Tag: chronic physical pain

tired of being an outlier

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

I woke up at 0530 today but was able to get back to sleep around 0600. I slept on and off until 1130. I also woke up around three but was able to go right back to sleep. I don’t know why I am having such a hard time sleeping lately. And someone from Indiana keeps calling me at fucking 0815 every single morning. I don’t know that many people in Indiana and I know they don’t have my number. I wish they would stop calling or at least leave a voicemail so I know who the fuck it is.

I need to go to my father’s today to fix his pill box and then I won’t have to go back until Thursday. I have therapy tomorrow that I am not looking forward to. I am going to try and end therapy. I just don’t see the point anymore. I know she is going to be resistant to it but that is her problem, not mine. I am tired of trying to make people happy. It’s going to be tough not having therapy but I think it’s the best course. I just can’t imagine being in therapy while planning on ending my life. It makes no sense. It will be better if I am not in therapy. The less she knows of my plans the better.

I have been trying to think of a way to let my writing partner know I am not going to be here any longer. But even if I do, she knows that I will get through this tough patch. But this isn’t a tough patch that I am going through. I have made a conscious decision to end my life so I don’t have to turn 40 and continue a sad existence. I know this will hurt her. Another loss that she just can’t face. We have been writing to one another for three years now. I am sad that this is coming to an end as she doesn’t know how much she means to me. I wish it was enough to get me to stay but I don’t think there is enough to keep me here. After all the hospitalizations and therapy I have received, I still have thoughts of ending my life. I can’t live with this knowledge that according to all the statistics, I should be dead. I am tired of being an outlier.

Just came back from my father’s. Damn bus was late both ways. Luckily today is a nice warm day. I wore shorts today as it was warm enough. First day in a LONG time that it hit 70 degrees. It has been a long winter. My father didn’t pick up his pills on Friday like I told him to so I had to go get them as he wasn’t feeling well. The walk to and fro nearly killed me. My calf muscles doesn’t want to work for me. They tighten up with each step and it is killing me. I know it is most likely atrophy as I haven’t been walking in so long. Even a short walk, a block or so, will tighten them up. The price I paid for staying in the month of February. I also know it is going to take a while to build up my strength again. I really need to walk a little every day to get the muscles moving again. I also need to build up my endurance level.

Yesterday was National Grilled Cheese Day. I think I will have one or two tonight for my dinner. Just wish I had some tomato soup to go with it. I think I will make an online order so I can order some of the items I am thinking about getting so I don’t forget. I just hope I don’t spend $130 like I did last time. It was a big order but it was all my essentials, no junk food, just stuff that I had really run out of.

random 87

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, depression

I have been on an Eric Church kick lately. I love his music but not enough to really buy it. Only song of his that I have bought was “Springsteen”. Though this song might be bought soon as I do love it.

Today is Sunday. Yesterday I was going through most of the day thinking that it was Sunday. I think it was because I fell so soundly and when I woke up, I was disoriented. It wasn’t until later in the evening I realized it was the wrong day. I hate when that happens because you just feel like you are a day off but you really aren’t.

I woke up early again this morning, causing me to fall back to sleep around 0600. I woke up around noon to make some oatmeal pancakes. I didn’t make them right as they tasted different. I think I skipped an ingredient, what I don’t know. I don’t know where the recipe is so was just going by memory. I ate half of them and if I didn’t put syrup on all of them, I would have saved the half I didn’t eat. I will try and remember that for next time.

My mood neither suck nor is great. It’s somewhere in the middle. Someone from the UK has been perusing my blog. I am grateful as lately my stats have sucked. The blogs they have been looking at are dealing with CES so I guess there is another sufferer out there. If I remember correctly, there are at least 400-600 people in the UK that get CES every year. So much for it being a rare condition. I don’t know what the estimates are for the US. Most of the doctors that I have seen in my area don’t know what CES is, or if they do, they don’t know how to treat the after effects of the condition.

I think I am going to change my sheets today. It is going to be a hassle but I am bored and it needs to be done. Today, the stupid CO detector was beeping low battery again. I accidently sent it flying while reaching for it. I kind of hope that I broke the stupid thing so my mother can get a new one that doesn’t beep as often. It’s like every three months we need to change the batteries on the thing. The other CO detector that we have doesn’t require changing that often and it’s the same one! It’s so annoying hearing the beep every 20 minutes. But it’s dismantled now so it’s back to being quiet in the house. If I don’t change the sheets, I am going to sleep. I am just so tired. I didn’t have coffee but then, it doesn’t matter if I do or not. I still can go to sleep with having coffee on board. Then when I wake up, I am wired.

Saturday blog 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide

Saturday Blog 18

I slept for most of the morning, which was good because I didn’t sleep good for most of the night. Pain kept waking me up. My brother in law was going to Stop and Shop so I went with him to get a few things. He told me my mother needed milk so I picked it up as well. I didn’t get my fish and chips like I wanted to because I was low on cash. I could just get the essentials, like cream, my powerade, and milk for my mother. That was all that I needed. When I get paid in two weeks, I will do real grocery shopping. I won’t be paying my cell phone bill again because it is already paid for the month. For the first time in months, I will have a little extra money so I might just get another online grocery order. It will save me time and energy from walking around the store. I can just click on what I want.

After the grocery store, I made coffee and watched the baseball game. We won 8-4. In the Bronx. Against the Skankees. HEHEHE. They made a costly error and then loaded the bases and we capitalized on it. Instead of the inning to be over, Aroid took his foot off the bag after review of the play. It was sweet that my favorite player, Brock Holt, then hit a double that cleared the bases. This guy is amazing. He was awesome last year and his awesomeness is continuing this year.

