Tag: psychache

Sun Downing

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Had a rough time last night. Thoughts were so hopeless and I was filled with despair. I tried tweeting my thoughts but I couldn’t form words to my pain. It was agonizing not being able to express myself. I wanted to read something about suicide that would help me realize that life was worth living but I was paralyzed with fear that if I read something negative, it might push me over the edge on I was on. I was trying to find “suicidal mind” to ease my psychache but I had no idea where to look. Today I know where to look and after I write this blog, I am searching for it. I think it is in my Psychache binder folder. I hope so anyways. If I don’t find it, I will buy another copy when I get paid in two weeks. I texted my therapist to call me if she has a chance. I need her calming voice that things are going to be okay.

I don’t know how things went south. I think it was the sun downing experience I get when I am deeply depressed. My mood gets worse when the sun sets, but unfortunately, the sun had already set when my mood shifted. Usually after 8 pm (2000), my mood goes south, more so this time of the year than at any other time. It usually starts the end of September and ends any where the middle of February to the middle of March. It is when my suicidal thoughts are at their worst. There has been documentation about this in bipolar people. Kay Redfield Jamison’s book, Night falls Fast, I think states that is the worst time of year for bipolars to commit suicide. If it isn’t that book, it is the book “Touched with Fire”. Both are very good books and I think are in my Useful Books page.

Right now I am starting to feel sad. I have been listening to a variety of music on my phone to get me out of this funk I am in but it’s not helping me. They say when you are depressed you analyze lyrics more than words to the song. Or something like that. And I have been doing that. If I could have YouTube on repeat for Carrie Underwood’s song “Something in the Water”, I would. I find this song uplifting. It’s on my music to buy list, which is getting longer each month. I hate not being able to buy music when I want to. When I was working, this wasn’t a problem but being on a fixed income, you learn to budget. And you allow certain funds to go towards entertainment. Usually I get a few songs a month but Carrie just came out with her first Greatest Hits CD and I want it! It has all my favorite Carrie songs, and a few I don’t know. The new song, Something in the water is on this CD collection. I just can’t decide if I want the physical CD or the MP3 version. I have a few weeks to think about it. Until then, YouTube is playing my song, even if I have to hit play a few times.

My little niece called me to pick her up but after my doctor’s appointment today, I need to rest my ankle. I have to pick her up tomorrow and if I do too much today, I will be toast. My ankle is starting to throb so I really shouldn’t tax it. She will just have to wait until her mother picks her up when she gets out of work. I feel bad and it only worsens my depression because I can’t do things like I used to. It still amazes me that I was able to work 2 jobs while in horrible pain and now can’t even work one. Course, I passed my breaking point when I had to wear an AFO. I just wished I had chosen the research job over the clinical job. Working 20 hours would have been a severe pay cut but at least I still would have a job and maybe be able to finish school finally.

Throbbing is moving into my foot. I fucking hate when that happens. I won’t be able to go down the stairs, or up, over the next few hours. Least until my pain medication kicks in. Doc I saw today has me on a new NSAID (non-steriodal anti-inflammatory drug) called Mobic (meloxicam). I need to start it tomorrow because I took my last dose of another NSAID last night and you can’t take the two together. I hope it works better than what I am taking now. I hope it helps my arthritis in my hands and that it doesn’t cause GI upset. I left a message with the doc as to when is best to take it. I usually take all my meds at night but I don’t know if that is best or not for this new med. I just hope it helps me and doesn’t cause me any side effects.

Random Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide

I think I am coming down with something as I have never been this cold before in my life. I never had to wear double layers as I always have been hot. But the last few days, something has changed. I don’t know if it is my thyroid out of whack or this cold that I just can’t shake, but I am freezing most of the day. I am not running a fever, that much I know, which is good. I know it is cold out, and that doesn’t help my case. But I am not outside! I am inside where there is heat. I am under the blankets of my bed so I don’t understand why I am so cold.

I had therapy today. Nothing new was discussed. She got my letters finally and she was again in awe that I find lyrics that fit our situation. I also told her about a comment my newest blog follower wrote about me considering getting published in academia. I would really love that but unfortunately, I don’’ have the initials after my name to do that. Hell, I don’t even have a bachelor’s degree, yet. I also told her that I plan on submitting my TG piece to a contest that is gearing up soon. It’s kind of like crap but I think the message is that my being in the wrong gender is causing me to be suicidal. I hope I win, but you never know. I had it on my blog but took it down as it was only for my therapist to see. I wanted her opinion on it before I submitted it for a blog post. The blog post never materialized so I am going to submit it for the contest. I hope I win and don’t have to travel to receive the award. It would be so great to see Dr. Quinnett again. He is the guy sponsoring the contest, well his institute is. I will hopefully submit next week when the portal to do so is open.

