Tag: gender affirming surgery

Trans joy is real

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, FTM, gender dysphoria, grief, mental disorders, mental illness, PTSD, suicide attempt, transgender

TW suicide

I am experiencing trans joy!! Much better than euphoria. I am finally me. I attended a transgender conference about gender affirming care and I resonated with the speaker. As I walked I kept looking down at my chest and wondered where my boobs were. Top surgery has been so wonderful for me. I realized I am no longer a bearded lady but a true man. As sad as I am about my mother’s death, I know it was a blessing as she was so against top surgery and I know I would not be able to handle her negative comments. I am finally happy with who I am. I may not have a perfect chest but I think the surgery went well. Last year at this time I was recovering from a suicide attempt due to dysphoria. Amazing how things can change in a year. Trans joy is real.

I vaguely remember how confused and psychotic I was. I was admitted for 30 days to a hospital on the north shore. About 2 and half weeks into the stay, I found out my surgery was postponed and I was bullshit. I wanted to die and I know if I wasn’t in the hospital, I would have tried again. As the social worker told me, this was life- saving surgery. It was so hard to believe this when my mother was dying. Too much was happening after my surgery. My mother never saw me once the bandages were off. It is just as well as the night they came off, my scar became open and I bled. I had to pack the wound for weeks. The scar isn’t pretty but I am hoping it will fade with time. I know my mother would bitch about it with her sarcastic comments that would hurt me. I am glad she isn’t around to hurt me anymore. She didn’t like me being trans and she didn’t like me getting top surgery. But I had to be me and have this surgery that was so important to my mental health.

Today was the first time I was looking for my boobs and was happy that they weren’t there anymore. I felt more confident in myself. I didn’t really meet anyone at the conference. I was way older than even the speaker of the gender affirming care presentation. I’m lucky my genes have me still look like I’m in my 20s. I’m happy I got up early for this. I was nervous because I am not a morning person and I woke up at like 330. Luckily I fell back asleep without a serious hangover effect. Otherwise I would be kicking myself for missing today’s events.

It was really hard to feel euphoria after my mother’s death. The sadness I had felt for months continued for several more months. She has been gone for six months and I am post op 6 months. It’s a happy and sad predicament. Grief is something I don’t always control. It comes in waves. Not only am I grieving my mother, but the self that was dysphoric for so long. The teenage me who didn’t understand why I had breasts in the first place. It’s a lot to process. It is especially hard with depression that has been bad all week. I never thought I would feel joy until today. I know it may not last long but I have the scars on my chest to remind me of it.

post op day 30 top surgery

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, FTM, transgender

Post op day 30 top surgery

I am healing well except that I had some fluid build up again. I got to go back to the clinic on Tues. If there is still more, they are going to put in a drain for a week. I have a scab on my left nipple that doesn’t want to come off. NP said it will on its own once new skin grows. I don’t know how long I have to wear this binder but I think it will be a while, sadly. It annoys me. I want to be free but I also don’t want my chest to be drained.

I had therapy today. We talked some more about grief and my sadness. She is worried that the grief could make the depression worse and then I would become suicidal again. I didn’t mention that I felt that I need to be in the hospital with her. I think if I tell her, she might be like ok. I just feel sad all the time and she said not that much time has passed since my mother passed away, which is true. It’s only been a little more than three weeks. She wants me to do things but she won’t say what things I should do. I don’t think there is a DBT skill for grief. I told her I would read more. I just got a new book from the library. I haven’t started it yet. I wanted to today and might before bed. It is a bigger book than I thought it would be so reading it might take some serious time. I tend to read a chapter and then put the book down. Sometimes I pick it back up but most times I wait till the next day. I remember when I used to just read right on through. I guess it depends on my attention span. I can follow Twitter easily because it is short posts, even though some people make long posts now that Musk took away character limits for those that pay for the site. It is easier than a thread sometimes. But I am not going to pay for the site. It is going downhill and I fear in a few years, it might just be a memory.

I wish I could call my mother. Just to hear her voice again. I have a couple of voicemails but it isn’t the same thing. I didn’t think it would hit me this hard. I knew she was going to die and stuff but I really thought she would survive at least a year with the diagnosis. She was in a lot of pain and I guess that took a lot out of her. I am glad she isn’t suffering anymore. No one deserves 24/7 pain unless they are child molesters/rapists.

