I got to a unit that has internet access. It is difficult writing on my tablet, but not impossible. I feel really paranoid with being here. No med changes have been made yet, though I think they are increasing my meds tonight. I feel safe but I don’t it’s hard to explain. I have a semi ok doc. and it remains to be seen about my case worker.
I will be typing up a longer post when I get out. But for those that follow regularly, I wanted to write a little something.
Yes, my baby has been returned to me and she appears all well and good! I got the delivery just before 1. Now I have a decision to make regarding the hospital, should I go in now or tomorrow. I still am feeling edgy, though the psychosis seems to be lessening. I just don’t feel right. Maybe talking with someone will help and being in the ER environment sometimes is enough to get me back to where I need to be. If I just pack a few clothes in my back pack and stuff, I might just look like I am going in to talk. If I do get hospitalized at least I have my larger bad packed and my sister can give it to me. But then I will be dependent on her and I hate that. I just know that if I carry all my stuff they will talk me into the hospital where as if I just carry light, I might not.
I hate these decisions and I know that it just comes down to me. I just hate when it always falls on my shoulders. I feel is so much responsibility and I just can’t bare it. I would love a ride to the hospital as that would make it easier than taking public transportation. I just wish I knew what to do. I just called my therapist. I already texted her but she doesn’t always respond right away. I would page my pdoc but she would just leave the decision making to me. I know what to say to get admitted and what not to say. Thing is, being psychotic never bodes well for just saying hi and bye. I am really struggling with myself and I don’t like it. It’s like I am drowning and every time I come up for air, I get pulled back down.
I really hope my therapist has a session today. Then maybe we can talk and tomorrow morning I can just go in without worrying about canceling my appointment with her.
I am not feeling good today. I had a rough night of sleep. I really want to get to a Dunkin Donuts for their Roasted Dark coffee and a couple of donuts. But I am too lazy to walk there. Actually, I think that if I did, I would be hurting as my ankle is still tender and sore.
I still am feeling like going to the hospital would be best, if only for a few days. I just am feeling really anxious and stuff. The voices seem to have settled down some but I just can’t stand this depression. It is dragging me down like no tomorrow. I thought today I would be able to work on my editing but I am still overwhelmed with it that I don’t want to try. If I didn’t see the blue screen of death today, I might have tried but I can’t risk losing my files. I have to wait for the new laptop tomorrow before I work on it. I should be home all day tomorrow so there shouldn’t be any problems.
Once my laptop is safely in my possession and I know that there are no problems with it, I will make a decision to go into the hospital. I probably won’t go in till Tuesday. I was hoping for tomorrow but now that doesn’t seem likely as the delivery won’t be till after 2 pm. By the time I get to the hospital it will be kind of late and I might not get where I want to go.
I’m still feeling paranoid, just have the sensation of being watched all the time, and not in a good way.
Having a really rough day. Talked to my therapist this afternoon and she really thinks I should be inpatient with the psychosis being active. I am torn now because I think I do need some stabilization but I am so afraid that things might not go as I think it might. I was having little dreams last night where I went in and because they wouldn’t give me my pain meds, I flipped out, which is never a good thing on a psych unit. I demanded to be discharged AMA (against medical advise) but there is always a three day waiting period for you to be evaluated and such before they grant you discharge or not. Plus I am hoping I will have access to my tablet so I can listen to music or I will go nuts while I am there. I have a blue tooth headset that I can use so I don’t have to worry about them taking away my wired headphones.
Today I am still overwhelmed. I didn’t have a good night last night because of pain. It kept jolting me into panic mode so I had to take another Ativan to calm down. Eventually I fell asleep. But now I just feel on edge and like I am being watched. I guess you can say I am paranoid. I don’t like being paranoid. But I am in the safety of my room so I know that nothing will really hurt me while I am here.
I had to copy the music that is on my phone to my laptop so I can then copy it onto my tablet. I don’t remember the last time I updated the music folder on my tablet so it will be good to have my current playlist and stuff.
I got a call from Dell saying they received my laptop and are working on it. I am glad. I was getting worried about it as it has been almost a week since I sent it out FedEx. I hope my baby is still in one piece. I also had a worry that I might not be able to get my laptop back as my mother is deaf and can’t hear the stupid doorbell. If I am in the hospital, it might not get back to me right away. There is no one else that can sign for it as everyone else has work or school. Great. Just when I think I can go in, I think of something to prevent it from happening. I know that I shouldn’t care and take care of myself and all that but you don’t know what is going to happen when you are inpatient. You might be there a few days or a few weeks. You might have cell phone privileges or you might not. Either way, I can risk my baby sitting in storage while I am in the hospital. If I don’t pick it up by the time they specify, they might return it back to Dell and that would soooo suck!! I wish I knew why it took so friggen long to get it to Dell. Last time it only took 3 days! I am just wicked anxious right now. I probably am just rambling over nothing.
I just feel so overwhelmed and I don’t know why. I really am thinking of going to the psych ER. Sometimes just sitting in the waiting room calms me down enough that I tell them I don’t need to be admitted, that I am having a hard time and stuff but I don’t need to be in the hospital. I had that happen to me when one time when I was psychotic. I ended up going in the hospital a few days later but still it saved me a weekend trip in the hospital. I still haven’t packed a bag yet. I have no idea what to bring or wear. I mostly just pack a pair of jammies, underwear, socks, t-shirts, and sweatpants. I usually wear a pair of jeans when I go in. I figure I don’t need much because I can always wash my clothes if I have a long stay. But deciding what book to bring and stuff always gets me. I usually try and bring a good book that is light, even if I don’t read it. My last admission I brought a Cognitive therapy suicide book. It helped me to do the exercises and stuff, got me thinking on how to get better. I was half way through it when I got discharged and have not touched the book since then.
It’s so hard going into the hospital. I have been inpatient more times than I like to admit. Before the age of 25, I had almost 20 admissions. Since then I have had almost ten admissions. I think this time will be my 31st or 32nd, so I know what to expect, how long the wait will be, what to bring, what not to bring. I do know I have to make a medication list and bring my hormone pills just in case they don’t have the brand I am using. And I have to stress to the admitting doc that I take all my meds at night, which is not an easy task as things get lost in the shuffle. It’s easier when it’s a day admission and you actually meet the psychiatrist you are going to be seeing. But it’s rare that this happens. My only fear is a body search, where you have to undress in front of a staff member. Those things are so humiliating. But I understand them as patients try to sneak in contraband or worse drugs to shoot up or snort while in the hospital. The worst part are the smokers. They no longer let people who smoke out for a break as most hospitals have a strict no smoking policy. The worst is being around them jones-ing for a butt. They are provided nicotine patches but I don’t think they work for some them. Also what I find silly is that you are allowed to charge your cell phone but you can’t use it on some units. I hope I get admitted to the hospital I was at before. It will be a pain in the ass to get home from if I don’t get a ride but at least I know I can use my cell phone and tablet without a problem.
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