Tag: insomnia

Lab work is back

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Lab work is back

I just got my lab results. My potassium is low but it could have been lower had it not been sitting around all day in the lab. I am so mad that I didn’t drop off the bloods myself. But as I am no longer an employee in the hospital, I can’t do things like that anymore. Thing that makes me wonder if the labs were accurate is because my CO2 level was also low, which probably means the cap was off the top for a while before the tube was analyzed. I am not happy about this. But there is nothing I can do, and that pisses me off.

I have been trying to get settled down to get some sleep but my brain is angry. I know nothing will probably get done about the result other than possibly to eat a banana or something. I don’t like bananas unless they are a certain type of ripeness. That is the only way I will eat them. I emailed my psychiatrist about the lab results. I didn’t tell her the labs were sitting around all day. I probably should have. I really miss her though. I don’t know when she will be back in the office. She hasn’t answered any emails from me, but then she is probably busy.

I fee tired but I am afraid that if I go to bed now, I will wake up around midnight or a few hours after midnight. I doubt I will be able to sleep past three o’clock. I never took a nap because I just wasn’t tired or sleepy, despite taking my pain meds. I thought for sure my meds would knock me out but I was wrong. Must have been the espresso I drank that kept me going. I took my night meds so hopefully that will cause some sleepiness. I have been up almost 20 hours. That is a long time. I probably won’t do anything tomorrow. I hope I don’t have to go to my father’s but I have no idea what the stupid VNA is going to do about his meds. They called me again and the nurse from Sunday left no messages for the nurse today. So I had to repeat everything and go over everything once more. Idiots. Then she has to call the PCP to verify what I am saying is true. What the hell you asking me for?? I am so damn annoyed.

I should probably read something. That always puts me to sleep but sometimes it wakes up my brain. I had to shut the music off because it was giving me a headache. It was also annoying me because I didn’t know what I wanted to listen to. I must have skipped several songs before shutting it off, three of them from Bon Jovi and I love listening to them. I am just worried that my potassium is what is causing all this stuff to happen to me because I haven’t been eating right. I ate tonight but now I feel like a cow. I am so bloated. I probably won’t eat anything tomorrow. I seem to be skipping days. The appetite is just not there. I am surprised because I took some gabapentin Saturday so I was expecting to be ravenous. Something is wrong with me and I don’t know what it is. The NP didn’t want to blame it on the depression. She just called it stress. I was too out of it to argue with her. It had been at least 12 hours since I last had something to eat when I saw her so was in and out of being hungry. Surprisingly, my blood sugar was within norms, though it was high for fasting at 92. I have been trying to get my sugar lower to at least between 70-80 but it hasn’t been working for me. I just hope my A1C levels are normal. I don’t think I can handle being a diabetic.

Sleep Eludes Me

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sleep Eludes Me

I had about a three hour nap. I woke up coughing for some reason and now my foot has decided to ache again. I guess the pain meds wore off. The weather is to blame for this. I keep thinking I did something wrong with the disability papers, that I wrote something that I shouldn’t have or that I didn’t give them enough of what hell I am living. I wish I could die right now. I hate having this pain in my foot. It is quite severe. But it only happens at night. Never during the day when I am likely to see a damn doctor.

The coughing scared me because I couldn’t catch my breath. I don’t know if I was choking on my spit or air. It’s all hazy now. I guess I got the rest I needed for the day as I woke up around 0420. I don’t remember what time I fell asleep but I know it was around 0100 or later. I was fighting sleep then because I was in pain. Then it occurred to me that I should probably lay down and maybe I will pass out and I did. Only to wake up three fucking hours later. UGH.

I don’t want to get out of bed. I am still kind of sleepy and know that my pain meds will kick in shortly. I really need sleep. I want sleep. I don’t want to stay up all day with just three hours of sleep under my belt. It’s pissing me off that I can’t sleep right. And all because of fucking pain. I keep hearing Adele’s voice in my head. Her songs from her album are shuffling in my head as if they were playing. I don’t want to listen to music right now. It might wake me up and that is something I don’t want to happen. I don’t know if this music is normal or psychotic. It keep changing and the lyrics are the same so I am guessing it’s normal except the volume is on high. The lyrics are the same. They aren’t twisted as if they are talking to me or anything. I hate when music “talks” to me or has hidden meanings for me. It ruins my appreciation for the music. The last time music had its twisted themes and meanings, I ended up in the hospital. That was when the song “sirens” by Pearl Jam was stuck in my head, and I mean literally. Even if I played it to get it out of my head, it would still talk to me.

My blog about hygiene was posted in a mental health blog. I am either in the “leisure” section or the “entertainment”. This time I was in the “leisure”. I didn’t think that blog was so great, but I guess someone thought it was.

I got to do another grocery order. I am down to my last box of cereal. I am also going to try and get the slim fast stuff. I need to try and lose weight so my pants fit me again. I refuse to go up another pants size, especially after I bought three new pairs of jeans. I will try and get salad as well. I like having baby spinach but my damn mother ends up boiling it. It so frustrates me. I also need to get my cream and almond milk. I really like the almond milk, though I don’t think I am going to get the one with honey again. It just has a weird after taste. I should also get soy milk as I like that as well. I like the chocolate one and can suck it down like it’s going out of style.

early morning blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I woke up about an hour ago because I had to use the facilities. I slept for about four hours. I am kind of pissed because I was so exhausted, I thought I would have slept longer.

