Tag: depression

write the pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Write the pain.

For those that are frequent blog readers, you know I write about my pain, physical and emotional, most, if not all, the time. It has been the cornerstone of my blog. I can articulate what few can and my readers like what I write because they can relate.

Writing about pain has been a staple of my blog. It seems I cannot write without some measure of pain. It can be the pain associated with depression. It can be the pain associated with the chronic pain condition that I have. It can be a pain that keeps me awake at night. The pain that tears at you and is unrelenting. Whatever type of pain that I have been feeling, it has caused frustration, anguish, despair, suicidal thoughts, and agony. It makes you dread waking up in the morning. It makes you want to sleep forever, to have this escape of no consciousness. It wears you out. And exhausts you. It causes you to be unmotivated. To want to stay in bed and not face the day. But for me, it also has been the stimulus behind so many writings. I write about my darkness that is a short story. I write about the chronic pain and suicide ideation that happens frequently.

Pain has been sadly, the inspiration to write this blog because it causes such dark thoughts, and by dark thoughts I don’t mean just depressive thoughts. I’m talking about suicide ideation. Thoughts that make you think you would be better off dead than to continue living. Dark thoughts of suicide, the ones where you cannot express in normal conversation. Most of my dark thoughts are expressed in this blog because the therapist hours do not occur between 11 PM and 3 AM. It’s hard to find any here to listen between those hours. So I read about the pain. I write and I write till I am succumbed by pain meds or psych meds or exhaustion. I write the pain. Because if I did not have this outlet, the dark thoughts would take over. And I would cease to exist.

Pain is exhausting, be it physical or emotional. And to have both occur at the same time is just torture. When the meds don’t work, when the pain is overwhelming, when all you feel is anguish and misery, that is what causes you to feel like life is not worth living. Writing helps to express what I cannot it sort of makes life more bearable as the father of suicidology has said many times, decreased the psychache (pain), decreased the suicide. I have found writing the pain decreases in my dark thoughts. This doesn’t mean I have found a life worth living. It just means life is more bearable for me.

world needs a dimmer switch

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I have been in a stupid depressive state the past few days. I just don’t feel like doing anything. I haven’t left the house except for going to other family member’s doctors appointments. I just feel wicked run down.

I didn’t write yesterday because I just couldn’t think of anything to say. Today I don’t have much to say except that I am depressed and don’t feel much like living. I am not really suicidal. I don’t have any plans or anything but I just am struggling with making my mind work so I can write again. I hate when writing is a struggle for me. And the only thing that I really have been writing lately is this blog. I have run out of ideas for the connection book I am working on. I am not depressed enough to continue writing my darkness story, though I am thinking of adding it to my book so it will be published. I think I will add it as an addendum or something.

I hate it when I have the depression that makes me want to do nothing. It’s like everything is in slow motion and people are throwing me fastballs. I just can’t think. I can’t read. I can’t do anything. I don’t get dressed. I don’t shower. I don’t brush my teeth. I just stay in my room all day and check Facebook. I don’t even play my game that often anymore. I literally have nothing to do on days I don’t have therapy. And I hate not going to Starbucks. Sure I am saving money by not going, but it doesn’t get me out of the house. I don’t even crave coffee while I am home. I have been debating making a cup most of the day. It is still early enough to make one but I just don’t have the energy to do it. I am not making excuses. I really just don’t feel like doing anything. And if I think of doing something, it just takes so much energy.

Like today I wanted to make pancakes. But every time I went into the kitchen and thought about getting the ingredients together, mixing them up, using the flat iron to make them. It just overwhelmed me. So I had a bowl of cereal instead followed by some marshmallows. I think the marshmallows were overkill as I feel really nauseous right now. Either that or I am getting a migraine. That’s the other thing that gets me. Why do I get a migraine when I have not done anything except go out my bedroom and see light. Bright lights always trigger a migraine for me. I am just that sensitive to light. I HATE bright days. And now that spring is coming there is going to be more bright days. That depresses me. I don’t like spring or summer. I know it’s baseball season during those seasons but I just don’t like the brightness. I wish the world had a dimmer switch. Because when you suffer from migraines, light hurts.

I don’t know what I am going to do this weekend. I have nothing planned but then, I usually do have nothing. Except for sleeping. Today I went back to sleep and had a good rest until my mother woke me up to ask me about some actress. UGH there went the good sleep I was in. I think if she didn’t wake me up, I probably wouldn’t have gotten this stupid migraine.

I also think that I have lost interest in Twitter. I used to check it so often during the day that I thought my data usage was going to go through the roof. I have unlimited but I only use twitter on my phone as it’s easier for me than the computer. But like reading, I have slowly lost interest in it. I still check it during Red Sox training games as they are not all televised. I guess just the “home” games are and the “away” aren’t. Anyways, I check the score and how the players are doing. I haven’t been doing it all day like I used to. I like twitter because there is only a 140 character limit (like a text message) and usually the pics are only seen if you click on the tweet. Makes for easy reading and scrolling. Unlike Facebook where everything is shown and you can write essays for your status. I really would love to unfriend some people because all they do is post bullshit sayings or repost this if you believe in god or want cash or luck or whatever. It is just so annoying.

transgender and exhaustion

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicidality, transgender, writing

I thought it would try this out again. I have been having a sucky day. I took a shower today and afterwards, I was exhausted. But I had therapy so I couldn’t take a nap. I slept till about nine after a crappy sleep. I didn’t wake up restful.

