Tag: grief

Quiet Monday 24072023

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I woke up to my med alarm but didn’t get up until an hour later when my bladder said get up NOW. I got up to pee. Went back to my room to take my meds, Went back downstairs to brush my teeth. Then I made coffee. My sister was home and was helping my niece rearrange the room. I stayed out of the way and went to the kitchen for coffee. I had two cups before returning to my room.

I had therapy soon. I had no idea what to talk about as I woke up kind of still sleepy and headachy. It was not a productive session. I was talking about random things that happened since we last met but nothing to talk about in depth.

After therapy, I tried to take a nap. But I had to pee again. Went and then I had some cake my sister made. It was good. I needed to eat something but didn’t know what. I went on the porch and my ramen noodles were gone. So was my Velveeta mac and cheese. I found some rice so I made that. It was ok. I wish I had chicken breast so I could roast it. With some potatoes too. But I didn’t have it. I need to buy some. I probably will next week.

My check wasn’t deposited in my account today. Hope it will tomorrow as I set up an appointment with my barber for a haircut. I’d hate to cancel.

On edge

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

This morning, I woke up from a bad dream. It was a culmination of stuff I’ve been reading on social media the past few days. Unfortunately, it involved my friend and her kids and so was that more upsetting. I had to take an Ativan. There was a pt that kept wanting to talk to me but I didn’t feel like talking. He then swore at me. I blew him off. He started swearing at staff so security was called and he was brought to another room. Long as he was away from me that was all I cared about.

I met with the doc. Told him to change the migraine med to a prn order rather than have it as a one time dose. I don’t know if he will as I am leaving tomorrow.

My knees have been bothering me for more than a few weeks now. I asked my pcp’s nurse to change our appt to in person so I can see my pcp about it. I am really scared as knee problems run in the family.

I told my sister I would pick up some burgers for dinner tomorrow night. I’ll also get some coffee pods as I think I have just one left. I’ll also have to get half and half.

I am reading a suicidology book and it is not as interesting as I thought it would be. Not sure I am going to learn anything new other than finding out what is meant by Qual and Quant research. Chapter I am reading now is about Indigenous populations so it is interesting. I might finish reading the chapter today. There is nothing going on today.

In a grumpy mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CRPS, depression, grief, mental disorders, mood disorders, recurrent major depressive disorder, transgender

I’m in the hospital. I’ve been here since Thursday. The depression and grief were just so overwhelming that I didn’t want to live anymore. So before things progressed to a bad place, I got evaluated. Sleep has been an issue so we are working on that while I am here.

I had a difficult night sleeping. For some reason dreams hurt my head and give me severe headaches. Not fun waking up to them. My foot also flared up (CRPS) around 0530 so I had to take pain meds. Then I was pretty much up and didn’t go back to sleep. My BP and heart rate were up this morning. I’m not surprised. I have been working with a friendly LGBTQ nurse the past few days. She had to give me my T shot today and they ordered it for the glut muscle. She was good. The only thing that hurt was the pinch of the needle.

I’ve had three cups of coffee today, all caffeinated. Has not helped my headache. Hoping tylenol will. I have been using diclofenac gel for my knees and it has helped so much. I haven’t been doing stairs so still not sure if that is a problem for me. At home, stairs would hurt my knees going down. Going up, not so much. I do stairs a lot when home because my room is above the living area.

I hope to be going out today for some fresh air. One of the MHS’s will be taking me. Depending on how well she knows the hospital, I might give some history. I did the last time I went out. It was cool for me to speak about it. When I leave, I want to take some pics of the current construction so I can remember how the Bulfinch is right now. I love that building so much. It was built by my favorite architect, Charles Bulfinch. He has a place in Rockport that I really would love to see. The place is I think 1.5 miles from the commuter rail stop, which is too far for me to walk right now. I might take an Uber if I go this summer.

I went to a webinar yesterday. CAMS care hosted Dr. Thomas Joiner and his theory of Interpersonal Theory of Suicide. It was very interesting. I learned a lot and got my wheels turning. I might write about his theory in a future blog. He is coming out with a new book in Jan/Feb and I can’t wait to read it.

There is another pt here who is trans. I am glad I got to meet them. I hope we can stay friends after the hospital.

I am tired. I hope today goes OK. Also hope this fog I am in dissipates. I am going to try sumatriptan to see if it helps this headache. Could be migraine activity as it has gone on for a few days now. I just feel shitty. I went outside and it is nice out. Hot but a dry heat. Not too humid.

Just don’t want to adult today and just sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I was up again during the night. I read some. It got me thinking stuff I should talk about with my therapist but when I woke up, I didn’t feel like going to therapy. I should have canceled but kept the appt. I got up to pee and took my meds. Then rested a little too long. I got up to make a cup of coffee a half hour before therapy started.

She was in one of her moods. I was in mine and it ended with me not talking for most of it. I told her I’ve been alternating between depression and sadness. My appetite has been low or not existent. She wanted me to do something about my grief and I told her I didn’t know what to do with it. She wanted me.to work on something so I said I’d straighten out my room. Then she scheduled our next appt. Was useless. I have such a headache from being tired. I need to get at least some of the boxes in my room out so I can move stuff. Except I just want to lay down. My iron pills came yesterday so I am taking them at night. I sent a message to the doc asking if the slow release was ok. My insurance isn’t covering what she called in.

I feel so depressed and aggravated. I wish she would just let me talk about whatever I wanted to but no. She wasn’t having that today. She can be such a bitch at times. Will be 4 years we have been seeing each other. Can’t believe it has been that long.

I had a second cup of coffee with some cookies. I bought the new Oreo cakesters which are really good but I lost interest in eating them. Just hope no one eats them. My niece has been eating my Mac and cheese. I don’t have an appetite today. I’ll just have an Ensure. I still need to brush my teeth.

Sox play at 4pm today. They lost last night, again. It hasn’t been fun seeing them lose. The Rays pitcher is a Sox killer so I don’t even know if it will be worth watching. Could be another painful game. I’m not really in the mood. I just want to sleep. My niece is graduating tonight. It’s raining so I hope it is indoors.