Tag: chronic pain

It’s Pain O’Clock

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s Pain O’Clock

Pain started around 2015 and has slowly increased. I took a pain pill about an hour ago, just to be able to stand long enough to take my night time meds. Because I didn’t fill my pill box today, it was hodgepodge night. I just take what I want and not the whole kit and caboodle. I will try and fill the box tomorrow morning when hopefully, my pain levels are lower. I hope I have a good night’s sleep. I can never know if I am going to wake up between 4-8 AM. Today I slept till almost 0800, which is highly unusual for me. But pain woke me up, actually, it was more my bladder, but I was still in pain. My right leg has been hurting all day, from hip to toes. I almost never have pain in my right leg. I think because I am a side sleeper and hadn’t moved for more than four hours, I was in pain. I am hoping the pain meds take care of that and my left foot pain. Right now it feels like someone is hammering my metatarsals. Just the last three. I think I would hit the roof if it was all five.

I have noticed that since taking the vitamin D again, my mood has changed, for the better. I still think about suicide, but the depression is not as heavy as it once was. I can breathe a little better, though I have been having awful anxiety with this pain flare up I have been having. I tend to breathe faster than I should and my heart is palpating. I have to take deep breaths to slow things down. I don’t know why I am so anxious with pain. I know it’s not going to kill me, though I am always in danger of attempting, or cutting. I still have it in my head that if I just cut the swelling, maybe I will be in less pain, that if the fluid is released, I will be fine. There is NO proof this will happen. I might just make things worse. And if I cut to the point of stitches, that will be a problem.

In two days I see my doc. I hope that he can give me something that will help my mental state. I can deal with the physical pain with medication. But I just want to figure out why the hell I have hammers hammering my bones! And why I sometimes feel a crushing sensation all along the edge of my foot. I haven’t been really active the last week and I have been in horrible pain. I see him in the morning and that is not going to be good. I wish I could see him at eight in the evening when the pain starts to flare up all the time, every single night. I am not going to be in horrendous pain at 0930 in the morning. I will have to stop my pain meds entirely the next few days if I want that to happen. I don’t want to go through that because I just got the pain under control again. I might have done the stairs a little bit too much today. I wish I could do a drawing of my foot and show you where it hurts the most. But I am not creative that way and I have no idea what program/app to use to make it. I don’t even know how to make a meme. I just am not a creative person when it comes to stuff like that.

I hope he won’t be mad that I stopped going to PT. I hated going because it just brought me more pain. And I could never remember the damn exercises the PT gave me, even though she gave me sheets on the exercises. I have too many things going on in my brain and so I just couldn’t retain what I was being taught. After my last session with her, my foot exploded and I barely made it home. So if he should tell me I need to go back, I just am not going to. The pain is just too complex at this point. What I would like is an MRI of my ankle and foot to see if there are any changes since my last one.

As far as meds go, I don’t think he will prescribe me another pain med. The NSAID hasn’t worked out as well as I was hoping it to. That would be the only change I could see happening. The baclofen has helped, though it doesn’t help all spasms. It has helped ease the tightness that I had surrounding my ankle and calf area. But it hasn’t helped the back spasms or hip pain that I have been experiencing. I am going to tell him about my hip and see if he can do something about that. My PCP hasn’t been too worried about it but this has been going on for more than eight months now. Today I was sweeping the floor and it caused my hip to flare up. I could barely stand afterwards. And it still is hurting me. It’s odd because it hasn’t bothered me in a few weeks and now with me sleeping on it, it flared up again. I know it is still weak from my surgeries. And I haven’t strengthened it since I pulled it out back in December. I sneezed and my back went out. My hip muscle is what hurts the most and I just can’t seem to stretch it enough to get it loose. It sucks. All the exercises that I have learned to deal with it haven’t helped at all. Course I don’t know what muscle it is that I have pulled so that kind of sucks. Knowing my luck, my hip will be fine come Tuesday morning.

Saturday Blog 26

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Saturday Blog 26

I had a rough night of pain. I didn’t sleep well. I spent the day just resting my ankle as I really didn’t want to make it hurt again. The pain and swelling had really gotten bad. So I stay in and only went downstairs to stuff my face and use the bathroom. I plan on taking a shower soon. I think it will relax me. I haven’t taken a pain pill all day, so that is good. I will probably take a couple tonight just so I can sleep without worrying about pain creeping up. I plan on doing the same thing tomorrow.

I watched “Gone with the Wind” after the baseball game. I never knew how much Scarlett was a two faced bitch. But then, that is what the character is. I couldn’t bare to watch the end as I know the child dies and wrecks the marriage even further with Rhett Butler. It’s just sad.

