Tag: Blogging

Just Write

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Just Write

Those were the last words my therapist told me before ending our session. No direction or clue what I am to write about, “just write”. I hate when she does this, like it’s a magical cure or something. I wish it was.

She read my blog about our last session. She wasn’t too pleased with it but she was happy I wrote it. It gave her some insight. I wasn’t in the mood to talk about it. We had spent nearly two sessions on Hyde and I really didn’t want a third. We did talk about my suicidality a bit. I didn’t give details. She kept asking for them and I deferred. She doesn’t need to know what my plan is. It’s not going to kill me anyway, and I keep thinking, magically, that it will. I just want oblivion and hopefully it will happen.

I woke up exhausted. Dealing with pain all weekend just totally wiped me out. It was a much warmer day today (55 degrees) and it killed me to stay inside but I too tired to get dressed. Too tired to do anything that would make going out happen. I was really cold after my session. I needed a nap. So I tried to take one and I couldn’t fall asleep. I called my father’s doctor to set up an appointment with him. The secretary called back with a number I didn’t recognize so I let it go to voicemail. I had to call again. Drives me nuts.

I didn’t tell my therapist about my financial stress that I am under. I meant to, but I just couldn’t. I feel like a failure because of this stress. I haven’t even talked to my sister about it. The shame it’s bringing me is great, almost to suicidal proportions. I just cannot fathom how I am going to pay this money when I get only three thousand dollars more a year than what I owe. And it’s seriously going to take some budgeting to save at least half what I owe. I don’t know if I can do it on my income.

Because I didn’t go out today, I didn’t start my research. I might have to start on Thursday. Tomorrow I got to deal with my father and his meds. I have to go in the afternoon and he isn’t going to like it but oh well. It’s the only time I can come by as I have therapy around noon.

Oblivion

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Oblivion

“What I had began to discover is that, mysteriously and in ways that are totally remote from normal experience, the gray drizzle of horror induced by depression takes on the quality of physical pain. But it is not an immediately identifiable pain, like that of a broke limb. It maybe more accurate to say that despair, owing to some evil trick played upon the sick brain by inhibiting psyche, comes to resemble the diabolical discomfort of being imprisoned in a fiercely overheated room. And because no breeze stirs this cauldron, because there is no escape from this smothering confinement, it is entirely natural that the victim begins to think ceaselessly of oblivion”. William Styron, taken from Nights Fall Fast, p106

In my last blog, a blog reader was concerned about my last three sentences. This is the best description I could come up with to describe what I am feeling.

Today I read Harry Potter while my sister had my laptop. I did a lot of reading while I wasn’t in possession of my computer. It was the first time that I didn’t dissociate while I did so. I feel better about reading the Harry Potter book now.

I don’t know why before 1900, I become so sleepy. But I know that if I take a nap, I usually end up staying up half the night because I can’t go back to sleep. So I stay up and usually before 2100, I take my night meds, which then wake me up and keep me up. I also usually take my pain meds to help with sleep but tonight I am not having that luxury. I got things on my mind. One of which is the song “Girl Crush”.

I don’t listen to country music radio that often anymore because I am home and not in a car. I do have a radio, but I like listening to my MP3 songs and to albums rather than individual songs. I didn’t know they pulled “Girl Crush” off the radio because of some close-minded people thinking a song about jealousy is a lesbian song because of the line “I want to kiss her lips”. It’s ridiculous. I am also pissed off because my phone is homophobic. While I was typing “lesbian” autocorrect thought I meant “lessons”. I read what I write 95% of the time to correct these stupid mistakes. I don’t know what to do about making my phone a little more open minded. It rejects the pride flag during updates. I haven’t figured out why it does this. But it’s a bitch to fix. Now I have a black background because it is nice against white writing. The phone seems fine with this and hasn’t changed it to its default background, yet.

I guess Australia is having a suicide prevention convention as I have seen some stuff that is interesting. They showed their safety planning which I have attached to this blog. It’s a good form and I encourage anyone who is suicidal to bring it to their therapists to use for their safety. If your therapist is not open to this and just uses a “promise” for contracts, they are in the wrong. Or a “no-harm” contract. If you end up killing yourself, these contracts won’t hold up in court but the safety planning paper might. It’s a better document, in my opinion. The first is a pic of what it looks like the second is the PDF for easier printing.

I had to stop listening to all my music because I was skipping more songs than listening. So I put on a playlist. I need Eric Church so I might be playing his album before bed. I am going to do some more reading on “Night falls Fast”.

safetyplanning.jpg

SAFETY_PLAN_form_8.21.12

The Oblivion I Need

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My laptop was used by my sister most of the afternoon so I wasn’t able to write at my regular time. I thought my mother was going to make chicken cutlets for supper and she made a fried rice dish, using all MY rice because she didn’t have hers. The dish was awful because she put garlic in with the rest of the soy sauce, onions, and peppers. It was salty because she used my garden vegetable rice rather than my Jasmine. I am not upset about the rice. I am just mad because I was looking forward to cutlets and didn’t get any.

