Tag: depression

My hospital admission 10-2013

Day 1:

Lost a few blog followers today. Kind of sad about this. But I know there are days where I can get as many as 5 new followers in a day so I am not worried. I just have to wait for that day. I haven’t had much sleep in the last 36 hours. I had a late admission to the hospital and didn’t get transferred till 4 am. To say that I am tired is an understatement. Hope to get some sleep tonight.

Day 2:

Woke up in a grumpy mood and the first thing they tell me is they need vital signs. I wait where I am supposed to. This idiot student person takes them and almost gags me with the fricken thermometer. I am not happy. No sooner had I had breakfast of sausages, another MHC (Mental Health Counselor) asks if I had vitals. I say yes and she acts like she doesn’t believe me as she then asks who took them. Fuck you.I wanted to scream at them.

I’m in my “corner” of the hospital that is vacant at the moment where I won’t be bothered.
No med changes have happened yet. Wish they would. I just want to leave even though I just got here. I don’t care anymore. I am already sick of the routine already.

Hope I don’t have any meds this morning . Unless the MD fucked up again. He changed my abilify instead of the Ativan order. I wouldn’t mind an Ativan right now.
Just had a check in with the MHC. Told her I was grumpy and paranoid. She wanted a student to sit in on our conversation but I wasn’t up for it.

I got my morning meds. It was my anti-inflammatory medication. Guess they don’t have my extended release form so I will be taking it three times a day.
JACHO just removed my space. I am not happy about this. Hope that when they are done the space is back. Still have not met with any member of my treatment team yet. Lunch will be here soon. I am getting hungry.

I just listened to some music in my room. My tablet doesn’t have any playlists yet so I am just shuffling all the songs. I am still in a grumpy paranoid mood. My fricken wristband that you have to wear is too tight on me but they need to scan it to give you meds so I am stuck with it.

Just got kicked out of the kitchen because they need to clean it. Today is just a pissa of a day. I should have just stayed in my room.

1300: Starting to feel wicked agitated. Told staff and they had me write out my feelings. Then I got asked if I wanted to go to a dissociation group that is invitation only. Wonderful. I feel like flipping out and they want me to go to group. Wish I was home. I could take an Ativan and lock myself in my room and just zonk out. Urges to cut are strong today. I can’t stand listening to the voices in my head telling me to cut anymore. I am thinking about drawing marks on my wrist with my red pen. I don’t think that will fly too well. Fricken group starts in like 5 mins. Meds are starting to kick in and writing has helped a little but anyways. Going to write my therapist a letter.

Day 3:

Had a sucky day. Night before had a lot of noise going on in my head. I didn’t feel safe even though I usually feel safe while on the unit. Felt paranoid most of the day.

Day4:

Woke up early today. Had breakfast and coffee. It wasn’t Starbucks but it isn’t acid either. I’m still feeling paranoid. Can’t believe that I’ve had to see my contact person twice in a shift. That almost never happens. But I guess I just needed extra support today. I changed my birth name on the unit to my initials. I couldn’t take seeing my name postered around the unit anymore. This is the start of a holiday weekend. Just lovely. They had therapy group today but I could only stay a few minutes. Voices kept making fun of everyone in the room and I couldn’t take it anymore. My hospital band keeps digging into me. It is very annoying I got a few friends on the unit. Last time I met someone that we did keep in touch, least on FB. We kind of drifted apart but still say hi every now and then.

I don’t expect any visitors this weekend. I am still not sure how I am getting home. It worries me because I know that I have to take a shuttle, a bus, a train, and then another bus to get home. I am looking at at least a 3 hour commute. But I don’t want to worry about that now. I’ll worry about that closer to discharge.

Every night since I have been here I have woken up early and needed pain meds. I have them every 6 hours as needed. I really want to rip this medical band off. It’s starting to dig into and activate my urges to cut. Every time I come here some alarm goes off. Granted the first time I was here it was kind of my fault. A suicidal patient put a bagel in the microwave for twenty minutes and left it. We had to evacuate the floor. We were the only two laughing our heads off. After that we weren’t allow together anymore. She tried to kill herself at least two times on the unit. It was sad. I never knew if she made it.

