Tag: depression

Play it again, or not

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Play it again, or not

“Play it again” is my new favorite song by Luke Bryan. All of his songs make me happy and some make me think. But mostly, they put me in a good mood.

Today I thought I would write the same stuff that I have been writing all week: that I am in pain. But today, so far (fingers crossed), I am doing ok pain wise. My back is a little sore but I think that is because thunderstorms are supposed to happen sometime this afternoon. It is not fair that rain storms and thunderstorms take me out of the ball game when I used to like walking in them. Now I am in agony because it causes my pain to flare up.

Temp today has dropped a little bit. I still can’t wait to put in the AC in my room. My mother is not going to like it. But right now I can’t move the stuff that is on top of my AC because I don’t want to re-injure my back. I will wait till next week to start moving stuff. I also half decided that whatever is in the crate above the AC is going in the trash and being replaced by what is on top of the crate. For Christmas, I was given a Sox storage box. I have not assembled it because I don’t know where to put it, or what to put into it. Plus it is kind of heavy so I don’t want to put it together and not have the strength to move it to its home.

In baseball news, I am sad to report that the lowly Houston Astros have a slightly better record than my Sox at the moment. But they are last place in their division while my Sox are second to last, thank god. They are ten games back from first place, which is good considering it’s only the beginning of June. If we were talking the beginning of August, I would be crying. But win or lose, I am still a devoted fan. I will be going to the ball game Thursday night. I don’t know who is pitching as I am not sure of the rotation and MLB.com is no help. They are listing TBD for both teams.

I don’t know how good an idea this is seeing that a few weeks ago, the game killed me physically for three days. But I don’t have anything to do that Friday or this weekend so I can spend all day in bed if I need to. I probably will, depending on how much I walk or go up/down stairs. I have no idea where in the park we are sitting. I just hope the weather is good.

No therapy today and I am happy about that. I am having dinner with my cousin tonight and getting a haircut, finally. I just hope he cuts it the way that I want it. Usually he does but sometimes he doesn’t and it pisses me off. But it’s a free cut so I can’t complain too much. But my cousin is making burgers which should be good and fries. I am surprised I haven’t turned into a cow yet as I have been eating so many burgers lately.

Self-Esteem Around Bodily Functions

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression, suicidality

I slept most of the day today. Which was kind of good as I no longer have the back pain I was experiencing. Today was the first time since Friday that I have no back pain. Maybe it was just a flare up with the temp and I am on the mend now. I am so relieved. But that still doesn’t explain the extra leak I had yesterday. I was hoping it was sweat but it didn’t smell like it. I hate when I pee my pants. But it’s a part of my life now. I really hate it but there is nothing I can do about it. I could wear diapers but that can be costly. I don’t leak that much, so I am grateful for that. But it still doesn’t help my self-esteem.

I had therapy today but I have no recollection of it. I really wasn’t paying attention to what she was saying. She was going off about how I should get one of my nieces or my nephew to help me move stuff so I can get my AC in my window. I had to call time out because I really had to go to the bathroom to do #2. She knows that when I have to go, I have to go. I felt really bad as we were in the middle of session but, I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I didn’t want to crap myself. I apologized and she said it was okay but I still felt bad. I really felt horrible at having to put a pause to our conversation, even if it was crappy, just so I can relieve my bowels. I mean, I felt better physically wise, with the relief, but I felt terrible psychological wise. And I don’t know why that is. When you have to go, you have to go. But with me it’s a little different. Most people can hold their bowels. I don’t know how because it has been so long for me. I just know that if I didn’t stop our conversation when I did, there would have been an accident in my bedroom floor. And I think that would have made me feel worse than stopping our conversation.

While I was doing my business, she read one of the blogs I sent her. I told her it was how I felt. If I were to die tomorrow, I would be happy. Weird that the last dream I had, had to do with being suicidal. I was getting my pills to do me in and for some reason they wouldn’t fill it and it made me panicky. I was like oh shit. It was a really strange dream because in it, I was hospitalized for being suicidal! I guess being in the hospital has been on my brain a little more than it should be. I would like to be in, just to get a little routine going and someone to make sure I take my meds at the right time and stuff. But it also means suicide is on my mind a little more than I thought it would be. Funny how your dreams always tell you how things are when you are not thinking of it.

