Tag: CRPS (formerly RSD)

Luna’s Gone

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain

Luna’s Gone

I have had this song stuck in my head for most of the day. It is a song by Mary Chapin Carpenter on her Between here and gone CD. I was listening to this CD the other night. Her music is so soothing to me.

Having a rough day. Had to deal with my mother that woke me from a sound sleep so I could put on compression stockings on her. Not a good thing when you only got crap sleep to begin with. I am still pissed and I think she overrided my Tivo to not record one of my shows. I will be very upset and she will hear about it. I hate when she doesn’t let me record my shows. I pay for the damn cable dammit. But I am so sleep deprived, I don’t want to go downstairs and see if she did or not. I don’t have the energy to explode on her.

I have been in pain most of the day. It has been hard walking around because I am having problems putting weight on my foot. It doesn’t like it. And it is the same pain that I have been experiencing last night. My last three toes on my left foot have just exploded and hurt very badly. My big toes feels like someone is trying to cram it into something or make it shorter than what it is. I just know that I am in mega pain and I am not happy about it. My big toe really feels like some one is trying to snip it off too. I love these weird sensations that I get. Got to love nerve damage, NOT.

I figured out that my foot weakness is part of the problem. If I try and work my ankle/foot into normal moves, it becomes fatigued and then it starts hurting. The longer I try to keep my foot in a certain position, the more fatigued it gets and the more I hurt. I don’t even realize I am doing anything out of the ordinary because don’t all people keep their foot in a flexed position while walking or sitting? I think they do. I can’t seem to keep my feet flat on the ground like you are supposed to, mostly because I am short and the chair makes my foot dangle. Anyways, whenever I try and keep my foot in that upward position, my pain goes through the roof. It is not right away, because what fun would that be. It has to come out right before I want to go to sleep.

Last night I only slept for about 45 minutes to an hour when I had a strange, disturbing dream. I dreamt that someone had left me a comment on my blog telling me to kill myself and how to do it. The weird part of it was that it was in my handwriting. Creepy. And it scared me. I told my therapist about it tonight and she doesn’t know what to make of it. So much for dream analysis. She is getting worried because the dream process was so quick. Normally you need at least ninety minutes to reach REM sleep. I am achieving it in less than that time frame. When I see my psychiatrist next week, I will bring it up. Maybe I need to see a sleep specialist or something. I already have trouble sleeping but it’s not because of insomnia or overthinking. It is because of fricken pain. And this pain is just so bad I really just want to chop my foot off. But I don’t know if the pain is what is causing my sleep to be so disorganized. I really don’t know. Sometimes I can’t sleep because I have to write something. I have to either physically or electronically write something to “calm down”. And then once it is out of my system, I can go to sleep. My sleep pattern has been the same for the past three weeks. I sleep in three to four hour stints. It is rare that I sleep continuously straight for six hours or more. I am hoping I sleep at least six hours tonight as I am really tired.

constant physical pain makes me depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I am up early yet again. I just can’t sleep more than eight hours anymore. I sleep six hours and then I am up. My foot is hurting so I guess I should take something for it before it gets worse. I already went downstairs twice for bathroom reasons. My ankle didn’t appreciate that at all. I don’t know why it is so stiff today. But then today is going to snow so that might have something to do with it. Seems every week there is some snow going on. I can’t wait for it to stop. It makes walking very difficult, especially when people don’t shovel their walk. Drives me crazy. Then you have to walk in the street and the cars get mad at you.

I am thinking of changing my “about me” blog to just living in chronic pain and having suicidal urges. I realize that is all I write about. Sure there might be a few blogs just about my depression but most of it starts with me being in physical pain. I am in constant physical pain and it makes me depressed and often times suicidal more so than my depression alone. But now that I have the pain managed to a good degree, I am less depressed about it. But I still think that I should maybe add that I also suffer from chronic physical pain.

Yesterday when I went to pick up my prescription, I was asked for the first time what my diagnosis was. I had heard people tell me that pharmacists now need a diagnosis in order to process but it never happened to me before now. Funny on my main pain medication they didn’t ask me for a diagnosis but the one I take for break through pain they did. Very weird.

It’s Sunday and I hope there is a televised spring training game for the Sox playing today. I miss baseball so much. It is the one thing that I can watch without getting bored.

It’s almost seven in the morning. I have no idea what I am going to do today. It’s cold out and is supposed to snow so I guess I will just stay inside. Monday I have my appointment with my pdoc so I will be out of the house. I don’t think I will be getting a latte anymore as the last two that I have had, has given me the jitters. This sucks. I guess I am back to drinking coffee. Sad thing is that there is no new Clover coffees that I like or are interested in. I still want to try the Mexican coffee. Maybe I will tomorrow. Their sun-dried Ethiopian coffee I didn’t like. It had a very weird aftertaste. I don’t like it when coffee has an aftertaste.

I still have depression, though it seems to be lessening as I can now type without it bothering me cognitively. I hope this continues because I would like to work on my short story this week and maybe my blurb for my book.

Falling Apart

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Falling apart

Since my little self harm episode yesterday, I have been crying non stop. I am just am extremely sad for some reason. I cried throughout therapy and my therapist of course wants me to see her in her office. Her anxiety is up because of my self harm issues. I really want to cut again but am not sure I can do it. I have been thinking about it all day. I just feel like it will help with the feelings of being a worthless scumbag.

