Tag: chronic physical pain

late night, wicked tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Late night, wicked tired

Last night, despite being tired, I was unable to sleep till almost 0230 in the morning. I had been up almost 24 hours. Hyde came out but I think I removed the damage he might have caused. Though, I haven’t gone through my Twitter account to see if he left any messages there. From what I remember, I went south, fast and furiously. I was suicidal but had no intent on going through with the thoughts. I was just too tired.

I sent an old blog post about body image to my therapist. I wish I didn’t. OMG she just did not shut up the whole session. I don’t remember what it was about, I just tuned her out. She just kept rattling on and on about Teflon shields. I was getting pissed. Then I called her a bitch, which she thought Jack did. She said I can’t be “hitting him” anymore. WTF does that mean?? I never hit anyone, unless it was my sister and I was pissed off at her, but that was when we were kids. Never in my adult life have I hit someone in anger. Maybe in joking around, but that is all. A slap on the hand or a slight punch on the arm, that sort of thing. But I don’t intentionally go around hitting people, for fuck’s sake. And Jack is not someone I can hit. He is too angry and might kill me. So what the hell she was talking about, I have no fucking clue. She also wanted me to talk back to my mother. Yea, that will happen when hell freezes over.

My mood just turned bleak and if I make one more typing error, I am done with this blog. I am so tired I can’t type. Sure I am fixing them, but the errors are making me angry at myself. No, this blog doesn’t have to be perfect but it drives me crazy to misspell something. But getting back to my mood, I am really down. I am going to either listen to the ball game tonight or watch it. I want to at least try and see if I can get into it. But with this sleep deprivation, I might not last. All ready I want to sleep. I went to my father’s and I was hoping to snooze on the bus but that didn’t happen. I did have coffee today, so that is helping me to keep toothpicks in my eyes.

I have decided that I am just going to eat protein bars today. I have NO energy to cook anything. If my mother makes something tonight, I will eat it. I think she is making pizza as I saw dough thawing on the kitchen counter. That will be good. Last night I overate. I had a cheeseburger and then some stuffed chicken. My stomach couldn’t handle all the food, which is part of the reason I stayed up so late. I felt so sick.

I told my therapist, again, that I am only going to be around for a few more months. She still has not read her goodbye letter because of the anxiety it is causing her. I understand that. I told her she could read my story. Maybe that might be better. As I think I mentioned to Twitter last night, I just am never going to be accepted by society as a male. Hell, not even my own mother can accept that. And that is why things must end. I am not going to live or start another decade living like this, though I really have no idea what “living” really means. My therapist also knows that I have a date though she doesn’t know the specifics and she is not going to. I am not changing my mind this time. I have to do this. I just have to die. I am tired of struggling all the time. I am a man of my word and this is what I have to do.

Last night I wrote my psychiatrist her note. It was exhausting, to say the least. How can you say goodbye to someone you have known for over 20 years. It was the most difficult thing I had to do. I expected it to be longer but I think a page and a half is good enough. I kept telling her to seek help after my death. I hope she does. I also hope my therapist does, too. There are a lot more support networks for clinicians who lose their clients to suicide. I also told my psychiatrist that she isn’t a failure. She tried more than anyone to keep me here. And thinking about leaving her is the hardest thing that I have to do but I need to stay the course with this plan. I don’t want to turn 40. I don’t want to write another book. I just want my ashes to be spread over Chelsea Creek.

Evening Post 1/4/15

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

Evening Blog 1/4/15

Like I planned, I didn’t do anything today but my ankle is killing me as if I did. I just had dinner and lunch. I am stuffed. I had a cheeseburger with avocado and bacon and then some chicken with rice and corn. My mother made beets with oil and vinegar but I didn’t like it too much. I usually like my beets with a creamy dressing, like blue cheese or Caesar.

My mother put garlic in the breadcrumb stuffing she made. Garlic seems to be giving me migraines lately. My head is already killing me. I have so far avoided a nap but might take one if the headache gets worse. Ankle is also getting worse as I am typing this despite taking a pain med for it. Being in pain every day is exhausting.

