Tag: CRPS (formerly RSD)

Ankle Chronicles 5

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, medical, physical pain

Ankle Chronicles 5

I overdid things today, big time. My foot has been throbbing since I came home at two. I knew after I went downstairs to get the mail it would be the last trip I would make for the day as my ankle just said a big fuck you. I am feeling out of sorts and just maybe going a little nuts as I keep thinking my foot is talking to me. It is really angry at me and I keep wondering why the hell didn’t I sit down more today while waiting for the stupid bus. I had a half hour to kill. I was bored. So I walked to the meat market thinking I would get some steak tips for dinner but they were really expensive. It’s just my mother and I. I don’t need like fifteen pounds of tips. That was all they had and they were like twenty bucks. I suppose I could have frozen them now that I think about it. But I knew I would forget about them and I would be the only one to eat them as my mother doesn’t like steak anymore.

I have been writing in my journal about how angry my foot is at me and I keep thinking why. I know it is because I stood for a long time, but I am wondering why I had to have nerve damage in this foot. Compared to my right, it’s like it is louder than my right. I hardly notice that I feel my foot. My left is constantly screaming hello, I am here!! But that is it. I can’t talk back to it. I can’t tell it to shut up. I can’t tell it to go shove off. At times, I feel like it isn’t my own, that it belongs to someone else. I am not feeling that way now. I just want it to stop throbbing and burning. From my ankle bone down to my toes is a constant, heated throb. And I don’t mean heated as in upset. I mean heat as in hot fire. My ankle and foot feel like it is on fire. It’s not, I can assure you but it just feels like it is. I so want to take some Neurontin tonight and I might. Now the stabbing pains start. Someone is stabbing me with a knife in between the bones on the top of my foot. I can’t breath. The pain is really bad. I can’t move my toes anymore and that has set off some PTSD symptoms for me so I am in a hypervigilant state. I need to take some Ativan to calm me down. I would take some more pain meds but it’s too early. I just took my last dose about three hours ago. I am supposed to take the pills every six hours. I might be passed out from the pain but that is unlikely to happen with my anxiety being high. I have been listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter the past few hours to try and keep my mood even keel. I need to take something but I don’t know what to take. I am so distraught and the hopelessness has started to fill my soul. I need sleep. I need something to distract me from this pain.

I remember what my life was like before pain hit me. I was an active person. I was working. Now I have just become this hobbled person. I just can’t stand it. Every night it is the same thing. Every day I have to put my foot out of the blankets only to put them back in a little while later. No matter what I do there is no pleasing it anymore. I can’t even ice it because it just makes it very cold and screws up the nerve pain even more. I wish it was a clear case of CRPS but no, it’s got to be half a fricken case. A mild case. Or maybe not a case at all. Maybe this pain is all in my fricken head and I am crazy. I just know that I want to stop hurting. I want to be able to do stuff for more than a few minutes. I want to be able to walk without restraint. But that isn’t going to happen anymore. Hasn’t happen in three years and every time I push myself to go farther, it always backfires. Which sucks because the depression is lifting and I have all kinds of energy but no place to put it. I feel like such an imbecile.

Fuck it, I am taking my meds early. To hell with the consequences. I am in deep and serious pain that is driving me fucking nuts and I don’t care anymore.

Feeling like a lucky SOB

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression

Feeling like a lucky SOB

I saw my psychiatrist today. We had a good chat about things. I told her that I got the consent from the two guys that wrote the Building a Therapeutic Alliance book. She was happy and can’t wait to get my autograph when my book comes out. She said she is going to buy it so I can sign it. That kind of sealed how much confidence she has in me and my writing. I told her I hope that my book is as successful as we are thinking it to be. But I keep holding myself in check and tell myself that if I sell 100 copies, I will be happy.

As I was walking to the station, I was thinking about Dr. Michel and realized, I am a lucky SOB to have these wonderful suicidologists from around the world interested in my work and not only that, to wish it success. I really can’t believe it. But I have the emails to prove it. I told my psych today that I think the summary that I wrote to Dr. Michel is going to be the blurb on the back.

