Tag: depression

Saturday blog 4

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Saturday Blog 4

I started doing this blog to ease into writing just once a week but it hasn’t turned out that way. I have been having a rough day staying awake. I woke up at 0230 after some dreadful dreams and could not go back to sleep afterwards. My sleep all week has been turned upside down because of these weird, disturbing dreams I have been having. I hope they go away but I am exhausted because I can’t sleep.

Today I forced myself to sleep a few hours by taking a couple of ativans this morning around 10ish. When I woke up it was about baseball game time. The Sox lost to the Indians. It was a very close game but fucking AJ sucked today as a catcher and batter and we lost the game. He is the one player on the team I do not like. I don’t know why.

I did go out to get my prescriptions. I got some candy because I felt like having something sweet. I should have bought the big bars of candy and not the mini bites. The mini bites are dangerous and can be eaten very quickly. I already have like 4 left in the small bag. They will be gone by the end of the day. My mother went to a graduation party. I hope she brings home some cake. I haven’t had it in a long time. I love cake! Not the frosting, well a little bit of frosting, but not much. I saw on Facebook a cool cake that if I make it to my next birthday, I am going to have my mother make. It is a loaf cake and if she makes her marble cake with vanilla frosting it will be superb.

I haven’t done anything to do with hygiene today. I don’t feel like brushing my teeth and I don’t feel like showering. I should brush my teeth as it has been a few days but we’ll see. It is just so hard to do when you are feeling down. The sox losing didn’t help my mood. My foot is still hurting from going to the game the other night. I still wasn’t in the mood to go. I think I need to be back on the Cymbalta. Since not taking it, my mood has slowly hit rock bottom. Course I keep forgetting to take the mood stabilizer in the morning. I am not good at taking meds in the morning/afternoon. One of the dreams I had (and there have been at least two) had me being in the hospital just to regulate my meds. I don’t take that many, just a half dozen or so (not including my Ativan or pain meds or other stuff that I take). If I take everything, you are looking at at least 20 pills. I would list them out to you but I don’t want to bore you.

I hope that I am “awake” when I talk with my therapist on Monday. It has been a LONG while since waking up in the morning and feeling awake, not rested, just awake and wanting to start the day. Lately, I have been awake but groggy and sluggish. I think it is most likely due to waking up at 0230 most mornings and then going back to bed around 5ish. I usually write when I am up. If I am up to it, I will blog but usually I don’t.

My latest favorite song is John Legend’s “All of Me”. He performed the song with Jennifer Nettles and Hunter Hayes at the CMT awards. I wish I still had it so I could show it to my friend in Canada who does not have the channel. But I deleted it after the show thinking someone would post the video on Youtube but they have not yet. I am sure CMT will post it on their website as it was a great performance.

I told my writing partner that this week I will be editing my second book. I won’t put it out in the same format as before. I think I will go with smashwords or Lulu to see if I get better sales. It will take me awhile to save up to pay for their services. I hope it will be worth it. I won’t be using an editor this time around because I think I can edit a few pages of stuff myself. My second book is just a collection of short blogs and a short story dealing with darkness.

I have not sold any books for the month of June. I am sad by this. I am going to try and put out an ad or something in the local newspaper. I have to do something to drum up sales. Using Twitter has not helped me as much as I thought it would. I am still hoping to find the right audience. I think once I do, the book will sell like hotcakes.

baseball blues

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Baseball blues

I don’t know what my problem is but I had the opportunity tonight to go to Fenway and I really did not want to go. I went anyway, hoping when I got there I could get into baseball, but I just couldn’t. By the 4th inning, I really wanted to go home. We stayed till the end of the 6th when Ortiz hit a homerun. It was the first time experiencing that. But I felt nothing. I just wanted to go home. And me being a big sox fan, something is just not right. I knew it was going to cost me, in being in pain over the next few days. Well it started by the time I left the park. By the time I got to my house I was limping. I just couldn’t stand the pain. I have no idea how I made it down the block.

My boys won, 5-2. They needed this win and I am glad they got it. I am glad I got to be a part of it, at least partially. Now comes the dreaded sleep I have been avoiding all day.