Had therapy today. It went okay. We talked a lot about different things that are irritating me and about Jack, the alter that is angry. I have been having intense anger moments and I think it is Jack trying to come out. He is a little boy, as far as I can tell, so doesn’t know how to use words. I have to interpret how he is feeling and relate it to what it is he is angry about. Sometimes, I am good at it and other times, I get angry because he is angry. We also talked about my mood dipping and the anhedonia getting worse. I think by the end of the week, I am going to be in the throws of a deep depression. I am talking with my therapist again tomorrow morning. I just hope that I am awake enough. We also talked about meds. I swear she thinks that I don’t take my meds at times. I think that is because I don’t talk about taking them all the time. I also told her the futility of taking them while in distress. I have no idea if these meds are working or not. It’s not like I am getting regular blood tests for levels or anything to prove they are working. It’s just frustrating to put faith in a pill. I do know the abilify works, because I am less psychotic while taking it and I get side effects from it. I am just frustrated taking a handful of meds every night and wonder if it is worth it. It has been a LONG time since I stopped my meds. I won’t be able to stop my medical meds. Those I need to take or my blood pressure will become unstable.

I haven’t discussed this with my psychiatrist. I think the only reason I haven’t been full blown manic is because I am on meds. It just sucks that every few years I have these bouts of being up and down. The last time I remember this happening was in 2002. And it wasn’t pretty. My crashes were terrible and very suicidal. Then I had a very depressing 2005. I came close to ending my life that year. It was probably the only time my psychiatrist asked me, as a favor to her, to go back on my meds. I haven’t been off them since. That was 10 years ago. I still have suicidal depressions but some how I get through them. So if in the next few days, I start writing about my suicidality, that is why. I will have hit another low point in my life. Question is, will it be low enough to warrant a hospitalization? I really am trying my best to stay out of the hospital. I haven’t been in the hospital since August. I am doing what I normally would do when I am in the hospital. Isolate and take my PRNs. But lately, I haven’t really been doing that as I have had the energy to go out and do things like get a latte and write in my journal. I think that has been good for me. It brings me out of the house and deal with life a little better. It might be annoying because the bus isn’t on time, but least I am not cooped up in my room 24/7. Though today I have been in my room a great deal. I have been playing poker. I lose, I win, I lose. When I get bored I leave. I am only playing with 200K chips. That is my limit. Once it is gone, I am done. I have 47 million chips so I think I am good for a little while, as long as I don’t play on the big game tables.

Hypo again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Hypo again

I don’t like this one day up the next day normal bullshit. It seriously only means that I will be headed for a serious breakdown sometime in the next few weeks. Or by the end of this week. I don’t really know what is causing this up one day and down the next. Maybe I am cycling. It is better than being in a mixed state.

I have been really irritable lately. The slightest things seem to piss me off. Yesterday, while having coffee, my mother wanted to talk to me. No matter how much I tried to muster the “don’t talk to me while having coffee” look, it just came across as me being in a bad mood or depressed. I fucking hate that. She just doesn’t get it because coffee doesn’t affect her. She drinks instant bullshit so what does she know of good coffee anyways! I doubt the instant shit has any real caffeine in it anyway. Pisses me off. And the more I tell her not to fucking talk to me, the more talkative she gets, WTF. I drank enough of my coffee so I wouldn’t spill it while walking and then headed up to my room for peace and quiet. My room is my only solace these days. I can’t be in the house or even in my office because the TV is on full blast or she is pressing every single button on the Tivo remote making fucking noise that is so damn loud. I don’t know when I became intolerable to noises. I used to work in a busy lab where noise was the only way to work. You had the tube machine going, the MPA which loves to ding for no good reason, then of course you have people talking either to each other or on the phone. Thank god we did away with music in the lab, though people will play Pandora on their workstations, but at low levels. It was a mad house and I enjoyed every minute of it. But now that I am in the confines of my room, I can’t tolerate any fucking beeping noise or even the tea kettle going off. It just makes me VERY annoyed.

I had therapy today. I told her about my friend that is having troubles. I wish I could do more for my friend but she lives very far away from me, over 3000 miles. I am doing what I can before she gets “real” help, as right now I am the only help to her that she is getting. We didn’t get into my troubles too much. She read the blog I wrote her the other day and she said there was one part that sounded “hyde”ish. I have no idea what she is talking about. I wrote the letter, and typed it up. I don’t think there is an element of Hyde anywhere in the letter. But then, she is always analyzing my writing. I told her about the mishap with my cell phone. And then toward the end of session, I became hypo, just like that. It was like a switch went off. I feel really good, even though I saw my father at the bus stop. We had to walk to my home so he could use the bathroom. So I walked an extra block today. I wish I could say it was good seeing him but I can’t stand him so there goes that idea.