Right now my foot is throbbing really bad. It was raining today so the benches that I normally sit on to wait for the bus were nice and wet. I had to stand and walk around a bit while waiting for the bus. To say that I stood too long is an understatement. I had more than a half hour’s time at the Square waiting for the bus and there were no seats available until one of the buses came. My bus didn’t come for another twenty minutes. Plus, when I got there, there was a homeless or other mentally disturbed person laying on the bench and cops were around him. I don’t know what the deal was but they carted him off in an ambulance. Later when I walked over because it was the only space vacant, I saw what the guy did. He burned circles in the wooden bench. Jerk.

I still feel upbeat though not in a euphoric kind of way. Just in a content kind of way. I am hoping to work on my second book today. I really want to get something done while my mood and energy levels permit it. I can’t stand and clean my office. I think I am done going up and down the stairs today, well, only if I don’t have to use the bathroom, then I can stay in my room with my foot up. I was telling my psych about the PTSD I was experiencing after the fall I took and how terrified I was that CES was happening again. I asked if that is ever going away and she said probably not. Great. I guess if I had it the one time, I might have been ok in recovering from it and not have PTSD so bad. But having CES twice and in the same leg really did a number on me mentally. Even as I was talking about it, I was getting all wired up and had to focus to stay grounded. She asked if I was still taking the Ativan and I told her I was. I had to because I am still experiencing side effect from the abilify. I need this med to keep the voices away. And I rather deal with my arms and legs feeling like stretched out elastics than to hear voices and be paranoid and delusional.

I finally got my hair cut today. The stylist didn’t cut my hair the length I wanted. I didn’t realize that until I came home. I am going to need another cut in two weeks time now, rather than four. No matter, I will go to my barber’s shop by then rather than back to Supercuts.

Sucky day part 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Almost decided not to blog today. Having a rough day. For the first time in almost 21 years I feel like my psychiatrist does get that I am ill. I told her today, I wanted to go up on my mood stabilizer because I have been wicked up and down and all around. Last night to top off my wicked sucky day, I got hit with a mixed state that had agitation and restlessness mixed with the need to write. I told her that I was going nuts and she said I can’t do that. She won’t increase my meds just have me take the trilafon and Ativan when I need to. I am so frustrated with her. I think the extra mood stabilizer is what I need right now to tamper things down. I am only escalating. And usually this time of year, I am in a deep depression that has me walking in mud. Well no mud today. I walked all over town today, well more than I usually do and now I am paying for it but I don’t care. I had to get the agitation/frustration out of my system somehow. I know that things are going to get worse if I don’t get a handle on them now. If I end up in the hospital, I am going to tell her “told you so”. I did forget to tell her about my menses. She became really concerned when I told her I was having trouble with my vision. She wants me to see an ophthalmologist. I will make the appointment after the New Year. She doesn’t know if it is the medication or not. My luck the doc will just call it atypical migraine and be done with me.

When I came home, I took my meds. Then I had to pick up my niece. I am beyond tired and hope that I sleep tonight. I know I am probably not going anywhere tomorrow because I will be too sore. If this throbbing that I am feeling now is any indication. I know it’s going to get worse after eight. I am not looking forward to it. I can’t even stand long enough to change out of my jeans and into my PJs. This so sucks. I know I brought it on myself but it felt good walking again. It doesn’t feel good right now, but I didn’t have pain when I was walking around town. Picking up my niece did make things worse but that is my fault. I forgot my sister told me so if she didn’t text me, I would be in big trouble right now. I also did the walking without my AFO so not sure that was a good idea or not. I had to have steady snow shoes on because there still is a lot of ice and snow on the ground.

I don’t think I will have a mixed state tonight because I am so tired. The walk wore me out and going the extra few blocks to pick up my niece from her after school care program really did me in. But I have the weekend to chill. I really just hope that I don’t wake up one of these nights before Monday. I just don’t want to deal with my birthday. I used to love it and the Christmas days. I would see my family three days in a row, well my father’s side anyways. It was always fun. Now I don’t. And I think my godmother forgot my birthday again this year as I didn’t get a card from her like I usually do. Since my uncle died, I haven’t been getting a card every year. I really miss his handwriting. It was the neatest script. I also really miss him, too.

