Category: suicide

Psychopharm for Suicide Prevention

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender

Psychopharmacology for Suicide Prevention

Baldessarini and Tondo, in Suicide in Psychiatric Disorders, Tartarelli, Pompili, and Giardi, Eds 2007

I read this chapter in this book because I thought it would be interesting. Once you read that clozapine and lithium were valuable in the reduction of suicide, the rest of the article fell flat on its face. It talked about SRI’s (serotonin reuptake inhibitors) and how only fluoxetine was approved for adolescent use. The rest were “black boxed”. Maybe I was tired when I read this as I have been up most of the day and despite having two cups of caffeinated drinks, I am still tired. But the article, I felt was ridiculous. It listed more references than sentences. I hate articles like that. And the graphs made absolutely no sense. So unless you suffer from schizophrenia or Bipolar I disorder, you are fucked. I got more depressed reading this article.

I really wanted to kill myself after reading this. I don’t know why. Maybe because it said that I was in the age range that suicides happen and I am “untreated”. It did talk about how studies excludes those with suicidal thinking, which is a shame. But what was unclear was if the RCT (Random clinical trials) did anything if the subject became suicidal during the study. And what really pissed me off was they quoted “suicidality” like it wasn’t a word or something. It was really a bizarre article.

I also read today that 6 transgendered people killed themselves so far this year. I feel like I should be #7. I also read that Bruce Jenner, the athlete, is now a she. That totally blew my mind. It kind of gave me hope but I am feeling so shitty that all I can think about is killing myself because I hate myself so damn much. And that stupid article just gave me enough reasons to go ahead with it. I am going to write a will, so that my family knows what to do with my stuff. I want my books donated to my therapist in the hope it might help her. My journal articles might as well be recycled. They were of no value to anyone except me. My Suicide and Life threatening journal can be donated to the MGH library or a library that doesn’t have these important articles.

I am just so tired of living this way. My foot is throbbing big time and I didn’t even do anything to it the last few hours. It just exploded about an hour or two ago and the pain meds hasn’t even touched it. I think I am becoming psychotic again. I keep hearing my father’s voice and he isn’t here. And my regular voices have been really quiet, which is unusual. I know once I go to sleep, I probably will feel better when I wake up. I just feel so wired yet tired. Damn, it’s 0200. I don’t know how the hell time keeps escaping me. Maybe that is why I feel so disoriented. I know I have been playing on my laptop for the last few hours. I know because I have had to log out of one account and then log onto another back and forth to get the items I need for the one account I am working on. All for this stupid game I am playing. Maybe I should take my antipsychotic tonight. I usually take it every other night because otherwise I get nasty side effects. I hate them because they are so uncomfortable and I can’t do anything but SPAZ out. My arms and legs become very spastic. I hate it. But the drug keeps the bad voices away. I don’t know why I am hearing my father’s voice. He isn’t commanding. It’s just like remnants of a conversation more than talking to him like he is there. I don’t know if that explains it very well. Maybe I will take a trilafon and see if that helps.

why

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide

why by Rascal Flatts

This song has been in my head since I found out my friend killed himself. I still can’t get over that someone that I know died by suicide. Since hearing that song, all I did was cry for his loss. I have been up since 0330 so I am a little emotional.

more rants on suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt, suicide attempt survivor

More Rants on Suicide

Have I mentioned how much I love Twitter? It brings me on the front lines of any suicide articles. I recently have two rants that I will discuss that I have read today concerning suicide and suicide prevention.

The first is a Washington Post article about a guy that wrote an email detailing his suicide, to multiple journalists. All he wanted was acknowledgement and validation of his work that he published in the 70s. What did these journalists do? NOTHING. Until it was too late. The author of the article asked “what was she supposed to do”? Answer: TALK TO THE PERSON! This guy waited several hours for a response before he jumped to his death. He was obviously waiting, desperately, for some kind of response to acknowledge his statements. And when he didn’t, he died. He died a needless death because these journalists didn’t take him seriously. The author states she got the email late, and he was in Japan, she was in the states, so went to sleep! Then when she woke up hours later, she decided to pursue the matter. In those precious hours, she could have responded with something, anything. All she had to do was hit reply. A one liner was, in my mind, all that was needed. It angers me that this guy was obviously in distress and was blatantly ignored. I hope this journalist learned her lesson. That suicide intentions of any kind are not to be ignored.

The second piece was about how psychiatrists deal with suicide. In the article, the author found it difficult to find someone to talk to about this. It was not talked about. Also in the article, it mentions her friend, who happened to be hospitalized for severe depression because she kept attempting suicide. Her friend had a therapist, that after she attempted, hung her out to dry. She didn’t want to treat her anymore. So now her friend is without outpatient care. She has not been able to find a therapist to deal with her suicidality. Because once you mention the “S” word, no one wants to deal with you. I have found this out myself. When my therapist permanently located to her current office 30 miles away from and my car broke down, permanently, I tried to find a therapist within a 5 mile radius of my house. I talked to 10 different therapists. ALL referred me to another therapist once they inquired about my suicidality. Because I had and was currently suicidal, they didn’t want anything to do with me. Then when I was able to find someone in my hometown, he was sweating bullets whenever I brought up my suicidality. How was I supposed to talk to him when it was obvious he was scared of losing me? I said fuck that and went back to my current therapist. We have phone conversations and I see her whenever I can borrow my sister’s car.

This article cited sources from the AAS and Dr. Paul Quinnett, two of my favorite sources. I commented on the article because it was dear to me. I know first hand the stigma around mental health professionals when a patient dies by suicide. I have read countless articles about it. It is a very difficult topic. And once a patient dies by suicide, it scars the practitioner for life. I have had many discussions with my therapist about what would she do if I died. She couldn’t fathom it, nor talk about it. I once brought her an article about what to do if I should die. She rejected it. And this is from someone who welcomes everything I bring her and hoards what I give her. I wanted her to know there were resources out there to help. She wanted no part of it. And this article highlighted that. Most professionals that lose a patient to suicide are alone, but they don’t need to be. As survivor resources that the AAS provides become more widely known, therapists are being helped by their peers and healing can occur.

Loss of a friend

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental illness, suicide

Back when I was a late teen, I came out as gay. I joined BAGLY, Boston Alliance for Gay and Lesbian Youth. It was a great place to discuss coming out and get support. I was fortunate to befriend Chris. He was such a good friend. Though I had to leave BAGLY because I reached the age limit, I still had brief contact with Chris over the years. We lost touch but then Facebook reunited us. Sadly, I learned this weekend he took his life.

Usually I am happy when someone dies by suicide because they are no longer suffering. I didn’t know that side of Chris. He recently became engaged to his long time partner and he seemed to be happy. I had no idea, even back when I first knew him, he had mental health issues. I am saddened by his loss. I am going to miss his smile. I hope he is in a better place.