Tag: grief

Rainy Therapy Tuesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Rainy therapy Tuesday

I went out to my therapist office today. I was early as I took the highway rather than the back roads. I went to Walmart and bought some more PJs. They were cheaper than Target. I also got some summer ones so I don’t have to worry about ordering them. I was tempted to buy more T-shirts because they were less than 5 bucks but I refrained. I have a shit load of them and my mother will kill me if I get more. Then after I paid for my stuff and went out to the parking lot, I forgot where I parked. I couldn’t find my car. I was getting panicky because the keys were visible. I don’t think I locked them in the box you put them in. I was two rows away from my car so no one stole it. It gave me a nice heart attack for a while.

Therapy went ok. I thought I was going to cry but I didn’t. I forgot to tell her about the movie playing in my head. I will tomorrow if I remember. All we did was talk about the wake and funeral. We also talked about the aunt that I hate that disrupted the wake line. That really pissed me off. Still pisses me off because she had no right to be at the wake to begin with. She hated my father. She didn’t even go up to the casket, damn bitch. Who goes to a wake and doesn’t pay respect to the dead? My dramatic aunt, who has to have the attention on her at all times. We also talked about the hospital. She said I could still go in if I wanted to. I will ask my psychiatrist tomorrow what she thinks.

We also talked about my writing and how hard blogging has become. Sometimes I can get off more than 500 words but lately, it’s been less than 400. And that is after three hours of trying. I just haven’t been in a “groove”. Most of the time, I start a blog and it takes me a long time to think of something, anything to write. I just stare at the blank screen or cursor after I wrote some stuff and nothing will come. I get distracted easily and my thoughts are just blank. It’s really tough because I don’t know if it’s the depression or grief that is making it hard to write.

I took the back roads home and barely made it on time back to the zipcar spot. I hit every fricken red light on the way home. It was ridiculous. I am glad I didn’t stop at McDonalds like I wanted to. I wanted to get a big Mac as I haven’t had one in years now. But I didn’t want to stop because I wanted to return the car on time. I did, however, stop to get a bottle of wine. I wanted a Mark West Pinot Noir but they didn’t have it. I got a more expensive wine that I wanted with my Thai food. I had the Thai food but had a coke instead. I want to save it when I have good Thai food or something I really like. Or just have a glass when I feel like having wine. It’s rare but I do crave a glass now and then.

Somehow on the way home, I lost cell service. I didn’t know until I was at the train station and I was checking my messages. Luckily, a restart of my phone worked and I had service. I had a few texts. But my sister was trying to get in touch with me. She cleared out my father’s apartment today. We were going through his things. The guy saved everything. We found envelopes of people we didn’t know that sent him cards as well as the cards. Going through his clothes was the hardest because we knew how much he loved them. We are going to donate the good ones to a business success company. I got to call tomorrow to find out where they are. They are located in the town my father lived so that makes it easier.

I found the divorce papers in with my father’s stuff. Ironically, he was divorced on his 67th birthday. I had remembered that it was on his birthday but not the year. He hated my mother for divorcing him because he “did nothing wrong”. I can go on and on with the wrongs he has done but I won’t. I’m not ready to. Maybe after he is cremated, I will.

Rainy Monday 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rainy Monday 2

I woke up this morning around 0600 in pain. My left leg was hurting so bad and my ankle too. I took some pain meds and was able to get back to sleep for a couple of hours. I made some breakfast, which aggravated my leg some more. It’s raining out and I think that is why it is hurting. I took a stronger pain med and now I am so sleepy.

I woke up from my nap. Had the strangest dream. I wish I could remember it but I don’t. My foot still hurts so I took some more pain medication. I knew today was going to be a pain med day because of me waking up in pain and it raining outside. Not a good combo.

I asked my therapist if she had any cancellations for today to let me know. So far she hasn’t had any and I don’t think she will. I guess it’s kind of good because in about forty-five minutes or so I am going to be sleepy again. Pain meds will do that. I have the Zipcar for tomorrow so I can see her in person. I reserved it early and gave myself plenty of time because last time I was close to being late, mostly because they changed an exit on the route I take and I had to go around. I also want to go to Walmart to see if I can get Sox PJs. The ones I have are wearing out and I want to replace them before they rip to shreds.

