Tag: bipolar disorder

made a mistake

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Made a mistake

Well, I took a nap. Now I am awake. I am just glad I don’t have to wake up early tomorrow. I do have to be up by 1100, 12 hours from now. What a mistake I made.

I have been thinking about my father. My sister made some pictures that my cousin gave us to look at. Most of them are pictures with my mother and him. One was taken before I was born so they were either dating or just married. I want to go through them again but the pictures make me sad. Tomorrow marks two weeks since he passed. Yet it feels like yesterday. I still don’t feel anything but sadness. I think I am going to call the social worker sometime tomorrow and talk with her about my feelings about grief. I just feel like I am going nuts with the loss of my father and it is something I wasn’t expecting. One day I will write about the day my father died but not tonight. It’s weird not getting phone calls anymore about his decline.

I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter. Her new CD is full of grief and sadness. It brings me low yet also brings me comfort. I love her voice. The name of the song that I really like is called “map of my heart”. I need to make a copy of the CD for a couple of friends. I hope they like it as much as I do.

I think I am going to go into the hospital sometime this week. I really feel like I need support and I am struggling with my depression like I have never felt before. I know I can go up on the Zoloft, but I really don’t want to. I am too afraid that it will make me sick. I seem to be coping with 50 mg just fine, but I am still depressed. I am also at times suicidal. I don’t think I will be in too long. Maybe a week or less.

Mother’s Day 2016

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Mother’s Day 2016

My sister made dinner for my mother and her mother in law. I over ate and drank a little too much wine. Everything was good. Then I scurried upstairs to my room. I needed to rest my stupid leg because it was aching me again.

My sister talked about how weird it was that my father is gone. She accidently called him today and was disappointed to find the number disconnected. I told her I was going to call her yesterday morning to find out how he was doing. It’s going to be a huge adjustment. I think I have been thinking about him more since he has passed than when he was alive.

I have slept most of the day. I went to Walgreens to pick up my prescription and then I filled my pill box for the week. I still have no interest in baseball, though I keep following it on Twitter, just to keep abreast of what is going on. Last time I heard, they were in first place. I hope they still are. They have lost their last two games with the skankees so they might not be anymore. I don’t know if it’s the depression that is blocking the interest or the grief.

I am wicked tired from the wine. I feel like I took sleeping pills. I should sleep good tonight, if I don’t take a nap between now and about 2100. It is very tempting right now to lie down and sleep.

Saturday Blog 48

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 48

I spent the day sleeping for the first time in a long while. I didn’t even take any drugs to achieve sleep. I just slept until I had a weird dream. Actually, it was a scary dream. I don’t want to write about it because I would rather forget about the damn dream. It wasn’t real. It never happened in real life. It was just a dream.

I went downstairs because I had to use the bathroom. Afterwards, I went in the kitchen and my mother had made chocolate covered biscottis. They were yummy. I didn’t have any lunch so I made dinner of a tuna sandwich. Now I feel bloated.

My sister is having a special dinner for my mother tomorrow. We are having turkey with all the fixings. I bought some wine the other day and I think I am going to have it with my meal. I just hope I have an appetite. I got my mother a card but I didn’t get my sisters one. I keep forgetting they are mothers, too.

My pdoc finally called in the sertraline. I was getting worried that I was going to run out. The pharmacy is closed so I will pick it up tomorrow. I am guessing the copay period where I don’t have to pay anything is in effect because the cost of the medication is zero. I am glad because my meds were pretty expensive for a while there. At least four of my meds were $20 a pop. I’ll find out at the end of the month whether they have lowered the copay or I don’t have one. Now I just need to bug her for an appointment time.

I have been thinking about my father all day. I half wanted to call my sister to know if she had been in touch with him. It’s so weird with him being gone. The stress of knowing that you don’t have to deal with him is a huge loss. I don’t know how else to explain it. I still feel terribly sad. I had a hard time dealing with things last night. I used the crisis chat line to try and talk with someone but they were so slow in responding. It was late and although I was feeling suicidal, they really didn’t help me. I just fell asleep and slept soundly until 1015 this morning. I had some breakfast and then went back to sleep.

I bought Mary Chapin Carpenter’s new CD. I am not sure what to make of it. It is kind of depressing, which is unlike her previous music. But I am in a depressed state so it might be clouding my thinking and feeling at the moment. There is one song I like but I keep forgetting the name of it. I will learn the name one of these days.

completely worn out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Completely worn out

I had coffee with a dear friend of mine this morning. We talked and laughed for several hours until she had to pick up her daughter. It was good talking with her. She recently lost her husband about two maybe three weeks ago. I forget. Then we walked down to the bus stop. I didn’t think I was going to make it but I did. My legs were worn out by the end of our visit. But it was so good to talk to her. She also lost her father many years ago so she understands what I am going through.

When I got home, my sister told me the check from my father’s insurance came. So I had to go back to the Square to deposit it. I got something to eat there as well. What I ordered wasn’t very good but I ate it anyway. I didn’t finish it as it was much too big for me to eat. I just left it as I didn’t want to bring it home. The bus was late so I had to wait. I just wanted to go home and put my foot up. It was smarting.

My pdoc didn’t call in my refill. I don’t know what I am going to do now as I will be out come Monday. I emailed her several times already. I really don’t want to email her again. I am kind of in a fuck it mood so I really don’t care if my antidepressant gets filled or not. I have been somewhat hypomanic the past two days because I haven’t been sleeping. Last night I was up most of the night. I don’t think I went to sleep till 0400. Then I woke up at 0645 and I have been going since. I took a shower, met up with my friend, came home, went back out, came home and now I am blogging. It’s been go, go, go. I am very tired.

For those that read my last blog (how can I help you say goodbye), I talked about the newspaper clippings my father had in his wallet. My sister found them and gave them to me. Now I feel really sad. Monday I have to get his death certificate translated and found out that the place I got to go to is near my godmother’s house. I might stop in and see her before I leave. It’s not every day that I am in that area.