Day 11 of Covid

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Day 11 of Covid

It has been more than 24hrs since I ran a fever so I think I am out of the quarantine now. I am feeling so damn tired and the docs can’t do anything for me as the time for antibody treatment has passed. I need to give my shot today of testosterone. It will be at the increased dose. I am kind of nervous about it. I plan on giving it to myself after I write this blog.

I don’t think I am going to be looking at my blog stats anymore. The numbers have been terrible lately. It seems on days I write have better numbers than on days I don’t. Maybe now that I am not so sick from Covid I will write more. It is just hard because I sometimes don’t have the clarity to write.

Monday I had therapy and I told her about my eating problems. She took it as a control thing. I am supposed to eat something every day until I see her again. That is going to be hard to do but maybe not as I am out of quarantine now and can leave the house. I still want to go to Starbucks and have a latte. I also want a sandwich. I might have UberEats deliver me one. I don’t know if I will be strong enough to walk. I need to go to the pharmacy and pick up my meds. I am kind of nervous about it because coming back home always makes me short of breath. It is a nice day out so maybe it won’t be so bad walking.

I need to wash my clothes that have covid on them, including my masks. I don’t know if I will be able to do it today as I am awfully tired. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and it took me forever to get back to sleep. I realized last night that I lost my sense of smell. I still have my sense of taste so I am glad about that. I just can’t smell anymore. I hope it comes back. I wanted to get my vaccine but they are saying that I need to wait a month for it to happen. Fuck. That sucks.

I pre-ordered Taylor Swift’s new version of Fearless and even though it said I purchased it, it still won’t download on my phone. I have to talk with Amazon about it but I can’t be bothered right now. So I am just listening on the amazon app. I don’t know when I am going to talk to the people at Amazon to find out why my music isn’t downloading properly. But least I can listen to her music. It makes me feel in a good mood when I listen to her music.

I got a new baseball history book that I plan on reading sometime today. I can’t wait. I have never been so excited to read a history book before. I hope that it has what I am looking for or I will just write my own the way I want it.

Day 6 of Covid19

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

Day 6 of covid19

I am in my 6th day of quarantining and being sick from covid. I feel really tired and weak. I have been trying to stay hydrated but it has been difficult as all I want to do is sleep. Today I felt a little better so made my coffee and had my breakfast cookies with it while in bed. My sister has been helpful in getting me food and stuff but I haven’t been too hungry.

Taylor Swift released her version of Fearless today and I have been having trouble downloading the songs after buying the album. There just seems to be a glitch between my phone and Amazon music app. The app is awful and with each update, gets worse and worse. But I am listening to the app as that is the only way to listen to the music right now. I am not entirely up for listening to music because my head feels so wonky due to covid. I just feel like I have the worst cold ever.

I need to shower today. I haven’t had a shower since last week. I know it is going to take a lot of energy to shower and wash up. I know I will feel a little better if I take one. It might clear up my nose for a little bit. I hate a stuffy nose more than anything. I hate being sick. All I keep thinking of is the setback this is going to cost me because I am not being active like I wanted to be. I just want to sleep all the time. I will be out of quarantine Tues. I cannot wait. I probably will still stay in my room but I am going to go for a walk somewhere soon as I get clearance from the government. Then I can schedule my vaccine so I don’t get it again.

I finally got the stimulus money so I plan on calling the probate court when I feel a little better to order a certified copy of my legal name change so I can get my passport renewed. I’ve been wanting to get my passport renewed for a while but I never had the money for it. The total cost for getting it is around $200, which includes getting my certified paperwork.

I am fighting a nap so hard. I am trying not to sleep too much today but it is getting exhausting. The fatigue I feel is way worse than my normal fatigue. I really hate that this is going to decondition me further. I think I am going to have to be in PT the rest of the year to get some of my strength back. My PT is good though so I am glad I have a good therapist. Sucks I couldn’t see her this week though. I canceled my appointment because I thought I would be getting the vaccine and too messed up by the shot to see her. Nope. Now I got to reschedule the vaccine yet again.