I have been up early today because I had to meet with the podiatrist. He thinks it’s a nerve issue so gave me a nerve block. It numbed the painful area and it still is numb. For the first time in three years it is not painful. I hope it still works during the night. I haven’t done anything all day because I didn’t want to risk injuring it while walking. He also wants me to have nerve conduction tests. I am foregoing that aspect of his treatment plan. I don’t think that will tell us anything because I already have nerve damage in the foot. My foot is still sore where the shot was. I hope it goes away.

The urges to cut have not stopped. I feel like I might try again today but I don’t know. I am trying to resist as long as possible. I have been trying not to think about it but it is hard. My therapist of course wants another session with me on Monday but I don’t think that will help me. I feel like I let her down because I cut. I feel really ashamed of myself. No one knows about this except my blogging community and my therapist.

I tried to eat some good food today but nothing tastes right. I should have just had donuts and be done with it. But I am still waiting on my psychiatrist to write in my prescription for abilify so I can get it. I am kind of running low. I don’t care if I run out but there will be consequences if I do stop taking it. I sent her an email about the podiatrist and the script so hopefully she will write another script because the one she did never went through. My therapist thinks that I should write to her to tell her I cut so she is in the loop but I don’t want to. I feel like it will be another person I let down and I can’t live with that.

Today as been a hard day. I have been trying to sleep and just rest my ankle but it is not easy. I either have to go to the bathroom downstairs or I get hungry which leads me to downstairs yet again. I just want to zone out. I could just take some Neurontin and chill out. I think that is what I am going to do. Maybe if I sleep off this laziness, I will feel better. I have been up since six. It has been a very long day.

I think part of why I have been so weepy today is because I finally have no pain after three years. Not even a buzzing sensation on my ankle. No throbbing. No nothing since the nerve block. It’s very weird to go from being in pain to no pain. Maybe a nerve block can happen in my brain and prevent my urges for cutting to.

a story and pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I have been continuing to add to the “darkness always win” blog that I wrote the other day. I am trying to channel the inner darkness and write it out but it is very hard to do when I don’t feel that way all the time. I felt a little bit of it today so wrote some more but have not typed it up in the word doc. I am really tired. I literally spent the day at Starbucks just writing. I also went to my eye doctor who said that I have just a bad migraine without pain when my eyes don’t focus the way they should. I guess I was more worried about the appointment than I should be as I felt so relieved I almost had to take a nap afterwards. I have been up since eight. I finally got some good sleep. I am hoping to stay up late tonight so I can finish working on this darkness story.

It is cold where I live. And supposed to snow tomorrow night into the next day. I hope they are wrong as that will mean I won’t be able to go out until Thursday. I have to be careful when it snows because I can easily slip and twist my already sore ankle. I wore the AFO today and it was good to wear it as I am not in a lot of pain tonight. I hope that continues but my foot is getting colder as I am typing this. UGH I think I am going to have to take some Neurontin if it gets hot. I hate the burning of nerve pain. Nothing helps but Neurontin and sleep aids (Ativan).

I hope I am not getting sick. I have been sneezing for the last twenty minutes. I hate when I have a sneeze attack. I don’t feel ill, so that is good. But I am tired. I don’t know if I am going to make it till nine tonight but I got to try and stay up late because otherwise I will wake up at three in the morning. That’s not fun! I swear, since losing my job, my sleep cycle has gotten worse because I have no set schedule anymore. I am tired I lie down and if I sleep, so be it. If I wake up in the middle of the night, so be it. I just play my game and be up a few hours and then go back to sleep. Granted it gets more complicated by pain, but lately, my pain levels have been, well all over the place. One day I won’t have any pain and the next it will be soaring high. I think since taking the Neurontin the other night, my pain has been less or I don’t think about it as much. It still throbs every day regardless. It just the level of throbbing that gets to me. Right now it’s at a level of 3 on a scale of 1-10. That could change when my foot warms up and I am ready to sleep. Also for some reason my right foot has been giving me grief in the morning. Naproxen has been able to control it for now but usually, once I start moving about, the pain stops. I think it’s just a muscle thing. I hope it’s not a fascititis thing as that will never go away! I hate it when my left foot gets really cold. I have a sock on it and it is under a comforter and sheets. Just not looking forward to the warm up part of it. I go through this almost every night. It gets cold, then really hot and finally I have to sleep with the foot hanging off the bed because anything that touches the foot will hurt like hell. Classic nerve pain or CRPS. I don’t know which diagnosis I prefer. I just know that either is painful enough to send me into a suicidal crisis if severe enough. And I am not talking about a level of 3. I am talking an 8+ or when there is no level to describe the pain.

I have finally figured out a way to pay off the editor sooner rather than later. My mother has decided to lessen the amount this month that I give her. With this money, though I am supposed to use it for my membership to the AAS, I have decided to pay off the editor so it’s not hanging on my head anymore and maybe that will be incentive for her to push up my number or something. I just want to publish my book and sooner rather than later before the doubts that I am having take hold full force. Because once I hit the send button or publish button, I can’t stop it. Screaming at the computer screen to cancel is not going to work. I have done that with text messages and other emails. You hit send, that is it. It is on the web forever. And I don’t think there is an eraser button for the internet.