We also talked about my not being able to accept praise. She then brought up the whole accomplishment assignment that I never did. It’s hard for me to write something positive about myself. I rather hear it from someone else because I don’t believe in myself enough to know it is true. All my life and still till this day, I have been told I am a nothing. Even if I got straight A’s, my father wanted me to get higher grades. Then he called me a liar one day and my life went down the toilet. I didn’t care about anything. I didn’t care if I lived or died. I tried to kill myself for the first time in my life because he made me feel so small. That is why I tolerate him from a distance. I do things for him only out of obligation because I am the oldest child but I don’t enjoy it. I rather have a root canal than spend time with him.

So anyways, it is difficult for me to come up with some self-appreciation, especially now that I am stuck in the middle of the abyss with this depression that came out of no where. I think I am on the mend but depression has its own way of showing itself. Just when you think you are getting well, you slip and fall back into the hole.

I have an appointment with my physiatrist (muscle and bone doctor) tomorrow at fricken 1030. I don’t know why I picked an early time. I just hope the weather is fair.

I have been trying to find the “suicide as psychache” book by Dr. Shneidman but haven’t been able to locate it. I know it is buried under some things in my room. But which things, I am lost. I don’t remember the last time I saw it. I should organize all my suicidology stuff one day. I have them scattered between my office and my room. If I could have them in one central place, I think that would help when I want to read something. It’s a shame I don’t know where my “Suicidal Mind” book is. I might have to buy another copy. I wouldn’t mind having two copies of the same book. In my mind, I need two because I am always misplacing one. Things aren’t considered lost unless they leave my house. “Suicidal Mind” is my favorite book by Dr. Shneidman. It “speaks” to me like no other book does, with the possible exception of Dr. Quinnett’s book, “Suicide the forever decision”. I am thinking of writing a review on the Suicidal Mind so it would be nice to re-read it.

Lump of Coal

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I just woke up from a nap. It’s almost two in the morning. I am having a hard time going back to sleep. I don’t want to play my game because I know I will be up all night if I do.

I still feel awful. I think that is one reason I can’t sleep. I know I made the mistake of going to sleep before 2000 was wrong. I really was just expecting just to sleep for about an hour, take my meds, and then sleep for the night. That didn’t happen. Luckily my phone was beeping that woke me up to take my meds otherwise I might not have woken up. My battery would have been dead because I was playing my MP3 player. I had Mary Chapin playing. I am now playing Casey James’ new song “Fall Apart”.

I feel like such a loser. I finished my big blog post about CAMS and I should feel proud of that because it took so much mental energy to write it. But I don’t feel anything. I feel like a lump of coal. I hate feeling like this. I can’t say that I wish I was happy. I don’t believe in happiness. Like any other emotion, it stays with you for a little while and then disappears so why strive to be happy. I rather feel content. And I don’t feel that way right now. I have fallen into the abyss of depression. The black dog has returned. I don’t want to do a damn thing tomorrow but I have to go to my father’s to give him something that my sister bought. It’s supposed to be yucky out. I am not looking forward to going out.

Saturday I went over his house to fill his med case for the week. I wish someone would fill mine every week. He is so spoiled. But this way here I can keep track of the meds he is taking versus not taking. It is cold in my room. I just took off my long sleeved T shirt because I was hot and now I am cold. I better not be getting sick.

I just checked my stats for last night. HOLY COW. Before my nap, I was at 34 views of the day. It shot up to 82 after my blog posting. I am amazed at my readership. I thank you all for reading my blog, even though I think I write nonsense sometimes.

I just finished playing my game. I know I said I wasn’t going to play but I had some crops that I needed to harvest for a timed mission. I don’t think I am going to finish by the end. It is going to be very close if I do. I have 5 days to complete this mission and I still need a ton of stuff. Usually, I skip the timed missions because it is a pain in the ass, but this time I thought I would try it, just to challenge myself.

