine’s day. It is also my sister’s wedding anniversary. I am babysitting while they go out to eat. My niece will do her thing and I will do mine. I usually end up making her something to eat. She is pre-teen so is growing like a weed. I swear she is inches taller than the last time I see her, and I see her at least every other day.

I am in a do nothing mood. Ankle is still bothering me, of course. I think it’s because of the minus 0 degree temps we are having. I don’t recall my ankle being this sore when I stand or go down stairs before during the winter. The temps are supposed to stay like this for a while. I am glad I don’t have to go out until Wednesday. I might go out Tuesday, if my ankle is feeling better. I really want to start my research for the book that I am writing. I just hope the book that I am using for it has what I need.

I hope I don’t get sleepy. My babysitting wasn’t planned and I took some pain meds before I came down to my sister’s. I had intended to just play on my laptop or read until I felt the need to nap. Now I need to be some what awake. I am still on a coffee buzz so maybe I won’t feel drowsy.

I am glad the cold temps are happening on the weekend and not during the work week. There have been major disruptions on all lines of the public transportation system. What pisses me off is that they had done major “winterization” of the track work and today that line broke. Now they want to hike the fares. I really want to know where my fare money is going into. I don’t think I will ever know but I do know that $10 million dollars of the budget got cut when the new governor got elected. Figures the budget gets cut and then they hike fares. It’s not fair to commuters like me when we see improvements, like new buses and computerized boards that announce when trains and buses will arrive/depart. Where did they get this money to implement these things if there was no money in the budget? I know there is mismanagement. It just isn’t publicized because there would be major outrage. I also know that operation wise, the money is not there where it should be.

I read three chapters today of the new book that I got for free. I thought it was a Scudder series book but it’s not. It’s about this alcoholic who murders prostitutes while in a black out. The writing is very good. I can see where Block (author) used the tools that I read about in the writing book.

When I got up this morning, I had a message from “Facebook” saying that I needed to verify who I was by clicking on the website they provided or my account would be deactivated. I had heard of these scams so I just deleted the message. If FB really intended to check my information, I doubt they would send me a message via messenger. I think they would just lock me out of my account.

Saturday Blog 43

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Today has been a lazy Saturday. I really wanted pizza but it was too cold to walk to the store so I had it delivered. I will be having pizza the next few days.

I haven’t done anything today. I’m still in pain and have been trying to avoid sleeping all day though it has been tempting. I made coffee and was half way done with it when I started getting jittery. I have been meaning to return the cup to the kitchen but I haven’t done so. I also need to empty my recycle bin. Think I will do that tomorrow. I don’t feel like going down two flights of stairs with my ankle hurting.

I tried to revive my Tivo while I was waiting for the pizza delivery but no luck. I think I have to hit the reset button or something as it just is stuck on the power up screen. I hate to do that because it might erase my shows but I need the thing to be working. I really don’t want to buy another DVR. I could get one through my cable company but it’s too expensive for my budget. I don’t watch TV anyways so I am trying to get out of missing the shows.

Baseball season is around the corner and I cannot wait. I miss it so much. Spring training starts in like two and a half weeks. The schedule is already in my calendar so I don’t have to download it again.

I found my psychology book. It’s not the one I wanted but it’s abnormal psych so it should be fine for the research I am doing. I just hope it provides the information that I am looking for. I know I could Google the information but there is so much out there I don’t want to have to sift through it all. I like going old school.

I hate this tired feeling that I have. I know I should rest as I really haven’t been sleeping the last few nights. It’s just so hard to settle down, especially when the coffee you drank hours ago is still making you restless. I just don’t know what to do with myself and this goes on day after day. I wish I had something to do. But I am getting bored these days. There is only so much reading you can do online and through books. I wish I could go for a walk but my ankle is just too bad. Plus it’s like 10 degrees out. Not exactly walking weather.

I can’t understand why I can’t stick with a routine. I know part of the reason is because of my father’s appointments that disrupted my schedule. I hope I can go back to some semblance of a routine now that there are no more appointments. I just have my therapy to occupy me and drive me crazy. I sometimes wonder why I still continue twice a week when it’s obviously not really helping me. Some days it does help. I get to vent and be heard where I wouldn’t be otherwise.

In the writing book that I read, it said to network with other writers, copyeditors, and friends that help you with your writing. I have zero in this field. The only people that support my writing is my therapist and psychiatrist. I am not even Twitter friends with other writers. I may follow writers but it’s not like they know me personally or anything. I am just alone in my craft.

Free Books, Pain and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Free Books, Pain, and other things

I went to bed late last night because I wasn’t really sleepy until my pain meds kicked in. I had received an email from my favorite mystery writer, Lawrence Block. He had written a blog about five of his books being free over the next five days. I love him. He is such a brilliant writer that I even bought his how to book on writing. The books are available only after midnight Pacific Time. I wanted to get the first book as I have not read it but it was too early. I am on Eastern Time. So when I woke up in pain at 0430 and became aware of my surroundings, I downloaded the first book via Kindle. It’s called “After the First Death”.

I can easily read Block’s book in a sitting. My favorite series of his is Matthew Scudder. I fell in love with this character back when I first became suicidal. I was looking for books to kill myself and came across his book “Eight Million Ways to Die”. Seemed like a good book to read. However, it wasn’t what I was looking for. It was about Scudder and a prostitute killer and about how Scudder came to terms with his alcoholism. Throughout the book, people die in weird ways, hence the title. Unfortunately, I can’t give an example from the book but I can give you one that I learned yesterday. A manhole cover became dislodged on the highway and killed the driver of a car. She was a young art teacher. I don’t know why there are manhole covers on the damn highway, but apparently, they are killers. It was a sad story.

Block also has other books with different themed characters. My other favorite of his is Keller the hit man. When I first read “Hit Me”, I laughed because the assassin was in therapy. He would go around the country, killing people he was hired to kill, and then see a therapist. Toward the end of the book, he feels the therapist is getting to close to him so he kills her. There are five books in this series. When I get paid in a couple of weeks, I plan on getting these books. Unfortunately, none of them will be free during his special days.

My ankle is really hurting and I don’t know why. But then, I never really know why it hurts. That is the million dollar question. I am so sick of being in pain. I wonder if other chronic pain people feel like I do and just want to end their lives because they can’t stand being pain. My pain is controlled by medication, so I should be grateful for this but the chronicity I feel about it drives me to suicide. I am suicidal without pain, too but I am wondering if being rational about ending my life is a good or bad thing. I really want to end my life and plan to in a couple of weeks. I have just had enough. I don’t know if you would say that I “snapped”, but I really hate the routine of pain increasing, taking medication, then being forced to sleep because the meds make you sleepy and if you don’t, you feel sick. I am also tired of having to take medication for my other chronic illnesses, including my bipolar disorder. I take more than 10 pills a night. I am sick of it. I don’t want to take these pills but I have to. Otherwise, I just get sick.

One of the pills I take is for my GERD, better known as reflux disease, a stomach condition. I have been taking it or some version of it for a long time. But lately, I don’t think it’s working anymore as my stomach has been hurting and I keep on feeling bloated. I have never been scoped to see what my stomach looks like because I will be damned if someone is going to shove a tube down my throat to figure it out. I know you are pretty sedated but the idea of it, I am not fond of. So I just keep taking the pill, hoping my stomach feels better by limiting what I eat.