Tag: cauda equina syndrome

There’s nothing magical about writing…

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

“There’s nothing magic about writing; it’s a learned skill”.—Tom Young

I got this quote from a writer’s tip twitter follower. I thought it was poignant as my therapist thinks that I have these skills as writer. She is in awe of my writing. Some times, I have to admit, that I am in awe myself. But writing, I guess, has always come naturally to me. In recent months, all I needed was a phrase to go on. For example, my writing buddy gave me the phrase, “write the pain” and I went off with it and it was a nice piece of writing. I am thinking of collecting these blogs and publishing them into a book. I think they would be a nice short story collection for my next book. But first I need to publish my first book before I start thinking about my second one.

I got a message from my editor that today she will be off as she will be spending time with her family. I just hope when she starts work tomorrow, I am on the list. I am so sick of waiting for her services to start. I know I should start looking for another editor but I don’t have the greenbacks nor would I know where to look. Definitely, not on FB again. And the editors in my area are pretty pricey, like thousands of dollars as they go by word. It would cost me like $50,000 to see my book edited. I don’t have that kind of money, nor should I think that I should pay per word. I think I am just stuck waiting for this editor because I don’t have the back bone to go to her and tell her I need my book edited NOW or I want my money back. I even had a dream where I did this but unfortunately, I woke up before I could see the response. LOL. I am paid in full for services so I don’t know why she is taking so friggin long. I just am so frustrated waiting. It’s like half my life is spent just waiting for people. I have to have gotten my patience back because otherwise I think I would have said something by now. All I do know is that she better be damn good for me to wait this long.

I know for the past few weeks all I have been writing about is my book, but it’s such a big part of what is going on with me right now and it has produced stress for me. And writing about it has helped with my anxiety level.

Today I got a haircut, after two months of not seeing barber. I also dropped off my prescription, only to be told that the doctor needs to change it because they no longer carry the 1 mg pills. I am so annoyed by this. I am glad I am not completely out of my meds but I will if this doesn’t get resolved. I have a few days at best. My doctor is usually good at filling my prescription fast so I am not worried. After this, I decided to go back out and get a mocha. I did some writing at Starbucks. I wrote a letter to my therapist and journaled a little bit. Then it was time to head back home. I got my mother a couple dozen eggs and got myself turkey bacon. I have been craving turkey bacon for a while. I was going to have it tonight for supper but my mother made a type of broccoli soup so I had that instead. I don’t think I could have made the bacon anyways as my ankle has been taxed enough for today. It already became stiff when I started going down the stairs to check for mail. Every time I think I can rejoin the workforce, I have a setback. Tomorrow I have to see my neurologist. That appointment is going to be a waste of time. My neuro has gone holistic on me so is not medically based. But I like her and will humor her as she explains the benefits of chair yoga and the like. She should be a life coach as she tries to incorporate healthy living skills during our appointments. Only doctor I know that does this. But then my doctors are a funny bunch. I have to tell her about the thigh pain that I have been having. I think one of my discs have shifted right as I am getting pain down my right thigh. Usually, all my pain is on my left side, so it is quite unusual to have it on my right. I hope it’s nothing too serious. Because if I get CES again, I will kill myself. I am not going to go through surgery again. I will never be able to work again as I will need a fusion. And so far everyone that I know that has had one, never was able to work again in the capacity they had before surgery. It scares me to think that I might have to have surgery again because my whole lumbar spine is fucked up. I have my L2/L3 verterbraes overlapping one another instead of being in a line and the other discs are all herniated. My L5/S1 is herniated so much it touches my nerve root. But they don’t want to do anything about it. I guess as long as it is not compressing the nerve, I am okay and I am okay with that. I haven’t noticed any weakness in my leg, just radiating pain on occasion, nothing constant. That is a good sign but it is worth mentioning just the same. It has been a while since my last MRI. I don’t even remember when I had it done last. Probably in 2010 or 2009 when my ankle was flaring up big time and we were thinking it was coming from the back. The only thing that sucks is that there was no contrast injected because I am a hard stick. I tried to stay hydrated enough so I could get stuck but the technician couldn’t find a vein good enough for the IV contrast. It sucks having to get stuck but it’s important because the contrast shows the difference between new stuff and old stuff.