I wrote a distressing status on Facebook last night. I think it was like three in the morning when I woke up in pain again. I was pissed and hurting. I didn’t get any responses, none even in the morning. Only response I got was about posting that I was watching the movie and that was a cruel friend of mine calling me a racist. That really pissed me off. I should unfriend her as I am tired of her jokes. This is the first time she has called me a racist. I don’t care if it is in jest. You don’t call people that unless they truly are and I don’t think I am. I have never been prejudiced against another person for the race, religion, or creed. I don’t know how to hate a person for these things. I do hate a person if they are an asshole or not. You can be an asshole of any color, religion, or creed. Half the senators running for president are, well, they are more brainless than most people. How they got elected to their positions I will never know. Nor do I care to know. I just hope the country has sense not to make them president or this country will be a cesspool more than it already is.

Last night I was editing as I felt up to it. It was once of the few activities that I could do without moving too much. Half of what I wrote is getting tossed out. My therapist might disagree with me but I am the one writing this thing, not her. The stuff I am tossing out are the blog posts that aren’t really dealing with mental illness at all. It is just a blog post of how my day went. I don’t know what made me think that it would be good in a short story when there is no story or theme or even connecting points. I wrote a blog about coffee and therapy and it was more about how I drink my coffee than it was about therapy. That is when I started questioning what I was writing. Maybe I shouldn’t come out with a second book. My writing doesn’t seem to want to cooperate with me anyway. Not like I can write on demand, I can’t. But I should be able to be creative enough to write something about mental illness.

The Boston fireworks are going off. Big bangs are being heard. I hate noise like that. Sounds like bombs going off. It scares me. There also seem to be helicopters flying in the area. That almost never happens. I know they were having some flyovers with some military jets but I didn’t get the memo about helicopters. Just weird. Maybe they are filming the fireworks. I don’t know. I lost interest in the works when I was a kid. I used to love 4th of July but then things changed after I lost my hearing in one of my ears. It wasn’t appealing to me anymore.

I heard there is a case in Belgium where a 24 year-old was granted the right to die because she is depressed. It will be, I think, assisted suicide. She apparently wanted to die since the age of six. In the story, it told of her wanting to kill herself with a pistol. I didn’t think a child that age could have those kind of thoughts. I started having thoughts of dying when I was eight. But I had an abused childhood. The article didn’t say if this girl was abused or not, or even go into specifics on why she wanted to die. Only that she was granted the right after being committed for two years. I have mixed feelings about this. She thinks she is a hopeless case, but all depressed people think that. I even think that. I know that if I went to my psychiatrist and told her she had to help me kill myself because I was hopeless, I would be committed too. I guess the laws in Belgium are different than the states because a two year commitment at a hospital is unheard of these days. The article also didn’t say what kind of treatment she has had. I am curious to know only because as bad as my depressions have been, they seem to get better over time. Granted the suicidality of my condition doesn’t change. I always want to die. I just don’t act on those feelings. I don’t know why that is. Maybe I am just not desperate enough to want to die. Or my despair isn’t that great as it once was. I don’t know. I do know that I don’t want to hurt people with my death and that keeps me going, sadly.

Pre 4th

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I went to my father’s today to set his medication straight. Again his stupid doc called in a two week supply of his heart medication. I am so bullshit. I am calling on Monday and going to raise hell. This is ridiculous.

On the way home, I did something to my stomach muscles. Either that, or I developed a hernia. I am in pain if I slouch or try to straighten up. I feel like I have a line cutting into me. No one is home as they went over my cousin’s for celebrations of the 4th. Pain isn’t too bad, unless I try moving. So I am trying to stay as still as possible. I hope it goes away on its own. I can’t blame over eating as I really haven’t eaten much today. And besides, the pain came on before I had anything to eat. I don’t know what is causing the discomfort. For all I know, it could just be gas…

I came home from my father’s in pain, not only from my stomach, but my ankle, too. It’s still in flare up mode. I don’t know what it is going to take for it to calm down. I took some pain pills and then made some coffee. I think the coffee is helping me stay awake. I finished watching the “Lincoln” movie. I started watching it last night, fell asleep, watched it this morning when pain woke me up, then fell asleep again. I was determined to see it through when I came home. As usual, I cried at the end. I really think they should have stopped the movie when the South surrendered to Grant. There really was no need to see the guy die as they didn’t even show the scene where he was shot. But whatever.

I plan on doing some editing today. I have to finish it. It’s only about 15 pages so it shouldn’t take me that long to do. I am writing about psychosis so it isn’t triggering me. It’s more making me sound crazy, but that is all. I do have interesting delusions. I still need to write up the whole new one but am afraid that if I do, I will become delusional again, or my sense of reality might take a hike. It’s so tricky writing about psychosis and delusions when you still believe them. It will make a great story, but I really need to think this out and create a storyline that doesn’t affect me. I figure if I treat it as a story, it won’t affect me. But continuing to see things in the news keep the delusions alive.