In therapy, my therapist read my blog and she was interested in my dreams. I knew this would happen and I didn’t feel like talking about it. So I avoided the subject again. We talked instead of all my dinner with my cousin and the depression that I’ve been feeling. She wanted to know more about my depression symptoms but they seem to have eluded me. It was like they were out of my grasp. It wasn’t like she put me on the spot or something of the sort. I just couldn’t remember what my symptoms were that I had written about in my blog. We talked about my death wishes briefly but that that make me feel any better. In fact, I had totally forgot what I had written about. I knew I had written about my cousin’s dinner, and about my dreams, but I forgot about the death wishes. The death wishes are mean wishing that I was dead and not seeing the future in my life. She asked if I could see anything in my future and I told her no. She brought up my book and that just gave me anxiety. I still haven’t heard from my editor and the longer I don’t hear from her, I feel more anxious.

We also talked about being transgender, which I didn’t like too much. She said that my book would be helpful for those with my issues but I don’t really see that as happening. I see my book as being a flounder. I don’t really think it’s going to sell at all. I think that I have too many issues in my book. When I have a mental illness, I have cauda equina syndrome, and I have the transgender issues. That’s a lot to write in a short book. But then, I have never been one to exaggerate. I don’t believe in hyperbole. I think it’s silly and dangerous. I really don’t know what people are going to think when they actually see me after reading my book. Are they going to think that I’m just a lesbian? Are they going to think that I’m faking it? I can’t hide what I feel. And I know that being in the body of a female is very distressing to me. I try not to show it usually but it’s there most of the time. I am not one to think of other people’s thoughts. Because frankly, I could care less. What other people think of their going to think and I have no control over that.

I have seen my therapist three times this week. It I still feel like I should talk to her one more time. I don’t know why that is. It’s not like I’m in crisis, I guess it’s just because I feel alone. Since having to deal with family issues, I have not had any time for myself. I stayed in my room but it’s not like I’ve gotten anything done. The only things that I have done, are my blogs. I haven’t gone to Starbucks today. I just can’t find the energy to get dressed, to check bus schedules, and then to leave the house. I then have to walk to the bus stop. And that seems like an awful lot of energy for one cup of coffee. I could make it at home but I don’t feel like it in the rush that I get. I just really want to sleep. I father’s doctor will be calling me tonight and I’m really not looking forward to it. It’s not like things will be bad, I know it won’t. But it’s just a hassle of interfering with my rest that is bothering me. I just want to be left alone today and not have anything to do. I would like to finish my book but I don’t think that is in the works. I did however, find the fucking beeping fire alarm finally. It is the one to the entrance of the door and I can’t reach it because a) I am short and b) it’s above stairs. I have to wait until my brother-in-law gets home. So until then, my mother and I have to listen to the beep.

just so frustrating

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I just came home from eating dinner at my cousin’s house. We had a good time. I told him about my book but didn’t say anymore about the content of it. He is one of those people that thinks that if you don’t talk about suicide, it doesn’t exist. He doesn’t know about my attempts for this reason. He doesn’t want to hear about it. He rather hear about how crippling my depression is than hear about how suicidal I have been. It is a barrier so we just don’t talk about it.

I also didn’t talk about my being transgender. He made a comment tonight about how I am his favorite girl or something to that effect. I wanted to correct him but then I figured why bother.

I had an extremely long day that was mostly dealing with my family members. I think the only two members of the family I didn’t have to deal with today were my youngest niece and my brother in law, oh and my nephew. So three. I am exhausted just thinking about it. My morning was filled with going up and down stairs. My ankle is thanking me kindly right now with pain. No matter as I am about to take my night meds and go to bed. I am hoping that I will stay asleep till eight but I doubt it. My track record hasn’t been good and I didn’t get a good night sleep last night. I went to bed after two in the morning and then woke up an hour later. Took some Ativan and only slept for two more hours before I said the hell with it and stayed up. I lost track on how many hours I have been up. Plus I am sick so that doesn’t help me much. If I continue this way, I know I am not going to get rid of this cold.

I had therapy today and my therapist was on her high horse, which pissed me off. I warned her that if she didn’t settle down, I was going to hang up on her. The one advantage of phone sessions. I finally told her about what my AAS blog is going to be about. I didn’t tell her at first because I wasn’t sure if I told her what I did and I was afraid that she would be mad at me or get all worried on me. I don’t know when this post is going to be published but when it is, I will reblog it here. I think it is an important post about chronic pain and suicide.

Tonight while I was over my cousin’s, I was thinking of suicide and how I don’t think much about it these days. I guess because my chronic pain is well controlled and I am not hurting too much these days. But the depression. Man, that is a whole other can of worms!! That is making me wish I was dead so bad. I just don’t want to be alive and there is really no one I can talk to about this. I haven’t been able to tell my therapist because we have been dealing with my family issues lately more than my suicidal thinking, or death wishes. They are more like death wishes than actual suicide thoughts. I am not planning my death or anything. I just wish I was dead. I dread waking up most mornings. I have been having bad dreams. So I can’t even have a restful sleep even if I wanted it. It’s so distressing. I haven’t told my therapist about the dreams. She knows I have been having weird dreams but not every night. She doesn’t know that and I am afraid to tell her because I know she wants to talk about it. I would talk about it but I don’t remember the dreams. I remember the people in my dreams but not what they were doing or anything like that. It is so frustrating. And makes me wish I was dead all the more. I just want to escape. I need a place I can go to without judgment and criticism. Away from my family for a little while. I don’t want to go into the hospital because they aren’t going to do much for me and will most likely make my sleep worse. Plus I am not suicidal so it is not like I need to be in the hospital. I just want to die. I feel like the future is closing in on me where it was expanding on me before. Maybe I don’t have a future. I still believe that I am meant to kill myself. But I don’t have the lethality to actually follow through with it. It’s just so frustrating. I can’t live and yet I can’t die. WTF am I supposed to do. Yet I continue to exist. And I don’t like it.