I checked my blog stats, which are still outrageous. I am feeling very excited about this. But I know the numbers will wind down as the article loses favor. I read some more of the comments and they were outrageous, calling me every diagnostic label in the personality disorder department. They are also concerned about when my therapist passes away then what will I do. Really weird stuff. I am laughing at the comments because they are so outlandish. One woman wants to shake me and slap me. That must be a new form of therapy that I have not heard about. I should also “take a break” from my therapist. Yea, I am sure my therapist will love that idea, seeing as she just came back from vacation. One commenter even thought my treaters were my “imaginary friends”. Yes, they are. Fool.

I am handling the comments better and taking them with a grain of salt. I wish I could respond to each one but I can’t. It would take energy that I don’t have. So I am blogging about it because that is what I do when I am upset and need to get things off my chest.

My Kindle sales have gone well. I sold three books since the article came out. There also seems to have 283 pages read but I don’t understand what this is because my book is only 154 pages. I am going to have to ask what these pages mean. I am sure there was an email about it and I just didn’t understand it. I think it has to do with Amazon Prime but I am not sure. Anyways, happy reading!

I think I am finally crashing. My mood has been dull and the excitement has worn off. I see my pdoc next week. I plan on giving her some cake pops as a thank you for giving me the idea to submit to the Times. She didn’t say this out right; she just asked what I was going to do with this paper. Never in my wildest dreams did I think the Times would pick my paper.

I can’t believe how low I have been feeling. I have been trying to “get back up” but I feel so sluggish. I think that has more to do with my not sleeping than anything. Having four hour stints at a time is no fun. I wish the euphoria would come back but I am just happy it is gone. That was a little scary the past few weeks where I was hypo. I did like one woman’s comment giving me an ultimatum: I am to give her 6 months to live and if I refuse, then I am to go to the hospital. No other treatment options were given. I replied but it hasn’t been posted. This rubbed a nerve. She definitely would NOT be a therapist I would see because she is very close minded and obviously doesn’t want to deal with suicidality at all. I pity her and her clients. The hospital is no place for someone with chronic suicidality, Jobes and Linehan have proven that. I would love to send her information on this but she isn’t worth my time. I also put in another plug for Jobes’s work and gave her the title of the book. But the reply didn’t go through. Oh well, her loss.

I finally got another three hours of sleep. Now I think I am up for the day. I might go to Starbucks early to get coffee. I am going to need it today. I don’t want to make the coffee that I have because I want to go out, even though it’s muggy outside. It’s supposed to be worse today than the last three days. I hope it cools down. I cannot tolerate the heat.

Cranky Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Cranky day

I didn’t sleep last night, not well anyways. I went to bed around 0100 and then woke up around 0400, went back to sleep, and then woke up when my alarm went off at 0630. I had to be up early for the grocery delivery. Luckily, my time was the first so I quickly put everything away, had some breakfast, and then went back to sleep for a few hours. I wish it was restful sleep but it wasn’t. I woke up more tired than awake. I hate losing sleep. It is the most frustrating thing in the world when you can’t sleep. Then I had therapy. I am glad I don’t have a gun because I probably would have used it on myself today. I just did not want to hear her talk and talk and talk. I brought up the blog and she wanted me to read it to her. That wasn’t happening. I was not in the mood to read. Then she said that seeing my psychiatrist should be a goal I should look forward to. She has lost her mind. Why the hell would seeing my psychiatrist be a goal?? It doesn’t make any sense and I was too tired to argue with her so let it go.

We also talked about my incontinence. It really made me want to die last night. And then today, I peed myself again. I am not liking my bladder these days. Monday I am supposed to meet with a friend and go to a museum. I will be wearing diapers because I really don’t want to be wet while walking around a museum. At 39, I am wearing diapers. Just shoot me now.

I went to see my father, who called twice during therapy. I didn’t answer because my therapist is more important than he is. He can wait. So after therapy, I go to his house. He isn’t fucking there. I call the house and no answer. I am bullshit. I really didn’t want to go to his house in the state that I am in anyways and he isn’t there? WTF!! So I leave. I go to a donut place and get some donuts while waiting for the bus that never came so I decide to take the train home. Wouldn’t you know, I get to my stop and my father calls wondering where I am. UGH. I go to the other side of the tracks and go back to his house and fill his pill box. I then try and scramble out of there but he wants me to call his doctor’s office. For what, I have no fucking clue. He doesn’t know why. He can’t explain it. Just that he wants ME to call. So I call and the secretary tells me they will send the paperwork to his doctor. I tell my father that and he isn’t satisfied. I think he wanted me to go to his eye doctor’s office and find out what he needed. The hell to the no I was not doing that nor did I offer. I just wanted to be on the bus home so I could sleep.

Except I couldn’t sleep. I took my cousin out for dinner. I was craving roast beef and onion rings and didn’t want to eat by myself so took my cousin with me. Now I am home, in pajamas, writing this blog post. I was kind of short with my cousin, who likes to bust balls. I didn’t care. He kept asking if I had any “dishes”, meaning women. How the hell am I supposed to meet someone when I hardly leave the house. And the second place, I am NOT looking for a relationship. That was how it went the entire time we were out. I should have went by myself.

I have a week left to play my game. Then it ends. I am going to miss it. I keep playing just to pass time. I am not going to listen to the baseball game tonight. I am too tired. I am going to take my meds early and then call it a night. I am not going to play my game like I did last night. I just don’t have the energy. I just hope I sleep tonight till tomorrow morning and not until midnight. There will be hell to pay if I wake up around midnight.