Tag: sleep

Sleep Success and Other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Sleep Success and other things

I didn’t take anything out of the ordinary last night. But I slept till 12:15 today! Only woke up around 0800 to pee and then I was right back to sleep. It was wonderful. I went to sleep around two. I haven’t slept that long in so long I forgot what restful sleep was like!

I changed my FB profile pic to a sad face because that was how I was feeling to yet another Sox loss last night. I was extremely disappointed that the Sox have both hitting and pitching woes. I don’t remember a Sox team that had both at the same time. It’s just so painful to watch game after game after game. You used to be able to count a win if they scored first. Now that doesn’t even seem to be the case.

I also changed it as a little experiment to see who would respond to it, not that it was attention seeking but I wanted to see who would negatively respond. Or give me the “cheer up” response. So far, I have just called concern. Experiment fail. I will probably change it later today, after the game. If they win today, I will change it. If they lose, I won’t. Kelly is on the mound today so I am expecting a loss. He has lost his last three starts. Not really hopeful.

In other baseball news, there is a pitcher in the minors that weighs 300 pounds. I wish they would leave the guy alone. They keep comparing him to Bartolo Colon. I can’t remember if Colon is a pitcher or a batter, but that shouldn’t matter. As long as they can play, so what. They said the same thing about Sandoval who came back to the Sox with extra weight on him and he was the most agile player on the team. Granted he has just got whacked in the knee the other night so he isn’t so agile but weight shouldn’t matter. I am so tired of people noticing and basically, body shaming people who gain a pound here and there. Who cares!! If they are comfortable with themselves, whose business is it to tell the world that they have extra weight. People are so pathetic that they go on these things just to make a story. It’s sickening.

I need to take a shower today. My head is so itchy even though I hardly have any hair on it. My scalp gets wicked dry and I hate it. I really don’t want to shower but it needs to be done. I did brush my teeth today. I have been brushing more frequently than showering, sometimes even twice a day. I don’t know why self care is so difficult. I guess because I really don’t care about myself, it’s like why bother?

I had my coffee and a breakfast sandwich when I got up today. Coffee was really good. I finally mastered the art of coffee to water ratio. Now there is a new Brazil coffee that I love. It’s a reserve coffee so will be just as expensive as the Brazil that I have now. It’s different as it tastes more like chocolate milk than coffee. I had it the other day while at Starbucks. I just wish I got a larger size. It was very yummy.

It’s very humid today and it’s raining, which means we have to close the windows. I mostly will be staying in my room where it’s thirty degrees cooler because I have the AC. My mother doesn’t like the AC. Too much electricity. Eventually, I will buy an energy efficient model. This one is at least five years old and pulls a lot of watts. Just plugging it in you can hear the pull. But that is next year’s expense. I have no idea what kind to get. I will have to ask my brother in law. I know there are things like BTU’s and such that you need to know about. I don’t know why they just can’t say that this AC will be fine for a medium size room and this is better for a smaller type room. Would make buying it so much easier!

Saturday Blog 21

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 21

I didn’t go to sleep until 0430 in the morning. I thought I was going to pull an all nighter, and I partly did. I just couldn’t sleep to save my life. I started journaling around 2ish, thinking that would settle me down but it didn’t. I was already drugged up so I didn’t want to take more stuff because I knew that wouldn’t be good. I think that if I didn’t fall asleep, I would have taken some more Ativan. I didn’t have a good sleep. I woke up every three hours or so. I didn’t wake up but I did manage to go back to sleep after being woken up. I would basically look at the time and then go back to sleep. I finally woke up around 1130, feeling somewhat rested. I had some breakfast, well, lunch really. Then I went to Walgreens to get my cookies. Except they didn’t have my cookies. I was so sad. They had every other type of Oreo but the one I was looking for. So I decided to get some mailers and a coke. I needed to mail out some stuff for a friend that would not fit in an envelope. I also needed to mail out one of my books for a “winner”. I had put out on Twitter that if you responded by direct messaging me with your address, you would get my book for free. Trouble is, the person I wanted to respond, didn’t. So I will be sending this person my book next week. I have to get a different mailer because the one I bought was too small. Who knew that a 6×9 mailer was too small for a 6×9 book! Pissed me off, I tell ya.

I started the review that I was thinking of writing. I got half a page done before I lost interest and didn’t know what else to say. I am going to have to read the article to get more ideas, and try not to put stuff that isn’t in the article in the review. I was writing and had the inspiration to add stuff about another article but stopped myself.

My boys are winning at the moment. It’s good because they have lost their last string of games. Last night was just terrible. 12-5 loss. I stopped listening to the game when the score was 11-2. It took 39 minutes for the Angels to score 9 runs. It was so pitiful and painful. I just tuned in and the Angels have changed three pitchers. I hate pitching changes because they take so long to get ready and pitch to the batter.

Sleep is really affecting my mood, well, lack thereof. I am getting really short tempered and my mood is so bad that I don’t want to do anything. It was good that I left the house today to go to Walgreens as I felt up to it. I don’t think I would have left the house otherwise. I have been spending so much time in my room doing nothing. I have been really bored and I keep looking at the mound of shit I have in front of my closet. I keep thinking of doing something about it but I get overwhelmed and don’t do anything. I keep trying to tell myself to do one thing, like remove a box or sweatshirt. If I keep doing at least one thing a day, maybe then it won’t be so overwhelming. But I don’t. I just keep staring at the mess and that is all I do.

