Tag: depression

school shooting and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Well, like very year, it is one extreme temperature or another. We had mild weather last week and today we are dipping close to freezing. Some places had snow or frost this morning! And it’s not even Halloween yet!

My mood has been bleak the past few days. Tuesday I had a rough night of pain so was popping pain pills until I got relief or passed out. Then I was hungover most of yesterday so was not able to blog at all. I was too foggy brained and slept most of the day.

I had therapy yesterday and my therapist asked how my suicidality was. Frankly, I don’t know anymore. I know I don’t want to live but yet I have no plans of making that happen. I stopped the scheming and planning a while ago. I haven’t really felt suicidal in any sense of the word for over two weeks now. I feel that if I talk about it, it might come back so when she asks me about it, I generally say no but she doesn’t believe me. Course I have been suicidal nearly every day for the past 9 years so how could she believe that my suicidality has suddenly cease to exist. I don’t know what brought over the change. Maybe because I am not psychotic anymore, the suicidal feelings went away with the increase in medication too. Not really likely, but it is possible. I don’t feel any different. I don’t feel horrendously depressed and I don’t feel happy. I just feel nothing. Just a blank slate. My mood is dependent on other things. My taste buds still have not been the same. Yesterday I was having Pad Thai and the voices were telling me that mice were in there. It was hard to eat but I knew it wasn’t true as if there were mice at the restaurant, it wouldn’t stay in business. I know that not all kitchens are perfectly clean but the food tasted the way it should, except for the chicken. I don’t know what my problem is with chicken lately. I either love or hate the smell or can’t stand the taste. Even if my mother makes chicken cutlets, sometimes I can’t stand to eat it. It just taste funny even if it is bought and made that day. So I just ate the Thai noodles. I really just like the noodles but I guess you need to have protein. Maybe next time I will get tofu and just take it out.

I am watching my niece this weekend and I am kind of scared. I never watched her for more than a few hours. My biggest fear is that she won’t listen to me or worse, be late for school because she won’t wake up and do what she is supposed to do. She has a routine that she has to do every day for school days. This is why I am not a parent. I can barely take care of myself, let alone a little one. I hope that it goes well and I am worrying for nothing.

I finally got Pearl Jam’s latest CD. I don’t know how I feel about it. There are only like three songs that I really like and the rest are just ok. I have been listening to Siren’s non stop since I came home.

The day after the school shootings in Nevada, there was another that was closer to where I live. A high school teacher was killed and a student is in custody. I don’t know the specifics of the shooting. I just know that it occurred in a town north of where I live. I feel more upset that this happened in conservative Massachusetts. The state gun laws have changed and yet this kid still managed to get one. Unbelievable. The high school was closed today for grieving. I suspect it is going to be a long year for these kids. When I was growing up, you had to watch out for other kids getting killed not teachers. Gangs were rampant and so were drugs. At least three of my former high school classmates are dead because of drug overdoses. Then there are the ones that are still fighting the addiction. Some of my classmates are doing well today. They have graduated from college to become nurses and businessmen or work in healthcare. Our twenty year reunion is coming up next year. I wonder who will be showing up.

tiring but exciting day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

I am feeling really tired today. I woke up early and couldn’t really go back to sleep. I had a weird dream that I woke up at around four o’clock in the morning. I was having back surgery again for cauda equina syndrome and it was really weird because I could see myself lying on the OR table with my mother. Then after the surgery and I woke up, they had me walk to my room rather than wheel me. Once I got to my “room” which was like an amphitheater, I was asked a bunch of questions to determine what my diagnosis was by amateur actors. I don’t know what the hell that dream means but it was interesting to say the least.

I saw my PCP today for my monthly pain management. Every month it’s the same thing and every month he pokes and prods and I am in agony for the rest of the day. I am hurting so much like I was last night I could just cry. Last night was really bad. I had cutting urges really bad because I just couldn’t take the pain anymore. It got to be a nine before I was able to finally doze off to sleep. I think that was why I was dreaming about surgery.

I am tired, did I mention that? I feel like I am coming down with a cold or something so I got to increase my fluids over the next few days. I think a cup of chamomile tea will be on the docket for tonight. I cannot wait for tomorrow night. I am all excited about the World Series. I didn’t realize the Sox was playing in town. The city is going to be nuts tomorrow. I am staying in. All I want to do tomorrow is pick up my prescription and have Pad Thai.

I was talking with a former coworker today. He is so funny. I love him as he always makes me laugh. He wishes me well with my book. OMG I forgot to tell you guys that I emailed my Idol and he gave me his consent to write about his stuff. I got a beautiful email and I am just ecstatic!!! I felt really good about it. He remembered me from my Poster session when he was inn Boston. I didn’t really talk to him much when he was in Baltimore. Course I was crying the whole time he was giving his acceptance speech for the award he got for his work in suicidology. I really adore this guy. In case you don’t know who I am talking about, my Idol is David Jobes. I love his work with CAMS and if you do a search on my blog for Jobes, you will find the relevant blogs associated with that name. I write a lot about his work because I believe in it. He is the only one to have a systematic approach to assessing and treating suicidality with the Suicide Status Form. I could go on and on about him but I don’t want to bore you.

So his email made my day. I cannot wait to tell my therapist tomorrow. She is going to be so fricken crazy, more than I am. I literally was not going to check my email for the rest of the day but his email came in like almost an hour after I sent it off. I get to keep all that I wrote about his works and the Aeschi model. I had to read the email twice to make sure it said what I thought it said. He really hopes that my book does well.

I emailed my psychiatrist today to let her know I was doing well and was off the trilafon. I had to stop taking it as it was really making me fuzzy brain and interfering with my thought processes, which is its main function. Also told her about Jobes’s email. I had to let someone know!

