Tag: depression

Alka-Selzer and therapists

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I nearly just had a heart attack…not a real one just an OMFG YOU GOT TO BE F*N KIDDING ME one. I started word and instead of it loading right away, I got an install thingy, meaning it had to reinstall itself. HUH?? I know I uninstalled office 2013 earlier in the day, but that should not affect 2010, should it? Well, crisis averted because it seems to be working.

I have had a rough day. I again spent most of my session talking to my therapist about writing. Apparently she thinks I should be working on another book, like now. My first one hasn’t even been edited or published and she wants me working on another. Well, that’s a NO. I don’t think she gets that I am not a writer. Sure, I blog and I think I am good at that, but I am not a writer per se. Anyway, all this stress about writing books is making me want to drink. I would actually drink but my stomach is doing flip flops after the burger I had for lunch and my head is spinning because I haven’t worn my glasses for a couple of hours. HELLO Alka-selzer. Because isn’t that what you take when you have a headache and stomachache? I actually like drinking it. It is fizzy and usually tastes good. And it works fairly quickly.

Tomorrow I get to deal with my father. Got to take him for his blood work. I called him today and he was a little irate. Tough shit. I know if I was him, I would opt for a different medication but unfortunately he is (well, will be) 82 and has liver problems so it is kind of limiting what meds he can be on. So I have the aggravation of dealing with him every week for his blood test, unless I hear back otherwise. Did I mention I hate my parents this week?

I usually don’t deal with them on a regular basis. But since I have been getting up early, before 9 am, I have been dealing with my mother. She hasn’t learned that don’t talk to me before I am fully awake yet. So when she tries to have conversation with me that early, I am usually in a pissy mood. I am not a morning person. Today wasn’t so bad because I was actually really awake when I woke up from another weird fricken dream. I don’t remember it but think it had something to do with farms. I made coffee today that was a little stronger than the cup I made the other day. It was good but unfortunately, once I brought it to my room, aka freezer, it got cold really fast and I couldn’t finish drinking it. I had half a cup and that seemed to do it’s magic. It got me working on one of the manuscripts that I have been crafting…and I found that I repeated myself multiple times. UGH. Each time, I worded it differently so that made editing soooo much easier, NOT. I talked about it in therapy. Wrong thing to be talking about. She didn’t understand my dilemma. It didn’t piss me off but it just annoyed me because we were again talking about writing, rather than other stuff.

I don’t know what exactly I wanted to talk about today so I just let her lead me to what she wanted to talk about than what I wanted to talk about. We also discussed writing a book about my therapist experiences. That would be one interesting book. I have had 12 therapists over the course of a ten year span. She is number 12, and she almost wasn’t. After number 11 left me, I wasn’t sure I was going to go back to therapy. I was tired of therapists leaving me. Granted not all 12 left me. A couple I fired, but the majority moved on from their practice and so left me behind. It hurt every time. And that is a big hurt when you are trying to let someone in, you do, and then they leave. Moving on is harder because it just closes you up more. Today, my therapist can’t imagine her life without me in it. And I can’t imagine my life without her, though there are times I wish I could sever the connection. But after 13 years of dealing with her, I think she is a permanent fungus. There is no cure for her.

Aggravated

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Aggravated

Last night I heard the beep-bloop of the TiVo indicating to me that my show was being canceled. I thought it was a mistake because I know my mother wouldn’t cancel one of my shows. She usually goes to bed around eight and the show was recording at eight. Found out today that she did fucking cancel the recording and my Bones episode didn’t get recorded. I am beyond pissed. After dealing with my mother yesterday morning, her waking me up from a sound sleep, she had the audacity to tell me today that I am sleeping too much. WTF. I can’t take living with my mother anymore. She is driving me nuts with the TV being loud. I cannot believe she told me that. SHE has no idea what my sleep has been like lately. And I got practically no sleep the night before so of course I slept most of the day yesterday. It just pisses me off to no end because she is just a bitch. She doesn’t think she is one but she is. And she is so inconsiderate. Like when she says jump I am supposed to say how high. Fuck that. She asks me to do anything, it’s not happening. My monthly payment to her is going to be lower this month because fuck her. I pay the cable bill. I am behind on it anyway so I can justify not paying her half my check.

I was in therapy today and we talked about my writing. She wants me to continue writing my connection piece and she thinks my “write the pain” blog should be included in the book. UM, I don’t think so. The book has nothing to do with pain. Sometimes my therapist is a loony tune. I swear we spent the majority of the session on my writing and my book. Still no word from the editor on when she will be working on it. I swear when she tells me she is, I am going to be popping Ativan every hour. I am going to be a wreck. The editor has been having some problems so I think there is going to be more of a delay. But if she doesn’t get back to me by the end of the month, I swear I am going to ask for a refund. I will take my business somewhere else. I can’t be waiting forever.

I went to the post office today and then went to my sub shop for a couple of slices of pizza. Now I am hungry again and I want a burger. Think I will just make a bowl of cereal. I know I am hungry because I didn’t have my usual breakfast of a fried egg and toast. I could make that for my dinner tonight. Trouble is, my ankle is still bothering me so standing for any length of time hurts. I just walked to the sub shop and when I came home I was hurting. I don’t have a car. I wish I did. I would take it to my other sub shop to get my burger. But then I don’t need the headache of car and insurance payments.