Luna’s Gone

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain

Luna’s Gone

I have had this song stuck in my head for most of the day. It is a song by Mary Chapin Carpenter on her Between here and gone CD. I was listening to this CD the other night. Her music is so soothing to me.

Having a rough day. Had to deal with my mother that woke me from a sound sleep so I could put on compression stockings on her. Not a good thing when you only got crap sleep to begin with. I am still pissed and I think she overrided my Tivo to not record one of my shows. I will be very upset and she will hear about it. I hate when she doesn’t let me record my shows. I pay for the damn cable dammit. But I am so sleep deprived, I don’t want to go downstairs and see if she did or not. I don’t have the energy to explode on her.

I have been in pain most of the day. It has been hard walking around because I am having problems putting weight on my foot. It doesn’t like it. And it is the same pain that I have been experiencing last night. My last three toes on my left foot have just exploded and hurt very badly. My big toes feels like someone is trying to cram it into something or make it shorter than what it is. I just know that I am in mega pain and I am not happy about it. My big toe really feels like some one is trying to snip it off too. I love these weird sensations that I get. Got to love nerve damage, NOT.

I figured out that my foot weakness is part of the problem. If I try and work my ankle/foot into normal moves, it becomes fatigued and then it starts hurting. The longer I try to keep my foot in a certain position, the more fatigued it gets and the more I hurt. I don’t even realize I am doing anything out of the ordinary because don’t all people keep their foot in a flexed position while walking or sitting? I think they do. I can’t seem to keep my feet flat on the ground like you are supposed to, mostly because I am short and the chair makes my foot dangle. Anyways, whenever I try and keep my foot in that upward position, my pain goes through the roof. It is not right away, because what fun would that be. It has to come out right before I want to go to sleep.

Last night I only slept for about 45 minutes to an hour when I had a strange, disturbing dream. I dreamt that someone had left me a comment on my blog telling me to kill myself and how to do it. The weird part of it was that it was in my handwriting. Creepy. And it scared me. I told my therapist about it tonight and she doesn’t know what to make of it. So much for dream analysis. She is getting worried because the dream process was so quick. Normally you need at least ninety minutes to reach REM sleep. I am achieving it in less than that time frame. When I see my psychiatrist next week, I will bring it up. Maybe I need to see a sleep specialist or something. I already have trouble sleeping but it’s not because of insomnia or overthinking. It is because of fricken pain. And this pain is just so bad I really just want to chop my foot off. But I don’t know if the pain is what is causing my sleep to be so disorganized. I really don’t know. Sometimes I can’t sleep because I have to write something. I have to either physically or electronically write something to “calm down”. And then once it is out of my system, I can go to sleep. My sleep pattern has been the same for the past three weeks. I sleep in three to four hour stints. It is rare that I sleep continuously straight for six hours or more. I am hoping I sleep at least six hours tonight as I am really tired.

bad day: stuff you don’t talk about

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression

I have been in a rotten mood all day. Started when my bowels woke me up and I wasn’t happy about that. I don’t know if I caught a virus or something was upsetting my stomach but man I just made it. And having CES I was lucky to make it. Usually I am safe when I have hard stools, which they were. I did go an hour later again and it was softer stool. Luckily I was already in the bathroom because I had to pee. So my day started at four in the morning because of this. I have been trying to get back to sleep but either the phone kept ringing or I was getting text messages. I am very tired and though I have shut off the phone and laid down for an hour or so, I didn’t sleep. I talk about this stuff not because I want the world to know my bathroom issues but because no one talks about life after CES. People think that you are normal because you “look” normal and that is just not the case. Sure I was lucky that I didn’t poop my pants today but I could have and it would have really sucked. Normal people don’t think about these things. Sure they might be constipated or have irritable bowel but with CES the nerves that tell you to go are affected. I was lucky I had some warning with bowel cramps (which is what woke me up). But I didn’t expect that to happen at four in the morning. Even if it was four in the evening, I still would have trouble deciding if I was going to go now or later. With CES, you never know when you are going to go. And it’s tough living this way. And because my bowels were unpredictable, it meant I couldn’t leave the house like I wanted to do today. So I figured why bother taking a shower as I wasn’t going out. I will just stay stinky. The depression surrounding this is great. I don’t talk about it much on my blog but I am today because it makes me sad that I can’t do the stuff I normally can. No I didn’t have an accident but I could have. And that scares me. I try very hard to keep myself regular but it’s not always easy.