I am just tired. Plain and simple.

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide, suicide attempt

I have done a lot today. I started the editing process of my book and shouldn’t have added some pieces but then I took away some things, so things evened out a little bit. The page numbers do not correspond to anything right now so I have to go through page by page which is a hassle. The title chapters are becoming clearer so I am happy about that. If I stay on course, I should be ok with a Nov 16th publishing date so stay tuned!!

After the editing, I decided to watch the football game. At half time we were leading 21-13. Or maybe it was 21-17. I don’t know. I was kind of sleepy and not interested in watching the game but felt I had to. I had some French fries for my lunch/dinner and then retired to my room where it is fricken cold. I am waiting for my brother in law to come take the AC out of the window. I just texted him to let him know that I want it done today. I am so proud that he has learned to text. When he got his new phone, he had no clue and thought it was a game. I guess they text him a lot at work and he got a little aggravated one day, saying to my sister that this game just won’t stop. She laughed and said that is the text messaging. He can be a little old fashioned but I love him. He really is a good guy.

It has been good that I am home. I didn’t do too much yesterday as I was so sleepy. I said I was going to sleep for a half hour before the game and the next thing I knew we won and the game was over thanks to Victorino’s grand slam! I can’t believe I missed the game!! I am so mad at myself.

I think I kind of got my therapist worried a little bit. She asked if I was suicidal and instead of giving her an answer, I said that I don’t care, which is true. I don’t care if I am suicidal or not anymore. It’s not like I am going to act on it so who cares! If I was going to act on it, I think it would be more dangerous. So I just don’t care if I feel suicidal anymore. It’s not like they lock you away in the hospital anymore for days on end. In fact, unless you actually act in the hospital to harm yourself, they will just discharge you no matter how bad you say you are going to harm yourself. So I am just DONE with the whole business of it all. And it’s not like she helps me while I am suicidal. She doesn’t implement the SSF or safety plan or any of the other things that will ease the tension of suicidality. She just increases sessions where we don’t really talk about anything. My psychiatrist just relies on me to tell her about my symptoms. If I am not telling her I am having symptoms, then to her, I am fine. I just am so sick of being in a constant suicidal state and not being able to do anything about it. I can’t take my life so why bother being suicidal? I mean I can take it, but it’s too much of a damn hassle. I am tired of the planning that goes into a suicidal plan. I am tired of the contracts for safety telling my therapist I will not act on it no matter how bad I really want to kill myself. I am just tired. Plain and simple.

stress and psychosis

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychosis, suicide

This was the first day that I have been out of the hospital. It was nice. I got to meet with my psychiatrist and we went over my medication plan. She doesn’t want me taking too much trilafon for a long period of time and I told her soon as I stabilize on the abilify, I should be able to come off it. So far today, I haven’t needed it so I am hoping that is a good sign.

I went to Starbucks today and typed out my admission experiences. I filled in where I felt I needed to. I thought it was cool to write it down but didn’t expect it to be so long, so I am sorry about that.

It feels so good to be back in my own bed, take my meds when I want to rather than on a schedule and also to have my pain meds when I need them. I flared up my pain over the last few days because I did too much. My ankle is pretty swollen and hurts really bad so I am hoping to stay in the house tomorrow and do nothing except edit my book, least the few pages that I have already done so. I feel that I need to get going or this thing is never going to get published.

I am glad the fog has lifted enough for me to write this blog. It was so painfully difficult to write while I was in the hospital because my head was out in outer space. The few lucid moments I had was when I was writing my experiences or writing to my therapist. I honestly have no clue what I wrote to her.

This hospitalization was a scary one. I have never felt unsafe on the unit before. Usually it is my safe haven. But the paranoia kind of got out of control and things went from bad to worse with in a few hours. I was needed more support than I ever did during this admission. I never was so scared before as I was this time. I hope that I never become as psychotic again. I told my psychiatrist today that I don’t want to mess with the abilify dose at all anymore. I can’t afford a melt down when the dose is lower. She agreed with me. I also have to work on my stress levels. I can’t get overwhelmed too much because it always causes havoc in my life. No matter how insignificant it might seem, I always become psychotic when a little stress enters my life. This book is a big deal to me and I know it is stressful but I have to take it in spurts and not do it all at once or I will end up back in the hospital. The sad part is that not too many staff knew about psychosis and so I wasn’t treated properly. They wanted me to use grounding skills, like if I was having flashbacks or other trauma symptoms. Psychosis is not a trauma symptom. It is its own illness and the staff didn’t get it. My treatment team did for the most part but the nursing staff could use a little more training. I should have written that as part of the exit interview thing I had to fill out before being discharged.

I did have a good staff member that did understand. She wants a copy of my book so I will send it to her when it gets published. So far she is the only one that seemed interested in my work. I had a few patients that were interested so I gave them the website to my blog as there will be information as it becomes available for it. I am hoping to get it done within a month or by the end of the year. It all depends on how quickly I can go through the editing process and have at least two people read it to make sure there aren’t horrible grammatical errors or repeats in information.

I still can’t believe how much I was doped up while in the hospital. But it was a good thing. I didn’t harm myself or barricade myself while I was there. I did try to manage what I was eating but that was difficult. I did go to bed after I took my meds because my day always started off early and most nights I was there I woke up around 330 in pain. I am so glad I can take my pain meds now and not have to bother anyone with it or tell them my scale of how bad it hurts. I can just pop two pills and be done with it. I do have to find another flavor or powerade or Gatorade though. The ones that I have been using suck after the first sip. My taste buds have been awful lately. Nothing really tastes good. Even the coffee and donuts I was eating today was terrible. I know part of the reason is because I am still depressed. I just hope this phase passes soon. This is the first depression in which my taste buds are affected.