With this binder on for who knows how long, I really can’t go in the hospital because it will be a safety concern. I am not suicidal but I have stuff I could overdose on and just hope for the best. I don’t know if that means I need to be in the hospital. I was feeling that way before I left the hospital and the staff knew I had stuff. Hell, they were discharging me with a script of it! Only problem is that there is no guarantee that I will be back at that hospital if I go in. It took a few days in the ED for me to get a bed there. I think I was in the ED on a Wed and didn’t get admitted until Friday.

I bought the new Linkin Park CD. It came today and I should be excited but I am not. I haven’t left my room since I got the message it was delivered. I don’t feel like leaving my room for anything except if I have to use the bathroom. I just took my night meds. I might take some Benadryl as my allergies are killing me. Normally, I would take another Allegra but the Benadryl will help me sleep some. I have my grocery delivery tomorrow. My niece isn’t home so it will be me taking the stuff up the two flights to my room. I ordered a lot of Gatorade as I ran out before the end of the month. Hope I get everything. I have to be careful because I am not supposed to lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk.

day 5 post op, feeling shitty

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, transgender

Day 5 post op, feeling shitty

I woke up once during the night. My mother and sister were up. My mother was congested and was coughing up shit. I don’t know if she was puking or not. I made sure she was okay and then went back to bed. I took some pain meds because I was hurting. There is an area on my chest that twinges. I am not sure if it is incisional pain or the nipple reattaching but it is weird. It doesn’t hurt but it does throb. I hurt the left side when I got up around 10 to empty the drains. OMG the pain was bad, I could hardly move. I shuffled to make coffee. I just feel shitty and worn out. I don’t have a fever.

My mother is feeling better today. She is more alert than she was yesterday. It was so difficult watching her be so lethargic because her sugar was so low and then even when we brought it up, she didn’t come out of it. We just let her rest.

Sox are winning right now 6-3 over the O’s. Houck is pitching good today, so far. I just hope the bullpen doesn’t mess up the score. We need a win.

I hope the drainage from the drains continue to be less. I had 30 mL from the right side today and about 10 on the left. The right side is more swollen than the left, even though the left hurts more. If it stays at 30 mLs, I could have the drains out and see what my chest looks like! I am so excited to be flat. I have waited for so long. It is a dream come true for me. I am finally who I am meant to be. Now I just need to get rid of some of my belly fat. I plan on trying to walk more now that the weather is nicer. Nothing drastic just a block at first and see how my foot reacts. I still am protective of my CRPS foot/ankle. I see my pcp this week about it. I hope she will put me on some meds for it. I am almost out of gabapentin. I hope my doc will refill it tomorrow.

I have therapy tomorrow morning. Lots to discuss. I have a new body that I still haven’t seen yet. I have to take Ativan to calm me down because the compression vest is getting me all anxious. I can move my chest but I feel like everything is constricting me and it feels like suffocation. I was able to have a bowel movement today and wipe myself. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to reach but I was able to without pain. I still need to take some Miralax to get going but I have appointments the next couple of days so I will take it when I am home. I have no idea where I put the vouchers for the taxi that I got. It’s not where I thought I put it. Hope I didn’t throw them away by accident.

I am so tired today. I tried to nap earlier but couldn’t get comfortable. It takes a lot for me to get comfy these days. I have to be careful moving my arm as it pulls on the drain and hurts. Just sucks. Really hope tomorrow is a good day for me. I will know in the morning if I will be going in to take the drains out. All depends on how much fluid there is.

twitter rant 07022022

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, FTM, gender dysphoria, mood disorders

I got my blinders on and my anxiety has taken the reins. We were able to talk about it. I got one of the reins back but not the other one. I am so set on disappointment that my suicidality is in only mode which is a huge red flag. Therapist knows this even though I am being vague. She said psychologically I am ok to have the surgery but that doesn’t mean my physiology is ok, meaning the damn BMI may hinder surgery. I need to wait till April 19th with this weight of anxiety on me and suicidality. Every day is going to be hard and this dysphoria doesn’t help. Hating my body because I am not a male is killing me. I want to be flat chested and I don’t care if I have nipples or not. That isn’t important to me. Having the breast tissue gone is what is important to me. I won’t have bottom surgery because my privates don’t work right as it is. Taking out my clit and vagina doesn’t appeal to me. I actually like them so they are staying. Uterus is gone so no more periods to worry about. But if my size is what is going to keep this breast on, I am dead. I have it all planned out. Which is why I am trying to remain hopeful it will go ok and I won’t be rejected. If I have to wait due to damn covid fine. But if I have to wait because I need to lose 40lbs. Nope. Nice knowing you all. Blinders are saying this. I need More options or the entrapment I feel will suffocate me. Constriction and perturbation is high. That is all I will say for now.