I think the reason for me not sleeping, other than my ankle deciding to act up, is because I am itching to install the Dragon Naturally Speaking software. Only problem is I am not motivated to actually do it. I have no motivation at all today, not even taking a shower. And I need one really bad as the last time I showered was Friday. I might do it tonight before going to bed. My therapist said that is my goal for the day. I kind of want but don’t want a session tomorrow but my stress levels have been enormous since dealing with my father. Then my mother calls and wants me to go to Walgreens to pick up their paper and check the price of their eggs. Screw that. I am not going out today because my bowels are unpredictable. But I can’t tell her that. I really don’t feel well so I will go with that.

I sent an email to my support group about the “lovely” day I have been having and someone wants me to take fiber. Sorry I already do. I just got a score of fiber pills on Amazon. Normally these pills run like 11-15 bucks for one bottle. I got two for the price of 11 bucks. SCORE. I really need help with regulating my bowels. I will be the first to admit it because I don’t eat right and unfortunately I don’t cook. Even if I were to buy vegetables my mother would boil the crap out of them rather than steam them so they are healthier. I swear my mother got some Irish in her because she boils just about anything or fries it. She once boiled Roman lettuce. She said it was good. I took her word for it. But I don’t eat a lot of veggies. I mostly like pizza and burgers and the occasional Thai food that I buy. I also eat a lot of cereal. I find that it helps my appetite and keeps my weight down, which is good because I need to lose weight. I lost six pounds this month and I think it is because I have been eating cereal. I will occasionally make pancakes or fry an egg but I will have cereal mostly. That is the gist of my cooking skills. I tried to make Hawaiian chicken in the crock pot last week and it came out ok but the chicken was dry. I think I overcooked it.

So I have done nothing today. I haven’t looked at my book or any books today. I haven’t written in my journal. Just did nothing but stay in bed, when I wasn’t running to the bathroom.

constant physical pain makes me depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I am up early yet again. I just can’t sleep more than eight hours anymore. I sleep six hours and then I am up. My foot is hurting so I guess I should take something for it before it gets worse. I already went downstairs twice for bathroom reasons. My ankle didn’t appreciate that at all. I don’t know why it is so stiff today. But then today is going to snow so that might have something to do with it. Seems every week there is some snow going on. I can’t wait for it to stop. It makes walking very difficult, especially when people don’t shovel their walk. Drives me crazy. Then you have to walk in the street and the cars get mad at you.

I am thinking of changing my “about me” blog to just living in chronic pain and having suicidal urges. I realize that is all I write about. Sure there might be a few blogs just about my depression but most of it starts with me being in physical pain. I am in constant physical pain and it makes me depressed and often times suicidal more so than my depression alone. But now that I have the pain managed to a good degree, I am less depressed about it. But I still think that I should maybe add that I also suffer from chronic physical pain.

Yesterday when I went to pick up my prescription, I was asked for the first time what my diagnosis was. I had heard people tell me that pharmacists now need a diagnosis in order to process but it never happened to me before now. Funny on my main pain medication they didn’t ask me for a diagnosis but the one I take for break through pain they did. Very weird.

It’s Sunday and I hope there is a televised spring training game for the Sox playing today. I miss baseball so much. It is the one thing that I can watch without getting bored.

It’s almost seven in the morning. I have no idea what I am going to do today. It’s cold out and is supposed to snow so I guess I will just stay inside. Monday I have my appointment with my pdoc so I will be out of the house. I don’t think I will be getting a latte anymore as the last two that I have had, has given me the jitters. This sucks. I guess I am back to drinking coffee. Sad thing is that there is no new Clover coffees that I like or are interested in. I still want to try the Mexican coffee. Maybe I will tomorrow. Their sun-dried Ethiopian coffee I didn’t like. It had a very weird aftertaste. I don’t like it when coffee has an aftertaste.

I still have depression, though it seems to be lessening as I can now type without it bothering me cognitively. I hope this continues because I would like to work on my short story this week and maybe my blurb for my book.