Tag: cauda equina syndrome

PT and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, writing

Seen my physiatrist (muscle and bone doctor) today. He said that the physical therapy that I was doing was not going to help, nor what he wanted. He wants me to come to his site so I agreed. He wants some kind of steroid ultrasound done on my ankle and then after 4 weeks of this, I start aqua therapy. Fun. I just hope I can go in with a t-shirt and swim trunks because I do not have a tank top or other “female” bathing suit.

I feel lousy but not as bad as I was yesterday. I just had a sneeze session so I am feeling worn out, especially after the morning activities. I canceled my eye appointment yesterday afternoon and rescheduled it for after Thanksgiving. I just hope that I will have a copay for them when the time comes. Their new policy to pay them after every visit. I can get billed but I didn’t pay my last bill because I don’t have the money for it. I think copays are a waste of money anyways. But I got two weeks to worry about it.

My mood has been okay for the past twenty-four hours and I think my pain is better too, though it is throbbing right now. I had to go to the first floor to heat up some chili for lunch. Our microwave has been broken the last few months so we need to go the my sister’s apt if we need to use the microwave. Sucks but it’s better than heating on the stove!

Throat is still hurting me, though I think it is because of the sneeze attack I had a few minutes ago. I really hope my mood stays stable today. It will really suck if it doesn’t.

Got some good news today. People who are at elevated risk of suicide can participate in research without increasing their suicide risk, according to the authors of a recent study. I love this! This may improve the quality of care that more people can now participate in research studies and get the help that they need.

I don’t have any therapy until Tuesday. That is good, I think. I am hoping to continue with 2x a week. Course, this all depends on how well my suicidality is. The more I am suicidal, the more sessions I get. It is better than going in the hospital.

My suicidality has been low the past few weeks, though I still wouldn’t mind dying. I just feel like I have no purpose in my life and that I don’t do anything worthwhile. I don’t even know if my blogs help anyone because nobody comments on them anymore. I keep writing, though, because it helps me to write. I know I might not help anyone or if I do, they don’t tell me and that is okay. But not having feedback day in and day out kind of sucks. So if you are reading this and want to comment, please do so, if you are inclined, so that I know someone read the last sentence of this blog.

Missed Opportunity

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Missed opportunity

I had the chance today to meet one of my favorite DJ’s at my local grocery store but I don’t feel well and it’s freezing out, like 28 with a windchill of 18 degrees. I woke up with my sinuses and throat hurting me at 0500. It already has been a long day. I really want to meet her but I am also afraid to meet her as I always have problems talking with female celebrities. Last thing I want to appear is like an idiot. When I met Teryl Rothery, I talked ok and then I got really stupid. Not one of my finer moments. Since then I have been afraid of meeting my idols. This DJ is my favorite because she has a great personality. I have loved her since first hearing her many years ago when Boston had just one country music station. They have been in Boston for more than 20 years now. I remember when she had to go on maternity leave, I was sad because I didn’t get to hear her on the radio but I was happy that she had a healthy child. She has the on-demand lunch where you call in songs. I never was able to get through but I once tweeted my song and she said she would play it. And one time she shouted out my name on the radio when I told her some news about a country artist that was coming to town. We are Twitter buddies. That is why I feel so bad not going. I feel silly as the clock is ticking but I really don’t feel like getting dressed to face the cold and a bus to meet someone I might be an idiot in front of. I know there might be another chance to meet her. Hopefully on a warmer day!

Had therapy today. We talked about nothing particular except my damn father. Just when I think I have a break from him, I don’t. I had to deal with him on the phone today. I really am thinking I should just brace myself for dealing with him every day and then when there is a day I don’t, I can celebrate.

I don’t know what else there was to talk about in therapy today. We briefly talked about how my bowels are still making me depressed but didn’t go in grave detail about it. The weird thing is that I feel we should have been talking about something other than my father, but he takes so much energy from me that I just let her talk about how many spoons I lose in dealing with him. We also talked briefly about how I am not psychotic. She was/is shocked that I haven’t had a psychotic break in dealing with my father. Though at this point, I think my obsession with Taylor Swift’s 1989 is becoming psychotic. I stopped listening to the songs while I went downstairs to see if dinner was ready and I started singing one of Taylor’s songs. I was dancing while I was mouthing the words to my mother. She thought I was nuts. I don’t remember what song it was. I just know that if I am not listening to music, the songs are playing in my head. I did take a break from listening to 1989 yesterday. But I listened to “just Taylor” playlist because I had to listen to “Love Story”. I have to listen to that song at least once a day and I hadn’t had my fix since purchasing 1989. I just love this album!

My therapist doesn’t know about the repetitiveness of the songs, yet. If I had a CD or cassette tapes, it would have been worn out by now. I don’t think I can have a psychotic break while taking my meds. Least I hope not. I know I am taking a chance taking it every other day but I seem to be doing well and have less side effects with this regimen. I wish my pdoc would have written back to me when I told her this. I really would like her feedback on it. But she is recuperating from a broken hip. I don’t know when I am going to see her again. It is so weird not seeing her every other week. I just emailed her to see how she is doing. Hopefully, she will reply.

I am glad I am not struggling too much with my mood lately. I still haven’t had a chance to go to Starbucks and write the book that I am working on. I just sit and journal when I do go. I keep forgetting the notes that I have to prompt me to write. I could do that while I am on my bed but I rather it be in a coffeehouse because it gets me out of the house. And away from distractions such as Twitter and Facebook! I have been trying to finish this blog for the past twenty minutes but keep getting distracted with FB notifications. FOCUS! OK.

