Category: writing

feeling anxious about things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, writing

I had made another copy of my manuscript today to go over it a little. I wanted to see if anything struck me so I can add to it or fix it a little before the editor sees it. A fellow blogger has kindly volunteered to read over the book and get back to me with comments about it. I should hear from her in a week or so.

I was so anxious about all that I had to do and what went on with my appointments from last week and the depressive weekend I had, I called my therapist for a session. We talked about the book and we agreed to take it like thirty pages at time or chapter by chapter. Some chapters are short so I think going by pages will be better.

We also talked about the appointments that I made for this week. I have the appointment with the podiatrist on Thursday morning at the crack of dawn. It was the first available appointment and I want to get this over with so I took the 7:15 am slot. Means I have to get up really early but I have been waking up early the past few weeks so it shouldn’t be a big deal, least I hope it won’t be. I also called the dentist, the appointment I have been most dreading for months now. I got the appointment tomorrow morning at 8. Just lovely. I know I am going to get reprimanded by not brushing every day and not brushing well on my back teeth. I just got to hope I don’t have a cavity. I will have to take an Ativan tomorrow because I know I will be freaking out with the scraping. It has been at least three years since my last dental visit so I am sure there is plenty of stuff to scrape. UGH. But I got these appointments out of the way and as long as the bus shows up when it is supposed to, I should be able to make the podiatry appointment Thursday without any problems. I just hope I don’t have to go for xrays or an MRI. I have had enough of those for a lifetime.

My mood today has sucked. Even my latte wasn’t great today as I almost chucked it up after drinking it. I don’t know why I am so gaggy today. I smell certain things and I gag. The worst was the trash today. YUCK! Luckily the contents of my stomach stayed in my stomach today. But it was just an uncomfortable thing to go through. I hope I am not getting a migraine. I really don’t feel like it but that could account for the nausea.

Found out today that my therapist broke her knee cap when she fell on some ice. I feel bad. But it’s good she doesn’t have to have it surgically repaired. She just has to wear a brace for a while until it heals.

I still am feeling anxious about things. I am nervous about the podiatry appointment because I didn’t think I was going to get in this week. I think I am going to be taking a lot more Ativan this week than I usually do. With the dental appointment and the podiatry in the same week, there is no doubt about it.

beyond tired and darkness

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide, writing

I had three important phone calls to make today, well more like for the past several weeks, and I have been procrastinating on all of them. Today I decided to make one. It was nothing major, just an eye appointment because my vision has not been focusing on thing lately and especially when I am tired, I can’t read or use the laptop anymore because everything is blurry, even with my glasses on. This receptionist was a nitwit. She basically had the impression that I was not worthy of coming into the practice for whatever her reasons were. She (who is not a doctor by the way) thought it would be more prudent to my neuro-ophthalmologist when my doctor specifically told me a regular ophthal was ok. I got really frustrated very quickly. Then she had the audacity to give me an appointment “but to call soon so you can cancel it”. I don’t know what bee was in her bonnet but I am going to call on Monday and try to get another receptionist and another appointment that isn’t five months away! My eyesight hasn’t gotten worse, and I think it’s mostly due to migraine activity but I am not a doctor so I can’t make that assumption! And what really pissed me off was that my information was in the computer. The other receptionist who left me a message to call because I was a “new patient” when I filled in the online web appointment. What a jerk. I emailed my psychiatrist to tell her what was going on and also made an appointment with my optometrist to let him know what is going on because I need some fucking answers. I can’t have my eyes decide to go screwy with me when I need them to focus. It makes writing and reading very difficult.

I say this because I am beyond exhausted. My eyes are really tired and I know soon they will not focus on anything I try to make them focus on. So blogger chat friend, I might not be able to chat with you later. I think I am getting a migraine because I am so tired. I have been up since 630. I had a long morning with my father and his stupid doctor appointment and we still have no idea why he is so tired. I think it is because he has a virus. But then most things are always viruses when you go to the doctor anyway. You can have a clear case of bacterial pneumonia and they will call it a virus until you run fevers and chills to give you antibiotics. And in the age of superbugs, I don’t doubt their holding off. But I digress. This blog isn’t about antibiotics.

I have felt really sleepy today but have not had a nap. I actually woke up a few minutes before my alarm went off. And once it went off, all I want to do was shut it off, roll over, and sleep. But I had my coffee at Starbucks so that helped to wake my brain up for a bit. I was so sleep deprived I didn’t bring a book or notepad like I usually do when I take my father to his doctor’s appointment. I couldn’t concentrate anyways.

I keep thinking about ending my life. I just really want to know what would happen if I weren’t around anymore. My father won’t be going to doctor’s appointments anymore but that is the least of my worries. I really want to see my niece graduate high school this year. But it all seems so far away from me. Everything seems so far away from me, my book, my life. All too far from my reach. It’s like being cloaked in darkness and trying to reach out into the light but nothing is there and all that is, is more darkness.

they will float away

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, writing

I had my weekly therapy session today. We talked about the new book that I was writing as I am not happy with what I am writing and she said that I “write magic and things come together” whenever I look back over what I wrote. So I am going on that assumption even though what I wrote feels like shit. She doesn’t know how I write like I do. I don’t either. I just do. Maybe it’s just my artistic temperament. I don’t know. I felt like she was saying these things just to booster my confidence but I feel so low that it didn’t work this time.