Today is the first day in months that I had at least two meals that were more than I could eat. This morning I had toast and two boiled eggs with Ensure and for supper, I had chicken cacciatore. My mother made it and it was very good. I ate a bowl with some bread and now I am bloated. In between, I had some pretzel nuggets because I was hungry. I didn’t eat lunch because I slept.

It’s been a week since my father passed away. I am still feeling numb and sad at times. I haven’t been listening to music because I don’t know what I want to hear. I start with one artist and then get bored and have to change to another artist and it just gets boring. Nothing is helping my mood. I have a few people that are worried about me because I have depression. My psych and therapist are worried, I know that. I still haven’t had a good cry about my father and I don’t know if I want to. If it happens, it happens. I just hope that I am home when it does. I hate to be on a bus or train when it happens. Grief has a nice way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it, so I am told anyway.

I think I need more Neurontin tonight. I will take the same dose I took last night. I just hope the leg pain doesn’t come back. The stronger pain med helped take it away. Now I am just dealing with foot and ankle pain that is a combo of physical and nerve pain. Every single day I have this pain and it drives me crazy trying to find the right combo of meds to soothe it. Some days, I am successful, and other days, I am not. It depends a lot of when I “catch” the pain in the beginning or not. But all that goes out the window due to weather changes. I know I am hurting more because of the stupid fucking rain than because of physical activity. It’s supposed to rain the next two days so I might be in agony for a while.

Sunday Blog 11

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 11

I finished off the left over Chinese food for dinner. I am still hungry though. I might make a tuna sandwich later if I am really hungry. I haven’t had it in a while. I am trying not to have an Ensure and eat real food. It’s hard though because the Ensure will fill me up and is around 350 calories. I haven’t been eating more than 1000 calories a day lately which is why I have been continuing to lose weight.

I talked with my psychiatrist. She continued to assure me that what I am feeling and experiencing is normal. She hopes that the “movies” about my father’s death will fade with time. I keep reliving the last two hours of his life. Being in my father’s apartment yesterday for five hours didn’t help me.

While I was describing what was happening to my psychiatrist, I got sad and started to cry a little. I was just overwhelmed with sadness. She wants me to continue to write about my experiences. She said that it was amazing that I could articulate what I was feeling. That made me feel a little better.

My middle sister keeps posting pictures of my father when he was younger. It is kind of bothering me but I understand she wants to express her grief at losing him. She misses him. I don’t. I am still expecting him to call any minute saying he has some type of pain and needs to be taken to the hospital. Or asking me when I will be over his house to do his meds. It was weird filling my pill box this afternoon knowing I won’t be doing my father’s anymore. It is hard. I can’t wrap my head around it. I guess that is why I am still numb at times.

I never wrote the blog for the Daily Post. I started it but my mind kept blanking out. Then the song that has been in my head all day came on my music player and thought some more of what I should write but nothing came of it. I started a letter to my therapist thinking it might get me going. Nope, nothing. I wrote a small paragraph and blanked out on what I wanted to say. Fuck.

I went to Walgreens and got some mailers so I can mail my book to my cousin that wants a signed copy. I also got a thank you card for my father’s PCP. I will mail it when I have the energy to fill it out. Just like I will mail my cousin’s book basically when I am up to it. I am still playing catch up with the blur that was last week. I need a few days of doing nothing. I just want to stay at home. I don’t even want to go to Starbucks. I still have no interest in the Red Sox. I know when they are playing and I follow the tweets on Twitter, but I could care less. I have no idea what place they are in, who is doing well, who is sucking, nothing.

My pain levels are up. My foot has been cramping most of the day and now my ankle is painful. It’s been raining off and on all day so I think that is why. I took some pain meds but I think I need to take Neurontin because my foot is on fire. I think 1200 mg will be a good dose. 900 wasn’t giving me long enough relief.