The heat must be on 90 degrees to heat the house in this cold snap we are having. It’s 75 degrees in my room, much too warm for me so I have the ceiling fan going. It’s helping with air circulation and I am not as congested as I was. Soon as I feel cold, I will shut it off.

While my laptop was being used, I read some more of Harry Potter. I didn’t dissociate this time, which is good. I also read some more of “Night Falls Fast” and highlighted some more text. When I am done reading the book, I plan on writing out the highlighted parts in a notebook so I can possibly use them for quotes. I miss writing quotes on my blog.

I wasn’t feeling good this morning. I had woken up around 0630 in pain. I went to the bathroom and then took some pain meds. I slept for most of the day. The good news is the Neurontin I took last night took away some of the pain I was feeling in my left ankle/foot. The bad news was the pain I felt this morning was in my right leg. I think I might have done something to the calf muscle because when I was massaging it, I could feel knots in the muscle. I know it’s probably from overuse as it is my main support while walking.

I need to take a shower. I plan on taking it before bed. I got some frosting on my shirt when I was eating cake earlier today. I figure I need to change clothes anyways when I shower so might as well. I don’t want to but now I need to.

In the book, “Night Falls Fast”, Jamison described how feeling despair and hopeless can lead to a suicide and also that there might be a life changing event before it happens (divorce, job loss/unemployment, break up of a relationship, etc.) I thought about these things with my own thoughts of death, and none of that is true. Though when I lost work, I ended up back in the hospital. The social worker I was working with went over the risk factors for suicide and I had them all. I was unemployed, in financial crisis, and had no friends anymore. My discharge had already been set and I thought all these factors would hold me to more time in the hospital. Any caring person would have held me further, but nope, it didn’t happen. I was set free.

I have my plan in place. I have a date. I will seek the oblivion I need.

Pain and its Awareness

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, mood disorders, suicide

Pain and its Awareness

Pain in my ankle just hit a new level. I have been resting the last couple of hours in my bed. Just listening to music, reading Twitter and Facebook. Not really doing anything. And then I move my ankle just a little bit to get a little more comfy on the bed, and WHAM! I get hit with pain. And for some reason, I am wondering why it seems I can always feel my left ankle but my right, never a peep. I don’t even know it’s there most days. I know it’s attached and all, but I don’t feel it like I do my left. My left is constantly hurting and I am more aware of it than any other body part. I just find it a little lopsided. I try not to favor my limbs, but with this level of pain, it’s hard not to.

I am glad only one body part is affected. I can try to be more aware of my good ankle and notice that it is not bothering me. I wish my left would get the fucking hint and be like the right. But the left has been injured more than the right has. Suffering from a sprained ankle when you have foot drop is not a good thing. I have never recovered from it. See, before I went to the big hospital in Boston, I went to a smaller one outside of Boston because it was closer. I thought it was a good hospital. I couldn’t have been more wrong. So after basically doping me up and sending me on my way with no treatment or precautions if things got worse, I was wheeled to my friend’s car. It had started snowing and I couldn’t stand on my left side without pain. I fell and my ankle rolled. I should have known something was seriously wrong because I went one way and my ankle went the other. I didn’t feel a damn thing. I should have been smarting more than my back and leg pain. But nope. Not a thing. It wasn’t until two weeks later when I got feeling back in my leg after surgery that the sprain pain began. I was relearning to walk and my ankle hurt like a bastard. In the fall, I also sustained a nice bruise on the side that I fell on. I didn’t feel that either because I was numb. I thought it was the result of surgery as I had bruises everywhere.

Because I had foot drop and they were rushing me to get me on my feet, the sprain never healed correctly. This is all in hindsight. I didn’t know that the sprain would haunt me 12 years later and give me a pain syndrome. Course it didn’t help that I re-sprained it a year before the syndrome decided to take hold of my ankle. I remember thinking, during the day, that I was in a lot of pain. I almost always have my pain at night. It almost never happens during the day, but syndromes don’t care what time of day it is. It’s going to hurt you whether you are awake or in a deep sleep.

Once I noticed that this pain was different or possibly the start of something worse going on with my back, I got checked out. I must have seen 15 different doctors of different specialties and no one could figure out what was wrong with my ankle. They still don’t. Three have told me that I have CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. They were two physiatrists and my neurologist. But did my PCP believe them? No. He just kept sending me off to new doctors to see what was going on, to get me better. I don’t think I am ever going to be better. I don’t think I can recover from this much damage. And that is ok as long as I get my pain meds or the PCP is going to sign my death certificate. I don’t abuse my meds nor will I try to end my life on them. I am too fearful of the Tylenol content to wreck my liver before killing me to try and go that way. Besides, who needs pills when I have a rope?