My therapist also talked about how difficult it was to read the packet I gave her last week. She is having anxiety about reading it. I knew I should have waited a little bit before giving it to her. It is my fault she feels that way. But I know once she reads it, she will have questions. I also gave her my psychosis story. Maybe I will suggest reading that rather than the letter. I think the story is pretty good, not one of my best, but good enough.

I need to get new glasses next month, or at least try to get them. I’m going to try one of our bulk stores called BJ’s. I have had glasses from them before. I am going to get the single vision first and then I will get the bifocals, depending on the price. My eyes keep doing funky things and refuse to focus at times. It is worse when I am tired. Then I have to take the glasses off for a bit so my eyes get a some rest so to speak.

My last few texts to my therapist last night was about LGBT rights. It is pissing me off that more and more states are discriminating against people like me. Now I hear that Kentucky and Virginia are proposing laws. For Fuck’s Sake. I like Virginia and was considering going to school there at VCU, Virginia Commonwealth University. But now that is not going to happen because I will be discriminated against. Even in Indiana, they now have posted signs saying “we serve everyone”. They shouldn’t have to and if a bill they passed needs to be clarified, it shouldn’t have been passed in the first place!! It just makes me so very angry. And it also makes me thinking of killing myself all the more. Because if I can’t be accepted by the society I live in or even my family for that matter, what is the point of living anyways??

Lazy Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Lazy Monday

I texted my therapist early this morning to see if she had any openings today. It turns out she doesn’t, which is a bummer. My mood has become more stable over the last 48 hours, but I am not sure how long that will last. I emailed my psychiatrist that I was in better spirits but was predicting a fallout middle to end of the week. I see her next Friday.

I woke up fairly early this morning, around 0530. I played some poker and then went back to sleep. I would have played my game but I just haven’t been feeling like playing lately. I know in a month from today, the game is shutting down. I don’t know what I am going to do with myself once it stops. It is depressing me. My neighbors have started to play another game that is similar to it and there is supposed to be a PT2 coming out, but no one knows when. I just hope that if they do, the missions are not impossible to finish or take you months to finish because you rely so heavily on your neighbors help. Asking for 90 items and then needing crops is just way too much work for one mission, but then all the missions are set up like that. And now instead of asking for 10 of something, they are asking you to craft 15. I don’t mind because I have the time but I am running out of patience. I will be kind of happy the game is closing but still sad that I didn’t get to finish my missions.

I guess people liked my cookies for my brother in law’s birthday party. There doesn’t seem to be any goodies left over, aside from the rum cake. I had a piece today and I wish I didn’t. It just doesn’t sit well and I am not feel great to begin with. I have been having bouts of nausea all day, since I woke up this morning. I took a Zofran and am laying down, but it still hasn’t gone away. I hope that doesn’t mean I am going to get a migraine. Been drinking Gatorade to stay hydrated. Which also means I am peeing more. I hate having to go up and down the stairs because my ankle still isn’t 100%. Last night I had to leave the party earlier than expected because my ankle just flared up. I didn’t say goodbye to anyone, I just left. I figure if anyone needed me, they would just call my cell phone.

I am going to take a shower after I finish this blog. I lost track of the days since the last one I took. I think Thursday was the last time I showered. Anyway, I need one. It is going to hurt but oh, well. I didn’t go out today. And I fucking hate it when my mother sees me come down the stairs and says “you’re home” in that nasty condescending voice that she has. I mostly either don’t answer or say “no”, like I am a figment of her imagination. Pisses me off to no end. I hope the shower wakes me up and warms me up. Today was supposed to be close to 50 degrees but it feels like 30 or below. The weatherman lies. It is supposed to be in the twenties tonight. Oh the joy of spring. I will believe it when I see it.

The president was in town today and caused a havoc as usual. Trains had to be stopped as well as traffic to let him pass freely. Glad I didn’t go anywhere near town. It would have been a mess.