Tag: mood disorders

Ramblings 79

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I took a much needed nap after dinner and now I can’t go back to sleep just yet. I took just one of my mood stabilizer pills rather than two tonight. When I woke up from my nap I had to pee really bad and then I saw a spider in the bathroom going round and round in circles. The spider has been in there for a couple of weeks now. I just have let it be because they eat bugs not people. But tonight he was at a place where I could get him, until he left the confines of the shower and hid in the curtain. I quickly did my business and washed my hands to flee the room. My confidence in getting him was nil. I hate bugs. And will usually kill them some how but spiders. I don’t like them and as long as they let me be, I will let them be.

My nose has still been stuffy and congested. My nostrils are irritated from blowing my nose so much and now I am getting a zit underneath my nose. I can’t pop it yet because it hasn’t come to a head, but man, is it painful. I think getting a zit in that area has to be the most painful to get. And you would think I wouldn’t get one now that I am past my thirties, but nope. I still get the stupid zits. So annoying.

I don’t know why I am so congested. It’s very annoying as this has been going on the last several months. I don’t know if it’s allergies or due to the heat. When the heat isn’t on, I breath better so that is one factor. Also if I am not in my room for long periods, my nose clears up, sometimes. But I will still have a runny nose. The discharge is clear so I don’t think I have an infection of some sort. I am just annoyed that I can’t breath at times and have to use Afrin to clear up the passageways. I know that you aren’t supposed to use it for more than 3 days but the congestion is just so bad that I can’t breathe unless I use it. I hate breathing out of my mouth. I only use it once a day.

I really am not looking forward to another day of dealing with my fucking asshole father. Just two more appointments and then I can go back to the weekly visits where I just do his meds. It’s supposed to snow again tomorrow, which sucks. I don’t know how bad it’s supposed to be. My Twitter feed is all about the stupid NH primary. I haven’t seen the weather report.

I am making progress in the book I am reading about writing. I can’t say it’s been helpful but it has made me think of my writing in different terms. I just wish I could get the ball rolling with the book I am writing to put this in good use. I could edit some more of what I have written so far but I hate editing. I can never decide what to cut and what to keep.

Emotional Numbing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Emotional Numbing

I was talking with my therapist today about being numb. Seems that since I went up on my mood stabilizer, my writing has been affected, and not in a good way. I feel numb and its hindering my writing abilities. I only write “good” writing when I feel strong emotion. I know it’s easy to blame the meds but this time I think it is affecting me more than my bipolar. I am going to experiment and see if lowering the dose helps. I know this might now be a good idea but I got to get cracking on my book. It’s already February and I haven’t written one page of stuff.

I hate it when I feel nothing, no sadness, no happiness, no joy. Nothing at all. It’s like I am on an even keel. I am not used to feeling this way. I am used to feeling suicidal and depressed all the time. I guess it is better that I am not feeling this way but it’s weird. There have been times I feel depressed, mostly at night. That is when a switch goes off and I feel some emotion. But most of the time, I am on an equilibrium.

I think reducing my meds will help. I can’t stand the numbing anymore. I know I risk becoming hypomanic by doing this or worse, a really bad suicidal depression. I don’t think it will happen quickly. It will happen over time like this numbness has occurred. Last night I was annoyed at the postman. He refused to deliver my package because there was light snow on my stairs. I was really pissed off and it took me a while to calm down. I then started a Twitter rant about being suicidal. No one responded, as usual. I took my Twitter posts off my Facebook feed. I was tired of having to post on Twitter and then get a response on Facebook. Now whenever I retweet something it gets posted to Facebook. If Twitter does indeed change their formatting to Facebook like posts, I might just be on blog mode or something. I can’t stand the Facebook timeline. It drives me crazy.

Today was a cold day and I need to rest my ankle so I didn’t go out. I made Kona coffee that gave me the jitters. I was having an anxiety attack by the time my therapist called me. Talking to her about it helped calm me down. I can only feel anxiety and annoyance or pissed off lately. Maybe the depression is so deep that I just can’t feel it. That is another possibility. But I hate spending most of my day just staring at my bureau listening to music, just zoning out. Music doesn’t even seem to reach me. It used to. I don’t sing the songs out loud anymore. I will just sing them in my head. The voices have been quiet so I haven’t even had conversations with them.

My therapist and I also talked about how my suicidality has taken the back seat, causing Hyde to feel sad. I didn’t bring up my plans in a few weeks. Even though I am not actively suicidal, I still want to die and I am going to put that plan to action. I just can’t stand living anymore. She commented on how I have been texting her that I am depressed and wanting to die. Most of that talk was because I was in really bad space with my physical pain. I just want to give up on going on because the pain is just so awful.