My pain is still there in my ankle. That is one pain that never goes away. Even while I was going through back pain, I still had my ankle pain. I told my therapist today that I am tired of being in pain all the time. I don’t think that went through her head. I don’t think she is getting me. And that is pissing me off. I just feel like I am crying wolf again. I say that I am suicidal, and everyone hears me. Then when I am really suicidal and in pain, no one hears me. It’s like they get so used to me telling them I am suicidal they don’t want to hear it anymore. It’s like “okay, you are suicidal”, just like when I say “I am depressed”. I am not expecting people to jump. I just wish they would listen to me a little more is all.

It’s after 0230. I woke up several hours ago and can’t go back to sleep. I just took my meds and my pain pills so hopefully, I will fall back to sleep soon.

I really feel down. And I don’t know what to do about it. Therapy isn’t helping. Meds aren’t helping. Why should I go on? There is no purpose in my life. I thought my book would be a good seller and I would be able to live off it a little bit better than I am now, but that was not the case. I still have not sold one book in the month of June. And all I keep thinking about is the taxes that I owe. I still have not received my payment from Kindle. I am hoping that will be sometime this month.

I guess my aunt that desperately wanted to talk to me, doesn’t. I have messaged her a few times and gotten no response. I know she is on Facebook. Just pisses me off. She has my number so why doesn’t she call me if it was that important? Just the way my family is. Hurry up and wait. One of my other aunts thinks that I am going to write a book about her family. She is nuts if she thinks I am going to work with her. Oh and the other big thing is that she doesn’t expect any money, just a little. PPPFFFTTTT. Not going to happen. There is too much one sided thinking with her and the truth will not come out about how the family really is. She will write it like we are all good citizens and such when really they are nothing but greedy assholes. I can go into more detail but I won’t as I don’t know who reads my blog. But that is the gist of it. And I refuse to contribute to the lies.

I think the “high” or upbeat feeling that I was feeling with the Cymbalta is coming to an end. I am starting to feel really down. But the good news is that I am not seeing my therapist today. My first Tuesday off from her. I wish we could meet in the evenings where I am a little bit more coherent but whatever. It sucks meeting in the morning. My thoughts are really together sometimes and I don’t remember half of what we talk about. Sometimes I am in good space and I remember, but most times I don’t. Therapy is so hard.

I need to buy tank tops for the summer. I only have two kinds and though I am fond of one, I can’t go outside with the other. My fricken boobs hang out too much. So I just wear them around the house. If I do have to go out, I will wear a t-shirt. I don’t have a sports bra. I haven’t worn a bra in years. I don’t even know my size anymore. And it doesn’t matter because I won’t buy them. I just don’t care to.

back pain and weight

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I had an okay day despite waking up in pain this morning. It was really bad as I could barely make it down the stairs to go to the bathroom. I had a little breakfast and then pulled some burgers out of the freezer for later.

I really didn’t go back to sleep too good. I kept dreaming weird things. I got up around two to make myself a burger and found my back was a little bit better. My sister was cleaning out my junk car as There was some stuff that I needed and others I did not. My brother in law was able to get the Fast Lane transponder down off my windshield so I can now use it on my sister’s car. After I ate, I went downstairs to see what really needed to be tossed and what to hang on to. I found my second Red Sox scarf and a vest from my former work place. That will be good once the weather becomes colder again. It’s friggen 80 degrees today and I am not happy. I took a shower and then needed another one because I was sweating so much.

I was still kind of hungry after bringing the stuff upstairs, multiple times. I am sure my ankle is going to thank me kindly later. So I made some pancakes. I put in all the ingredients except one, sugar. I guess it was ok, and it was, as the syrup made up for not placing sugar in the batter.

I am feeling really worn out despite not really doing anything. I have stuff to do on my game but I don’t really feel like doing it. I have the wither protection on it as I knew I was going to be sleepy today. Waking up in back pain really sucks. I took a shower and that helped as the pressure from the water really eased the spasms that I was having. I still don’t know what I did to cause this flare up. I usually don’t get back pain unless I did something. Makes no sense.

