About being a Suicide Attempt Survivor

About being a Suicide Attempt Survivor

A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog about how it was shameful to me being called a suicide attempt survivor. Though it wasn’t hurtful, it was more embarrassing. I think it was because there is great shame in dealing with suicide as everyone has an opinion, good or bad, on the topic.

Those feelings have changed since I published my book and the American Association of Suicidology approved a new division on suicide attempt survivors. I feel like I don’t have to hang my head in shame anymore, that I can be free to express my suicidality and not be shunned. I always felt that if someone knew about my suicidality, they would not be receptive to me or be judgmental. That may still be the case with some people, but at least I feel welcomed with an organization that helped me deal with my suicidality and try to overcome it. It wasn’t easy. It was a long road. I still feel suicidal at times. Even though I had a huge accomplishment this week with the publication of my book, I still felt like offing myself. I just felt like my job was done but really it is only beginning. I need to spread the word about my experiences and that there is treatment available if you just look for it. The training of clinicians in suicide prevention, intervention, and postvention needs to happen and what better way than through the experience of an attempt survivor or a person with lived experience. I hope that one day, clinicians are not threatened by the word suicide and are eager to help those that are feeling like taking their life.

In my book, I talk about two frameworks that have helped me in my recovery. They are CAMS (Collaborating, Assessment, and Managing of Suicide) and the Aeschi Model. These frameworks take away the therapist as expert and put the client/patient in charge of their treatment. Through an empathic and non-judgmental ear, his story is told and the learning of what makes that person suicidal is learned. It is completely individualized as no two suicidal people are suicidal for the same reason. You cannot lump suicidal people together and hope that one treatment works. It must be individualized. Just like not all medication work for all people, dealing with suicide can be a trial and error situation. But it takes willingness on the part of the clinician to make this so. Clinicians cannot always count on the hospital being the cure all for suicidal thinking. It must be dealt with in an outpatient setting as more and more hospital beds are becoming scarce.

Paperback is out!

BookCoverImage

my book is out on paperback and I am so excited. it is available through createspace https://www.createspace.com/4546715

hope you will get a copy!!

BREAKING #SUICIDE NEWS

Just got word from Twitter that the American Association of Suicidology just approved, unanimously, a new division for suicide attempt survivors and people with lived experiences. This is so exciting, I just had to blog about it. People who have attempted or who have seriously thought about suicide now have a voice. I am so excited and proud to be a member and contributor of their blog and organization!!

a longer blog: breathing hurts

Longer Blog

I have been trying to nap the last few hours. I got the review approval from Amazon but then I realized I forgot to put in my references so had to go through the entire process again. Now I am waiting for another approval to get a proof. I am surprised the editor didn’t pick up on that, but then maybe she isn’t too academic like I thought. This book isn’t academic in the least but I still reference a few books to stress my point.

I told my therapist the other night that I planned on taking some medication tonight. I am struggling with resistance on doing so. Taking the meds might kill me or give me a heart attack as I am very sensitive to this drug. Just 0.25 mg will cause my heart to race. I told her I wouldn’t do it but didn’t promise I wouldn’t. I just feel so awful. I know, my book is about to be published. I should be feeling the opposite but I am not. I feel like I am never going to get out of this rut that I am in.

One thing that I have learned about the book “Writing The Breakout Novel” is that people read books through word of mouth more than reviews. So I just need a thousand people to spread the word on my book so I can be a millionaire. LOL Doubt that will happen but, you never know. I hate feeling nervous. It is not helping with the feelings of suicidality. I have tried everything today to try and chill. Music, Ativan, TV, and reading. I started reading “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” and finally got back to it. It’s a weird book. I have trouble reading old novels and let’s face it, “Uncle Tom” is not new. It was written before the Civil War by a female which is unheard of in those days and sold more than 100,000 copies. I just have a problem with the language of the book as sometimes I have no idea what the author is trying to say. It’s southern Afro-American dialect and that can be tough. I had a friend that used to clown around speaking that way and I could never understand what she was trying to say. She was from Georgia.
But the good news is that I can still use my tablet even though it is not hooked up to the Sprint network. Course I never used it on the network. I always used the wifi settings.

I took my night meds early tonight because I didn’t take them last night. I just hope I don’t have breakthrough bleeding because I took my pill late. I woke up at 1:15 am from a nap because yesterday was such a crazy day. I didn’t think I was going to sleep that late, but then I started working on formatting my book and I didn’t go back to sleep till six this morning. I was literally burning the midnight oil. But that what the demons do to me. They keep me up most of the night.

The hardest thing that I had to write was the description of the book. But I am proud of it. I don’t know why I still want to kill myself. I guess it never really goes away no matter what success you have in your life. If you feel like ending your life, it doesn’t matter what people think of you. Sometimes, family will hold you back but they can only do that for so long before you start feeling like a burden to them. I just can’t seem to get out of this rut that I am in and I am trying. I haven’t felt hopeful in weeks. I don’t feel depressed. I just don’t want to live. Breathing hurts and I want it to stop.