One day I will write about the events that happened last Monday. I think writing about it will help ease the “movie” that keeps running rampant in my brain. I still feel like I should have done more for him. I know I couldn’t call 911 or something to help him but there had to be something I could have done so that he would be okay. Maybe I just didn’t want him to die. As much as I planned on it and expected it, I still didn’t want to lose my father, even if he was a bastard.

Thinking of Stuff at 0300

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Thinking of Stuff at 0300

I woke up from a weird dream I was having. It was something about two women going through diving training. Now I am up and I can’t seem to go back to sleep. I keep thinking about my cousins in Italy and France. It’s hard to communicate with them because they don’t know English and we don’t know Italian or French. The only way to communicate is through a translator or via Google, which is not ideal as sometimes the translation doesn’t say what we want it to say. I never picked up the language of Italian, even when I was taking it in college. And if you don’t use it, you lose it.

I was going to take a shower but I still haven’t. It’s so hard taking care of myself. I had a friend ask if I was going to go in the hospital. I don’t think I need to be but I will ask my psych when I talk to her in about 11 hours from now. I think I want to help my sisters clean out my father’s apartment. Then we will be able to relax a little bit and mourn him.

I’m still feeling relieved that my father has passed. I have been thinking about all the shit that he had pulled over the last few months of his life. Between the hospitalizations and waiting on him night and day, it was really difficult. I will never forget the gurgling sounds he made or the pain he was in. I am just glad that he died peacefully without gasping for air or something.

I don’t think I will be going back to sleep. I have tried and I seem to be waking up anyways. I give up. I am going to make some coffee and I am sure that will keep me up for a little while. I don’t know why sometimes it makes me sleepy but it makes me have a restful sleep. It’s weird. I also will shower after I have my coffee, I think.

Today’s Daily Prompt is “scars”. I will write a blog about that later today. I’m kind of nervous to page my psychiatrist. The last time she wanted me to page her in the afternoon I was going for around 1500 and she wanted it earlier. She sent me an email asking where I was. When I talked to her, I said our views of afternoon are different. I plan on calling her around 1400 or so, maybe 1330. I sent her the blog I wrote last night before I went to bed. The previous blog that I sent her that took me about three hours to write, she gave me some feedback on it. She said it was powerful and compelling. I really thought it was a piece of shit. I still do. Lately, I have been feeling that all my blogs are shit. It takes me a long time to write and I feel like it doesn’t flow very well because I am writing in spurts. Someone at the wake or funeral asked how my writing was going. I said it wasn’t going because I had to take care of my father. It’s been a long three months. I have just been writing blogs because there is nothing else for me to write. I can’t remember a “good” blog that I wrote in that span of time. I know my writing is getting better and after I write things I sort of edit what I write to try and make it sound better. But I just feel like my writing has suffered so much since my father got really sick. I don’t know if I can get back on track with my book. Maybe a hospital stay will give me ideas.

I don’t know what it is about being on a locked unit for a few days to two weeks. It helps calm down some part of me that is going all the time. It’s like I can finally relax because I am safe from myself and my environment. The only time when things weren’t going well in the hospital is when the unit was being inspected by the JCAHO commission. Every staff member was tense and it was a very unsettling feeling. You could cut the tension with a knife (if you had one) it was so bad. Soon as the inspection was over, there was relief on the unit. It was the most tense hospitalization that I ever had. Needless to say, but the second day, I wanted to go home but I think I stuck it out for a few more days. It was difficult to get in a groove. When I am in the hospital, I like to do my own thing. I rarely attend groups and I just keep to myself. I don’t really isolate but I do solitary things like write in my journal or listen to music. If it is on the unit that I like, there is a space I like to hang out in to do my writing. Otherwise, I am in my room. It helps to stabilize me. And if I need to, I hang out at the nurse’s station when my emotions are overwhelming. Being there lets the staff know I am not doing okay even though I am not talking about it. Sometimes, my contact person will check in with me more frequently when I am there.

I don’t know if I need a hospitalization right now because I am still numb from my father’s death. Occasionally, I will feel sadness but for the most part, I don’t feel anything. The shock of his death is over, though I keep replaying the events in my mind. I don’t know when that movie is going to end.