I am getting hungry. I should have brought up the yogurt my sister was going to give me. It’s the rest of the Greek yogurt my niece had for cooking. She made some amazing Greek yogurt sugar cookies that were so good. It was like a biscuit but a sugar cookie. It was very good. She also made some other cookies that were excellent. I don’t know how I am going to lose weight when I am surrounded by cookies. I am a cookie monster. It is my kryptonite. My niece also made a chocolate cake that was very good for my mother’s birthday. She made everything from scratch. She loves cooking my niece! She once made these scones that were out of this world. They were the best scones I ever had. Her boyfriend bought her a huge mixer for Christmas. She was so happy, she cried.

Yesterday, or should I say Saturday as it is now Monday? Anyways, as I was watching the previews to the football game, I was so emotional. I kept on crying. It wasn’t sadness that made me cry, it was sheer joy that the Pats were in the playoffs, again. I hope they are able to beat Luck and the Colts.

Meds are kicking in now so I think I will stop here and try and go back to sleep.

Patriots win!

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Patriots win!

I watched a nail biting, painful football game tonight. American football, not soccer. By the start of the 4th quarter, I was seriously doubting my home team. But we pulled a win out of our ass. And a win is a win, even if it was ugly. I can’t wait to watch the OSU vs Oregon game Monday night. I lost 11 followers on Twitter. Every time I swear during the game, I lose followers but I don’t care.

Sometime during the 4th quarter, I started getting dizzy, even though I was sitting down. Even now my head is spinning and I am up in my room. I think it maybe due to either dehydration or exhaustion, or both. I woke up very early this morning and have not really rested. I am wicked tired and think I am getting another cold. My cough from my previous cold is still with me. It has been more than a month since I have had this cough. It’s not all the time, but it gets annoying when I try having a conversation with someone.

I thought a lot about my therapist today because it is our anniversary. I have been with her for fourteen years. And this depresses me because I know in a month my surgery anniversary is coming up. It was a tough time and I was losing my mind. I ended up in the hospital and my back gave out on me. I left AMA to see my chiropractor, which turned out to be a huge mistake. I ended up with CES, cauda equina syndrome, 12 hours after the adjustment. This has changed my life forever.

I guess this is why I have been so down lately. I have been thinking where I would be had not had a neurological injury. My back probably would still hurt. But I think if I didn’t get the chiropractic adjustments, it eventually would have gone away. Too bad it took 2 surgeries for me to be on medicine that helps my pain.

It’s 330 am and I just woke up in pain. Yay me. NOT. I started reading my Twitter line and then I started crying. I don’t know why. The stuff I was reading was mostly about Scotty McCreery, nothing too provoking. I was also crying during the football game, but those were tears of joy. I don’t know what these tears are about. I am just feeling wicked emotional right now.

For most of the day, I had been dealing with a low level sadness. It was my mother’s bday and I didn’t have money to get her a card or anything. Course, I think cards are a waste of money anyways. People don’t keep them like they used to and then if they do, they get thrown away anyways. I just don’t have “extra” money. I spent most of my money on meds this month and a few grocery items. That was it. I need a fucking job. But I can’t work the way things are right now. It would kill me. I would be in too much pain.

I don’t know why my right ankle is bothering me. Usually it is just my left. The pain seems to have gone away, which is good. Maybe I was just sleeping in a bad position or something.

Monday I have physical therapy and it is going to be snowing for most of the morning. Just fucking wonderful. I am tempted to cancel the damn appointment. But, we’ll see. If the temp is about 25 degrees, I will go. If it is less than that, I will cancel. I am not going to go out in the freezing, snowy weather. The reason for this is because the cold causes my back to cramp up on me. It happened yesterday while I was waiting for the bus after I left my father’s place. I was pretty bundled up, too! It was only 20 degrees out. Not as bad as the other day but still cold enough to hurt me.

I hope I can go back to sleep. I really don’t want to stay up all day. It is almost 430 am now. I have been up for an hour. If I don’t get back to sleep, that will so suck. I think with the pain medication and Ativan, I should be able to go back to sleep. I don’t know what I will be doing today. I think there will be a broncos game. The winner of that game will determine who the Patriots play next week. I hope it is the Colts. I really don’t want to see Manning’s ugly face. I can’t stand him because he is not a team player. He is only out there to do stuff for him and if it doesn’t happen, he yells at his teammates. That isn’t right.

Looks like I will be going back to sleep. YAY! Thank you meds!