My mother normally doesn’t have the heat on except if it is cold like it is today. Which is bad for me because I am freaking hot in my flannel PJs under my comforter! I am tempted to turn on the ceiling fan because I am so hot. My heat system is either wicked hot or not at all. I hate it.

Wet day

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging

Had a long day today. Spent about 3 hours in the hospital with my father for his appointments. At one point I thought I lost him in his language because the front desk ordered an interpreter when we were almost done with the second appointment. But I didn’t. Sometimes when my father starts talking in his native tongue he loses his ability to speak English afterwards. I am guessing it is an age thing. I am fearful that eventually he will only speak his native tongue when he gets older and then we won’t be able to understand him. It will be really sad.

Because snow was “predicted”, I wore boots today. Big mistake. It never snowed and the boots caused my foot to swell. My ankle and foot hate me right now. I am in mega pain. But I think my pain meds have kicked in as I am feeling woozy. I really don’t know what else would be causing me to feel dizzy right now. I could be dehydrated as I only drank a little of Vitamin water and my 20 oz mocha this morning. I didn’t want to have to go to the bathroom as I wore a diaper today. I am glad I did because I had a messy fart. I am so glad I wore them today as I had a feeling I was going to have an accident. I don’t know why if I am out of the house for more than 4 hours, my bladder and/or bowels act up. It drives me crazy.

After the appointments with my father, I went to Starbucks to wait for a friend for coffee. But he canceled on me because the weather is so yucky out. So I sat and wrote a little bit in my journal. Then I got antsy and got on the next bus. I had to get out of the boots and jeans I was in. I can’t stand being in jeans for a long time anymore. I don’t know if it is because they are tight on me now or if I just got used to wearing my PJs all the time, or what. I am so glad I don’t have to go out tomorrow.

I have listened to 1989 since I bought the album on the 13th. I haven’t listened to ANY other song except for those on this album. I am so addicted to Taylor’s album that I can’t stop. I even bought Jason Aldean’s new song “Burn it down” but have not listened to it on my phone. I just can’t stop listening to 1989. I have to know every song lyric by lyric. And now I find myself dancing to songs that I really like, which is at least 10 of the 13 songs. The only song I am having trouble learning the lyrics to is “This Love”. For some reason, it just isn’t clicking with me. If I am not playing 1989 on my phone, I am playing it on WMP. Yes, I transferred the files to my laptop. I am planning on making a CD for my niece but there is one song that I don’t think is appropriate for her. I will have to discuss it with her mother.

I guess I have been listening to 1989 non-stop because it makes me feel good listening to the music. If I am not playing the songs, I will be “singing” them in my head and I will have to hear the music. I have never been this addicted to music like I have this album.

Even though I crapped myself today, for the first time I didn’t get upset about it like I usually do. I guess because the diaper caught it I felt safer about it. I know that if I was wearing underwear I would be more upset because it happened while I was out and about. I still have trouble knowing if I am farting air or stool. It sucks when your senses are gone. So don’t take for granted of this sense!! Just like don’t for granted walking. People don’t realize how much goes into walking until you get cauda equina syndrome. And learning to walk again becomes an ordeal.

Pill boxes and writing

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, depression, suicidality, writing

Just finished filling the pill box for the week. Because I take pills in the morning and evening, I had two to fill. Usually, I just fill one and the other is just take what I want or remember to. I take at least 10 pills at night, not counting my pain pills or PRNs. I don’t know if they help my mood lately but I take them anyway.

I tried writing today. I got a little done, changed a few paragraphs/sentences. But didn’t write anything new. I don’t know what my problem is. The stuff is there, but it just won’t come out. Maybe I am thinking too hard. I don’t know. But I got to get some writing done soon. 2015 is around the corner and I would like to get at least 50 pages done by mid year. Right now I don’t have squat.

I made my coffee wrong this morning. It is way too strong. I don’t understand how I did it as I used the same coffee/water ratio. I drank only a quarter of a cup. It was all that I could stomach. Totally put a dent in my day as I was so looking forward to a nice cup of coffee today. But I knew if I forced myself to drink it all or most of it, I would pay with severe anxiety later on today. But the little I had, took the cobwebs out of my head.

Tomorrow I am getting out the house, even if it kills me. I need to go to Starbucks. I think a change of scenery might be what I need to write what I need to. And unlike my writing partner, I am not bent on page limits or time. She writes at least three pages a day on something and maybe spends an hour or two working on it. I don’t have those restrictions. So why do I have such difficulty writing?? I think it might be that I don’t really want to do it. I have no direction so I don’t know what avenue to write and I don’t want to write one way and then my partner says, no, go this way. Course it is all a matter of interpretation. It is just so frustrating because she is not working on the book right now and I rather have something for when the depression hits and I can’t do shit. It takes a real effort to try and write when I am feeling unmotivated and depressed. That is why my book so long took a year to write. I don’t want the same thing happening to this book.

I guess I should move some shit around my room so my brother-in-law can take my AC out of my room before it starts to rain again. I hear there is supposed to be snow this week so I need to get it out. Sucks having a depression that doesn’t make you want to do things. But mostly it has been my pain levels lately that have determined what I do and don’t do. Which is why my writing is so important to me. If I can’t do anything else, least I can write, but that hasn’t been the case. And it is driving me crazy.