I told my therapist today that I hope to see her in person next week. I am planning on taking my sister’s car and making the trek to her office. I hope that I can take my sister’s car that day. I need the car this week to take my father to his fricken blood draw. He doesn’t know this yet but I will call him tomorrow and tell him. I just hope it doesn’t snow that day. It will suck and I hate driving in that muck.

Luna’s Gone

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain

Luna’s Gone

I have had this song stuck in my head for most of the day. It is a song by Mary Chapin Carpenter on her Between here and gone CD. I was listening to this CD the other night. Her music is so soothing to me.

Having a rough day. Had to deal with my mother that woke me from a sound sleep so I could put on compression stockings on her. Not a good thing when you only got crap sleep to begin with. I am still pissed and I think she overrided my Tivo to not record one of my shows. I will be very upset and she will hear about it. I hate when she doesn’t let me record my shows. I pay for the damn cable dammit. But I am so sleep deprived, I don’t want to go downstairs and see if she did or not. I don’t have the energy to explode on her.

I have been in pain most of the day. It has been hard walking around because I am having problems putting weight on my foot. It doesn’t like it. And it is the same pain that I have been experiencing last night. My last three toes on my left foot have just exploded and hurt very badly. My big toes feels like someone is trying to cram it into something or make it shorter than what it is. I just know that I am in mega pain and I am not happy about it. My big toe really feels like some one is trying to snip it off too. I love these weird sensations that I get. Got to love nerve damage, NOT.

I figured out that my foot weakness is part of the problem. If I try and work my ankle/foot into normal moves, it becomes fatigued and then it starts hurting. The longer I try to keep my foot in a certain position, the more fatigued it gets and the more I hurt. I don’t even realize I am doing anything out of the ordinary because don’t all people keep their foot in a flexed position while walking or sitting? I think they do. I can’t seem to keep my feet flat on the ground like you are supposed to, mostly because I am short and the chair makes my foot dangle. Anyways, whenever I try and keep my foot in that upward position, my pain goes through the roof. It is not right away, because what fun would that be. It has to come out right before I want to go to sleep.

Last night I only slept for about 45 minutes to an hour when I had a strange, disturbing dream. I dreamt that someone had left me a comment on my blog telling me to kill myself and how to do it. The weird part of it was that it was in my handwriting. Creepy. And it scared me. I told my therapist about it tonight and she doesn’t know what to make of it. So much for dream analysis. She is getting worried because the dream process was so quick. Normally you need at least ninety minutes to reach REM sleep. I am achieving it in less than that time frame. When I see my psychiatrist next week, I will bring it up. Maybe I need to see a sleep specialist or something. I already have trouble sleeping but it’s not because of insomnia or overthinking. It is because of fricken pain. And this pain is just so bad I really just want to chop my foot off. But I don’t know if the pain is what is causing my sleep to be so disorganized. I really don’t know. Sometimes I can’t sleep because I have to write something. I have to either physically or electronically write something to “calm down”. And then once it is out of my system, I can go to sleep. My sleep pattern has been the same for the past three weeks. I sleep in three to four hour stints. It is rare that I sleep continuously straight for six hours or more. I am hoping I sleep at least six hours tonight as I am really tired.

Ramblings 67

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about things. Some I can’t really grasp. I was pain free for a few days and now I am in some pain, especially when I bear weight on my foot. It is making walking and going down stairs difficult. I got up early this morning and had coffee. I really want to take a pain pill but I am supposed to go out with my friend today. Trouble is, he hasn’t gotten back to me about what time we are supposed to go out. I am really frustrated with this because he does this all the time. He says lets hang out and I am left waiting for an email on when we are going out. I guess I am just annoyed easily these days as my anxiety has been through the roof.

I hate being in pain but I don’t want to sleep all day because that is what will happen if I take my pain meds. The pain is tolerable and like I said, as long as I don’t bear weight on it, I should be fine. But that also means I am stuck on my bed where I can elevate it. I am already bored. I have maxed out my game rewards. I can’t do anything on my game for another couple of hours. Baseball game isn’t for another hour. I think I will listen to the game. I probably shouldn’t have had coffee as it gave me energy and now I have nothing to do with it. I don’t know how I am going to take a shower today. It’s like everything I want to do, I can’t because my damn foot is bothering me.

I have been on my laptop most of the morning transferring the Sox game to my computer so I can transfer it to DVD. My first go round with my old laptop didn’t work. And I would like to watch the game today as a reminder of what it was like to win the Series. I just hope that MPEG4 can be used on DVD players. I know nothing about the technology. For all I know, it could be the wrong one. There is one for iPod/iTouch so I think MPEG4 is the right one for other players. But we’ll see. I know I won’t be able to play it on my DVD player because it is too old.

It’s getting to be lunch time and I need to make myself something to eat. This is going to be a challenge being on my feet. Think I will take something so I am not in horrible pain afterwards. If it makes me sleepy and my friend calls, maybe I will go out anyways to wake up. If he doesn’t, like I know he won’t, least I will be medicated and not in so much pain.