After the ball game, I watched some of my shows. I had to watch the Criminal Minds episode with Gary Sinise. I miss CSI NY so much that to see Gary again was a thrill. He still looks the same.

Other than going to the grocery store, I really haven’t done anything yet I feel really tired. I haven’t played any games all day. It was just sleep, store, baseball game, tv. I guess that is a lot of doing nothing but my ankle would beg to differ. It is hurting like I have been standing on it all day. I don’t know why, as I mostly have been sitting or reclining. But that is the pain syndrome for you. It does what it wants, with no rhyme or reason.

I wonder why is it that if you have terminal cancer and was given only a few months to live, people accept that reality more often than if someone says they are going to kill themselves. I keep thinking about things like this because cancer is held higher than suicide when it is just the same. You are going to die either way. Either through your own terms or cancer’s. And if you survive cancer, you are considered a hero. Yet you attempt suicide, you are shamed and blasted upon. I have accepted that I will probably take my life sometime this year. It is something I have thought about for sometime and though I am not thinking about suicide every day like I used to, I have a specific date that I want to end my life. Not because of shits and giggles, but because I am tired of being in pain all the time, mentally and physically. I know nothing can happen with my life. I fucked it up and there is no unfucking it, not unless I win the lottery. I will never be a therapist because I can’t go back to school. I am in the minority. I am transgendered and never will be accepted by anyone. And I just can’t live with this knowledge. My dreams went up in smoke when I became disabled, when I got diagnosed with mental illness when I was 16. I tried having a life but it just isn’t working out. I am depressed nearly every day for no good reason. I am tired of living this way. It must come to an end. I am just going to die anyway and I rather it be on my terms.

A day of buses

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A day of buses

I saw my pdoc today. We exchanged stories about being able to bounce back from surgery. She called me a role model as I was so severe with my Cauda Equina Syndrome and can hardly walk. Now, 14 years later, I can walk unassisted. She broke her hip right before Halloween and is still recovering from it. She doesn’t walk right yet, but she will in time. When I saw her a month ago, she was walking with a crutch. No crutch today so that is a good sign. Long as she doesn’t have any setbacks, she should recover nicely. We also talked about my roller coaster month. I seem to have stabilized as this week has been relatively “normal” for me. I am at my baseline depression and hope it stays that way. I still am waiting to crash but hope it doesn’t happen. I told her I haven’t been doing anything different. She asked if it was the weather, and I said I don’t know. I also told her that it might be because I am turning 40 this year, and she said “how did that happen”. Course, I have been seeing her since I was 17. That is a long time to be seeing her. We also talked about how today is my anniversary of becoming an author. She then asking jokingly when my next book is coming out. She already knew the answer as I told her about it the last time I saw her. I told her I might make out a sci-fi story out of the delusions that I was having. I am glad they are gone but man did they seem real.

On my way home, I was about 20 minutes early for the bus so I waited. And waited. And waited. Around 12:40, more than twenty minutes after the bus was supposed to arrive, I tweeted to the T that the bus didn’t show up. They have no explanation. Fucking great. I wasn’t in the mood to walk the 0.4 miles to catch the bus at the end of the road home. So I took a bus that would take me down the street. I missed the bus. Now I could either wait for the next bus at 13:30 or catch another bus that would take me closer to my home, but I would have to walk two long blocks to get there. I decided to test my limits and walk. I took the stop before School Street as I knew that street was hilly and my foot was already hurting from waiting for the 12:25 that never showed. I made it, though my calf muscles ached while I was walking. BOTH of them. I think I really need to walk more as I think they are getting atrophied. I then decided to go to Walgreens and pick up my prescription. There was a fricken line and only one person dealing with the register. So I had to stand the whole time waiting. My legs wanted to kill me. But I needed my prescription and I didn’t want to go out tomorrow to get it. If I wasn’t running low, I would have said the hell with it and picked it up later. I used my new savings card and OMG you would have thought I gave a new prescription or something. That took another twenty minutes to figure out how to process the card. I wanted my pillow just so I could scream into it at this point. Finally everything went through, and I paid only $5 instead of $25. I was happy I saved money but was not happy I had to wait almost a fricken half hour to get it sorted.

I decided to get some popcorn as a treat or meal later. I will make popcorn and just have it as a meal sometimes. I used the last of it yesterday so we needed more. Of course my mother wasn’t happy that I paid three dollars for it. It was MY money, not hers, so I don’t know why she is bitching. Right now, I just want to rest as my ankle is sore and I am wicked exhausted. I woke up at 0600 this morning and made the mistake of going back to sleep. I have been in a sleep hang over since 0800, when my alarm went off. It has been one long day.

My father is not feeling well so I think I will go over his house on Sunday rather than tomorrow to get his meds straight. He ran out of one of his pills but he has other days so I am not that worried. It isn’t until the middle of the week that he needs to take these pills. So I get to rest tomorrow, which I will need to do.

I feel like there is a cloud hanging over me and I can’t shake it. It is getting to be like a vice around my heart. I forgot to tell my psychiatrist about these anxiety chest pains I have been getting. It really feels like I have a weight on my chest when it happens. I am not usually an anxious person so I don’t know why these attacks have been happening. But I have had such a crazy few weeks, I am not surprised that anxiety attacks have been thrown in the mix. I just hope that doesn’t mean my blood pressure is out of control again. I just tried to take my blood pressure but the machine is broken. It won’t hold the air in the cuff. Thing is more than ten years old so I think I might have to invest in another machine. I’ll probably get one my next pay period. There has been one that I have been looking at is for the wrist. I think that will be easier than trying to wrestle with the upper arm cuff one handed. So until I get it, I don’t know what my blood pressure is running these days. I had a manual cuff but I have no idea where that sucker is. I haven’t seen it in months.