I have a couple of hours before the baseball game. I don’t know if I want to watch “Gone with the Wind” or try to get caught up on Bones. I have like 6 episodes I need to watch before the new season begins. I like keeping them because if I feel like binge watching, I can do it. Though my attention span tends to only yield to one or two episodes. I used to love watching it all the time but since Hodges no longer does his crazy experiments anymore, I feel the show lost something for me.

I got a crazy idea today that I am still pondering. I want to crowdfund for suicide research. Thing is, I don’t have many contacts and I don’t know how the funding works. I would have to look into it and then seriously think if this is a go or not. The idea sounds great and I think I will get some support but will people actually fund it is the question. I don’t know if there is a time frame for this or not. I would hate to go for say 6 months and raise only $300, if I am that lucky. I would just give the money to David Jobes to fund his research for CAMS. I can’t think of any other researcher who is more deserving. Okay, I am totally biased because CAMS has helped me so much, but still. He is a suicidologist with the know how to do clinical research that will back up clinical practice. I just wish people would change their clinical behavior to this method when they actually sign up for his course. It isn’t just about continuing education units. It’s about saving lives.

Book Rant

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I scored today on Kindle with getting Dostoevsky’s works for just $1.99 and one of his short stories for $0.99. The works included his big works like the Brother’s Karamazov and Crime and Punishment. I couldn’t pass it up. I would have spent more on those two alone than just the full works. I am very happy. I just hope they are in the full version and not a half ass book. You never know with Kindle because you have to go through all the pages to see it. The first work they have is the Brothers, which is a big volume. Only thing I don’t like about the kindle, least the one that I have, is that I can’t say get to page 100 without scrolling through 100 pages. I just haven’t mastered how the thing works. It is an app, not the kindle itself. I should ask my sister how to get through the thing. But what really bothers me is that there was no title page for the entire collection. It just started with the Brothers and that was it! I guess that will be my next reading when I finish the Idiot. I love reading Fyodor!

I am in mega pain. And what is worse, is that I can’t rest tomorrow like I should. The doctor messed up my father’s pills so I need to go to the pharmacy and get it for my father. He is also out of one his medications. I misjudged how much was left in the bottle. So that is my fault. I have to put the pills in because he isn’t going to know what pills to fucking take. It is so annoying.

I don’t know why I am continuing to be on Facebook. There is so much negativity and bullshit, and you can’t get away from Memes!! Seems people can’t write their own statuses anymore, they just MEME them to death! I like Twitter for this reason. It’s original. Sure you have the memes there, too, but they aren’t in abundance like FB. Since my game ended, I have been bored silly. I guess that is why I am writing and reading more. Though even though I do have the time to read, I haven’t finished that many books this year. I have completed maybe three? I should start a spreadsheet on when I start a book and when I finish it. Goodreads was ok, but it doesn’t really give you a start date. It generally thinks you start reading the day you entered the book, which might not be accurate. I can’t change that date. So starting a spreadsheet might be helpful.

Last night, I got really suicidal. I didn’t do anything, but I really wanted to. It kind of scared me. I wrote about it in my new Hyde Notebook. It was too powerful to write on a blog. Plus, the information I wrote about, I really don’t want coming back to haunt me. So it’s just in black and white in this notebook. I am trying my hand at containing the darkness in one place. I was wicked tired, drugged up from my pain medication, and in severe pain. The perfect storm for Hyde to come out but he didn’t. I wrote what I did and then I went to sleep. I don’t remember what I wrote exactly but I do remember the gist of the writings. I was in compete control of the writing and I didn’t dissociate. I just wrote one page because I was so tired. If the meds weren’t working the way they did, I probably would have written more.

I am down to the last three chapters of the “Idiot”. I am sad to see this book end but also happy that I am finished with it. I should be done with it tonight, if I get the inclination to read the last thirty or so pages. I would have finished it last night, but I got too tired from pain meds and was in too much pain to think straight. It’s so hard to read when you don’t feel well. I think that is why my number of books is so low. I just haven’t been able to put in the mental stuff required for reading, and because I am in pain most of the time, it’s just hard. Some book are easier to read than others. Like I enjoyed reading “The Graveyard Book”. It took me a few days to read, where it has taken me three weeks to finish the Idiot. But it’s a longer book than the Graveyard. I don’t know what it is with me and large books. They take forever to read and then I get frustrated half way through. Like the stupid Battle Cry for Freedom. 900 pages of words and took me almost a year or more to finish. And because I was reading it, I didn’t read anything else, even though I usually have two books I am reading at the same time. I really want to get back into the “Reagan Diaries”. That was an interesting book. I read a quarter of it before I got interested in other things. Hamilton is another book that I started but never finished. Again another 900 or so page book. It was a difficult book to read though. It didn’t have spot in it that you can pause. It was just one long ramble. I have no idea where that book went. I think it is in the Hamper that I have been meaning to clean out but haven’t gotten to. It won’t be today because my ankle is screaming at me. Won’t be tomorrow either because of the deal with my father. So it will just sit there while I look at the mess.