I really want to take myself out somewhere for my birthday. Just go to a good restaurant. I might take my niece as her birthday is the fourth of Jan. When I was working, I used to take my “kids” out for their birthday as they hated getting a book from me. I figured a book never gets out of style like clothes do or games/toys.

I still am upset about my psychiatrist. I think I am going to increase the med anyways. I am the one that has to live like this not her. And if I want to do something, I am going to do it. Last night I thought definitively there were rats in my room (it was just the radiator kicking on). That is how spaced out I was. Luckily I was able to talk to a fellow blogger friend that understands. She really helped me get through the night so my meds could kick in and work. I am glad I have friends like that.

In other news, I got a weird question on my Facebook page. They wanted to know what topic my book is. Obviously, this person has not been following my blog.

Sucky Sucky Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Sucky Sucky Day

My day started with waking up at four in the morning to pain in my right foot, which made my left jealous, so it decided to hurt too. I couldn’t take two pain pills because I had to be up in a few hours for the dreaded appt with dad. So I just took one and finally fell asleep for about an hour before my mother woke me up at 7. I have had shitty sleep the past four fricken weeks. I don’t remember the last time I slept for more than 6 hours straight. My average has been five hours a night. Doesn’t matter what time I get to bed, it is always about five hours. When I did get up before my alarm went off, my feet were still hurting me. Luckily I knew my right would tamper off once I started moving about. My left was up in the air as to whether it would comply with walking or not.

Went to my dad’s appointment and my dad, the juvenile that he is, proceeded to show me every cut on his face that he made with his razor. Are you kidding me? He is eighty-one years old. I told him he needed a new razor and he told me that the new razor is what caused it. UGH. Surprisingly, we didn’t have to wait too long for the doctors. Everything looks fine and we get to come back in three months for another follow up visit. Great. Too bad I still got to deal with my father next week too.

I got home about a half hour before my therapy appointment. And thank goodness I was home. I got the runs and I guess sharted myself without, of course, realizing it. That blew my temper. I also am now in another fucking mense cycle so that added to my joy. If I had a gun, I know I would have used it by now. My therapist would have been waiting for me to text her back and then worry when I wouldn’t answer the phone.

But the day is not done yet…on the way home, I got a wicked sense of paranoia/foreboding. Luckily by the time I got to the station it went away. I talked about it with my therapist and she said to add it to the list of things to talk about with my therapist. Fine. A couple hours later, I am back on Facebook and my vision blurs out. I cannot focus my stupid eyes on anything, even with my glasses on. The back of my neck hurts and then WHAM, I am hit with an ice pick in my eye, classic for migraine city. I am like you got to be fucking kidding me. I am laying down, trying to rest after dosing myself with my migraine medicine and aspirin, when my sister calls me to let me know she is home with my mother’s groceries. So up and down the stairs I go, a half a dozen trips. My ankle LOVES ME NOW! NOT!! My ankle is killing me. My head exploded and then I felt sick to my stomach. I thought I was going to puke. Laying down made things worse so I had to sit up in bed with the lights out. Luckily the damn sun was doing down so my room got really dark. I keep it that way anyways because I am so sensitive to light that any brightness will trigger a migraine attack. My head finally cleared up when I decided to blog, otherwise there probably would not be a blog today. I wouldn’t be able to see what I was writing as my vision was so impaired. I really hate when my migraines cut my vision like that. It is really scary.

The best part of the day though was when my thumb started doing its twitching thing. I kept thinking it was my imagination (like I hoped it would be), until I placed it on the laptop and then my hand started twitching. Fuck. Now I really have to say something to my doctor about it. HA, but which doctor should I choose: psychiatrist (could be side effects), neurologist, or Primary? I don’t see my neuro till April and it doesn’t happen all the time. But it is getting more frequent in nature. I am not sure what it is. It could be nothing but a spasm or maybe carpel tunnel? As if I don’t have enough to worry about…