Tag: grief

grief 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Grief

I was talking to my psychiatrist yesterday. She said that I sound more like I was in grief than being depressed. I had to agree with her because I felt more sad than depressed. And there is a difference. I don’t think I can explain it but there is a difference.

I saw my father last night. He was in a terrible state. It had me second guessing whether I made the right decision in holding off on extended measures. But I talked with my psych and she assured me it is harder on family members than it is the patients. He didn’t appear to be suffering, which is a good thing. I would hate for him to suffer during his last few days.

I have been trying to make sense of this. I think this is harder on my “kids” than anything. They are adults but I still consider them my “kids”. They are my nieces and nephew. Tomorrow is going to be hard because we are meeting with hospice.

I have been struggling with my suicidal urges off and on yesterday. Mostly, I have been too sad to think about them so they just pass. I really think that when this is done, I will be hospital bound. I can’t see myself not going in the hospital. The grief will be just too much on top of this lousy depression, if I still have it.

It’s weird being so sad. It’s like the heaviness of the depression is gone but this sadness has moved in, overtaking everything you feel. I have never been so sad before. I hope that it’s temporary. I don’t know what is going to happen in the days ahead. It’s hard seeing my father like this. He is so weak and fragile. Because he isn’t eating, he lost more weight and muscle tone. Yesterday, I cancelled all his future appointments. It was difficult because they asked me why I needed to cancel and I just said that my father is dying and won’t be around when the appointment comes. I called his PCP and left a message to thank him for his service. I will also send a card after my father passes. Even though I didn’t like the guy, my father did.

I am really nervous about meeting hospice but I hope it will crack through my sister’s denial that my father is going to recover. I know she doesn’t want him to die but he has lived a long life and his time has come. I don’t know what to expect from this meeting. I do expect tears.

Grief is a Process

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Grief is a process

I am reminded of the words said in the movie “Analyze That” where the psychiatrist who lost his father says that grief is a process.

I found out today that my father does not have long to live. They have given him a week tops. He is severely dehydrated. I would be surprised if he lives longer than the next 7 days. I found out this information right before my psychiatrist appointment. I spent most of the time there crying and trying to hold back tears. I was so grief stricken.

My phone kept going off because I forgot to shut it off before the appointment like I usually do. I was just out of sorts today. I haven’t told my sisters yet. I really don’t know what to tell them because we know he is going to die. We have hospice tomorrow so I think that will hopefully sink in a little more for them than it does me.

Been listening to Pearl Jam since I left my appointment with my psych. It’s the only music I want to listen to when I am upset. I feel numb since being told about my father. He is on comfort measures only, which I want him to be. I have to change the orders because I had given them permission to go to the hospital for fluids. That was when I thought he would be recovering and be sent home. Now things have changed, drastically.

My therapist asked me a stupid question today. She asked if I remembered what my father was like when I was between the ages of 1-5. Like seriously? Who has those memories? I am lucky if I remember what I had for breakfast today, let alone what happened to me when I was 5. I know the voices started when I was 5, but other than that, I don’t remember much.

It’s warm outside today but the house is cold as anything. I had to wear my thermal socks as my feet are wicked cold. I’m also in a long sleeved t-shirt. I am so tired. I have been up since 0600. It wasn’t planned as I had to go to the bathroom and didn’t want to go back to sleep because my alarm was set to go off in 45 min. I have been calling family members which has been the hardest thing I have had to do in my life. But grief is a process and dealing with family members and their support means so much. I feel like a burden has been lifted and that it’s not a secret anymore.

A difficult day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I just got off the phone with my therapist and now I am feeling really suicidal. My pain went up a few notches just before we got off the phone so I think that is why the urges creeped up. We spent the session talking about going into the hospital and the reasons for it. Frankly, I think her anxiety was more than enough to convince me that I need to be in the hospital. Question is when. I suppose I can go in after the meeting with the nursing home people. I will just have them call me because it is a short meeting and I don’t want to lug my backpack there and then lug it back to the hospital where I will be admitted.

I got my menses today, which totally sucks. I am glad I am not in the hospital this week because having your menses while in just sucks. I rather be at home dealing with this. I just found out that my father is doing worse. His kidneys are failing. Social worker called and wants us to be in the care of hospice. So that lady just called me after I got off the phone with my sister to tell her what is going on. It’s like boom boom boom. I am so stressed out and sad.

My mother wanted to know what kind of pasta I wanted for supper. I am not hungry at all. I had breakfast but no lunch. I just want to sleep. The depression is just getting worse and I just don’t know what to do with myself. My therapist says that I have been dangling off a cliff for more than a month now. But with the new information about my father, I really can’t make a decision to be in the hospital. I could never forgive myself if he died while I was there.

Now it’s the time for calling my cousins and letting them know their uncle is going to pass. This is going to be the toughest phone call I will have to make.

in another writing mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders

I have been thinking of cancelling my appointment with my psychiatrist because I don’t want to bother her but I know that if I do, it will only worry her. She is trusting me a great deal by not sending me in the hospital. I hope I don’t let her down. I just wish I didn’t feel like such a burden to her. I also feel like I am bothering her too much by emailing her my pathetically sad life story.

My father is getting weaker as we speak. I haven’t seen him since Thursday night. I am going to try and see him tomorrow but the marathon is running so I am not sure I can go. My sister goofed up the babysitting schedule. I am to watch the little one on Tuesday. I should have gone in the hospital. But I have to be available for the idiot social worker to call me.

I am feeling very exhausted and over tired. I feel safe but I don’t. I liked it better when I was in the hospital ER waiting for the psychiatrist. Least then I didn’t have a care in the world. I could just focus on me getting better. But now I am home and I am feeling slightly suicidal and like I am in a mixed state because my brain is on fire and I have to get these words out before they burn a hole in my brain.

My father is dying and I have no clue how to deal with it. How do you deal with a dying parent? No one prepares you for this. Yes it is apart of life, but how can someone that was so mean to you and now that you don’t give a damn suddenly mean something to you? I am not saying he is my buddy, far from it. But I feel so helpless that there is nothing I can do to hasten or lessen the process of him dying. This is so hard for me to comprehend. Not seeing him the last few days have helped considerably for me to “forget” about him, like he isn’t a part of my life. But how will I feel when he is gone? Will it still feel like I “forgot” about him? Will it be like “out of sight, out of mind” kind of thing? Except, when he goes, it will be forever. I won’t be able to pick up the phone and call him. Or swing by his house to do his meds.

My sister placed another task on my growing list of things to talk to the social worker about. I also need to talk to patient accounts and see when my father will run out of his insurance. I really hope he dies before he runs out. But my feeling is that it won’t happen. He is just too stubborn to die. I hate him for being stubborn. I don’t know why I care. He is my father. But to me he is a sperm donor for that was all he was good for. I have been thinking about what to write for the eulogy and all I can say is that he was a good dresser. That was all he cared about was looking good. He had no other endearing qualities. He only cared about himself. Hence why there is no will and testament. He isn’t going to leave us with nothing but his fancy clothes. Some legacy.