Free Books, Pain and Other Things

Free Books, Pain, and other things

I went to bed late last night because I wasn’t really sleepy until my pain meds kicked in. I had received an email from my favorite mystery writer, Lawrence Block. He had written a blog about five of his books being free over the next five days. I love him. He is such a brilliant writer that I even bought his how to book on writing. The books are available only after midnight Pacific Time. I wanted to get the first book as I have not read it but it was too early. I am on Eastern Time. So when I woke up in pain at 0430 and became aware of my surroundings, I downloaded the first book via Kindle. It’s called “After the First Death”.

I can easily read Block’s book in a sitting. My favorite series of his is Matthew Scudder. I fell in love with this character back when I first became suicidal. I was looking for books to kill myself and came across his book “Eight Million Ways to Die”. Seemed like a good book to read. However, it wasn’t what I was looking for. It was about Scudder and a prostitute killer and about how Scudder came to terms with his alcoholism. Throughout the book, people die in weird ways, hence the title. Unfortunately, I can’t give an example from the book but I can give you one that I learned yesterday. A manhole cover became dislodged on the highway and killed the driver of a car. She was a young art teacher. I don’t know why there are manhole covers on the damn highway, but apparently, they are killers. It was a sad story.

Block also has other books with different themed characters. My other favorite of his is Keller the hit man. When I first read “Hit Me”, I laughed because the assassin was in therapy. He would go around the country, killing people he was hired to kill, and then see a therapist. Toward the end of the book, he feels the therapist is getting to close to him so he kills her. There are five books in this series. When I get paid in a couple of weeks, I plan on getting these books. Unfortunately, none of them will be free during his special days.

My ankle is really hurting and I don’t know why. But then, I never really know why it hurts. That is the million dollar question. I am so sick of being in pain. I wonder if other chronic pain people feel like I do and just want to end their lives because they can’t stand being pain. My pain is controlled by medication, so I should be grateful for this but the chronicity I feel about it drives me to suicide. I am suicidal without pain, too but I am wondering if being rational about ending my life is a good or bad thing. I really want to end my life and plan to in a couple of weeks. I have just had enough. I don’t know if you would say that I “snapped”, but I really hate the routine of pain increasing, taking medication, then being forced to sleep because the meds make you sleepy and if you don’t, you feel sick. I am also tired of having to take medication for my other chronic illnesses, including my bipolar disorder. I take more than 10 pills a night. I am sick of it. I don’t want to take these pills but I have to. Otherwise, I just get sick.

One of the pills I take is for my GERD, better known as reflux disease, a stomach condition. I have been taking it or some version of it for a long time. But lately, I don’t think it’s working anymore as my stomach has been hurting and I keep on feeling bloated. I have never been scoped to see what my stomach looks like because I will be damned if someone is going to shove a tube down my throat to figure it out. I know you are pretty sedated but the idea of it, I am not fond of. So I just keep taking the pill, hoping my stomach feels better by limiting what I eat.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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