Category: suicide

Zero Suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in psychache, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt

Zero Suicide

For most of the day, I have been reading on Twitter, “Zero Suicide”. While I believe in decreasing the suicide rate, I don’t ever think there will be zero suicide in any population, in any country of the world. In the words of the father of suicidology, Edwin Shneidman, he stated before his death, “well how many suicides do you want, and I say I don’t want any, but I want there to be the freedom to do it. So there is a morality. I study suicide but I am not pro-suicide. I am for suicide prevention”. That to me, sums up the notion there can never be zero suicide. To think that one day there can be, is just foolish. Now to prevent suicide, that is another ball game. I believe that there should be every effort to prevent a suicide from happening. But to do that, you will have to do quite a few things. Suicide must be talked about like cancer is talked about. Cancer was once considered taboo. People thought if you talked about it, you could get it. So it is with suicide, that talking about it will lead to someone taking their life. This is a myth. The next is that if you are suicidal, you will be forever. As Shneidman has explained, suicide is a time limited event. It doesn’t last forever. You might, like me, have lingering thoughts of suicide or once your mental pain has decreased, you no longer think about taking your life.

It just angers me when people talk about “zero suicides”. I get the sentiments but I just think it is foolish without serious interventions and preventions out there. Increasing hotlines or having your family doc talk openly about it. All that is needed is usually an open ear. Increasing services rather than taking them away. Decrease wait times for call back services or for psychiatric crisis teams. If there were more people who actually had help that was available to them rather than waiting months for an appointment, there definitely will be less suicides, possibly. This has to be more than words on a sheet of paper. I once heard of a case in the UK that a woman was waiting desperately for a callback from their crisis team, for days. She was begging them for hospitalization. They denied it or there wasn’t a bed available so she ended up killing herself. Her daughter was left to deal with the aftermath. I know things like this happen in the US as well. My friend’s daughter was once in the ER for days before there was a bed available at a psych hospital/unit.

I just think that if more mental health professionals dealt with suicidal people rather than pawn them off to hospitals, there might be less suicides. I am not saying that is the answer to every case, but if outpatient services are afraid of suicide, how is the client supposed to trust them?

Twitter Rant 01.10.2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt

People seem to think that my writing of suicide is what leads me to think about suicide. It’s quite the opposite. It helps me to think of ways to control my suicidality and work against the dark feelings by expressing myself in a clinical way. By me thinking of this as clinical, it helps me compartmentalize the feelings so they aren’t so powerful that I do impulsive things. But then I am fighting the stigma that talking about suicide, leads to suicide and that is hurtful. By my writing about coping with suicide I not only free myself of the thoughts, but I may also help someone in the process. That is my goal when I share my papers about Edwin Shneidman and David Jobes. Their work about psychache and CAMS (collaborating, assessment, and management of suicidality) really help me focus on not killing myself. If we talk about suicide like we do cancer survival, maybe we might decrease the suicide rate. if suicide wasn’t a taboo topic anymore, there might be some healing and actually lead to more discussion and openness.

Broken Routines

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide

I got an email from TiVo saying that I could get a lifetime product for their new Roamio sets. I would love to upgrade to a new system as mine is over 12 years old. It still works good and all but I think it is time for an upgrade so I can record more shows at the same time. But, alas, I can’t afford the Roamio and the offer is only good until Jan 28th. Rats.

I was reading an old blog that I wrote almost two years ago about clutter. In it, I described my current life situation where I have clothes and papers all over the place without a home. I am unable to find a home because I don’t have a place to put them. So they just stay in piles. I use the piles because I do have to change clothes a few times a week. The reason I don’t go through the piles often is because I don’t shower every day like I used to. I shower maybe 3-4 times a week, if that, and it depends on my mood and pain level. I try to shower at least every other day but some times that is just not possible. Very rarely do I shower on consecutive days. I notice when I don’t shower a lot when my mother does the laundry. I can’t do the laundry because I don’t do it her way. I will have a small pile of clean clothes, which basically means, I didn’t shower too often that week.

I read an article today about how sunshine may contribute to suicide. But in the same article, it said that sunshine for 14-60 days was preventative against suicide. So if you have sun for less than 10 days, you may commit suicide. Makes sense to me because I have found that at the peak of summer, my suicidality goes through the roof with the heat and sunshine. I can’t stand it. Give me cloudy days any day! Luckily in Boston, we don’t have consecutive days of sunshine. Though it may be what is contributing to my suicidality the last couple of days. The study took out the seasons variability factor. Here is the link to the article if you are interested. It is a bit technical and at times confusing but well worth the read. The interesting finding in the study was that women were more likely to die by suicide than men. Usually, the reverse is true. But the authors didn’t mention that at all, least not in the overview. here is a simpler version of the same article: sunshine and suicide