I started thinking about what I want to talk about in therapy tomorrow. So far I got nothing. I know we are going to talk about being in pain and how my pain has shaped my bad thoughts. There is just too much pain not to think about going away forever or sleeping and never waking up. Right now, I am for the sleeping and never waking up part. I just want a restful sleep and unfortunately, I just haven’t had it all weekend. It is making me cranky and a bit suicidal.

I find it funny (not the ha ha funny kind though), that researchers are finding that sleep problems in childhood has lead to obesity in adulthood. I have a lot of reasons why I am obese. And the sleep disorder would be one of them. The thing is, most of my problem is that the medication I take makes me hungry. So I eat. And eat, and eat. I am depressed so who cares if I gain a few pounds. And besides, I want to kill myself so really, who cares if I am overweight?? I have been overweight since I was in the third grade. I remember the pediatrician telling me about percentiles and where I was and where I should be. Like a 3rd grader can understand that shit. So instead of being 80 pounds I was 90, big deal. Course now, I have to be 125 and I am close to 200. I would like my ideal weight to be 165, and I am just throwing a number out there. I have been working hard to lose but it is so fucking hard. And because I feel like I am depriving myself of food, I get cravings. Like for burgers. For pancakes. Granted Friday and Saturday I really didn’t eat too much because I was doped up. And it is not like I have to eat on a schedule. When I was working second shift, I would eat anywhere between 6-8 pm, sometimes later if we ordered out. So I eat when I am hungry rather than at a set time. I don’t buy junk food anymore and I might have just four sodas a month, if that. And I know once I lose the weight, I will be able to keep it off. I haven’t weighed myself in a week or two now. But I will in the upcoming days. I have one week to lose a little more weight before my next doc appointment.

Chronicles continue

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

Chronicles continue

Although I had a good sleep, I still woke up with the same back pain. I really couldn’t do much today so I got my foam wedge and back supporter out. I put my feet up while lying on my back with the back supporter supporting my back. It was a homemade hospital bed. I was comfy and so took my pain meds with some Ativan and went back to sleep.

Now I have been up the last few hours and still a in pain. I don’t understand how this can be. Usually my pain is knocked out and I am fine because I am resting. Guess I really did something but I don’t know what. I haven’t lifted anything heavy or made some sudden move. I just know that I am hurting and I am getting worried the longer it lasts.

I would be listening to the game right now but I just heard through twitter that it’s 4-1 Tigers. Pedey hit a HR. Now if they can just have him in the lineup another four more times with Scherzer pitching to make it 5-4 I will be happy. But my luck, the next time Pedey is at bat, he will strike out. My Sox are sucking so bad right now. I know it was to be expected, but I really didn’t think it would be WORSE than the 2012 team. Well, they are not that bad, YET. And the problems are everywhere from the batters to the starting pitchers. I won’t talk about the fielding errors because there are young players in those positions so of course there are going to be errors. But the bats have been silent for the most part and the magic they had last year seems to have dissipated.

I really didn’t do anything today except sleep for most of the day. It’s kind of hard to do stuff when you are in pain. I didn’t read anything, yet today but I think I will later this evening. I finally am getting into “Far from the tree” by Andrew Solomon. It is a very interesting book. The next chapter is called “downs”, which I am guess has to do with Downs syndrome. I can’t wait to read it. I think people with Downs Syndrome are the most beautiful people in the world. They are just so cute. I know they have difficult lives and the syndrome varies but the characteristics of these people are to me fascinating. I had a coworker whose niece has downs. She is very beautiful, smart, and funny. I have never met her, but I get this from my friend. So I am really looking forward to reading this chapter.

You would think that because my back is hurting me, my leg pain that I have chronically, would settle down some. NOPE. It has not eased up at all. I am so sick of being in pain all the time. I can’t imagine living my life like this anymore. I have to call on Monday to get it refilled. I hope they don’t give me a hard time. I didn’t think I would run out because I really haven’t had too many flare ups over the last few months. SURPRISE! I had three flare ups, not including this back pain episode. And besides, my appointment was longer than the 28 days so I had no choice but to ask for a refill. I would have run out anyways. And all of this pain most likely has to do with the temperature going up and down twenty degrees. I HATE this time of year as mother nature is trying to decide what temperature she is going to be. It KILLS me, or more accurately, it PAINS me. I just can’t stand being in this much pain.