I told her about my lows, how one day I am “fine” and the next I am thinking of killing myself. How can you go from being okay to thoughts of killing yourself is beyond me. My blogger friend was describing feeling empty last night. I guess I am feeling that today. I don’t know if my writing is effective anymore. I just feel like I lost something and I don’t know what it is. I know I should be glad that the feelings of wanting to kill myself aren’t 24/7 like they used to be. Maybe I am missing it. I mean, I have felt like that for YEARS. And to go from that to nothing, well, is weird. I like to think that I turned a corner but yesterday when I woke up, I just wanted to be dead. Course this is coming after a bad pain night in which I wish I didn’t wake up. But after those thoughts passed, they didn’t linger. I didn’t harbor the thoughts or feelings. They just floated away and I got on with my day. Today I am feeling like I am stuck. I am stuck in that harbor with these thoughts and wondering if they will float away.

I have been up early. My mother woke me up early this morning, before her stinking alarm clock went off. She is now snoozing on the couch. She didn’t hear me go up and down the stairs. Pity. I could have called it payback.

I keep thinking of what next to write and I just don’t know. I know that this blog is like my online journal. But I don’t want this blog to be just about my every day struggles. Yes I have not showered in a few days time and I need one but that is the least of my worries in the midst of this low level depression that seems to be sucking the thoughts out of my head. I can’t seem to think with this type of depression. Like my other blog I wrote the other day, to me, my blogs lately have just been words on the screen.

My ankle is hurting so I doubt I will go out for a latte. Just getting my lunch was enough to push it on the edge. It feels like someone is trying to snap it in half. And any weight I put on it, make it worse. So now I am stuck in bed keeping my foot raised to keep it immobile as much as possible so I am not in pain. I am glad when I went out I got some snacks. I know I shouldn’t be having them because I am trying to watch my weight but my therapist seems to think that I am anorexic. We talked about it today and she just wants me to eat protein. Yesterday I had two eggs (one for breakfast, the other at dinner) and I was still hungry an hour later. I don’t know what is driving my appetite increase but it sucks. And I know that if I don’t keep a watch on it, I will turn into a cow. I am not skinny by any means of the word but I would like to get below what my weight is currently. But I think I am PMS’g so I bought some chocolate. Chocolate comes from a cocoa tree so therefore it is a plant. That is my rational for having some.

Because my ankle is now bothering me in the afternoon, I guess I should take something for the pain. But that means I will be a zombie or worse take a nap so I can wake up at 8 pm. I am trying my best to ignore it but it doesn’t want to be ignored. Dammit! I hate that. So much for thinking this will go away on its own. I’m off to listen to Lady A. Maybe their music will keep me calm and awake enough so I don’t take a nap.

can’t sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, transgender, writing

been trying to get to sleep for the past two hours and have not been successful. My mind keeps thinking about things, mostly about how I have not been thinking of suicide the past few days and it just seems odd. How can I go from thinking about suicide every day to not thinking about it at all? Weird. I also have been in pain the past hour or so. I just took something for it.

I am feeling like I should be doing something. But it’s one thirty in the morning. I thought I would write as it just seems like that always brings my thoughts down and makes them go away enough that I can actually sleep. But my I just realized all I had to eat today was some eggs with ham and a few doughnuts. That was quite a while ago. I didn’t have supper. I wanted to order out but I took a nap instead, which is probably why I can’t go back to sleep. I keep looking, well actually scrolling, through Facebook on my phone and going on twitter but nothing new is happening.

I really feel like I should be dead or something. This living thing is hard to really think about. I don’t know what my life is going to be like now. I still have thoughts of buying a cemetery plot and a casket. I really want to buy a casket. I know that is really morbid but it is how I feel. So I might not be suicidal but I still think about death and dying. It is not the same as wanting to kill myself because I am not planning my death. I am just wondering what it would be like if I were dead. I wonder if people will think about me in the same way. I know my mother would be heartbroken. I could careless what my father feels. I don’t know how my sisters will feel.

I have been thinking about reading something. But writing is much more fun. I have been trying to get into the new book called “far from the tree” by Andrew Solomon but it stirs up too many feelings. I am having a hard time reading it so you know it is a good book. It talks about homosexuality and disability. Both of which I am. I didn’t choose to be gay, I just am. I like women. But seeing as I am a transgender, I guess that would make me straight. I don’t know if I ever will be the man I am meant to be. It seems like it is too difficult to try and do. I hate being called “her” or “she”. Some parts of me just feels like I have to accept it. But it hurts when I try and settle for the wrong gender pronouns. I am sure my father wouldn’t like to be called a her. I had some stubble growing again on my chin. He said I should shave. The stubble was irritating me anyways so I did. I then felt bad. I don’t know why I did it. I knew I would feel bad afterwards. But at least I know that it will grow back.

When I was working, I always shaved it off. I liked the idea of shaving every day. I wouldn’t touch my mustache but I would shave my goatee. Now that I am no longer working, I just don’t shave anymore unless I feel like it or I have to go some place important. I don’t know if I will ever take hormones to be a man. I would love to but I don’t know if I can at this stage of the game.

Well, my meds seem to be kicking in right now so I am going to try again to get some sleep.