I have Covid

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

I have Covid

Saturday I got a fever of a 101.5. I felt pretty shitty but there was no reason for the fever. It continued the next day so I went to urgent care to get testing for covid and I was positive for it. I continued to run fevers until today. It has been almost 24 hours since having to take Tylenol but I just took some because of muscle aches. I am glad the fever is gone. I still have to quarantine the next 10 days.

I had a phone meeting with my TG doc because I forgot we were meeting. I am glad she called. She said my T levels were low so she is increasing the T dose by 0.25mL. So that will be my next dose when I take it next week. I will risk the acne that follows.

I feel really tired than usual from the covid. Been sleeping a lot. I haven’t been eating because I haven’t had the appetite. I got the sniffles. I also got brain fog which is making writing so difficult. I will write more later if I feel up to it but just wanted to give an update on where I am at.

Don’t Call Me Daughter 5

by Midnight Demon, posted in FTM, transgender

Don’t call me daughter 5

Apparently this is a blog I frequent write whenever I am misgendered. And this week is no exception. Monday after therapy I was talking with my mother and I don’t know how it came up but she said I was her “daughter”. I said I am her son. I said it multiple times and she kept on saying like a child that no, I was her daughter. Then she said something that cemented the deal by saying I will always be her first born daughter. I tried to convey how hurt I was but I couldn’t find the words. After a few minutes she had the audacity to say “change is hard”. Yeah right. Talk about mixed messages.

I was very upset and I reached out to social media like I always do when I need support. One person told me that I needed therapy. Another couple of friends said that it was a generational thing with my mother and to “ignore” her. What I don’t understand is how a parent can do this to their child. I never wanted to be a parent for a lot of reasons, being male is one of them. If a partner should have children, I will gladly see them as my own and love them as much as I love my partner. But right now I am single so I don’t have to worry about that. I like being single even if it is lonely at times.

I digress. I got some support from my online friends. It was not enough to keep the suicidal ideation away. I texted my therapist what had happened and I was thinking of taking some pills. Told her I was going to do the safety plan instead and she agreed. It has been a struggle living with my mother the past few days. I don’t want to deal with her at all but I know that if I give her the silent treatment that is only going to cause more problems. I just been staying in my room. Today I plan on taking a walk before picking up my prescription just to get out of the house and do some physical rehab because I am so deconditioned from my past surgeries. I am seven months post op and am still recovering.

My therapist and I talked about how hurtful my mother was and she just said that it was basically wrong and unfortunate that she is this way. I have tried not to take it personally but it is so damn hard. In Dec, my mother got Covid and I didn’t know if she was going to survive or not. She had a lot of medical issues and I wasn’t sure when she would be coming home again. It put it in perspective that she wasn’t going to be around forever and all I want is for her to call me son. Now I realize that is never going to happen. She is never going to be proud of me for being transgender, she may even feel ashamed of me. I don’t know. I rather not know if that is true. I know that to the healthcare workers that come to the house she still calls me “daughter” and “she” when addressing me.

I feel that no matter how much the testosterone changes my face nor how much facial hair I have, I still will not be seen as a he. It is so fucking painful to have a parent reject you like this. Wed was Trans Visibility Day and I got really suicidal. I felt worthless because I don’t have a mother basically. It is so hard. I feel like a black sheep. I texted my baby sister this and got her support. I don’t have the support of my middle sister. My middle sister and I don’t get along too well. It depends on her mood on whether she will call me a he or she. There have been times where both my sister and mother will call me a “whatever”. That hurts more than anything. I take it silently because I am too hurt to fight back. Part of me just wants to die because then I don’t have to deal with this. But I have my nieces and nephew to think about. I love them dearly and they love me and accept me for who I am. It has been a saving grace to hear my nephew call me a he to my mother. I think about survivor loss all the time whenever I become really suicidal and how it will affect my “kids”. How my kids will handle my death has been a huge preventative measure whenever I am suicidal and don’t have severe constriction. They love me unconditionally and it is the purest love. I have watched them grow up from being babies and it has been such a privilege.

This weekend is Easter. It is my least favorite holiday. I am not looking forward to a family gathering. But I will show up to eat. These days I haven’t been eating right. I usually just have breakfast and won’t eat the rest of the day. Appetite is just not there. The depression this whole thing has caused me is unreal. I don’t think an antidepressant will help. I still take it though.