I had therapy today. I wish I could say that it was encouraging but I felt like it was work and a whole lot of bullshit. My therapist was trying to tell me that I need to be validated and that I am missing that because I am so isolated. Her contact is the only human contact I get now a days. I don’t talk with my mother about any thing related to me. I don’t talk to my sisters about what is wrong. My psychiatrist is out in cyberland somewhere and I can’t always get a response from her. So the only people I “talk” with are my Twitter followers, and sometimes, my Facebook friends. And with me feeling wicked down on myself and wanting to kill myself, she feels like I am too isolated and need more contact with people. Trouble is, there aren’t a whole lot of people I talk with, even while I was working. Sure I socialized with my coworkers while working but rarely did our friendship leave the office. Since being out of work, even my closest friends never call me or text me like they used to. I used to text them all the time but when I started getting no responses, I stopped. It’s been almost three years since I have been out of work. And yes, this time of year always sucks for me, but not having social support is hurting me. Sure I have my writing and my blog, but I don’t always get responses to every post I publish. And yesterday, I really was looking for validation on one of my papers that I sent to a clinical social worker. He totally missed what the paper was about. He thought it was more about the song than the content I was writing about. That hurt me more than words can express. And that is the other thing. Lately, I have been having trouble expressing myself either on Twitter or my blog. I don’t know what is holding me back but I just cannot say what I feel anymore. Last night was a difficult night, again, and I all I could do was spout off lyrics of the songs I was playing. The hardest part was trying to keep it within 140 characters and still be able to quote the artist.

My mood is all over the place. One minute I am hanging by a thread and the next I am okay. Right now, there is a heaviness in my chest. It’s almost 2000 and already my mood has winded down. I don’t know if I can stand another painful night of heartache. I don’t know what is causing me such misery. It’s not my anniversary, yet, of my surgeries and when my life changed forever. Granted I was talking to a friend and we were talking about how my ankle is being such a downer. I can’t do stairs and yet I am supposed to do PT tomorrow. I really don’t see the fucking point of going to PT. I know I am always going to be in pain. Any activity is going to hurt me. But I have become so reclusive. I don’t go out, unless I really have the motivation to do so. I still have funds for my Starbucks from my birthday and Christmas gifts but I really haven’t gone out more than once a week. The routine used to be have therapy, get dressed, catch the bus, and then go to Starbucks. Now it more like have therapy and then catch a nap, write a blog, have dinner, then go to sleep. I really have to psych myself up to go out. I don’t talk with anyone human, except for my mother. Some days I don’t really talk with her at all except to make dinner plans. If I talk with my sisters, it is via text message, though lately my sister has been calling me. But outside of family, there is no other communication. I might chat with my Twitter buddies but it’s not instantaneous. And lately, I just haven’t been feeling up to chatting. I just stay in my room because it is quiet and I play my annoying game. So that is what I do all day. Nothing at all. I am really useless.

Random Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide

I think I am coming down with something as I have never been this cold before in my life. I never had to wear double layers as I always have been hot. But the last few days, something has changed. I don’t know if it is my thyroid out of whack or this cold that I just can’t shake, but I am freezing most of the day. I am not running a fever, that much I know, which is good. I know it is cold out, and that doesn’t help my case. But I am not outside! I am inside where there is heat. I am under the blankets of my bed so I don’t understand why I am so cold.

I had therapy today. Nothing new was discussed. She got my letters finally and she was again in awe that I find lyrics that fit our situation. I also told her about a comment my newest blog follower wrote about me considering getting published in academia. I would really love that but unfortunately, I don’’ have the initials after my name to do that. Hell, I don’t even have a bachelor’s degree, yet. I also told her that I plan on submitting my TG piece to a contest that is gearing up soon. It’s kind of like crap but I think the message is that my being in the wrong gender is causing me to be suicidal. I hope I win, but you never know. I had it on my blog but took it down as it was only for my therapist to see. I wanted her opinion on it before I submitted it for a blog post. The blog post never materialized so I am going to submit it for the contest. I hope I win and don’t have to travel to receive the award. It would be so great to see Dr. Quinnett again. He is the guy sponsoring the contest, well his institute is. I will hopefully submit next week when the portal to do so is open.

We also talked about my not being able to accept praise. She then brought up the whole accomplishment assignment that I never did. It’s hard for me to write something positive about myself. I rather hear it from someone else because I don’t believe in myself enough to know it is true. All my life and still till this day, I have been told I am a nothing. Even if I got straight A’s, my father wanted me to get higher grades. Then he called me a liar one day and my life went down the toilet. I didn’t care about anything. I didn’t care if I lived or died. I tried to kill myself for the first time in my life because he made me feel so small. That is why I tolerate him from a distance. I do things for him only out of obligation because I am the oldest child but I don’t enjoy it. I rather have a root canal than spend time with him.

So anyways, it is difficult for me to come up with some self-appreciation, especially now that I am stuck in the middle of the abyss with this depression that came out of no where. I think I am on the mend but depression has its own way of showing itself. Just when you think you are getting well, you slip and fall back into the hole.

I have an appointment with my physiatrist (muscle and bone doctor) tomorrow at fricken 1030. I don’t know why I picked an early time. I just hope the weather is fair.

I have been trying to find the “suicide as psychache” book by Dr. Shneidman but haven’t been able to locate it. I know it is buried under some things in my room. But which things, I am lost. I don’t remember the last time I saw it. I should organize all my suicidology stuff one day. I have them scattered between my office and my room. If I could have them in one central place, I think that would help when I want to read something. It’s a shame I don’t know where my “Suicidal Mind” book is. I might have to buy another copy. I wouldn’t mind having two copies of the same book. In my mind, I need two because I am always misplacing one. Things aren’t considered lost unless they leave my house. “Suicidal Mind” is my favorite book by Dr. Shneidman. It “speaks” to me like no other book does, with the possible exception of Dr. Quinnett’s book, “Suicide the forever decision”. I am thinking of writing a review on the Suicidal Mind so it would be nice to re-read it.