Tag: psychological pain

fighting side effects

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Cancelled my father’s doctor’s appointment today because I didn’t feel good and you would have thought I killed someone. My father was an irate bastard who didn’t give a damn that I was sick. He just felt like a “salami”. Thanks for the care dad!

I slept most of the day. I woke up really early this morning with bowel pain. That pretty much told me to stay near a bathroom. I wasn’t going to risk crapping my pants for an appointment that I didn’t want no part of anyway.

Then I got the depression sleeping sickness. That is what I call when all you want to do is sleep and stay in bed. So that is what I did all day for the rest of the day. I would be up for a few hours and then I would have to lie down because I would get so sleepy. Much like I am feeling now. I talked about it with my therapist tonight. She thinks I am just exhausted and need rest. Some help she is. I also have been having side effects from the abilify for the past three days. I didn’t take it tonight. I have been popping Ativan like it were candy. I hate feeling like a rubber ball. The only way I feel normal is if I am lying down. I might have to lower the dose of the abilify if I can’t keep this from happening.

I really need to take a shower but I think I will wait until tomorrow to take one. I just am spent. Fighting these side effects has been awful.

Anorexia and being a nitwit

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Anorexia, another component of depression

Most people think that anorexia is an eating disorder, which it truly is. But I am using it in the context of no appetite. This is the third or forth day that I have eaten barely nothing. I had some cake and two hot dogs for the entire day. I just am not hungry like I used to be. Even eating the last hot dog was a challenge.

I slept all day, or tried to. I really didn’t leave my room except to use the bathroom and eat a little bit of cake. I only had two slices and that was it for the day. I only forced myself to eat the hot dogs because I needed something in stomach. It is so hard to eat when you don’t feel like eating.

Last night, I had the worst side effects of the abilify I had in a really long time. My hand cramped up and I could not get it to open. My arm just felt like a rubber ball being stretched to the match while my hand was tightly enclosed. It scared me. And I had to wait what felt like hours for the Ativan to work (it worked in like a half hour or less). Today my arm still felt weird so I took another Ativan to make it better. It worked. It also make me sleepy and I just now woke up enough to write this blog. I didn’t write one yesterday, or if I did, I don’t remember what I wrote about. Things seem all blurred this week because all I have been doing is sleeping.

I got an email from Amazon. My first paycheck from them is on the way! It will take about 5 days to process, so by Tuesday I should have money in my account, which will be good because I need some meds. Instead of buying a filet mignon, I am just going to go to a pub and get a cheeseburger BLT, when my appetite has returned. No point in getting it now as I probably will just take a bite and be full. In a way I am happy I have no appetite because that means I could potentially lose the weight that I has been stuck on me the past year. I really want to be below 200 and I know once it comes off there is a good chance it will stay off. I just got to watch what I eat. I am not doing this on purpose. I really have no appetite. But you do need some caloric intake to survive.

I have been ruminating today that I am a nitwit. I told my therapist that and she flipped out on me, but in a good way. She couldn’t understand why I felt like that. I still don’t. I guess I just feel really down that I just feel so stupid and like a nitwit. I don’t know where the feelings came from. I just know that it how I feel. I asked her if she was proud of me and instead of answering, she listed all my accomplishments over the past year. Sometimes, the reminder is all that you need. I was hoping that hearing these things would help my mood some but it didn’t. I still feel like a nitwit.

Different Theories of Suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt

Different Theories of Suicide

A few weeks ago I participated in a twitter chat (@SPSMChat). The discussion was about how Joiner’s Interpersonal Theory was the cause of suicide. The theory is the hypothesis that Perceived Burdensomeness (PB), Thwarted Belongingness (TB), and fearlessness of lethality all contribute to a suicide. Perceived Burdensomeness is when a person thinks they are a burden to society, their family, and their significant others. It is the “better off” type of feelings that are believed to go into suicidal thinking.

Thwarted belongingness (TB) is when a person believes that they are outcasts of society or group they belong to. They feel they do not belong to any such group and thus feel isolated and alone.

Fearlessness of lethality is a premise that the person doesn’t have a fear of death. It is like a Russian roulette towards death. An example of this is taken from the book Myth of suicide by Thomas joiner is Kurt Cobain. He was at first totally against the use of guns but then acclimated to them and then use a rifle to inflict his death. His lyrics speak to his struggle with suicide and depression as well as the pain he was feeling.

While Joiner’s theory does have some merit, it, like other theories of suicide cannot be proven due to the nature of the study. No ethic board would condone the death of the subject to prove a hypothesis.

The other theory that comes to mind is Shneidman’s theory of psychache as a causal factor in suicide. The here is that deep, unbearable pain is the reason behind suicidal thinking and action. In my own personal experience, I thought for a long time that I don’t belong to any group. And I also thought that I was a burden to others. But what drove me to the brink of death was the deep psychological pain that I was feeling, an element that I believe Joiner is lacking in his theory. If you combine psychological pain with TB and PB then you have a nice recipe for suicide.

There is some merits with Joiner’s Interpersonal theory of suicide but I believe whole heartedly he is missing the key element of pain. I really believe that if he adds psychological pain to his theory it will be a valid theory, in my opinion.

Still struggling big time

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Still struggling big time. I had three things to do today: go to the post office, brush my teeth, and shower. I got two of the three things done. I still haven’t showered. I got a big headache and am waiting for it to settle down. I just want to stay in bed and lie down.

I was hoping for a session with my therapist today but it doesn’t look promising. I have been sending her texts today about how my day has been. I was sad to find out that a psychologist died today. My therapist introduced me to him and I bought his book. I can’t remember what the book was about now. Maybe it was a chapter as I can’t seem to find the book on Amazon. It was more than a few years ago and my memory can’t seem to hold on to stuff like it used to.

I took my morning meds this morning. I was able to take the mood stabilizer and Cymbalta. My aunt canceled our lunch date. It was good that she did as my back has been aching all day. It just rained a little while ago so I know that is the reason. My back always knows when precipitation is coming.

I am glad I was able to take my meds. Maybe I can be on a roll as I have been taking them every day for the past three days. Today was the first day that I wasn’t completely knocked out. But I do feel drowsy. I haven’t had any coffee today so maybe that is what I need when I take my meds. I just feel so sleepy. I know part of it is the depression. I have lost my appetite. Yesterday all I had was a bagel for the entire day. And today I had a bowl of cereal and a banana. I just am not hungry like I used to be. I don’t even have food cravings.

I don’t know why I am so tired. But I don’t sleep. I just lie there. And my brain is toast. I don’t even think of things, except to take a shower. Maybe I should and it will wake me up. But then I think of the hassle of getting undressed and washing up that I just don’t want to do it. Everything is a hassle in self care. Brushing your teeth, showering, washing up, just the whole of it is too much for me right now. It’s much easier to stay the way I am. If I did have to go out, maybe that would force me to shower. But I don’t have to go anywhere, so why bother.

I finally got a sale on my book today. I was thrilled for a whole five minutes. Then I was back to my grumpy self. I still have to work on my paper that I have been procrastinating on. It will give me something to do and I just don’t want to do it. I hate struggling like this. But at least I wrote it out on paper. Half the work is done.

I have been reading more on Joiner’s theory of thwarted belongingness and perceived burdensomeness. I am reading his book on “Myths of Suicide”. I can understand where he is coming from but I still don’t believe whole heartedly with his theory. I still believe there has to be an element of psychological pain for suicide to happen. I will talk about this more in my paper.

Well, I have exhausted myself. Seems I can’t so anything for long without getting extremely tired, including writing this blog.