I had a nightmare last night. I got about 7 hours of sleep when I woke up at 0230 with a bad, really bad dream about my niece. She was floating in the bathtub like she had drowned. I just stared at her, no reaction as I couldn’t believe my eyes and then she said “breathe” and moved to another part of the bathtub, all the while floating on the water. She was dressed in pajamas, the water was flowing, and I just couldn’t pee (which is why I was in the bathroom to begin with). I woke up, went to the bathroom and that was it. I was up the rest of the morning. I didn’t go back to sleep till around 0500. I had another weird dream but it wasn’t something I can now recall. Something about a plumber or electrician is all that I do remember. I don’t know why I was dreaming this stuff. I had to talk to my therapist about it and she said that really my niece was me and I was the one who wished I was dead. That somewhat helped me but didn’t help getting the image out of my head. Every time I close my eyes, I see my little one floating in the water. Been like this all day. So, as you can probably tell, I really didn’t want to go to a baseball game with this weighing on my mind. I keep telling myself it was just a dream. It didn’t happen. And besides, the girl who played my niece looked to be like two years old and my niece is 9 and I seriously doubt she would let me in the bathroom to pee, in reality. It is just freaking me out. I am glad I have therapy Monday morning.

My ankle/foot is throbbing like no tomorrow. I really hope I can get some sleep without the weird dreams. But something tells me I will be in pain most of the night so who needs sleep??

crappy sleep = crappy mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I didn’t sleep very well. I went to bed at 5 and then woke up at 8, then 930, and I was done. I tried to go back to sleep but I just couldn’t so I got up and made some breakfast. Before I knew it, it was time for therapy and that sucked the life out of me. We both were not in a talking mood. The session seemed to go on forever. I am glad I didn’t ask for an appointment tomorrow. I need some time to regroup. We talked about the dream I had about killing myself. I don’t know if you can really kill yourself in your dreams. But the fact that I have been dreaming about it, says something.

I really just wanted to write and say that my day, though tiring, has been better than it was last night. I am not going to watch the train wreck that the sox are playing right now. I am going to go to bed. I just took my night time meds and a little extra to help me sleep. I just hope that because I am tired, I don’t get any of the spasticity from the abilify. That would so suck and I really don’t want to deal with that. It will send me over the edge.

troubles

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I am having a hard time tonight. It started with some panic attacks about my nerve condition. I had to talk to someone about it as I was getting really nervous but didn’t want to go to the ER. One of my friends from the support group gave me her number and we talk for a few hours. We exchanged stories and the like. It was good talking to her because she knew what I was talking about and that made me feel better.

I still haven’t had a chance to fall asleep. I am still in a lot of pain and it is keeping me up. I have my little sound machine on so that it calms my thoughts. I took two ativan and it still hasn’t knocked me out yet. I feel calmer, just not sleepy.

What set me off tonight was my bladder not functioning the way that it should. All day, I have had some hesitancy that has me worried. It could be because of my pain medication or my bladder getting worse, but as I have had back pain over the last few days, I am hoping it is not disc related. I see my PCP next Tuesday and that is a long time to wait to see him when you are anxious. I hope the symptoms resolve by the time I see him. I know what to do if things get worse but I rather not think about it. I hate having MRI’s done. I will need an IV for contrast so I will need to be hydrated so the nurse/technician can find a good vein. I just am really scared and my friend calm me down some. I know I will be better by morning, if i ever get to sleep. I am very tired but just not sleepy. I hate that.

I thought I would write because sometimes writing helps to put me at ease and help me to fall asleep. I just hope that I am not getting CES x 3. I will be very devastated if this happens, especially when I know I didn’t do anything. I have not lifted anything heavy. I have not picked up anything that might twerk my back or slipped or fallen. The only reason my back could be hurting is the change in temperature. And the pain has gone away. I am just left with my regular stupid ass leg/ankle/foot pain. And tonight it does not want to calm down. Course I took my meds a little later than usual. I was watching the Sox game so time escaped from me. I should have taken them when I came home from my cousin’s house. That would have helped some because I know it was going to flare up tonight.

I feel like I am going crazy. I emailed my psychiatrist to let her know what was going on. I usually don’t get panic attacks like I did tonight. I am usually able to handle them better but tonight I just couldn’t deal. My defenses were down for some reason and I just couldn’t cope. It was really difficult asking for help but I am glad I did reach out and someone answered after midnight. It is now 0400. I am going to try and sleep now. Just hope I don’t dream of being back in the psych ward again. That dream totally freaked me out. I was dreaming of ending my life and got very upset that I couldn’t have the pills to end my life. I woke up wrecked. It has been a bad day for me emotionally and physically. No wonder I needed to talk to someone. I am so glad I have therapy tomorrow. I am also going to see if the Bozo has time Thursday. I am supposed to go to the Sox game but maybe she has an afternoon time before the game. I don’t know. I hate feeling vulnerable. PTSD makes you feel that way.