My mood has taken a hit with the sleep loss. I feel more depressed than I usually do. It fortunately, has not affected my reading as I have been reading my Dostoevsky book. It is the one thing that is giving me pleasure at the moment. But it is hard to read at times because the author writes about nothing and then hits you with a left curveball. Last night I was reading stuff about cannibalism, something I never thought I would read. They were discussing it at Myshkin’s birthday party, which is an odd conversation considering the topic. The author just brought it up casually, talking about how people survived famines. It got me thinking, did this happen during the Irish famine, too? Just chilling talk.

I was invited to a chat last night by one of my Twitter buddies. Talk is about Borderline Personality Disorder. I hope that I can stay up late enough to participate. I don’t particularly like this chat because I tend to feel like my opinions get slashed down. But hopefully, that will change with this chat as I have my experience to go on.

Luna’s Gone

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain

Luna’s Gone

I have had this song stuck in my head for most of the day. It is a song by Mary Chapin Carpenter on her Between here and gone CD. I was listening to this CD the other night. Her music is so soothing to me.

Having a rough day. Had to deal with my mother that woke me from a sound sleep so I could put on compression stockings on her. Not a good thing when you only got crap sleep to begin with. I am still pissed and I think she overrided my Tivo to not record one of my shows. I will be very upset and she will hear about it. I hate when she doesn’t let me record my shows. I pay for the damn cable dammit. But I am so sleep deprived, I don’t want to go downstairs and see if she did or not. I don’t have the energy to explode on her.

I have been in pain most of the day. It has been hard walking around because I am having problems putting weight on my foot. It doesn’t like it. And it is the same pain that I have been experiencing last night. My last three toes on my left foot have just exploded and hurt very badly. My big toes feels like someone is trying to cram it into something or make it shorter than what it is. I just know that I am in mega pain and I am not happy about it. My big toe really feels like some one is trying to snip it off too. I love these weird sensations that I get. Got to love nerve damage, NOT.

I figured out that my foot weakness is part of the problem. If I try and work my ankle/foot into normal moves, it becomes fatigued and then it starts hurting. The longer I try to keep my foot in a certain position, the more fatigued it gets and the more I hurt. I don’t even realize I am doing anything out of the ordinary because don’t all people keep their foot in a flexed position while walking or sitting? I think they do. I can’t seem to keep my feet flat on the ground like you are supposed to, mostly because I am short and the chair makes my foot dangle. Anyways, whenever I try and keep my foot in that upward position, my pain goes through the roof. It is not right away, because what fun would that be. It has to come out right before I want to go to sleep.

Last night I only slept for about 45 minutes to an hour when I had a strange, disturbing dream. I dreamt that someone had left me a comment on my blog telling me to kill myself and how to do it. The weird part of it was that it was in my handwriting. Creepy. And it scared me. I told my therapist about it tonight and she doesn’t know what to make of it. So much for dream analysis. She is getting worried because the dream process was so quick. Normally you need at least ninety minutes to reach REM sleep. I am achieving it in less than that time frame. When I see my psychiatrist next week, I will bring it up. Maybe I need to see a sleep specialist or something. I already have trouble sleeping but it’s not because of insomnia or overthinking. It is because of fricken pain. And this pain is just so bad I really just want to chop my foot off. But I don’t know if the pain is what is causing my sleep to be so disorganized. I really don’t know. Sometimes I can’t sleep because I have to write something. I have to either physically or electronically write something to “calm down”. And then once it is out of my system, I can go to sleep. My sleep pattern has been the same for the past three weeks. I sleep in three to four hour stints. It is rare that I sleep continuously straight for six hours or more. I am hoping I sleep at least six hours tonight as I am really tired.

sleep interrupted

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Sleep interrupted

I went to bed early because I was tired. I took my meds like I normally do and fell asleep around 9ish. Then I woke up around midnight in pain. WTF. This is the third or fourth time in as many days that I have been waking up in pain. It’s all the same pain, in my left foot or leg or ankle, but mostly in my foot. It is driving me crazy.

I had woken up early this morning with leg pain. I tried my best to ignore it but it got the best of me so I took my pain meds. I went back to sleep.

Now it’s close to one in the morning and I am very tired but I am in a lot of pain. I didn’t do anything today to warrant this type of pain. Only thing I can think of is the weather change.

I wasn’t planning on writing a blog today but seeing as I am up, I thought I would. I have to vent because this is just ridiculous. I should still be sleeping. But because I am not, I am just so sick of it all. I just took some more pain meds to try and calm this pain down. I feel so out of sorts. I still have Pearl Jam’s new song in my head though everything seems to be quiet for the moment. I just want to sleep. What is so wrong with that??

I have been thinking of paging my pdoc the past few days. I see her Friday so I am hoping I can just wait it out. Later today, in the afternoon, I have to go with my father to the hospital to visit my aunt (his sister). She is having heart trouble. I haven’t seen my aunt since her birthday last November. I am not looking forward to seeing her as I hate going to the hospital. But my father wants to see her and he gets confused on how to get there so I have to take him.