Talked with my mother today about general stuff. I didn’t ask who she told I was in the hospital. I really don’t care at this point. Noise finally stopped. Hope it stays that way. The noise/alarm was telling me to die.

I took a two hour nap today. Hope it doesn’t affect my night time sleep.

Day 5:

Woke up after having an almost solid eight hours of sleep, which is hard to do usually in the hospital because of checks. Just had a check in with my contact person. A contact person is someone you talk about your day with, go over your goals for the day, go over any problems, etc. I like my contact person. She seems to be the only one that gets psychosis.

I can’t really say I am having a good morning. My Sox lost last night. I couldn’t bear watching the game last night because Lester wasn’t on his game. Hope today they have better luck. But if they don’t swing the bat, it’s going to be hard getting runs.

Just had breakfast. Tea with some banana muffins. I don’t usually like banana muffins but these are mini so they aren’t that bad. This is what is usual for weekend breakfast. They serve like a continental breakfast.

I hate waking up so early. It’s going to be a long day.

Day 6:

Felt sleep and psychotic most of the day. Then I kind of lost it tonight as I felt scared and wanted to barricade myself in my room. I told a staff member before I did anything as I didn’t feel safe. I just feel really scared because the normal voices aren’t there anymore. The contact person had me take my meds early and see if that helped. I’m back in my room. I wish one of the roommates would come in so I don’t feel like blocking them out. Also had delusions of the staff cutting my arm with the blood pressure cuff.

My friend thinks this is a grief reaction to my transgender issues. But I don’t think so. I think it’s just the pressure of getting my first book done has just messed with me. I think if I was working or had a job this probably wouldn’t have happened. Any time I get stressed, I become psychotic.

I need a pain pill but I can’t get one until 12 or so. I hate having to wait around for stupid schedules. I hope tomorrow is better. I really want to feel safe. What set me off tonight is that on of my normal voices is gone temporarily. The medication got rid of most of my voices, good and bad. Now I don’t have anyone to talk to. It’s very lonely in head right now and I don’t like it. It’s a very weird feeling. Also another patient had physical contact with me today that set me off. She touched my arm and it just made me feel really paranoid. I know she didn’t mean to do it and I told it not to touch me. This is after she told me that I looked like her dying sister.

Day 7

I’m kind of pissed. I had a rough weekend and now they are talking about discharging me. WTF. I am not feeling too stable but if they push the issue, I will go home. I rather sleep in my own bed anyways. But the weird thing is that the staff told me this like I accomplished some kind of goal or something. I am wicked pissed. I am not really feeling safe to be home yet. Last night I was so scared I almost barricaded myself in my room. But whatever. It is what they perceive it to be. I hate day shift. I really do. Always have.

Not really hungry today. But I forced myself to have a bowl of cereal and made myself a cup of tea. Tea was better than the cereal.

I hope I will be able to go home by T ok. I’ll ask my sister if she can pick me up but if she doesn’t, I’ll just have to go by T (public transportation). It’s a cool day today so I hope what I brought to wear will be warm enough.

I talked to my treatment team and they are not discharging me because I had a rough weekend. I feel relieved.

Day 8:

Went on fresh air break, where we walk around the grounds of the hospital for a little bit. It was good to get outside. I haven’t felt like writing much today. My brain feels foggy. I had two cups of strong tea and I am still sleepy. I guess the Ativan is kicking my butt. My plan of taking my pain meds with my night time meds hasn’t worked. I still woke up at 03:30 in pain. I hate not being able to take my pain meds like I do at home. Two pills seem to work better than one. I will hopefully be discharged tomorrow. I think that I will be taking the T tomorrow as no one can pick me up. I am already dreading the commute. I’ll make sure my headphones are charged so I can at least listen to music during the commute.

I wrote my therapist another letter. She loves getting them. I talked to her yesterday and she was so excited, the weirdo. It was funny.

The paranoia and voices seem to be less today. I am jut really tired because I woke up again at 3:30 and then again at 08:30. I tried to nap during the day but it was unsuccessful. I have a new roommate and she reminds me of Luna Lovegood in Harry Potter. Only difference is that she doesn’t have blonde hair.