My psychiatrist got back to me today. She hasn’t been in the office because a family member is sick. I told her I needed a refill on one of my meds. Hopefully the family member will get better soon and she will be back in the office. I haven’t seen her in a month. I haven’t been emailing her updates or anything because I thought I would be seeing her after my father’s appointments. Guess that isn’t going to happen now.

Self-Harm Recovery

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders

This is a story I wrote for a website.

Self-Harm Recovery

I started self-harm (cutting) when I was 15. It happened after a traumatic night in my house. I snapped and was looking for a way to channel the pain that I was feeling. I really wanted to die but didn’t know how to. So I decided to “dig” for a vein hoping it would kill me. I never got that far.

Over the years I changed methods, from scissors to razors. I found that razors worked best to alleviate my pain that I was feeling. I remember when I was 17 that I dissociated while I was cutting. It was the only time I lost time while doing self-harm.

During one distressing December, my therapist was on vacation and I cut to the point of needing stitches. I was a trained medical assistant at the time so soon after I got home from the hospital (which was my shortest hospital stay ever), I took the stitches out. I kept the wound open for a good month or so, cutting it every day. This was in 1997. By the time the New Year rolled around, I was getting tired of leaving the wound opened so I made new cuts. This went on for another month or so. I had changed therapists. The new social worker that I met was a DBT therapist and we talked about cutting in detail, such as why I did it, and the like. She told me something that no one had told me before: You can feel but not act on your feelings. That stayed with me.

Around this time, cutting lost its appeal to me. It no longer was the “drug” I was craving. Since then, I haven’t cut, though the urges are sometimes there when I am having a difficult time. I still have my “kit” but I hardly know it’s there. I suppose I could get rid of it as I no longer need it.

Monday Blues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Monday Blues

I took my father to his appointment. We got there early and they took him early, which was a shock as the last few appointments they were late. They had a piano playing so I couldn’t read. Live music tends to interfere with my reading voice. So I just played with my phone and texted my sister. My mother is not destined to have a new fridge. She ordered a new one but they had trouble getting it up the stairs. So again, no new fridge. My mother is very upset as am I. I wish she would just let me order from the Sears website but she doesn’t trust her information on the web. UGH. So annoying!

Things with my father went well until the last leg home. That is when he annoyed the hell out of me. My father isn’t happy until he pisses you off. And that he did. I am still fuming. I can’t fucking stand him. I try not to sit next to him on the train for this reason but there wasn’t another seat to be had.

Despite being mad, I am also feeling wicked sad. I keep thinking about Hyde and how sad he is, which makes me feel sad as well. I am the host. I feel what my parts feel. I just don’t know what to do. I do plan on doing something soon. I thought that would make him happy but it’s not. I think he is sad because he hasn’t been able to write dire things lately. I haven’t been able to let him “out” so to speak. I just haven’t been feeling that level of depression since I upped the trileptal or at least starting taking the full dose of it. I had to take it because I kept becoming hypomanic and the crashes were terrible. I could lower the dose again. Only problem is that I really don’t want the psychache to return.

I can’t live with both physical pain and psychological pain. Having both just makes me suicidal. I think that is what Hyde wants. He feeds off it. It is what fuels his writing. Sadly, it also fuels mine as well. Since being on the “right” dose of trileptal, I haven’t been able to write painful stuff. Actually, I haven’t been able to write anything for my book. I just don’t feel it. Writers have said that if you wait to feel it, you will never write. Well, that is my muse. High emotional stuff gives me things worth writing about.

I seem to write good blogs. My readership has gone up the last few weeks. I even have a consistent reader from Guam that is reading (hi!). I should feel proud of myself for be successful but I don’t feel anything. I feel like I should write more but sometimes I feel what I am writing is boring and mundane. My blog used to be about being suicidal. Now I don’t know what it’s about. My daily life and the struggle I have with chronic pain, either physical or psychological or both.

Speaking of chronic pain, last night Bill Maher made a comment that those that use opioids are “junkies” because of the stupid commercial they had during the Super Bowl about a medication for constipation. The asshole didn’t realized what the presence of the chronic pain community he pissed off, including myself. I didn’t participate in the hashing but I did call him a dick. That was all I could think of to say.

I just get frustrated every day because I feel like I write the same things only it’s a different day. I write because it makes me feel better. It’s like an itch that I have to scratch. If I don’t write everyday, I feel like I am missing something. There are some days when it’s hard to write more than 300 words and then there are days like today where I can write 600 or more. I keep track of my word counts because I am a number nerd, just like I keep track of my blog stats. It gives me something to focus on during the day.

Getting back to Hyde, I just don’t know what to do about him. I guess I should just try and let him out more if I am able. It’s just that there has to be circumstances to let him out and I am not always under those circumstances. He is a difficult part. And it hurts me knowing he is too.